Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb hacked into Maya’s website page, and the Liars, sans Emily, sat around eating popcorn and Red Vines and watching Maya’s personal videos like a couple of Garrett Reynoldses. Ezbian’s magnificent mother wafted onto the scene, insulted Aria in every possible way, and offered her literal cash money to set their little chipmunk free. Toby made every face he could think of, and then skipped town to practice making more faces. Hanna petitioned the Wizengamot of Radley Institute not to send Mona to the Gotham Penitentiary. So shocked was she by her success that she smashed her face into Dr. Wren’s face for some celebratory snogging. And Emily finally gave herself over to the dazzling cataclysm that is Paige McCullers.
Rear Window Brew. Spencer Hastings is consumed by hysteria. Not the normal kind of hysteria where she dresses up like Garrett Reynolds and films herself murdering people, so she’ll have some evidence to give the police to prove how guilty, guilty, guilty he is, but the kind of hysteria where she forgot to submit her college application to UPenn due to the fact that she lost herself inside that DiLaurentis Sims hellscape she’s creating on her computer every second of every day. “I found my application smashed up in the bottom of my bag,” she wails at Aria, “underneath a sub-par research paper, a trophy smeared with rat’s blood, an anklet smeared with Hanna’s blood, three broken field hockey sticks, a shovel, two fire pokers, a golf club, a handgun, four empty Red Bull cans, and a couple of those photos Jason took of the inside of your nose.”
She says she’s done playing the Daphne to Aria’s Velma, and from now on they’ll only be hanging out in the Mystery Machine after she’s done with her homework. Aria’s like, “It’s cute that you can even conceive of a world where I’m Velma and you’re Daphne, but you watched C-Span on Saturday mornings instead of cartoons, so I’ll give you a pass.” Oh, if only Ali were still alive! She’d know what to do! Why, she’d probably have the inside track on some backdoor kegger where teenagers gather to imbibe and fornicate and submit their college applications to Ivy League admissions officers!
And of course in walks CeCe Drake, looking like an Ali and walking like an Ali and talking like an Ali and knowing of just such a woodland rager. “I wasn’t planning on going, though,” says CeCe, “but I guess I don’t have much of a choice when you’re staring at me like a pygmy tarsier.”
Over at Marin Manor, Ashley has returned from Out of Town to find the police camping out on her front porch. She’s like, “What now?” And the cop goes, “Hanna has five days to give us some of her blood, Ms. Marin, or Detective Wilden is going to come over here with a santoku knife and take it by force. Judge’s orders!”
At school, Hanna and Caleb lay eyes upon one another for the first time since he broke up with her and his mom started dressing him and he had that sizzling chemistry with Spencer that made us all wipe the dew from our lilies in absolute fright like Hanna’s Nana taught us. You know it’s going to be Hanna and Caleb before we even see Hanna and Caleb because it’s sad panda electric guitar and forlorn drums. Like, is it the full London Symphony Orchestra playing over the golden hour? That’s Ezra and Aria. Solo piano and some soulful crooning about Montague/Capulet things? That’s Toby and Spencer. The sound of someone falling down on a pair of rollerskates and knocking over some metal trash cans, a car crashing through the side of a building, glass shattering, ally cats squalling? Here comes Paige!
Anyway, Hanna and Caleb caress each other with their eyeballs, both of them relieved and surprised that “A” hasn’t killed the other one yet. Caleb hands off the new login info for Maya’s website page. “I’m glad you haven’t been bludgeoned to death with any evidence or anything,” he says. Hanna drops her eyes. “Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, you too.”
(The person singing this song in the background is Caleb in real life. Tyler Blackburn. Same hair, but probably doesn’t live inside air conditioning vents.)
As soon as Caleb walks away, Hanna gets a text from “A,” telling her to meet-up at the Rosewood Grill, or the next person to get run under with a car will be Caleb, and this time she won’t be so gentle.
In the courtyard, Hanna relays this most recent threat of mayhem to Spencer, who is still rocking back and forth clutching her UPenn application and crying silent tears of failure. Spencer makes Hanna promise not to go alone to meet “A.” She’s already lost Toby to “A”‘s machinations (because let’s be honest, “A” eats Toby Cavenaughs for a pre-breakfast wake-up snack), and she couldn’t bear to lose Hanna too. They talk about how they’ve made out with each other by proxy now (Wren, Caleb) but their gay reverie is interrupted by a couple of actual homos laughing and plaid-ing it up.