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“Glee” recap (4.09): Somethin’ Stupid

Previously on Glee, Marley Rose died and went to heaven where it’s always Turkey Lurkey time, and some days, if you’re lucky, you can find Ianto Jones, Omar Little, and Tara Maclay hanging out at the pool together, playing a little poker, telling a couple of tales. Rachel and Kurt hosted the gayest Thanksgiving known to man in their Hummelberry Loft, the euphoric effects of which gave Kurt the courage to call Blaine and finally accept his apology for poking Eli C. And for a single shining moment on the Sectionals stage, Hunter Clarington experienced the sensation of being Harry Styles. Ladies threw their knickers at him. Taylor Swift wrote a song about how he stole/trampled all over her heart.

Hey, now. Hold the phone, now. Marley Rose is alive? Or is she? How much more interesting would this show be if Marley actually did die up there on that Sectionals stage and now she is a zombie? But no, I think she is alive. The camera is all woozy, like all it had for eats these past two weeks is half a Tic Tac too. And New Directions is all atwitter. Get her a sandwich. Get her a juice box. Get her back out there on stage because otherwise they’ll be disqualified. Into the chaos, Santana calls out Kitty for poisoning Marley’s mind and giving her an eating disorder, and Sue sashays in to let everyone know that the judges have given the Sectionals crown to the Warblers.

At the Hummelberry Loft, Blaine calls Kurt to tell him the news about the Sectionals loss. Immediately after it happens, he calls Kurt and Kurt answers his call and they talk to each other on the phone and Kurt consoles Blaine and Blaine laughs because Kurt always knows the right thing to say, and also Kurt is talking to him again, and maybe his Sectionals dreams are dashed but his main dream of moving to the city and sharing his life with the love of his life, that dream is on again, and so what if he didn’t get another high school win, and so what if New Rachel is maybe or maybe not a member of the living dead, because it’s not long now until Christmas and Kurt said there would be ice skating and hot chocolate and real talks about real things, and maybe they will hold hands and maybe they will kiss and maybe they will whisper things into the secret places of each other’s hearts, and what’s a trophy compared to that?

Kurt tells Rachel the Sectionals news and she’s like, “Maybe I should call Finn?” And they both laugh because they’re done pretending Rachel and Finn ever had what Kurt and Blaine have.

Kurt exposits the structure of tonight’s episode the way Hermione Granger used to exposit the structure of Harry Potter’s adventures. Kurt is to NYADA blogs as Hermione is to Hogwarts: A History, is what I mean. It’s time for the Winter Showcase, an invitation-only performance by ten of NYADA’s top students. Carmen Tibideau hand-writes and hand-delivers the invitations like so many Willy Wonka golden tickets, and obviously, Rachel Berry wants one. Kurt, meanwhile, just wants another shot at getting into NYADA. With SJP at his back and Blaine at his side, he’s got a feeling he can fly.

Ten seconds later, Rachel gets her invitation.

Finn Eeyores into the choir room to find the Cheerios dismantling it for a literal Sue Sylvester circus. You’ve seen this scene a thousand times before. You know the drill. Finn Schuester storms into Figgins’ office followed by Sue, and Figgins explains that he’s rented the choir room, the auditorium, the football field, the cafeteria, the gym, the extra classrooms, the front lawn, the courtyard, the parking lot, etc. to whatever other club and so New Directions is well and truly finished. (Didn’t Kristin Chenoweth buy that auditorium for glee club so this would stop happening every episode?)

Sue is having a little bit of buyers’ remorse now that she owns New Directions. Becky feels her. She had the same reaction after paying ten dollars to see Prometheus. Sue imagines that she’s actually set all of the glee club members free to pursue their real hopes and dreams, and her fantasy is validated by Brad the Piano Man who opens his mouth and says real words and the real words are: “Thank you for opening my cage and setting me free.” Or something. It’s like fifteen whole words, more than Tina’s ever gotten to say in a row, that’s for sure.

New Directions turn on each other speedy quick. Actually, that’s not true. New Directions turn on Marley like a pride of lions at the zoo who have been just fine eating Hamburger Helper or whatever, but then one day the zookeepers are late with their dinner and they suddenly realize that one of the lions is a hyena. The hyena is Marley, in this analogy, and Tina is Mufassa. She roars “Rachel Berry” like a hundred thousand times and everyone else starts growling “Rachel Berry” too, and we always knew this was the kind of sensitivity Glee would apply to this eating disorder story. Also, jerks, she’s a reanimated corpse, so keep it up and see who’s laughing tomorrow.

Brittany wanders out into the hall to find a trail of Cheerios (the cereal, not like a head-to-toe road of Kittys) on the floor. One-by-one she picks them up and eats them, because she also eats chocolate out of litter boxes, if you’ll remember, and so sure, why not. At the end of Cheerios Lane is Sam, who offers her a glass of milk and an out-of-the-blue love confession. He says that Santana probably picked on him because he always had a thing for Brittany. “Always,” including the time when he pre-proposed to Quinn and spent months mooning after Mercedes. They sing “Something Stupid,” and Brittany is bisexual, right? And Sam is one of the coolest cats on this show, right? And so there is nothing offensive at all about this pairing, right?

Right, actually.

But keep your vaginas on because when the song is over, Sam tries to kiss her, but Brittany snaps her fingers like Zack Morris and freezes the TV world and knocks down the fourth wall with a sledgehammer to speak to the real world:

It’s not just Santana; it’s like all the lesbians of the Nation and I don’t know how they found out about Santana and I dating, but once they did they started sending me tweets and Facebook messages on Lord Tubbington’s wall. I think it means a lot to them to see two super-hot popular girls in love and I worry that if they find out about you and I dating, that they’ll turn on you and get really violent and hurt your beautiful face and mouth.
I can’t be sure because Glee is a master at subtlety, but I think maybe Brittany’s dialogue is a message from Glee‘s writers to AfterEllen.com. I think they’ve heard about how women are hysterical because they have vaginas instead of brains and sometimes when they get their periods they murder people because of television, and when you do the math, lesbians have double the vaginas and thus double the hysteria and thus double the dead body count. Like at AfrerEllen HQ – I don’t know if you know this, but it’s a fact – we have this shed where we keep the ash of the bodies of the TV writers and showrunners who have done us dirty because that’s just how we roll. Because we’re angry and unhinged and, also, again: no brains.

Brittany snaps again, and the TV world comes back to life, and she leaves Sam alone with his lips puckered up for some Cheerios sugar.

At NYADA, Rachel Berry dips out of the congo line in Dance Basics with Cassandra July to get a sip of water, and ol’ Cass shuts down the whole class to berate her and call her names and challenge her to a dance-off, “All That Jazz”-style. Rachel accepts the challenge because, for starters, she is hydrated now and nothing’s gonna break-a her stride, and also she’s just about had it with this personal vendetta. I mean, she’s no stranger to teachers acting like children, but at least Mr. Schue never beat her with a dancing stick. The song is fine. I kind of feel like, as a country, we’ve reached our Chicago saturation point. When it’s over, Cass is like, “You still can’t writhe around in spandex like I can.” And Rachel is like, “And you’re still not THE GREATEST SINGER IN ALL THE LANDS like I am.” Valid and valid. Also, just do it already, you homos.

Kurt stops by Carmen Tibideau’s office to ask if she received his most recent application and she tells him that she very rarely accepts repeat auditioners, and also that while she was impressed with his range and the way he wears gold leggings under his tearaway trousers, she doesn’t think he has much soul. Which is probably the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life, and Ryan Murphy just hijacked Heather Morris’ voice and spoke to me through my television, so I know a thing or two about stupidity. Have you seen Kurt Hummel’s face? Have you looked into Kurt Hummel’s eyeballs? When that boy sings, he lays his soul bare and your soul bare too. Even robots cry. Carmen Tibideau, you are my favorite nun/lounge singer, but you are wrong on this one.

The New Directions have gone in different new directions. Artie is the drum major of the marching band after only one afternoon. (If Artie is not a White House chief of staff by the time he’s 25, I will eat my gold leggings.) Ryder and Jake have joined the basketball team. Tina and Blaine are looking fiiiiine in their Cheerios uniforms. Teen Jesus is shooting Islamic and Jewish classmates with paintballs. And Unique has signed up for floor hockey. (What I wouldn’t give for a roller derby episode of this show! Rachel as Barbara Backhand, Quinn as Malice Ripley, Santana as Burn a Bitch Peters, Brittany as Angela Slamsbury. It could be so good)

What should have happened at this point is a “We’re All in This Together” kind of number with basketballs and footballs and trombones and Blaine doing backhandsprings, but instead we get Finn shouting at everyone for having the audacity to join other clubs, even though I’m pretty sure half of these guys already play football and Blaine is on every team under the sun and wasn’t there an episode two weeks ago dedicated entirely to Superhero Club? After Finn is satisfied with his shaming and shunning, the lights shut off dramatically to symbolize the death of life’s most important things, like Finn Hudson’s feelings.

Sam and Brittany canoodle at Sam’s locker. Brittany says she’s been miserable without Santana and that Sam makes her smile, and she doesn’t want to waste any more time not smiling. Sam asks about the lesbian blogging community and Murphy commandeers her voice again to Finn the lesbian viewers: “Shame on you if you don’t want what I want! Shame on you for having feelings I don’t want you to have! Shaaaame! Shaaaaame! I am the lord your god, and I have spoken!” They kiss and it’s cute and I could really get behind it if these writers would just give me some space to mourn the loss of a really important lesbian couple and also some space to make up my own damn mind. I do what I want, Glee. Stop telling me my business.

Winter Showcase time! While waiting for her turn to perform, Rachel kisses Brody right on the mouth because she’s in charge of her own self now, and she’s tired of asking everybody’s permission. First of all, she sings “Being Good Isn’t Good Enough,” and even if the camera wasn’t Glee-ing all around her the whole time, I would still be dizzy with her performance. She follows it up with an encore performance of “O Holy Night” and I don’t mind telling you that I got a whole lot of tears in my eyes watching it. Say what you will about Rachel Berry – and oh, I have – but Lea Michele’s voice is just devastating sometimes.

In a surprise move, Carmen is so moved by Rachel’s performance that she decides to give Rachel’s best friend Kurt a chance to audition right here on the Winter Showcase stage. Kurt paces and frets and wishes he’d brought some of his props with him because he feels so naked performing without them. Rachel’s eyes are twinkling when she tells him the only prop he needs is his face because, honestly, it looks like it was molded by cherubs at God’s own atelier. He decides on “Being Alive,” and it’s perfect and he’s perfect and when he says, “I’m Kurt Hummel and I’ll be auditioning for the role of NYADA student” I burst into tears.

Carmen feels the same way. She welcomes Kurt to NYADA.

Rachel calls Finn after Kurt sings because her heart is full of wonder and even Finn can’t bring her down. She tells him not to give up on New Directions, so he sends them an email and asks them to meet him in the courtyard after the sun goes down and the snow comes out. Finn and Marley sit in the snow and I guess they’ve never seen this show before because they’re real sad that no one is coming to join them. But when they start singing “Don’t Dream it’s Over,” the rest of the glee club wanders up and sings along, because sometimes it’s about trophies and accolades, and sometimes it’s just about making music with people you love.

This episode could have been so good without that stupid lesbian bloggers thing. Glee can keep dreaming it’s not over, but I think they might have severed their ties with a whole lot of lesbians last night. Anyway, next week Burt Hummel is back and maybe that’ll ease the pain of the Big Bram Wedding.

An enormous thank you, as always, to my screencapping partner Lindsay. Follow her on Twitter (@scenicpenguin), why don’t ya’?

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