So, let’s honor all the Gremlins that we encountered in the last eight weeks. Over the course of the season:
- Lauren and Amanda were introduced as “friends with benefits,” but by midseason we clued in and were all “Stop trying to make ‘Lamanda’ happen. It’s not going to happen!” What did happen was a romance between Kiyomi and Lauren, the only long term relationship to spring out of the unhygienic pool parties at Dinah Shore in the history of Dinah Shore. While they could barely speak in each other’s presence, except an occasional “hurr hurr hurr” and “goo goo ga ga,” Kiyomi and Lauren are now girlfriends, proving that Rihanna was right – you can find love in a hopeless place. Also, Amanda had an on again, off again relationship with a girl in NYC who, wisely, avoided the camera at all times.
- At the beginning of the season Hunter Valentine went on tour, and Kiyomi was dating someone named Ali, who she didn’t really like all that much, so she kept a bunch of
hos in area codes regional reps on speed dial to get her rocks off. While on tour, Somer and Kiyomi got into multiple screaming matches, and Somer never cured her chronic tardiness problem, so in the last episode, Kiyomi and Laura voted her off the island. Meanwhile, Vero’s role this season was to stand around saying reasonable things and looking sexy. She also played some bass.
- The focused and relatively sane Romi at the end of Season 2 was kidnapped by an army of identical looking cylons who ran around doing ridiculous things in her name all season long. First Romi was with Jay, and then she cheated on him with Kelsey, and then Romi couldn’t stop fondling Dusty, so Kelsey left her in the dust. Romi told us Jay was her only boyfriend ever, even though she told us in Season 2 that she had an ex-husband, and then Dusty – another ex-boyfriend – popped out of nowhere. Say what? And then, Romi decided that she wanted to be a pop star. After a certain point we stopped expecting anything logical to come out of her mouth and accepted that everything would sound like this:
The real Romi is still missing. Someone should put her mug on a milk carton.
- Somewhere between Season 2 and Season 3 Sara and Romi became mortal enemies. We don’t know what actually happened, so we can use our imagination, kind of like the Magical Elves when they edit this show. And so now Whitney, Romi, Amanda, Lauren and Hunter Valentine are a crew – and Romi and Rose from Season 1 are BFFs. It’s like they’ve become the Montagues and Capulets, except without tights. Cori and Kacy are friends with all of them, because they’re unicorns and so they are awesome. Romi thinks the crew hates her because she is bi, but Whitney and Sara just think she’s batshit insane, and cray cray has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation.
- Lesbian unicorns Cori and Kacy started the season pregnant and happy, but then they lost Charlie in the fifth month of pregnancy. After a few months of lying in bed with their totally adorbs orange cat Jonesy to mourn, the two re-entered society by going to Dinah Shore, but after a few minutes of looking around at all the thong-tha-thong-thong-thongs they were like “Yo this is wack!” And so they decided to try baby-making again, and as of the last episode, they were pregnant and happy again.
- After three years of a rocky courtship, Whitney and Sara decided that cruising LAX for dates was so last season and they really were meant for each other, so Whitney found one of Sara’s fingers and put a ring on it. Sara told her mom that she was getting married to a woman, and her mom was like “Aw HALLS naw!” Whitney’s mom was all “…” and Whitney’s dad was all, “Reality shows are stupid, so I’m staying home and gettin’ my hair did.” But Whitney’s grandma was all, “That’s cool,” so we love Lucy. Then Whitney and Sara got legally married in Connecticut, which made Sara’s mom go “Aw HALLS naw!” all over again. All of this family business and wedding planning started stressing Whitney and Sara out, so they regressed and drunkenly yelled at each other outside of a lesbian bar. But they decided they were too old for that shit, and they cried and hugged, and now the big fat gay California wedding is approaching. OMG so exciting!
So now it is one month later. Let’s get pumped, because it’s all caps for emphasis!
It is two days from Whitney and Sara’s wedding, and their stress level is dangerously nearing red on the lesbian drama terror alert scale. Whitney tells us, “We literally want to kill each other.”
Whitney jokingly wonders aloud why Sara is wearing a white veil, because she isn’t even close to being virginal.
Sara says she is wearing it as a fashion statement.
And then Whitney receives a text – her dad is coming after all. Hooray! But since he’s the one who hates being on camera, maybe he can wear the veil and everyone can be happy.