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“Glee” recap (4.10): Brampocalypse Now

Previously on Glee, the rules of the Ohio Show Choir Sectionals Competition continued to be remarkably similar to the rules of Calvinball. New Directions broke this year’s mandate of “no fainting and/or vomiting on stage” when Marley Rose did both, and so they were immediately disqualified. They broke up and came together again, as has been the bread and butter of every episode of this show since the pilot, lo those many tears and self-inflicted face punches ago. Rachel left the validating arms of one man to run headlong into the validating arms of another man. And Kurt crushed his impromptu NYADA audition without any props or tear-away slacks.

Sue Sylvester is journaling away about the holidays, blaspheming the name of Love Actually to let us know this week’s episode will consist of a bunch of unrelated stories that may or may not come together in the end when the audience may or may not riot at the gates of hell where Finn Hudson keeps his quarters. So, just like every other week, basically. Only this time, the ding-a-ling is from the sleigh bells because it is Christmas.

Story the First: Artie took a beating this morning when his wheelchair flipped over because his ramped was covered in ice. He’s dropping his stuff out of his backpack and his face is bruised and bloody and he’s getting angrier by the second, so when Finn swoops in to attend to Artie, but Artie grabs him by the scruff of his neck and says he’s tired of needing help. While he’s waiting for his mom to come pick him up from the nurse’s office, he says he wishes he’d never even seen a wheelchair, and because it’s Christmas time, he drifts off into a fitful black-and-white dream sequence where the Ghost of Leprechauns Past guides him around the school and shows him what life would have been like if he’d always been able to walk.

The bad: Tina still stutters, Becky is pregnant, Quinn is dead, Kurt didn’t graduate because he never came to school because he always got bullied, Rachel never embraced her Broadway dreams and now she lives in the library and wears her grandma’s cardigans, Finn says “so gay” like kids used to do before Ian McKellen was like, “Gandalf is gay; get over it,” and Kurt has never even heard of Blaine Warbler. The sound effect when Kurt says, “Who’s Blaine?” lets us know that of all the tragedies that befell New Directions in the absence of Artie’s wheelchair, the Blaine-less-ness is the worst of all. It’s so dramatic! KLANG-CHANG!

The good: Will stayed with Terri and she’s been psyching him out about being a dad this whole time with a doll wrapped up in a blanket.

Artie gathers New Directions in the choir room and leads them all in a rousing rendition of “Feliz Navidad,” but Finn scoffs about it after it’s over, and Artie is like, “I hate this place!” Rory explains that this place is the place that would have been if Artie hadn’t been in a wheelchair because without the chair he wouldn’t have joined glee club and without glee club everyone’s lives would be the worst. Artie is the glue that holds Glee together, Rory says. Which: It’s a weeee bit far-fetched, but it’s Christmas and I’ve got bigger Bram-er fish to fry, so I’m going to give you this one, Glee.

Artie wakes up from his Christmas fever dream feeling a lot better about his life. Which is correct. I mean, it must be a struggle to have to accept help from people when you’re differently abled, but Artie has the cunning of a Slytherin and the courage of a Gryffindor and the heart of a Hufflepuff and the wits of a Ravenclaw. Plus he has that reindeer sweater. There is no limit to the things he will accomplish in life.

(Also, Rachel, those glasses can stay, girl. Let’s play “overdue library book.” I’ll be the delinquent patron.)

Story the Second: Rachel is going on a cruise with her family for the holidays because she’s tired of these writers not knowing what the hell Hanukkah is, so she’s just decided to skip the nonsense this year. The way they made her massage animal flesh with her vegan hands just a few weeks ago makes her think they’re going to force her to french kiss Santa Claus and/or Jesus Christ with her Jewish mouth this week. She tries to convince Kurt to come with her, but he decorates his little tree and promises he’ll be fine even though he balked on those plans he made with Blaine and also he sure does miss his dad.

Oh, but hey, who’s that knocking on the door? It’s Burt Hummel, our own Christmas Miracle, and he’s got a tree and some presents and a smile as warm as the sun!

Hey, Burt! Hey! (Hey!) He’s brought a real tree to Kurt’s loft because when Kurt’s mom died, Burt forgot about the tree, and on that first Christmas eve when it was just the two of them, he saw Kurt hanging an ornament on his window and he realized how much he had to learn. So he drove them straight to the Christmas tree farm and bought them a tree and the first ornament was the window ornament and it was Kurt’s mom’s perfume bottle and Burt promised himself never to let Kurt go tree-less again. Burt gives Rachel an ornament to hang on their tree, because she’s family too, and this is her first holiday in the city. It’s an apple. A big apple. Burt Hummel is my god and I worship at the altar of his flannel-shirted perfection.

Kurt and Burt head out to Radio City Music Hall, even though both of them and you and me know that the Rockettes ain’t got nothin’ on Burt’s “Single Ladies” performance. They dip into a diner for some hot chocolate afterward and Burt decides now is as good a time as any to let Kurt know he’s got convenience cancer. Kurt gasps. “Convenience cancer? But Dad, what does that even mean?” Burt explains that convenience cancer is caused by a plot tumor, and depending on what the cancer needs to accomplish for those closest to the patient, it could be fatal or it could never be mentioned again. In this case, the doctors caught Burt’s plot tumor early enough to keep him from losing his recurring character status, but not early enough to keep him from getting real about mortality with his son. Basically, Burt’s convenience cancer is in stage 1, because it only really needs to gently nudge two boys who love each other with their whole hearts into remembering that they love each other with their whole hearts.

Back at the Hummelberry loft, Kurt gives his dad a NYADA hat and a shirt and Burt gives Kurt an address, because this present is too big to fit under the tree. (Hey-o!)

Now, last week I learned a little something called “Klainer 12,” which is a thing I’d never heard of but people kept saying it to me, and it means I am a 12-year-old straight girl who wants to blow Darren Criss’ whistle, apparently. It’s been a long, long time since I was 12. Or straight. But the point is that people are always telling me I should write the exact kind of recap they want to read, expressing their own personal opinions in the precise way they want them expressed, and I am nothing if not accommodating, so please find on the next page a choose-your-own-adventure recap.

If you don’t want to be Klaine-ed, read this:

The address Burt gives Kurt is for an outdoor ice skating rink. Kurt’s ex-boyfriend Blaine is there. Kurt expresses surprise. Blaine explains that Burt flew him to New York. Burt already told Blaine about his medical problems. Blaine says he will take care of Burt. Kurt expresses thanks. They skate. They sing a song. The song is “White Christmas.” They sing the song “White Christmas” as a duet. Burt watches from the sidelines. He has feelings. The song ends. Blaine tells Kurt he would like them to offer emotional support to one another. Kurt appears to be interested in Blaine’s idea. A bell chimes. The bell signals midnight. Midnight, technically speaking, is the start of a new day. In this case, that day is Christmas. Kurt and Blaine hug one another. Burt continues to watch. He continues to have feelings.

If you want to be Klaine-ed, read this:

Burt sends Kurt to an outdoor ice skating rink, and as he wanders up, the commoners part and Blaine Warbler skates right through the holiday rabble. Kurt blinks once, twice. You always see the ghost of your exes when your heart is still raw from the break-up, and Christmas is doubly bad for ethereal spirits, so Kurt just needs to make sure it’s for real. Blaine’s been practicing this moment in his mind for weeks now. He needs to open himself up without pushing, he needs to give Kurt space to heal while offering his whole self up to be Kurt’s comfort. In his head and in front of his mirror, Blaine was probably an articulate orator, pausing at the right times and landing all of his gentle jokes. But when Kurt is actually standing in front of him, Blaine’s composure goes right out the window and in a single breath he says:

“Your dad flew me here for Christmas because he knew you’d need someone to lean on after he told you about his cancer and I’ll be that person for you and I’ll take care of him in Lima too, Kurt, because I know he’s the most important thing and I know I broke one promise to you but this is the most important promise and I won’t let you down again, especially not with this, and I get that it’s a surprise, me being here and everything, and I know I need to let you come back to me at your own pace if you’re ever really going to come back to me, but it’s Christmas and winter duets are what we do and oh, are you at least a little bit glad to see me?” Kurt says, “Always.”

They skate and sing “White Christmas” and slip back into being the harmony to each other’s melody as if they never stopped singing together. Burt watches from the sidelines and remembers Kurt with his mom’s perfume bottle and the way he tried to bribe Kurt with a new car not to be gay and he realizes he loves Blaine because of how Blaine loves Kurt. And he remembers that love is about finding the people worth suffering for.

When the clock chimes midnight, Blaine says it’s Christmas, and he also says no matter what, he and Kurt are going to be here for each other for always. Kurt seals the promise with a hug.

Story the Third: Jake is getting bullied because his classmates are confused about how interracial people celebrate the holidays, but Puck has gotten his hands on a teleporter apparently, so he appears in the hallway and menaces the jocks away. Then he and Jake climb back into his teleporter and disembark in Los Angeles, where they run wild and free through the Paramount lot singing “Hanukkah O Hanukkah.” Puck is squatting at the mansion of a pool-cleaning client, of course, and when they return home early and kick Puck out, he and Jake get back into the teleporter and return to Lima to have dinner with their moms.

It’s a disaster at first because Daddy Puckerman dicked them all over, but then they realize that the holidays are about making your family whole with bits and pieces of human bizarreness, and so they are uniquely happy in their unhappy family way, just like Tolstoy always said would happen.

Story the Fourth: Brittany is passing out Rolexes and vacations and Toyota Camrys like candy because the Mayan apocalypse is near and there’s going to be a whole new currency on the planet Zoltar or whatever. So she cashed in all her USDs and bought her friends some swag so they can at least relish their materialistic superiority while getting eaten alive by Giant Squids and Godzillas. No one believes Brittany except for Sam. He’s done some Beautiful Mind-type cipher decoding and decided that the end of the world really is in three days. The song of the Christmas apocalypse is Jingle Bell Rock, which strikes me as odd, because I thought the Christmas song “Christmas Shoes was the actual end of the world.

At the end of their second duet in two episodes, Sam drops to one knee and asks Brittany to marry him. She laughs and ruffles his hair because he really is the most adorable thing. “Sam,” she says, “I like you a lot. Heck, almost everyone in the Lesbian Blogger Community likes you a lot. You’re sweet and funny and when you play your guitar and sing, it sometimes makes me swoon to the point of dizziness. But we just got together last week, and you’re the first person I’ve even thought about dating since Santana and I got together. Can you imagine what it’s like to suddenly live without something you’ve always had and never even dreamed of losing? She was my very very very best friend before we ever started scissoring and losing her has been like losing an actual, physical part of myself. It’s not that you’re a boy; I’ve always been a unicorn-loving bisexual. It’s that kissing you one week and marrying you the next week devalues the most important relationship I’ve ever had. Given some time and enough DNA testing to prove we’re not brother and sister, I would cherish the opportunity to get serious with you.”

Just kidding, you guys. What she really says is, “I’m worried because of the Black Blogger Community. I think it meant a lot to them, seeing you and Mercedes together, because she’s not the typical stick-thin white girl writers usually pair guys like you with. And I’m worried those angry black people will hurt my perfect face. This isn’t offensive, is it? What I’m saying? Associating a minority with a mob and insinuating that they get hysterically violent when they don’t get their way?”

Just kidding again. She says yes.

Coach Bieste assures them that she is a certified Mayan priest. And she marries them. Sam calls Brittany his “soul mate” because that’s the personality he woke up with this morning. And Brittany says she can’t wait to be his wife for the next three days, until the world ends.

They wake up four days later, and the world has not ended.

Story the fifth: Sue draws Marley’s mom’s name out of Beiste’s secret Santa satchel and is furious until she overhears Marley and her mom talking in the cafeteria about how they’ve got to save their holiday pennies this year to get Marley some help for her eating disorder. This isn’t a joke. I don’t want you to think I’m messing with you like before. Marley’s mom actually invokes the words “eating disorder” without any kind of shame-tossing or guilt-tripping or, “Oh, just eat a damn sandwich!” She knows it’s a real thing in Marley’s head and she also knows she needs professional help to see herself as she really is. Sue is moved by the sentiment and by Marley’s rendering of “The First Noel.” I also am moved, not only by the song and the sweetness of Mrs. Marley, but also by the fact that Glee got this one right.

Marley and her mom wake up on Christmas morning and it’s positively post-ghost Dickensian under their Christmas tree. New clothes from Benetton wrapped in shiny paper and loads of therapy dollars in their stockings. Sue and Becky watch from the window while Marley cries tears of relief and joy and also suggests that they should probably call the cops.

At Breadstix, Bieste tells Sam and Brittany that they’re not really married because the Mayan Empire doesn’t really ordain priests online because the Mayan Empire kind of got conquered by Spanish Conquistadors in the 16th century. They’re pretty bummed it’s not the end of the world, so Bieste fakes a Google News alert text to tell them the world really is ending … in 2014. Or when the pyscho insane rage-fueled Lesbian Blogger Community sets the world on fire. Because they’re so irrationally scary.

In New York, Blaine and Burt watch the Celtics/Knicks game, and Kurt reads Vogue. Burt wants to know what Blaine’s got up his sleeve to keep Kurt from getting real serious real fast about Oliver Kieran-Jones, head of NYADA’s glee club and bona fide beefcake. Blaine says he’s thinking about applying to NYADA if it’s OK with Kurt. Kurt’s face is impassive, but he says he thinks it’s a really good idea.

At McKinley, Marley’s mom tries to return Sue’s money, but Sue won’t hear it. She made a pretty penny selling her golden Christmas tree on the luxury toothpick market, and she knows what it’s like to be a single mom. She scowls, though, when she gets an invite to watch New Directions perform “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”

In Lima, the glee club sings it. Marley’s lookin’ adorable in her new jaunty winter hat. In Breadstrix, the Puckerman brothers and Brittany and Sam sing it. And in New York, Kurt and Blaine sing it while setting the table for Christmas dinner and setting the stage for their whole holiday life together. Look, whatever. I love them, OK? Blaine pulls out Burt’s chair for him. He promised Kurt he’d take care of him and he meant it. They sing a little more and Blaine looks at Kurt and his heart is full of love and his eyes are full of tears and all he wants from Kurt is gay Yuletides forever.

An enormous thank you, as always, to my screencapping partner, Lindsay (@ScenicPenguin) and a happiest of happy holidays to you all.

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