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The Best of the Boob Tube: The 64th annual Primetime Emmy Awards

Another year, another Hollywood award show where really fancy golden barbecue skewers are handed out. The 64th annual Primetime Emmy Awards made for a relatively brisk (well, they stayed under three hours) while fairly predictable (well, at least drama had a new winner) evening. Host Jimmy Kimmel returned for the second time, and opened the show with a skit featuring some of the leading ladies of primetime. It was fitting, considering ladies stole the show in what was otherwise a relatively snoozy affair. Here is a look at the real winners and some should have been winners. Also, of course, the dresses.

Outstanding supporting actress in a comedy series: Julie Bowen, Modern Family

Her mention of nipple covers and sister wives in her acceptance speech felt a little like she was auditioning for her own show on TLC. 

Outstanding lead actor in a comedy series: Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men

Ugh. This means I can’t like Duckie anymore.

Outstanding lead actress in a comedy series: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Why, yes, Julia, it was a shame that Amy Poehler didn’t win.

Outstanding supporting actor in a comedy series: Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family

I secretly wanted Schmidt to win. OK, not so secretly anymore.

Outstanding comedy series: Modern Family

Sure, its third consecutive win was predictable, but at least we got to ogle Sofia Vergara again.

Outstanding lead actress in a drama series: Claire Danes, Homeland

Claire gave a “holla” to Mandy Patinkin and her “baby daddy,” Hugh Darcy.  Angela Chase be street, yo.

Outstanding lead actor in a drama series: Damian Lewis, Homeland

As soon as he beat Bryan Cranston, I knew Emmy voters had finally fallen out of love with Breaking Bad.

Outstanding supporting actress in a drama: Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

The Dowager beat Kalinda, but let’s all look at Archie Panjabi again because Maggie was a no-show.

Outstanding supporting actor in a drama series: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

Well, I never said they fell totally out of love with Breaking Bad.

Outstanding drama series: Homeland

Someone please give Morena Baccarin a special Emmy for depth of the V in her dress.

Outstanding lead actress in a miniseries or movie: Julianne Moore, Game Change

You betcha I’m tickled that playing Sarah Palin has now earned two different women Emmys.

Outstanding lead actor in a miniseries or movie: Kevin Costner, Hatfields & McCoys

His win means he’s half way to an EGOT. Look for Dances with Wolves: The Musical next year 

Outstanding supporting actress in a miniseries or movie: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story

And just think, she could win again next year in the same category, in the same show for an entirely different character.

Outstanding supporting actor in a miniseries or movie: Tom Berenger, Hatfields & McCoys

I kind of had forgotten he was still alive until he won an Emmy.

Outstanding miniseries or movie: Game Change

Earlier in the evening, Danny Strong also won for writing this, leaving lesbian Buffy fans everywhere were greatly relieved it was Jonathan and not Warren who took home the trophy.

Outstanding reality-competition program: The Amazing Race

Come on, again? Couldn’t Top Chef have won so I had a legitimate reason to post this picture of Padma Lakshmi?

Outstanding variety series: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Watching Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon hilariously tackle Stewart on the way to the stage was a reminder that any of these three men probably would have been a funnier Emmy host this year than Jimmy Kimmel.

And now that the boring real awards are out of the way, here are some other awards that should have been handed out.

Outstanding wish fulfillment: The Emmy opening skit

Who knew it would be so satisfying to watch Kathy Bates, Christina Hendricks, Zooey Deschanel, Martha Plimpton, Mindy Kaling, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and a naked Lena Dunham punch the former co-host of The Man Show in the face?

Outstanding reason to hate sweatshirts: Ellen DeGeneres

A carefully tied sweatshirt robbed us the sight of a fully pantless.

Outstanding dress most likely to cause problems at airport security: Lucy Liu

And we all volunteer to be the ones giving her her pat down.

Outstanding non-couple we all wish was a real couple: Tina Fey and Jon Hamm

With all respect to their respective partners, come on, that would be hot.

Outstanding politeness in the face of ridiculous hair: Martha Plimpton

Jeremy Davies’ hair got in a fight with a lawn mower and lost.

Outstanding use of cake: Lena Dunham

If eating cake naked on a public toilet is wrong, wait, it sort of is wrong. But also funny.

And now, what you all have been waiting so patiently for, the dresses.

Wait, this isn’t the Golden Globes is it?

Snow White should always have a pixie cut, always.

As sad as I still am about her divorce, I’m happy she brought her newly single cleavage to the Emmys.

Who knew the woman who broke Piper Perabo’s heart would go on to marry Don Draper.

It’s a little “my governess made these out of the living room drapes,” but in a pretty way.

The only Scandal here is that Kerry Washington isn’t a household name — yet.

Clean living looks really good on Nurse Jackie.

She looks pretty and all, but wouldn’t it have been more fun to have Abby Elliott show up as her instead?

One went brunette and one went blond. Either way, that’s good television.

I know it’s a lesbian sin to speak even the slightest bit of ill about them, but is that a jumpsuit made out of an old couch? I love you, Ellen and Portia. Please don’t have me excommunicated.

So, that was the show. What did you think? Best moment? Worst moment? And, of course, all those dresses.

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