“True Blood” Recap (5.12): “Save Yourself”

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You guys! Last night was the season finale of True Blood. I’m still kind of in disbelief that it’s over, because it really feels like it was just getting started. How are we supposed to last until 20-fucking-13 after all those seriously intense cliff-hangers? But that being said, I really feel like this was the best episode of the season, and not only because of that make out scene. But now I’m getting ahead of myself.

We begin with the fairies putting their hands together to zap the shit out of Russell, who, in turn, only feels a very slight tickling sensation. So that’s terrifying. If the fairies don’t have their zapping powers, what do any of us have at all? Just as he appears to be about to erupt into an fit of orgasmic giggles, Eric appears! I’m such an Eric fan right now. I never thought I would be. Eric holds Russell by the neck as suddenly his face begins to shine with fairy light and he up and explodes. It seems that Eric holding him by the neck was unrelated to the fairy-plosion that occurred, but Eric is going to take credit for it anyway. And you know what? I’m going to let him have it.

Sookie runs to help Jason, who in the last episode was magic-blasted by the elder. But she’s interrupted by Nora, who catches a whiff of her sparkle snatch and wants in. Eric once again intervenes,  making Nora swear on Godric not to eat Sookie. How kind!

When Sookie reaches poor, sweet simple Jason, he seems to have gotten quite the knock on the head, and now he can see his dead parents. I wonder how that works, medically speaking.

At the Authority, the guards bring Sam to Bill as breakfast. Sam hopes that he can tell Bill what’s up re: Emma, but he didn’t take into account that Bill has actually lost his damn mind. Bill takes his fangs out just as Sam turns into a fly or mosquito or whatever and flies into the ventilation ducts.

Eric and Nora go to Fangtasia, only to have Tara tell them that Pam was taken by the Authority. They take several million dollars out of a hole in the wall and pack to go save the day.

Sookie offers to take Jason to the ER while he listens to his dead parents mutter amongst themselves about vampires. She should probably stop asking him and just take him but then Eric, Nora and Tara zoom into the house to ask for Sookie’s help in rescuing Bill, Jessica and Pam. They need Sookie, not for her microwave hands but for her magic vagina, because it’s the only thing that might be able to appeal to Bill’s sense of humanity. Tara says several times that Sookie owes Pam, and finally she agrees. As if she had any choice. Jason agrees to go with them, because it’s his right as an American to be a total dipshit, and also because now he wants to kill vampires.

So the Authority knows they have been breached by shifters as per Sam, and Bill gives a pretty scary speech to the security team about killing rats and flies and other tiny things that could be shifters, all to protect Lilith’s period blood, which is the essence of life. He’s such a nutcase right now I can’t even deal. Then Salome asks him about that Chancellor Bill killed over being the Chosen One, and Bills tells her what happened only he edits one tiny part: he tells her that Lilith appeared to him and told him that she had chosen Salome. I wish someone would appear and tell me what lipstick Salome is wearing in this scene. She looks great.

Sam buzzes on over to Luna, who is still in the human holding cell, trying to keep Emma calm while they all wait to maybe die. Luna refuses to leave the baby, who is making the saddest tiny squeaking noises I’ve ever heard.

Pam and Jessica are in neighboring silver cells in the Authority. Jessica is going on and on about her crazy religious relatives. I feel like Jessica gets more annoying around Pam. And that is saying a lot given my acknowledged love for her. Pam observes that humans repeat the same behavior over and over, and now vampires are doing the same thing.

Out in the bright countryside, Alcide and his papa have some witty banter while grilling a large mammal for breakfast. (Don’t wolves like cereal?) His dad starts to reflect upon his mistakes, but Alcide is like, yo do you even have any idea how many times you’ve said that to me? Then Grandma Meth Face pulls up with Rikki in the backseat. Rikki is screaming and crying and kicking around, and it seems that she’s been forced to drink vampire blood. She would like to puke it up and then eat her bloody puke, or something. She calls Grandma a dyke, which might actually be a decent observation. We learn that JD has been force-feeding V to the entire pack. So naturally Alcide throws her over his shoulder because he’s Alcide, and that’s his move. Grandma says something about the Holy Wars.

Sookie and Jason pack up the car full of weaponry and Jason says that anything with fangs is fair game for him to blow up. They raid the vampire killing store and fill it up with stakes. Sookie tries to convince him that the vampires are on their side, but Jason is like, there’s a fucking war coming! He’s aided by his parents who are extremely anti-vamp, maybe because they were killed by one. If only Sookie could just read his mind and see that he was seeing their parents!

Alcide’s dad gives Rikki some silver potion that makes her sweat out the vampire blood, which is pretty nasty looking. She tells Alcide about how JD forced them to drink vampire blood and then raped some of the younger girls. What is she like, nineteen? This is upsetting. Luckily Alcide’s dad has some secret high-grade vampire blood for special occasions, and he offers it to Alcide to help him play by JD’s rules.

Lafayette makes three enormous Cajun margaritas for himself, Holly and Arlene. It seems that Lafayette’s character has been reduced to token sassy gay guy who is only there for the entertainment of straight white women, so that’s annoying. Andy enters Merlott’s with a very pregnant Morella on his arm. She starts chugging salt like a weirdo as Jane Boathouse drunkenly hits on Andy. Holly appears and tries to get her flirt on, but Andy is there to talk to her about the fairy he knocked up. He tells her that they slept together two weeks ago and also one week ago, which reminds me that this season is supposed to take place over a very short period of time. Holly is really pissed off, as she should be. Then Morella starts orgasming, because her light broke, and that’s where babies come from.

Bill and Salome share a disgusting sex scene, that’s only actually disgusting because of the fake tenderness and how much I hate Bill.

Cut to the car where Sookie trying to convince Jason that Bill isn’t really evil. But he is evil, Sookie, he is! Just because you had good sex doesn’t mean he’s a nice person. Jason ponders why the Stackhouse offspring only love creatures who are unavailable, and observes that maybe they feel like they don’t deserve better. I personally think that they are probably just not ready to settle down so they pick people that they can’t really have serious long-term relationships with. But what the fuck do I know? Then Eric appears upside-down in the car window and makes them pull over. I wasn’t sure if it was Eric at first because he looks so different upside-down.

At Merlott’s, Morella proceeds to have the most orgasmic birthing experience that anyone has ever had. With a single, piercing scream, she pops out a perfect baby girl who looks about three weeks old. Then Morella starts coming again, and eventually pops out a total of four baby girls. Then she wipes her hands on her sparkly dress, and tells Andy to take good care of them. Since he sired them, he gets stuck with them, which is pretty awesome. She bids him farewell and saunters on out. He giggles nervously and Holly tells him that he’s a dick, which he is.

Back at the Authority, Luna skin walks as Steve (great idea, Sam) and takes Emma out of her cage for a walk. She swishes on out of the human cells, but is stopped by the receptionist Chelsea who is full of things to say. Unfortunately she realizes that Steve’s Southern accent is gone. They have a very stressful conversation about why he is no longer speaking in a Southern accent, and I really just want to have a heart attack. As if that’s not bad enough, as Luna starts to leave, that red-haired Chancellor appears and yells at her about killing all those frat boys. They get in the elevator together as she continues to lecture, and I’m wondering why she can’t smell that Steve isn’t Steve.

In werewolf land, JD has a vampire strung up by the neck with a silver noose and is draining him of blood. Then Alcide and his dad roll up and Alcide punches JD in the face until he’s nearly dead and then breaks his neck until he’s all the way dead. Was that entirely necessary? All the werewolves bow down to him, and he makes some bullshit self-aggrandizing speech about how wolves love nature and themselves. He says, “Tonight, we choose pack,” as I vomit.

Eric drives up to the Authority clubhouse with Sookie, Pam and Jason bound and gagged in the back. They manage to lie their way past the security guard, even though he takes a liking to Sookie’s smell. Bill is watching from a security camera and is relatively shocked to see Sookie in the backseat.

Chancellor Roslyn takes Luna/Steve to The Newsroom for the season finale. Just kidding. She takes Luna/Steve there to go on TV and deny the fact that he and Russell massacred a frat house, despite the video evidence to the contrary. Unfortunately, mid-speech, Luna starts vomiting blood and changes back into her fine self. She has just enough time to say into the camera that vampires have humans in an underground bunker before Roslyn knocks the camera over. Then Sam buzzes into her mouth and shifts back into himself, so she explodes. But Luna starts to pass out as the scene ends. Papi, no!

The dream team enters the Authority as Salome is off somewhere whispering sweet nothings to Lilith’s menses. Jason, who has gotten really good at shooting vampires, clears a bloody passageway for them to enter. Tara warns Sookie not to slip on the blood, which is sweet, and maybe means they can be friends again. Meanwhile, Eric and Nora hover above a room and then Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon the shit out of a team of security guards.

Sookie and Tara find Pam and Jessica, and Pam and Tara exchange words through the silver. I’m not really sure what they are saying to each other because I’m too distracted by their steamy eye contact. When the gates unlock, Tara just grabs on to the silver and throws the door open. With an unpleasant howl of pain, she steps into Pam’s arms, and then all of the build-up all season long finally comes to a peak and they fucking make out. They even have their own theme song, which sounds kind of like the music that used to play every time Bill and Sookie had a moment, only it’s less annoying. One of them makes some tiny moaning noises. And Sookie is like, oh, okay! and Jessica is like, I knew it! Because nothing makes straight girls more awkward then unexpectedly seeing lesbians make out. I will probably watch this scene a few more times before continuing.

Bill finds Salome, who seems to have instantly changed from a purple dress to a white one. She is all prepared to ritualistically drink Lilith’s blood, and she gives Bill a speech about how great she is. Bill makes a half-hearted attempt to convince her not to drink it, but she’s too high on her masturbatory excitement over the rapture and whatnot. It’s pretty obvious that Bill did something to the blood, otherwise he wouldn’t be so calm right now.

Sookie, Tara, Pam and Jessica return to Jason, who has been holding down the fort in the lobby. Jessica tells him that she loves him, but he’s like actually I’m over vampires. Eric and Nora meet up, and Eric and Sookie put everyone on the elevator because they have to go get Bill. I’m really not sure why, but okay.

Salome is rolling on the floor in pain, because Bill gave her fake blood with silver in it. Like any good villain, he reveals all of his master plans, and tells her that she failed because her narcissism prevented her from predicting adversarial behavior. She realizes what he has done and basically accepts her death, telling him that Lilith made the right choice. He then stakes her, confirming that Lilith did indeed select the most violent and psychopathic vampire. As he’s about to drink the blood, Eric and Sookie show up to try to convince him not to. But he doesn’t want to hear it, and as Sookie tries her usual pleading charms, he tells her that according to the vampire bible, she’s an abomination. She weeps and pleads for him not to throw his kindness away, but he’s not listening, and is instead making some pretty steamy eyes at Eric. That eye contact seems to be solidifying that Bill is out of fucks to give regarding humans and their wining. He says that he has spent his entire vampire life apologizing, and is now ready to stop being afraid, since Lilith grants freedom from fear. I don’t know, I kind of liked Bill when he hated himself. Maybe he can go back to self-loathing. But as he said to Sookie on the night they first met, vampires often turn on those they love the most. And so he drinks all of Lilith’s period blood and then melts into a puddle on the floor. Sookie sobs into Eric’s pectorals.

But then! Bill rises up from the puddle of blood, reborn as Bilith. Honestly I was really hoping to see Jessica Clark rise from the puddle, but I guess we can’t have everything. Eric screams for Sookie to run, and then the credits come on and it’s over.

But it’s not over! There is a scene at the end of the credits. If you didn’t watch it for some reason, you should stop reading this.

However if you are like me and have no will power for spoilers, let’s continue to discuss what happens.

So we’re back in the elevator at the Authority with the crew that Sookie and Eric left to go save Bill. In what is probably my favorite True Blood moment of all time, Tara tells Pam not to get killed, because they have a date that’s been a long time coming. And Pam says, “Well if that’s not an impetus to survive I don’t know what is,” and she’s smiling despite herself. And oh my god you guys it’s just the hottest exchange that’s ever happened, made hotter for some reason by the fact that they are holding weapons. And if that isn’t an impetus to watch this show next season, I REALLY don’t know what is! I hope Tara is the top.

Meanwhile it looks like Jason is trying to decide whether or not to kill Jessica or something, so next season we can look forward to that. Not. As they exit the elevator onto the roof, Jason says, “I’m coming for you, Warlow.” And Nora’s says, “What do you know about Warlow?” I forgot about him! So I guess next year will be the Year of the Warlow, and also of the vampire/human war that I expected to happen this season.

Well my friends, we’ve come to an end, but really it’s more like an intermission. Because we’re in the middle of about a million different things, and also I can’t believe that Pam and Tara only made out. Like, I’m not trying to get greedy here but after all that build-up and straight sex, this was all we get? Obviously the show is aware that we are owed some more, as evidenced by the bonus scene.

Tell me how you are feeling. Is everyone okay out there? Did you keep breathing? How many times did you watch the make out scene? What are your predictions? Go.

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