“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.13): Will you be my Viking warlord mistress?


Someone is pulling a Walter White and cooking meth. Look, everyone has to make a living somehow. No, wait. That doesn’t look like meth. That looks like, grains? Are they making cereal? Oh, well, too late, because the cooker gets cooked when an unknown assailant runs him through with a spear.

Speaking of spears, Det. Jane Rizzoli feels one through her brain as she sees her mother primping in the café to attract male attention. Jane calls it weird watching her mother try to rebound and Dr. Maura Isles’ eyes wander down, secure in the thought that she doesn’t have to rebound from anything. All she wants is right in front of her.

Maura unleashes one of her legendary fun facts and tells Jane the average woman ingests seven pounds of lip stick in her lifetime. Now, is that the average lipstick lesbian or the average tomboy homicide detective? If we were talking how many pounds of Chapstick the average lesbian ingests in her lifetime, that’s another story. Jane gets mad because now she is thinking about how many pounds of Maura’s lipstick she has ingested over the years. Answer: So many, so so many.

Mama Rizzoli is flirting it up with Det. Lightening McQueen, from the auto theft division. Jane dislikes him because, really, have you seen his hair? She gives him all the side-eye in the world and we all agree. This guy looks like a dad of the bad guy in an 80s teen movie.

Jane and Maura go from one frying pan – the epic love triangle between Mama Rizzoli, Det. Lightening and Lt. Cavanaugh – to another as Rondo comes in trailing three homeless teens behind him. It’s Rondo’s Rejects, which as far as inspirational team names go ranks up there with the Bad News Bears.

Rondo wants them to get a little mentoring from Boston’s finest, but they seem less than enthused. Jane suggests in true cop tradition they get a doughnut and be on their way. One of the mentees, Dawg, says that’s fine by him because “I ain’t being mentored by no chick anyway.” Oh, yeah, Jane heard that.

She’s like, oh, it’s on now. You’re gonna be mentored and you’re gonna be mentored good – whether you like it or hopefully not. She signs Frost and Korsak up for duties for the chick adverse and say hello to your Subplot B.

On their way to the not-a-meth-cooker crime scene, Maura flexes her knowledge of ’80s pop culture by referencing the mentor relationships in Star Wars and The Karate Kid. And then she reveals her mentor was Agnodice, first female gynecologist. Of course she was, of course she was. Jane’s were Police Woman, Kojak and Jim Rockford. Of course they were, of course

Turns out our cooker was cooking beer. Well, now you’ve got Jane’s attention and the attention of lesbians everywhere. Kill a maker of fine microbews? How dare you, how dare you very much. The menfolk are temporarily distracted from the case by the beer company’s buxom poster girl. Jane gives it hardly a glance, she’s got The Rack of God to stare at whenever she wants, people. Why eat hamburger when you’ve got steak at home?

Jane and Maura do what they do – flirt over a dead body, this time while playing process of elimination about what the murder weapon could be. Korsak interrupts them – come on, dude, not cool – and they find what’s left of the murder weapon in the on-site mill. It’s a sharp pointy stick. Did Buffy lose Mr. Pointy?

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