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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 308 – “Premonitions”

Welcome to another Real L Word recap. At 58 minutes and 17 seconds long, Episode 8 is the longest episode to air this season, so for my own sake and yours, I’ll just dive right in and get through this as quickly as possible.

Lauren, Whitney and Sara are hanging out at the Juicy party at Factory nightclub in West Hollywood, which is conveniently hosted by Whitney — and Sara is one of the dancers. Neither Whitney nor Sara seem to be working tonight. Instead, they listen to Lauren gush about taking a red eye to New York to visit Kiyomi.

Lauren tells us, again, that she has developed strong feelings for Kiyomi — which, as we know, took all of three days at Dinah. Lauren says that she cannot wait to see her and that, “we have a lot of things to do.” Like what? Taking long walks on the beach, playing with kittens and accidentally falling into threesomes? Meow.

Sara jokes that Lauren is falling in love, and Whitney jumps in saying that “There isn’t any way you can un-serious this situation.” Peanut gallery time.

“I feel Kiyomi has Lauren in the palm of her hand. Doot da doot doot!” says Sara.

“You’ve got to keep them guessing,” Sara concludes.

“Give them little tastes,” agrees Whitney.

Whitney looks over at Sara and continues, “We gave each other little tastes for over three years before we chomped. And look at us now. We are a month away from walking down the aisle.” They also gave quite a few other people little nibbles for those three years, because they are generous.

Over in Brooklyn, Kiyomi and Laura are at Metropolitan Bar, where Vero is serving drinks, and they have another “Dude, where’s my keyboardist?” moment. Kiyomi tells us that she and Laura have decided to let Somer go, and that the pink slip will be issued the next day at noon.

“So this is like an ultimatum?” asks Vero.

“It’s not an ultimatum,” says Kiyomi. Tomorrow, Somer is going the way of the dodo, and nothing – not Batman, not Aladdin, not even the power of the clam – can save her.

Vero tries to save Somer’s chances of keeping her job, but Laura and Kiyomi disagree.

“I say we allow her to talk,” says Laura. But the decision is final.

Kiyomi adds, “I definitely don’t want this weighing on me when Lauren comes to visit.” So, basically, Lauren trumps Somer. Whatever happened to “bros before some chick you just met in Palm Springs”?

Somer walks into the bar, and Kiyomi and Laura greet her with cheers. The guillotine is falling tomorrow, and the executioners are greeting the fair maiden on death row with smiles. In fact, the lady doesn’t even know she’s on death row. Vero scoots away uncomfortably, shaking her head.

Kiyomi tells Somer not to miss the meeting tomorrow at Vero’s house. Somer asks her what the meeting is about. She thought they were recording tomorrow. Kiyomi decides to give a vague answer. “Everything that is coming up,” she says.

Back in Los Angeles, Romi arrives at Dusty’s house, ostensibly to work on their music, but first, they share an excessively long embrace.

Romi tells us that she and Dusty make a great team, because Dusty is a songwriter, and she wants to sing. She continues, “I can’t write a song to save my life, but guess that? I have a really great following, and I have a lot of publicity. You give me a song to sing, and I will give you people to listen to it.”

And then Romi and Dusty hold hands for an interminable amount of time. Dusty tells us, “For someone who hasn’t been in a studio before, like she can do anything already, so this is so much fun, you know, to play with.” Then it is time to go, but first, the two need to hug. Again. And they just won’t let go. And why are we being subjected to this? I’m going to time them this round.  

Now I know why this episode is longer than every other episode this season. The editors have retained every excruciating Romi/Dusty touchy feely moment, making us wish we could all run as quickly as Usain Bolt – away from the television screen – whenever these scenes appear. Oh, and Kelsey, it’s about time you invest in some Nikes.

Next we catch up with Cori and Kacy, who have decided to diversify their portfolio of medical professionals. Instead of going to the OBGYN, they take a trip to their therapist’s office. Cori tells her therapist that when she logs onto Facebook and sees photos and status messages of her happy pregnant Facebook friends, it makes her jealous. Ah, Facebook. Making every negative emotion you are currently experiencing exponentially worse. Too bad this scene was filmed before the creation of the greatest plugin of all time: Unbaby Me, which replaces babies on your news feed with other things.

Cori’s therapist tells her that jealousy is actually anger in disguise, and that feeling anger is normal, so acknowledging it is healthy. But another renowned therapist, Yoda, had a different take on anger.  

I guess we’ll find out in the season finale if Cori starts wearing capes and picks up the hobby of blowing up planets.

Back in New York, Kiyomi and Laura invite Somer to Vero’s house to do the dastardly deed, but, uncharacteristically, Somer arrives before them.

“Are you excited for next week?” Somer asks Vero.

“What’s happening next week?” asks Vero.

“Our show!” says Somer, laughing.

“Oh a show!” says Vero. “Yes!”

Awkward.

Finally, Kiyomi and Laura arrive, and immediately, Kiyomi gets to business.

“The first thing we need to talk about, the obvious thing, is the elephant in the room,” she says. Kiyomi tells Somer that she may not be the right fit for the band, considering the band’s goals. Somer tells us that the meeting “felt a little bit like an ambush.” And that she wishes that the decision could have been made with both sides taking part in a conversation. The band agrees that she can finish recording the record with them, but still: Back in LA, Whitney tells us, “We are a month out from our big California wedding, and we have a lot of fucking things to do.”

As Whitney rattles off a list of things to do before the wedding, Sara gets distracted by the intriguing pattern on the bottom of her bag of snacks. Sara takes the laptop from Whitney, and Whitney says, “Baby, what are you doing?” Sara says that she is hard at work getting addresses for the wedding invites, and Whitney points out that she is on Facebook.

“So what?” says Sara. “That’s how I work.”

Whitney takes the laptop back and tells Sara that they need some follow-through with the wedding planning tasks, but Sara looks like she has fallen into the black hole of Words with Friends or Angry Birds.

“I’m over this,” says Sara. And it looks like Whitney has lost this battle.

Back in New York, Somer and her wife Donna discuss her departure from the band and what it means for their future. Somer says that being part of Hunter Valentine gave her a taste of how life could be as a professional musician, a dream that she has always wanted to pursue, but Donna says that perhaps it is time to settle down and have mini DonnaSomers.

Donna tells us that sometimes you just have to bite the bullet, “especially if you’re in your late 30s.”

Over in LA, Romi has come home, glowing like a biohazard. “You’re all red and cheerful,” says Kelsey.

“Like Christmas?” says Romi. Then Kelsey furrows her brows, telling Romi that she keeps having headaches and nightmares. Romi asks Kelsey what she dreamed about, and Kelsey brushes it off, saying that it was an especially bad dream, but it was only a product of her own loopiness.

Kelsey tells us a different story. “I really honestly think I have premonitions. I had a dream about Jay and Romi going back with Jay. That happened. I had a dream about Romi starting to make music with Dusty. That happened.”

“What are you having nightmares about?” asks Romi.

“I have nightmares about you, crazy!” says Kelsey, breaking up a piece of broccoli. Wait? She does the cooking too? Life is truly unfair.

Romi tries to guess what Kelsey dreamed about. She gets it on the first try.

Romi: I left you for Dusty. Kelsey: Yeah, you did. Romi: But it’s not real! Kelsey:I don’t know if they are dreams or premonitions. Romi: You and your fucking premonitions. Kelsey: I’ve been having lots of premonitions lately. Romi: What did I do? Kelsey: You said, “I can’t hold these feeling back for a man. That’s who I really am, Kelsey. I am sorry I’ve been stringing you along.”
Romi suggests going to bed, and offers to fool around with Kelsey, so then she will have wet dreams instead of bad dreams. Fortunately, the strap on doesn’t come out, so we don’t have to sit through any more of Romi’s pretend orgasms.

Kelsey tells us that while she is concerned that a short voice coaching session with Dusty led to a larger project, singing is what Romi wants to do, so she says she will be a good girlfriend and support her.

She sends a warning to Romi, though. “Premonitions, baby, premonitions. Be careful what you do in my dreams.”

While Kelsey is taking out her aggression on a piece of broccoli somewhere in La La Land, Lauren is in her own la la land in Brooklyn. Again, like a broken record, Lauren repeats that she has intense feelings for Kiyomi. She also tells us that Amanda was not getting along with her sometimes girlfriend, sometimes ex, so Amanda went back to Los Angeles, but while that is a “bummer,” she’s here to see Kiyomi.

Kiyomi tells us that she is nervous about Lauren visiting her. She says that hookups that happen at Dinah Shore are kind of like summer camp romances — in that you don’t bring that stuff home. “So I hope it’s not that kind of scenario,” she says.

Back in California, Cori and Kacy are taking a long, sad walk on the beach. This is the day that Charlie was supposed to be born. Kaci tells us that when they were trying to get pregnant, one day they invited all their friends to throw flowers in the ocean to grab the attention of whatever deities were floating around to implant a soul in Cori’s uterus. So today Cori and Kacy have decided to go the beach — just the two of them – and do the same thing to say goodbye to Charlie. Since a lot of changes have been going on in her life, including her new “career,” Romi decides to center herself by having dinner with her extended family. She tells us that she has two special needs brothers and that their disabilities are related to her dad getting exposed to Agent Orange during the Vietnam War. She tells us that she wants to make it big, so she can take care of her family. I don’t know if singing cheesy tunes that sounded like they came out of a 1990s Eurotrash nightclub with a guy who isn’t even signed to a record label is the most practical way to reach that goal, but hey, at least her heart is in the right place.

In a less quiet part of town, Whitney has invited Amanda out to play. Amanda broke up with her ex for real this time (we think), Lauren is out of town, so Whitney wants to help Amanda get her mind off of things. Whitney, Sara and Amanda sit around having drinks at a nightclub, and before Amanda even opens her mouth, Sara already has a sour face. Amanda innocently suggests that she would love to help design the outfits for their wedding. She just worked on a runway show with an LA based designer named Lloyd Klein.

The she adds, “I’m not a designer in any way, but I’m really good with fashion!” Sort of like how Romi isn’t a singer in any way, but for some reason she is singing?

Whitney says she is open to the idea, not because she thinks it is a good idea, but because she doesn’t have any other ones. Then the alcohol starts talking a little more, and Amanda suggests that she can totally get a marriage license online and marry the two of them! OMG! A designer and an officiator? It’s like everyone on this show has five hundred careers.

Sara tells us that her wedding with Whitney is none of Amanda’s business. “Amanda is bothering the shit out of me,” she complains.

Visibly annoyed, Sara tells Amanda, “I’d rather you not do it, but you can still wear a suit. You can still wear a priest outfit as a joke!” Then she walks out the front door to get some air – and Amanda’s voice out of her head.

About Sara, Whitney tells Amanda, “She’s in a mood.” Whitney goes outside to see what is wrong.

Whitney finds Sara outside and tries to get her attention. “What is wrong with you, dude?” says Whitney.

“Do not grab me!” yells Sara, and then they start fighting. Amanda wanders outside, and at the mere sight of Amanda, Sara walks off and leaves Whitney at the club.

“You can go, Sara! I’ll stay! You can go!” Whitney yells after her. “She can go fuck herself, seriously.” And since the first “seriously” wasn’t serious enough, Whitney says it again, louder. “No, SERIOUSLY!” Because Whitney is serious.

Back in New York, Kiyomi and Lauren go out on their first date at Tre, an Italian wine bar and restaurant on the Lower East Side. This is the same restaurant that Vero and Kiyomi went to last episode, where Vero told Kiyomi that Lauren said she could see herself just being with Kiyomi.

Lesbians: so advanced that they can go steady before the first date. It’s like getting a degree in Literature without knowing how to read. Or becoming a member of the House Science, Space and Technology Committee without knowing anything about science, space or technology. After an attempt at making awkward conversation, the two give up and just make out. Kiyomi tells us that while she still isn’t sure whether she is ready for a relationship she sees something in Lauren that makes her want to change her ways. As Kiyomi tells Lauren about her meeting with Somer, I got distracted by the specials menu at Tre. Unlimited Champagne brunch? Vino con Pesche? Unlimited meatballs? What was Kiyomi talking about again?

Back in LA, Jonesy Cat hears a toilet flush and paws at the door of the bathroom. Something is afoot. Either Jonesy is exhibiting its natural animal sixth sense and knows something big is about to happen, or he is just upset that he didn’t get to stand on the toilet seat and watch water spiral down the toilet bowl. Cori steps out of the bathroom, and Jonesy squawks with disapproval and flees. Cori gets into bed holding a home pregnancy test and without any expectations, looks at the results.

“We’re pregnant!” says Cori.

“Holy shit!” says Kacy, laughing. The Unicorn rises again! (OK, I it’s the phoenix that rises, but unicorns are special and can do anything.)

Meanwhile Whitney and Sara are lying in bed wondering what the hell they were fighting about the night before. Sara tell Whitney that she didn’t want to hang out with Amanda last night at all.

“We already have our own shit going on, and as soon she gets there, I’m already irritated by her,” says Sara.

Whitney tells as that Amanda didn’t really cause all the tension that happened the night before — all the stress, planning, headaches associated with the wedding were making both Sara and Whitney irritable. Amanda was just the village idiot that stumbled into an already tense situation.

So Whitney and Sara discuss their need to communicate more effectively, now that they are actually married. They agree that the days of storming out of a club, screaming expletives on the street while talking with their hands should be over. Look ma! They done growed up!

And then we fall into another black hole featuring Romi and Dusty’s petting farm, which only consists of the two of them, and no one wants to pet them, so they just pet each other.

Dusty: [purring] Our first dressing room session… Romi: And we match. Dusty: And we match. Romi: Perfect.
All right, I can’t take these two anymore. Since all of this vomitrocious stroke-age between Dusty and Romi doesn’t look like it’s going to end anytime soon, here’s a little exercise to do every time you see a Dusty and Romi touch-a-thon. Look below. It’s Switz, standing next to a girl who is clearly awesome. Remember Switz? She is the girl who was already fitted with a mic when she “randomly” hit on Lauren earlier this season. Then at Dinah Shore, she mysteriously appears next to Lauren and Amanda at the Hunter Valentine show. She also never takes off her headband. So, every time you see Dusty and Romi feel each other up, to cure the rising feeling of nausea, think of Switz’s headband, which has magic qualities. Otherwise she wouldn’t wear it all the time. Hope this helps.

As the video shoot begins, Romi tells us, “We were definitely flirting, and I was just really trying to use that as the creative drive for the two of us.”

Oh the things people do for the sake of art.

The director calls for a break, and Romi and Dusty re-assume their favorite position, making us all wish that we were watching a Looney Tunes cartoon and an anvil would magically fall from the sky and land on them. During the break Kelsey shows up on set to support Romi.

She tells us, “I’m excited to be there for Romi and be there for her and just see what they’ve been working on.”

Then Kelsey notices that Romi and Dusty are unusually friendly. In fact, Romi completely ignores her, so Kelsey approaches the two of them to make small talk. When she comes within earshot, all conversation stops, and Romi and Dusty seem to be laughing about an inside joke.

Kelsey tells us, “It was almost like I was walking into a conversation that I wasn’t supposed to, or just like, I wasn’t welcome in that conversation. And I was like whoa, this is weird! Like, I’m not going to come up to my girlfriend and feel like I can’t talk to my girlfriend, like I’m in a weird… situation.”

And the hot air coming from Romi and Dusty’s general direction finally starts to blow Kelsey’s rose colored glasses off her face.

After witnessing more gratuitous petting between the two, Kelsey tells us that their behavior isn’t right and that they are touching each other inappropriately. “I’m your girlfriend and I’m with you. Like, have some fucking respect!” she tells us. But she decides not to say anything to Romi and stews in silence.

Then Romi notices that Kelsey isn’t sharing her elation. Gee, maybe it’s because Dusty’s sweat is laced with MDMA, and Kelsey is not touching him all the time – or maybe it’s because Romi is acting like a selfish twat. Romi tells Kelsey she would rather not have her on set if she is just going to hold her back from how she wants to act.

Romi is indignant and getting no sympathy from Kelsey, she tries to get it from the viewing audience, “I don’t have time for it. I don’t have time for it right now. I have things I have to do. I can’t do this right now!”

Um. Kelsey, suddenly realizing that she is not wearing a dog collar and that she can exercise her free will, starts to walk off the set. Romi runs after her, continuing to berate her.

Romi tells Kelsey that she upset that she isn’t more supportive of her singing, “something she’s dreamed about doing her entire life,” but Kelsey tells her she tried to show support but Romi didn’t hear her — she was too busy sticking her head up Dusty’s dusty ass. Which Romi is this anyway? Is it the same one who has wanted to make jewelry her entire life? She’s definitely not the one whose only boyfriend was Jay, right? Are there even more Romis running around? I am so confused.

“Today is my day!” Romi tells us. “I am shooting a video that is all about… me!” How could Kelsey ruin it by wanting some basic respect?

And then Kelsey continues to walk. It is like seeing a baby bird taking flight for the first time. Channel Usain Bolt! Keep running! Don’t look back! Go, Kelsey, go!

Romi returns to the set and tells Dusty that Kelsey left, because she doesn’t understand the way one has to act in order to make a music video. Dusty agrees, and the two of them go back to acting like every other musician who needs to channel creativity by rubbing against each other. An artist? No. Moving along.

Kiyomi and Lauren go to a park, and Kiyomi tells Lauren that she wants to ask her a serious question and tells her not to get nervous. Then Kiyomi starts making out with her, because that’s what Kiyomi does when things get awkward and she doesn’t know what to say. Eventually, she gets the courage to ask Lauren whether they want to go steady, and Lauren is all about it.

“You’re my girlfriend!” Kiyomi tells Lauren.

Back in LA, shit is about to get real.

Romi is home farting around on her laptop, probably searching Google for her next career that she has wanted to do her entire life or OkCupid for the next guy or gal she wants to have babies with the following week.

Kelsey throws open the door to her and Romi’s bedroom and exclaims, “You didn’t text me back!”

Romi: I didn’t get a text! What did you text me? Kelsey: I’ve been texting you!
(Um, that’s not an answer, but OK.)
Romi: You said you weren’t coming home tonight.
(Um, that proves that you did get a text, but OK.)
Kelsey: And you have no desire to write me back. Romi: Kelsey, I texted you earlier, and you said, “I’m moving out. You’re choosing money over — what money am I choosing?”
(Um, this means that Romi did text her back. I am so confused.)
Kelsey: What are you talking about, Romi?
Wait, is Romi lying about the texts? Did Kelsey text the wrong Romi? Is Pluto a planet again? What is going on?

Then the two start yelling at each other about Romi and Dusty’s obvious attraction for each other. Finally, Kelsey asks whether Romi would be OK with her flirting with one of her exes on stage, and Romi says, “No.”

“Well there’s your answer,” says Kelsey. “Did you ever think maybe you fell back in love with him?”

Romi stands there speechless, probably because she doesn’t know the meaning of the word “think.” Kelsey tells us, “I’ve always been a sucker for Romi, because I’ve been in love with Romi, and you do crazy fucking shit when you’re in love. Love gets you somewhere where you’re hurt, you’re abandoned, and you think someone is your best friend, but really, you were just a fucking filler.”

Romi says that she is tired and tells Kelsey that she is being dramatic, but Kelsey has made her decision. She once was lost, but now she’s found, was blind but now she sees!

“It’s done,” she tells Romi. “We’re not together anymore. That’s it.” And Kelsey walks out and slams the door behind her to the sound of thousands of applauding lesbians. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty she is free at last! With Kelsey out of the picture, Romi grieves for all of five seconds and calls Dusty. Anyone surprised?

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