“True Blood” Recap (5.09): “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”

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This week on True Blood, not only was there little to no lesbian sexual tension, bu my baby werewolf was stolen from the arms of her grandmother. What is this show trying to do to my heart?

Vampires

We begin with a breaking news update: A True Blood factory is on fire, and the members of the Authority plus Bill and Eric watch it burn on TV while they say grace around some poor schmo who is about to be drained. So right away, we know all is going to plan, as the world slowly spirals towards civil war.

Not everyone is on board though. Molly, aka That Cute Lesbian, tries to escape, only to discover that she no longer has access to the doorways. Despite her badass leather jacket, she is “totally f–king f–ked,” just like everyone else. She and Eric plot an escape together that might involve risking their lives.

Bill f–king Compton is having a religious identity crisis, and thinks that maybe Lilith is for real even though Eric begs him to believe otherwise. Eric asks if Sookie is just food to him now, and he doesn’t really have an answer for that. Eric tells Bill his master plan for escape, which is mistake number one if you’re talking to someone who hasn’t quite decided if he’s on your side. Eric wants Bill to take Salome’s blood so that they can open the doors, and he will take Nora with them.

So to get Nora to come with them, Eric plays the I-don’t-know-what-to-believe-show-me-how-to-find-God card so that Nora feels like a hero. I really like her magenta dress! We learn that Salome let her taste the blood a while back, and that’s how she converted her to the cause. Likewise, Bill tells Salome that he’s not sure he wants to be chosen. But then they do it, and he hallucinates that she’s Sookie, and then that she’s actually Lilith covered in blood (oh hey, Jessica Clark).

So Eric injects Nora with silver and he and Molly are about to escape, since there’s no time to wait for Bill. But then Bill shows up and the elevator opens to Salome and all of the Authority guards. Eric says that he is doing this for Eric because he’s been chosen by Lilith. Sensing that he is surrounded, Eric puts his fangs away and is peacefully guided out by guards.

Meanwhile, at Fangtasia, word has spread about the bombing of the True Blood factories. Tara wants to hoard their supply for herself and Pam so that they can survive, but Pam knows that they have to keep serving it so that their vampire customers don’t eat the human ones. Also, she feels confident that everyone will just feed on humans in secret, and it will be no big deal. She tells Tara to keep her tits up. How can you not listen to everything Pam says with her cleavage looking as it does? Tara offers that she knows Pam is worried about Eric, but Pam tells her that they aren’t Oprah and Gayle just because they drank a bitch together, and she should get the f–k out. I love the comparison to Oprah and Gayle mainly because these two couldn’t be less Oprah and Gayle. Unless O and G have been drinking bitches together and I missed the memo. Maybe I should start subscribing to Oprah’s magazine.

Unfortunately, a new vampire shows up to let Pam know that the monarchs have lifted the ban on public drinking. He’s the new sheriff of Area 5, and throws Pam across the room. For a long-haired emo kid, he sure is bossy.

Everyone Else

Sookie enlists Lafayette’s help in reconnecting with Warlow, the vampire who killed her parents and to whom she’s psychically connected. Lafayette has taken to wearing a new medium outfit, turban and all, and I have to say that I’m really into it.

Initially, he has trouble accessing the spirits (I’m sensing a pattern) so he and Sookie shoot the shit about dear Tara, who hasn’t spoken to Lafayette except to text him back, “Bitch, stop texting me or I will eat you.” I’m going to have to remember that one.

Lafayette suddenly hears a cacophony of spirits in Sookie’s bedroom, including the voice of Gran. Gran’s here! Since he’s not “gmail for dead bitches,” he’s only going to channel Gran, who says that Sookie is sleeping on top of the answer. In a lovely rose-patterned box of letters and photos, Sookie finds a news clipping detailing the discovery of her parents’ bodies — by none other than Bud Dearborne!

Jessica is taken into the police station for questioning, and no one can find Hoyt. Jessica can’t feel him anymore, which might mean he’s croaked. Everyone keeps referring to the members of the Hate Club as “Obamas,” because of their Obama masks, which I think I was supposed to find funny but honestly, I can’t really laugh about referring to members of a group of people who kill minorities using the name of our first Black president.

Hey guys, my number one question regarding vampire bodily functions was finally answered this week. They DON’T poop! Thank you Jessica. Any way, she has to leave the police station because the sun’s a rising, but Jason tell her not to worry — he, apparently, has things under control. While reading the Hate Club’s super scary website, Jason comes to the startling conclusion that the members have been wearing Obama masks because they don’t want to be recognized. Sigh. They do actually discover that they are modeling themselves after the KKK, down to calling their leader The Dragon, just like their local KKK used to. And thus commences a search for The Dragon that includes beating up the guy they have in custody. So, I covered my eyes a lot.

Papi is at Sam’s house, and he begs her to go back to the hospital, but she’s way too tough for that shit. She won’t stay put, either, and goes with Sam to hunt down “those c–k suckers” who shot them. You go girl! Oh and then she calls Sam sexist for trying to make her stay home. Finally someone called him out on it.

So Sookie goes to Bud’s house by herself to ask him about finding her parents, because no one on TV has learned to not go places by themselves. He confirms that her parents were killed by vampires, but at the time they assumed that gators got to the bodies. He says some really offensive things about Gran, telling Sookie that she was killed by vampires because Sookie’s relationship to Bill caused Renee to hate her. Sookie tries to read his mind, AND THEN Bud’s side piece shows up and hits her over the head with a frying pan.

Meanwhile, at the police station, Andy is talking to reporters who ask intelligent questions such as, “Is it true that Barack Obama is behind the recently unsolved shootings and the kidnapping of a local vampire?” Sigh. Eye roll. Are people in Bon Temps just generally dumber than the rest of the world?

Sam and Papi arrive at the police station to tell Andy that they smelled pig shit tracked in on shoes at the scene of the crime. After seeing Luna skin walk, Andy doesn’t want them around the police station. Is that… species-ist? Luckily they can become flies and eavesdrop on everything. Wait but what if someone swats them? That was always my number one fear as a dorky kid reading the Animorphs.

Sookie wakes up with her hands tied in a pig pen. Those shifters have such a keen sense of smell! Hoyt is passed out in the corner, and based on his trippy thoughts, Sookie deduces that he’s high as a kite as opposed to dead. He looks pretty dead to me but what do I know?

While watching the video on the Hate Club website, Andy and Jason recognize Bud’s boots on one of the Obama mask wearers. They aren’t bad cops after all! Off to Bud’s house for some answers.

Unfortunately, they don’t get there before Bud and his side-piece, Sweetie — who is the actual Dragon — force Sookie to drink ginger ale with Oxycontin in it. Personally, if I was kidnapped and potentially fed to pigs, I think I would love the opportunity to drink some Oxycontin. Way to numb the pain. Sweetie’s husband left her for a shifter, which is supposed to explain why she hates all supes in general. But based on her short red Japanese-style robe, I’m going to go ahead and say that maybe she’s just a crazy person.

The cops arrive at Bud’s house, but it’s empty. Jason gazes at a picture of Bud’s wife, who was his sixth grade teacher, and reminisces about taking naps on her lap. I feel like she’ll become a thing soon.

Sweetie and Bud put their masks on while videotaping (always a bad idea) and open the pig pen so that the pigs can eat Sookie and Hoyt. Wait, you guys, do pigs, like, eat people? Luckily, when they toss Sookie into the pig pile, one of the pigs turns into naked Sam who beats everyone up. I still hate Sam for being the save-the-day sorta guy, but I was happy to see him. The cops show up, and Andy tells Bud to drop his weapon (a shovel). But Bud cries, “humans rule!” and charges Sam, so Andy shoots him.

Papi chases after Sweetie and — naked — punches her in the face a bunch of times. It was pretty sexy.

But then Papi and Sam go to get Emma, now that the danger is over, and something terrible happens. Russell Edgington and Steve go to the werewolves to give them some vampire blood and welcome the new pack master. There’s some talk about how Steve has never had a pet, and so when Emma’s grandmother refuses to drink his blood, Russell removes Emma from her arms and gives her to Steve as a pet. I am so horrified I don’t even know what to do with myself. She is the one pure creature in the entire South so I guess I should have known that something bad would happen to her. JD tries to stop them but Russell pretty much squeezes his throat in.

Alcide is nowhere to be found because earlier in the episode, he puts on his favorite band, The Wallflowers, and drives to Jackson to visit his dad, who is a lone gambling wolf. As my girlfriend put it, Alcide really looks like a guy who needs to blast The Wallflowers right now.

Oh also — at some point in this episode Terry killed his Army buddy and the women he murdered appears to tell him that blood has been shed in exchange for blood. And so that whole subplot is neatly wrapped up. Thank goddess.

The fairies show up to Sookie’s place to take care of her. They brought her soup! I want soup. They tell her that vampires are the ones blowing up True Blood factories, and she makes a face like she hadn’t realized that yet.

It looks like next week, Pam and Tara prepare to run away together, Bill might kill Eric, vampires seek fairy blood, and Lilith wraps her arms around Godric. Can’t wait!

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