“Pretty Dirty Secrets” Recap: Scareway to Heaven

Every Tuesday night, from now until the Pretty Little Liars Halloween episode airs, ABC Family will be posting an episode from their new web series Pretty Dirty Secrets. And so I’ll be recapping it right here at AfterEllen, of course. (You can watch full episodes for free at ABCFamily.com.)

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, there was this one Halloween store where everyone in Rosewood went to buy their costumes. Unfortunately, the store only had two options: baby-face burlap zombie or Lady Gaga. Two, maybe three years ago, every asshole in town went with the baby-face burlap zombie getup, which was a real bee in Miss Alison DiLaurentis’ bonnet, because one of the zombies was meant to affectionately menace her, but then like nine zombies legit menaced her. She flew her little tin can airplane all around town that night trying to work out which zombie was which, to no avail. Could’ve been Noel Kahn. Could’ve been Lucas. Could’ve been me or you or an entire army of lesbian zombies now that we know what she did to Paige McCullers. As for the Lady Gaga costume, Ali D was like, “No one else wears Gaga, got it?” And when she peeped Jenna Marshall checking out the long blonde wig, she marched over there, all, “Hey, new girl, you like them eyeballs? Step-off!” But Jenna just smirked and said, “I wear whatever costume I want to Halloween parties. I eye-fuck whatever girls I want at Halloween parties. And if you have a problem with it, talk to my brother-lover-bodyguard.” And so Jenna wore that costume and she eye-fucked that Emily and the next year she trick-or-treated dressed up as a blind girl, with the tippy-tappy walking stick and everything. Only it wasn’t a costume. Alison kept her promises.

HALLOWEEN NOW

Jason DiLaurentis is wandering around Scareway to Heaven trying to figure out jf he’ll look more or less gay in a pirate costume and also just talking on the phone as loud as the day about that $50,000 check he wrote back in the beginning of season three. He’s like, “No, I know what you thought. You thought when the myth of Ezra Fitz’s sock drawer full of cash was cleared up, it’d be safe to cash that check. You thought, ‘Oh, this is the dead widow’s safety deposit box money of season three.’ Well, it’s not. You tell me where to find Ali’s body or I’m gonna call the cops. And you’d better hope you don’t have any garden tools lying around when they get there.”

His constabulary commination is interrupted by CeCe Drake, who you might remember has been asking after him like some kind of Cousin Nate ever since she wandered back into Rosewood.

CeCe is like, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you, old friend. I nearly broke my neck walking through your backyard in the middle of the night. Why the hell did you dig up all those holes?” Jason is interested in neither the fate of CeCe Drake’s neck nor making apologies to her Alison-shaped face for whatever way he wronged her in the past. But CeCe says she’s not really there to collect an apology. After all, people do weird shit when they’re grieving. Sometimes they push you away. Sometimes they creep on you and post videos of you in the shower at NatClub.net. What CeCe is there for is to issue an apology. Apparently, she’s the one who helped Alison “run away,” which, in this context, means “get murdered.”

They stare each other down and try to figure out who is the grossest, him with his history of underage voyeurism and drug addiction and that time he nearly clobbered Ali in the head with a field hockey stick, or her with … well, we’re not really sure yet what mischief CeCe has managed to get up to, except for repeatedly saying “Americano” and aiding Ali in her quest to destroy Paige’s life. Let’s just call it a draw for now. Both of these guys suck. Their hesitant salutations turn into a shouting match of accusations. Finally, Jason storms out of the store while CeCe dances around in the background like a chicken, squawking and flapping her wings and hollering about, “Get drunk then, you yellow-bellied teen wino!”

The camera rushes past him to the checkout counter where someone named Shana is manning the register. Apparently, she was the lucky black person who won the lottery to move to Rosewood after Cousin Nate took a knife to the gut in that light house. You know how it works: Only one black person at a time can exist within the city limits due to incomprehensible physics or dark magic or something. First there was Maya, and then when she ran away there was that black girl Emily thought was Maya — Remember? She tried to kiss her in Rosewood Grill and the girl was like, “…the hell?” And Ems was all, “Oh, shit. Did Maya’s visa expire? What are you doing here?” — and then when Maya got murdered it was Cousin Nate and now Cousin Nate is murdered and it’s Shana.

Anyway, so Shana files her fingernails and looks unimpressed with Jason DiLaurentis banging around like an ogre. She’s very pretty. I hope she hooks up with Mona.

Shana looks over her shoulder at CeCe, like, “Bullet dodged, if you ask me.” But CeCe just huffs and puffs and scowls like a girl with exactly the kind of pretty dirty secrets that manifest themselves in murdering people on Halloween trains while dressed up like Anna Karenina. Fingers crossed!

What did you think of the first full episode of Pretty Dirty Secrets?

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