“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 304 — “Scissor Sisters”

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Last episode we learned that everyone hates each other. One of Hunter Valentine’s tour legs looked like it could have ended up as a main attraction on Pay Per View, and a scene at Here Lounge involving the entire Los Angeles cast minus Cory and Kaci turned into Lord of the Flies. As this season progresses the cast will only become more incestuous, and more alliances and conflicts will come to light – so here are a couple of charts to get you started.

First, the Real L Word: Season 3 incest chart.

And now, the Real L Word: Season 3 beef chart.

Scabies! Repulsion! Heartache! As you can see, love is a battlefield.

Also in the last episode Romi continued to make no sense whatsoever while recounting her dating history. You might have blocked out the previous seasons as a defense mechanism, but in Season 2, Episode 6, she told us that she was once married to a man that she met at church. We even saw a photo of her wearing her wedding dress – and tragic bangs.

Then in episode 1 of this season, Whitney told us that when she met Romi, Romi was with Jay and that there have been other guys in her past. Finally, in the last episode, Romi told her mother that she had not been with a guy in eight years and that her only experience dating guys was Jay. But Whitney and Romi had started dating shortly before the first episode in Season 1, which was shot less than three years ago.

The only way this timeline makes any sense is if Jay is Romi’s ex husband, Whitney and Romi started hanging out eight years ago but didn’t start dating until 2010, and all the other guys Romi was supposedly with were simply creations of West Hollywood gossipmongers. This scenario would be improbable but not implausible – except that eight years ago Whitney was living three thousand miles away in New York City.

WHAT THE FRACKING FRACK IS GOING ON HERE?

The answer: Romi is a cylon.

No, stop it. I’m not crazy. Since you are reading AfterEllen.com there is a good chance that you watched Battlestar Galactica. As you recall, in addition to the big ugly robot looking cylons, there were also thirteen different attractive humanoid cylon models played by the likes of Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. Several clones of each human model were built, and each copy was capable of human feelings and had different life experiences. Oh, and their goal was to destroy humanity.


All look same! And we’re coming to kill you, LOL!

I am proposing that there is a 14th cylon model that has infiltrated the Real L Word. Jay’s ex Carla is one of them, and there are at least three different Romis. I direct your attention to Exhibit A below.

Exhibit A:

And you thought I was making things up. Believe me now? So the four replicas of Cylon 14 we have identified so far are:

– Carla, Jay’s ex;
– Romi One, who married a guy from her church;
– Romi Two, who dated her only boyfriend in her life, Jay, eight years ago and is dating him again; and
– Romi Three, who dated Jay three years ago when she met Whitney, also dated a few other guys prior to meeting her and is also currently dating Jay.

As we have seen, Jay seems to have a thing for ladies who look alike, so I wouldn’t past him to be simultaneously dating both Romi Two and Romi Three. He probably can’t tell them apart. At least his penis can’t.

Listen I don’t care if Romi considers herself gay, bi or whether she thinks her sexuality transcends the Kinsey Scale. Stop bickering about the little things. There are greater concerns here. There are cylons running around, so we are all doomed.

The other explanation would be that Romi is simply just out of her mind, but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, even if it puts the future of the human race in jeopardy.

And now we will dive in face first into the unruly Amazonian bush that is this Episode 4. I’ve brought the weed wacker, and I will be your guide.

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