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“Once Upon A Time” recap: Beauty and the Beast(s) (2.11)

Previously on Once Upon A Time, we found out crossing the town line wipes your memory, Emma invited Regina to dinner, and Cora disguised as Regina killed someone disguised as Archie.

Right off the bat, Rumpelstiltskin is up to no good. He drags a tied-up Smee out to the town line and tosses him to the ground. He sprinkles some magic onto his hat and kicks him over. With the now-magic hat, Smee kept his memory. Rump smiles and says he has a trip to plan and I fear for the safety of the entire world.

Most of the town is at the cemetery to listen to Snow’s moving speech, bidding adieu to good ol’ Jiminy. Gepetto rests his umbrella on the tombstone and I keep having to remind myself that Archie’s not really dead to keep myself from crying. Though I do still want in on the big group hug. Sadly, it seems Archie might soon WISH he were dead – he’s being questioned and threatened by Captain Hook on his invisible ship. Sir Eyeliner wants to know what The Dark One’s weakness is.

Cut to Belle entering Mr. Gold’s shop. He excitedly tells her he found a way across the town line, but he only has enough potion to enchant one object – a shawl, the only thing Gold has left of his son. This quest to find Baelfire is his to do alone.

Belle’s like, “Fine, if you’re going off on your own, I’ll just have my own backstory. They’ll never remember your story after they see mine.”

And sure enough, there’s Belle, sitting in ye olde tavern, downing a flagon of beer while reading a book in her classic blue-and-white getup, and I don’t even remember what that guy’s name was anymore. After I gathered my jaw from the floor, I realized a man was talking about a poster he put up of a fire-lion. It’s called a yaoguai and he’s gathering a band of brave souls to hunt the beast. Belle is looking at them longingly, as if she yearns for that type of adventure. After some encouragement and fairy dust from Dreamy (Grumpy), she decides to go with them, hoping her experience with this beast will end better than her last.

Back in Storybrooke, Belle returns to her shiny new library, only to find a different type of beast waiting for her there. She recognizes Hook from the cell Regina had her in and immediately runs. She topples a shelf on him and makes it into the elevator just in time. She tries to call Gold but service isn’t great in the oldest of elevators, so he only gets bits and pieces of her cry for help. She could really use a stowaway teacup right about now. On the Yaoguai Wagon, the boys are making fun of Belle because she’s reading a book in a different language and they don’t even know how to lace their own breeches. She tries to explain that the book will help them find the beast, but after she mentions a lake, they kick her off their wagon, proving that they are idiots, because her outfit is insanely hot.

Besides, she was lying, and the yaoguai prefers mountains to lakes. Belle goes after the beast on her own, and her book says its nocturnal, so she prays its asleep as she inches into its cave. Suddenly, a CGI beast comes bounding towards our brave beauty. An arrow comes out of nowhere and saves the day, and when the warrior steps forward, it’s Mulan! Belle is grateful, but Mulan is just grumpy because she’s been hunting that yaoguai for weeks. Belle boasts that she found it in a day, hoping to impress her, but Mulan is sexually frustrated or something because she, too, leaves the Belle in the dust. In the library, trapped-in-an-elevator Belle stands around quivering until someone pries open the doors. Luckily, it’s Gold, and Hook is nowhere in sight. However, when they get back to safety, it seems that the real plan was to get into Gold’s shop. Hook now has Baelfire’s shawl, thereby trapping Rumpelstiltskin in Storybrooke indefinitely.

Meanwhile, Archie’s post-memorial get-together is being held at Casa Charming. Grumpy approaches Mary Margaret and asks when they’re going back to the Enchanted Forest. He’s afraid of us commoners coming to Storybrooke, seeing magic, freaking the freak out and burning them all at the stake. Ruby’s particularly concerned, because even though Maine legalized same-sex marriages, she’s afraid of not being accepted outside Storybrooke. Speaking of freaking the freak out, Gold has decided a good solution to all of his stuff being broken is to break more stuff, but Belle tries to reason with him. He proves unreasonable, and presses a gun into her hand before running off to find the pirate and exact revenge.

Flash back to Belle fetching water from the well when some of the guys from the wagon come and hold her over it. They realized she lied and she tries to talk her way out of things, but luckily someone steps in to save her. Once again, it’s Mulan, who must have a damsel-in-distress signal and follows it where’er she must. They decide to team up and I try not to ship them because we have enough femslash ships on this show, we don’t need our hearts to be filled with more hopeless dreams.

Present-day Belle is cleaning up the mess Hook left in her library, including a knot? It reminds her of something from a book and realizes Hook must have come on his ship. Determined to find it, she goes to the dock and looks around, confused when she doesn’t see anything. She notices birds sitting on air and throws a handful of sand off the dock. Sure enough, it lands on something, and she finds herself on the ship, despite Cora’s invisibility cloak. She immediately locates the very-much-alive Archie, and sets him free to go find Gold.

Belle sneaks around the S.S. Evil, and decides to put down her gun while she snoops. (Somewhere, Spencer Hastings is shaking her head.) Hook sneaks in and grabs it and points it at her.

Her life must flash before her eyes, because next we see her and Mulan traipsing through the woods together. Mulan is hurt and Belle is fawning over her and mother of God I think I ship Warrior Beauty now. Empowered by the memory of the “don’t be afraid” speech Mulan gave her, present-day Belle stares down the barrel of the gun and tells Hook to eat it. He tells her Rumpelstiltskin ripped out his own wife’s heart and crushed it, but Belle insists he changed. She bashes Captain Eyeliner over the head with an oar and makes off with the shawl. She is intercepted by Hook and Rumple, and the boys get into a brawl.

Belle watches Gold beat Hook bloody with his cane and remembers being faced with another beast. Somewhere in the Enchanted Forest, she hollers at the yaoguai to get it to chase her. Making up for her lack of fighting skills with an abundance of wit, she leads the fire-beast to the town center and douses him with water. Once subdued, the monster writes “help” in the dirt, so Belle tosses fairy dust on him and, POOF, it’s Prince Phillip! He thanks for breaking Maleficent’s curse and all Belle asks in return is for help getting Mulan to a doctor.

On the ship, Gold beats Hook to a pulp, yet he is still taunting the old man. Belle begs him to stop, for her, and finally he does. Rumple growls some words at the pirate, and Belle rolls her eyes before dragging him off the ship.

At the loft, Henry is talking about stockpiling weapons and Emma promises Regina won’t hurt him. She clarifies by saying she won’t LET Regina hurt him, but she knows Regina would never. They hear a knock at the door and are shocked to see Archie standing there. He tells them it was Cora all along and Henry says, “I knew it!” as if he hadn’t just said he thought his own mother was coming after him.

In the Enchanted Forest, Belle hands off the “beast” to Mulan, trades in her sword for her book and jaunts off to find the beast she abandoned. But before her journey for Rumple can begin, the ever-sexy Evil Queen rides in. Smiling wickedly, she has Belle tossed into her cage-on-wheels and ignores the girl’s vows to never stop fighting for Rumpelstiltskin.

In Storybrooke, Belle walks Rumpelstiltskin to the town line, adorns him with his charmed shawl and watches as he steps into the world. He turns and says her name and she wishes him well on his quest. She promises that she’ll be there waiting for him when he returns…

AND THEN GETS SHOT.

Yup, Hook appears out of nowhere and shoots Belle. Her limp body falls over the town line and into Gold’s arms. He calls to her but she has no idea who “Belle” is. I actually have no idea who she’ll think she is, since her post-curse identity was Unidentified Insane Asylum Prisoner. Hook is standing there, looking smug…

AND THEN GETS HIT BY A CAR.

What?! Gold had gotten him and Belle out of the way, but Hook went right over the windshield, sending the car skidding off the road. Gold looks around in a panic and the camera zooms in on the license plate like I’m supposed to know what it means but it’s a Pennsylvania plate and the only outside-world person I know is Neal but he’s in New York?!

What did you think of “The Outsider”? Who do you think was in the car that ran under Hook?

Check out some of our favorite #SwanQueen tweets from this week!

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