“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.11): Naked shower time for everyone

Welcome back! Who wants some turkey bacon? Not the dead guy who keeled over while eating a low-fat breakfast meat substitute at the Division One Café. One word Yelp review: Killer.

Scene: Morning at the Isles Estates. Boston Police homicide detective Jane Rizzoli slowly sips coffee in the kitchen in her pajamas. Commonwealth of Massachusetts’ Chief Medical Examiner Dr. Maura Isles emerges from the bedroom in a silky nightgown and matching robe. They are both rumpled and tired from spending the night together. 

I’m not even making that up. That is what happens in the opening scene between Jane and Maura. They’re together. In pajamas. After spending the night together. I think I have to stop writing these Subtext Recaps because this isn’t subtext anymore.

Jane hands Maura a cup of coffee, which she promptly spits out. Instant coffee, what is this communist Russia? Then Maura asks about the baby. So instead of being exhausted because they spent a night of mad, passionate, aerobic lovemaking together, they’re exhausted because they spent the night watching a baby together. How is that any less gay?

Tommy returns with said baby, complaining about its inability to sleep and then getting swabbed for his paternity test. Jane grabs up the little bundle and Tommy says “it’s weird, how she’s so good with babies.” Maura chimes in how wonderful it was to tag-team the feedings with her all night. And then remarks how baby elephants are raised by the female relatives in the herd. Baby Rizzoli has two aunties! Jane then coos that she wishes they were elephants and could keep him. Again, I am not even making this stuff up.

The phone interrupts the maternal instinct lovefest and Jane and Maura rush to the café to see what the homicide is all about. Turkey bacon did it. Case closed. On to the eyesex. Speaking of sex, Jane tells Maura they’ll change in the car, which we all know is code for a quickie because, really, who changes in the car when they are standing in a perfectly good house with walls and doors? Jane assures her it’ll only take two minutes. That fast? Wow, she’s good.

At the café the dead guy is still dead. Stanley gets chest pains when Jane asks for the food he was served, which has mysteriously disappeared. But even more trouble is afoot back at the Isles Estate where Tommy has called Frankie to help with the baby. There’s a knock at the door and it’s baby mama Lydia and her mama. They take back the baby and for their continued health it is a good thing Jane isn’t there. That angry mama elephant would have stampeded anyone trying to take that baby away from her and Maura.

But maybe it’s Maura the baby snatchers should worry about instead. Back in her lab she’s devising creative child rearing solutions with Jane that involve killing the host family’s children and replacing them with your own. Yeah, don’t mess with Mother Maura. She’ll kill your babies.

Next Jane and Maura do what only Jane and Maura can do: they flirt over barely digested stomach contents. Maura asks Jane to guess what something is and Jane says she’ll only do it if she gets a prize. You get to sleep over at Maura’s whenever you want, honey. Prize already granted.

While Maura is thinking of portmanteaus (you ladies already have one – Rizzles, duh), senior criminalist Susie Chang walks in. I wonder if she ever stops feeling awkward walking into shameless flirting like that.

But back to the real drama, how to get Jane and Maura’s baby back. Jane confirms they have no legal action, because technically Lydia dropped him off with family. But Jane is undeterred. She wants to raise him with Maura and finally attend the pride parades in the “Families” contingent like she’s always secretly dreamed of.

Then Jane notices Maura noticing something. A morgue tech wheels in another body and Maura stares at them. She has moved the bookshelves to see all the dead bodies coming in, presumably. More like to make her girlfriend jealous by pretending to ogle the dead body delivery guy. But after a conversation where he identifies the designer Maura is wearing by its intricate appliqués and stitching, the ladies decide he’s family and all pretense is dropped. A cute guy who likes sewing, knitting, cross-stitching and beading? Girlfriend, please.

Before Jane and Maura can fully appreciate what they consider their superior gaydar, Maura notices some peculiar markings on the dead woman’s skin and goes into full code red. Like she hits a red button and everything.

It’s all fun and games until the guys in the Hazmat suits arrive. Actually, it’s still pretty fun because now Jane is forced to play a game called “Hide the Goodies.” Because the victim could have died from something terrible – Ebola, SARS, Anthrax – they are all forced to strip down and take a decontamination shower. Right there. Out in the open. In front of each other. Fun and games for everyone!

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