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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 303 – “Love Lost”

Welcome to the third episode of The Real L Word, Season 3, a reality show about tattooed lesbians with funky haircuts living in big cities, although much of what you see may not actually be real.

Let’s talk about this for a second. Immediately after I turned in the recap of Episode two last week I received a phone call from my friend, who we shall call “Sandy.” Sandy never calls me, so it must have been important.

Sandy:  Hey I need to talk to you about something.

Me: What is it?

Sandy: It’s about The Real L Word.

Silly me, and I thought it was going to be an important phone call.

Sandy:  Well one of my dear friends, Britenelle, hung out with Amanda for a bit during the time The Real L Word was filming. In one scene in Episode two, which she just had the opportunity to see, the editors cut to a shot of Amanda’s closed door and then dubbed in noises of someone else having sex, so it looks like she had sex with Amanda while Lauren was in the other room. She didn’t. Britinelle actually passed out on the couch that night. That scene was made up.

Me: What? I already turned in the recap, and since I wasn’t there, I can only post what I see and hear and make conclusions based on my observations. I’m sure half the show is exaggerated for dramatic effect, and some of it is completely fabricated. I think audiences are bright enough to realize that.

So if you weren’t bright enough before, now you are. And so, with a grain of salt (or many grains lining the rim of your margarita glass) and a healthy dose of skepticism, let’s jump into the unhygienic creamed corn filled kiddie pool that is the rest of the season!

Previously on The Real L Word, Cori and Kacy, the token “normal ones” on this show, learned that they will be having a baby girl, who they named Charlie Monroe.

Amanda moved to Los Angeles, and Lauren was excited that she will have a friend with benefits under her roof. Instead, Amanda decided to remodel Lauren’s house and start flirting with Britenelle, and then we were treated to loud sex noises allegedly coming from Amanda’s room, even though you didn’t see any actual hooking up. Lauren was visibly upset, but that could have been from food poisoning that took place months later and was edited in. You never know!

Hunter Valentine’s tour hit a snag when Somer’s keyboard malfunctioned, and she didn’t have the money to fix it. While Laura said she considers the band to be “family,” it must be the type of family where no allowances are given out and you have to buy your own school supplies from the loose change you get panhandling on the street.

Kelsey discovered that Romi had gotten back together with Jay, which she found “repulsive,” and Romi and Sara — formerly friends — now find each other repulsive, due to Sara’s relationship with Whitney.

Finally, Whitney proposed to Sara at a spiritual healing ceremony whilst surrounded by equally tattooed friends in equally funny hats.

The episode opens with newly engaged Whitney and Sara curled up on the bed with a couple of furry hitchhikers. Fortunately, the editors had the foresight to point out who is who by zooming in with the camera and posting subtitles, as they look like a tangled mess of tattoos having an orgy. You don’t know where one ends and the other one begins. Just to be clear, the one on the left is Whitney, and the one on the right is Sara. Aren’t they cute?

Meanwhile, Hunter Valentine is on its way to SXSW, but Somer’s keyboard is still broken. Kiyomi, the most compassionate human being on the show, blurts out, “This is the most important part of the tour, so Somer has to get her keyboard f–king fixed.” As stated previously, the rest of the band has informed her she is on her own in terms of financials, so Somer takes matter into her own hands. Somer cracks open her keyboard herself and pokes around its innards with with a screwdriver while Kiyomi continues to yell at her from the other room, and a few minutes later, a miracle! Her keyboard is working!

Kiyomi and Vero are horsing around, pasting temporary tattoos on each other, oblivious to the fact that Somer just saved the day — and $400 in repair fees.

So Somer decides to make them aware of it. “You know that time I saved the band, like, $400 in repairs!” she yells.

“She was going to have to pay for it anyway,” whispers Kiyomi to Vero.

What a happy, loving family.

Back in LA, Romi takes Rose to get her hair did.

“I better not look like a bleached chola with roots,” says Rose, when her phone rings. It is Ruby, otherwise known as the third white chick with dreads to grace our screens in episode two. Ruby has exciting news.

“Frickin’ Whit and Sara got engaged,” says Ruby, laughing.

“I wish them a long and happy marriage,” says Rose, trying not to laugh.

And this is Romi’s response, which needs no commentary.

“Do I think that they’ll make it?”” ponders Romi. “I don’t know. But I don’t think anyone needs to go through dating Whitney again, and I don’t think anyone wants to go through dating Sara again. So, I pray that they stay together, forever, ’til death do them part.”

Across town, things are not so rosy. In fact, things are so sad that I can’t even say anything to make this portion any less heartbreaking. Cori and Kacy are clearing out Charlie’s room and placing her clothes away. Cori had gone into preterm labor, and the doctors were unable to save the baby. Before Charlie was taken away, Cori and Kacy were able to hold her and see her take a breath. I can’t even imagine how it is to go through something so devastating, much less in the public eye. May our hearts go out to them.

As Hunter Valentine pulls up to their hotel in Austin for SXSW, Somer and Kiyomi get into a fight over whether to haul the amps up to the practice room.  The minor disagreement blows up into a full on catfight within seconds.

“I don’t know why you have to be so difficult!” says Kiyomi.

“I don’t know why you have to be such a bitch all the time,” says Somer.

“I’M NOT A BITCH! BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HEAR YOUR F–KIN’ TONE AND I RESPOND WITH THE SAME TONE AND THEN YOU’RE CONSTANTLY RUDE…” yells Kiyomi.

“You always talk like this to everyone!” says Somer.

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do!”

“No I don’t!”

“Why do you think everyone calls you the dictator?”

This excruciating back and forth goes on for another full minute. And then…

Kiyomi tells Somer that she has a “self entitled little pissy shit attitude” and storms off, waving her right hand around like the love child of Miss America and a ghetto drag queen.

As she continues swatting around imaginary flies with her hand, she tells the rest of the band, “I’m done! I’m f–kin’ done with her!”

Then she starts mouthing off to Laura about Somer.

In an act of mercy, the editors cut away to Los Angeles, where Lauren and Amanda are dismantling the soggy, dogpoop smeared mattress that Lauren may or may not have purposely left outside so that Amanda would have to sleep in the same bed with her. They decide to take the fabric off, take it apart and construct a “pod,” which people can use to hook up outside. The “pod”: The Real L Word‘s version of Jersey Shore‘s “smush room.”

“Is Britenelle going to be taking a turn in the pod?” asks Lauren.

“No,” responds Amanda. “She’s not going to be coming around anymore.”

Amanda tells us that Lauren definitely scared Britenelle off. “Like even the energy when they were in the same room together was like, ‘Woof!'” explains Amanda.

I guess “woof” means exactly the opposite in the lesbian world as it means in the gay world.

Lauren tells Amanda that is makes no sense for Amanda to get into a romantic situation with someone else when both she and Amanda are single at the same time. This just code for, “I’m horny. You’re here. Let’s shag already.” While Amanda says she finds it annoying that Lauren scared Britenelle off, there isn’t any point in upsetting Lauren, so she decides not the say anything. I guess Lauren wears the pants in this situation.

And then it’s back to our favorite family on television: The Shady Bunch Hunter Valentine!

Kiyomi calls her manager in an attempt to deescalate the tension, and Vero tries to calm Somer down.

“This cannot continue, because it’s just getting to the point where everyone is just getting fed up with one another,” Vero tells Somer.

Kiyomi walks up to Somer and Vero, and Vero tries to broker peace talks.

Kiyomi interrupts her. “I don’t really care about this love fest right now. All I care about is the shows,” says Kiyomi. “I don’t care if you call me the dictator. I have a job to do.”

Vero tells her the dictator thing was a joke, but then Kiyomi lays into Somer again, and Vero is left looking like she stepped into a group of brawling kindergarteners, which isn’t very far from the truth.

Back to Los Angeles. Romi is in her car on the phone with Jay, and Romi tells him she wants to see him more.

“Get a dog,” he responds.

Meanwhile, Amanda and Lauren roll into Here Lounge, where they proceed to have a few drinks and make out. Then, even as  her brain is being drowned by a deluge of alcohol, a small synapse starts gasping and begins to fire in Amanda’s head, and she manages to say something that makes sense.

“NO!” says Amanda. “It is a horrible idea to hook up with your roommate!”

At this point, Amanda is saved by the bell as Whitney, Sara, and Ruby magically appear out of nowhere and sit down next to them.

Whitney comments on Amanda and Lauren’s “friends with benefits” situation. “If you’re hooking up, someone’s going to catch feelings. If I had to put money on it, I’d say Lauren has an eye for Amanda.”

Amanda asks whether Whitney and Sara would have a threesome, and Whitney responds that she wouldn’t. Amanda says that the reason why she and Lauren have threesomes is because “they are best friends.” And it looks like her common sense synapse is asleep again.

Whitney tells the camera, “Like I think, [Sara and I] slightly just got propositioned to a threesome.”

“Yeah, that kind of happened,” agrees Sara.

“Well, I’d want to bone us,” notes Whitney.

Then, as if on cue, guess who else rolls into Here Lounge? Romi and Rose.

“Oh wait, there’s Romi,” says Lauren, who couldn’t be less excited. As you recall from Episode 1, Lauren and Kelsey hooked up for a brief period after Romi and Kelsey broke up, so Romi and Lauren — according to an unspoken lesbian code — have “beef.”

“Romi walked in and I felt the energy kind of shifted. There was a weird tension in the air,” says Whitney.

Whitney then tells Lauren the millions of reasons why Romi would “hate on her,” such as being pretty, being the new girl in LA, being pretty and a new girl in LA, and so on and so forth.

Rose looks over at Whitney and Lauren’s table and concludes that shit is being talked.

Oh it’s on. Gurl, it is on.

At SXSW, Kiyomi and Ali are having a spat over the phone before Hunter Valentine’s first show. If this were such an important make-it-or-break-it show, the last thing I’d do is call my needy not-a-girlfriend beforehand. I’d turn it off, give it to my tour manager, and instruct her not to give it back to me until after the show. But Kiyomi would rather live on the edge and wade into more drama, because rockers are edgy like that.

“Are you upset?” asks Kiyomi.

“No,” deadpans Ali. “I feel nothing.”

Ali is dead inside. Maybe the zombie moths that ate Kiyomi’s shirt also ate Ali’s brain. Perhaps this is why she continues to hang onto the fantasy that Kiyomi will one day fulfill her emotional needs.

“You said you’d call me so many hours ago,” complains Ali, and then Kiyomi loses it, telling her that she just arrived in Austin and that she got into a fight with Somer, who is “pretty much out of the band.”

“What do you f–kin’ want from me?” she asks. But then it is time for the show, and Kiyomi hangs up on her.

It turns out a snafu in scheduling caused the band to take the stage an hour late for the show, so they end up only playing four songs. The built up aggression over the course of the day actually helps the band play an energetic show, and both Somer and Kiyomi are happy with the results. Who knew.

Back at Here Lounge in WeHo Amanda and Lauren go to the bar to get a drink, when they realize that Romi and Rose are standing next to them. Lamanda and RoRo pretend not to see one another. The mutual silent treatment continues to drag on interminably, but instead of talking it out like reasonable people, the parties decide to act like normal lesbians and talk behind each other’s backs to a third party, except the third party isn’t a BFF or confidante, it’s the entire country. This is the upside of being on a reality show — you get to air out your grievances about others to millions of people. Score!

“I know who you are,” says Romi about Lamanda. “If I wanted to meet you I’d walk over and introduce myself. I don’t want to meet you.”

“How can you be content in being a lesbian and then, ‘Oh I want to put a dick in my mouth’?” asks Amanda about Romi.

“It’s because she’s not really gay,” says Lauren.

“Ok,” says Amanda, looking confused. Someone should define the word “bisexual” to her. More on Romi’s sexuality later.

Whitney, Sara, Lauren, Amanda and Ruby decide that the venue has turned into the cafeteria in Mean Girls and decide to hit the dance floor.

And then, as if things couldn’t get more ridiculous and uncomfortable, Kelsey walks into the room and breezes by Romi, not saying a word.

“Oh, it never ends!” exclaims Romi.

Romi has reached her boiling point and chases after Kelsey.

“Why’d you come here and walk away like that?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” responds the ever-wooden and dispassionate Kelsey.

“Why? Why’d you come?” asks Romi, as if a gay chick has a plethora of viable choices to go frequent on any given night. (Hint: we don’t.)

“Because I never go out,” deadpans Kelsey.

“Do you know what I’m dealing with tonight? Do you know what I’m f–king dealing with tonight? Do you know?” screams Romi.

“No…” says Kelsey.

“I can’t f–king come out because of all your f–king girls. I’ve got Lauren and her girlfriend. I’ve got Sara being mean. I’ve got Whitney being mean. I’ve got everyone being mean to me, and I’m trying to have a good time and hold myself together, and you have to show up and do this,” wails Romi.

“What do you want me to do, disappear?” asks Kelsey, visibly confused.

And then the inexplicable happens. Instead of walking away and doing a wooden marionette version of Kiyomi’s diva fly swat move, Kelsey embraces Romi, and then utters the fateful three words. No, not “Are you crazy?” or “Step off, aight?” or, appropriately, “Is this real?”

“I love you.”

COME AGAIN? Tell us this is just another one of the Magical Elves’ magic tricks. Are we all suffering from a collective delusion? Did we accidentally butt-tap our remote controls and end up on a David Lynch marathon on Cinemax? Has the world gone mad?

Back at Cori and Kacy’s house, the two ponder how to break the sad news to their social circle. Rather than having to relive the tragedy over and over again, they decide to tell Whitney and Alyssa in person and ask the two to disseminate the news.

Then Kiyomi and Laura discuss Somer’s future in the band, and as this conversation is neither original or interesting, I’m just going to point out that the clambake on the table looks delicious.

Finally, Romi sits Jay down and tells him she isn’t getting what she wants out of the relationship and that she wishes he would put in more effort. Jay laughs everything off and adds, “You’re still calling yourself a lesbian all the time. It makes it a little weird to be a relationship with you. You’re not a lesbian. When you date a boy, you become ‘not a lesbian.’ You become a heterosexual or a bisexual.”

Well he has a point.

And then, Whitney and Sara sit down to break the happy news of their engagement to Whitney’s mother over Skype. “I think my mother is going to be very excited for us,” says Whitney.

Instead, this is Momma Mixter’s response.

Just in case her mother misunderstood her, Whitney exclaims again, “I’m engaged!!!” See, if you say your message louder, it increases your chances of getting your point across.

Not.

Momma Mixter starts stuttering, and it looks like her internal monologue starts to come out of her mouth: “We’ll see if it…” but before she says the word “lasts,” she decides to hide her skepticism by saying, “It’s strange!” Nice save, Momma Mixter. Not really, but A for effort.

And next Romi processes about her sexuality to her mom.

“You stopped being with men, how many years ago?” asks her mom.

“I dunno, like seven or eight years ago,” says Romi.

Hold up. Wait a minute. Didn’t Whitney say that Romi was with Jay when she met her? How long ago was that? The timelines depicted in this series defy all reason. Is there a 1981 DeLorean on set?

Romi then tells her mom that when her dad died, she decided to run to what she felt was familiar, what felt like home, and what was familiar was her mom’s relationship with her partner. While she was definitely attracted to women, she shut out any opportunities with men during this period. She also tells her mom that Jay is the only guy experience she has ever had.

“I want healthy relationships with men in my life, but I don’t get them. I don’t understand them,” says Romi. You’re not supposed to. That’s where the term “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” comes from.

Her mom tells us what we all know.

“You’re figuring it out. You don’t have to have all the answers tonight,” she tells Romi.

Some people just take a little longer to figure it out than others. But that’s ok. We’re all special in our own little way.

Then Whitney and Alyssa arrive at Cori and Kacy’s house to hear the news of the loss of Charlie.

Cori and Kacy ask the two to help them tell others about Charlie. Alyssa tells Cori and Kacy that her mom had a set of twins that she lost at six months, and then she ended up having Alyssa and her brother and not to be discouraged.

“We want to still be parents,” Kacy says. “We are parents. We have a daughter. She is my first. She will always be my first. But we are going to try again.”

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Amanda is Skyping with her friend in New York. She confesses that she still has feelings for her ex in New York, but she is afraid to tell Lauren, especially after the Brittenelle episode. Tell me again, aren’t you supposed to be able to tell your best friend everything? Not step on eggshells around her? Isn’t that what a best friend is? Why would a buddybe bothered about feelings for another girl? Earth to Amanda. In the words of Swami Mixter, “I’d say Lauren has an eye for [you].”

Lauren enters the room, and Amanda tells her she is homesick. Lauren suggest that they both visit New York, and Amanda brightens up.

The episode grinds to a close with Romi telling us that she is unhappy in her relationship with Jay. She dials a number and plaintively asks, “Will you come over?” There is a knock at the door. And it isn’t Jay. It is Kelsey bearing a bouquet of flowers. Does life just favor the needy and histrionic? Because this shit isn’t fair. No, I’m not bitter. I’m not bitter at all. Well, the squeaky wheel gets the lube, I suppose.

Then Kelsey changes into something way more comfortable, a c–k and harness, and she spends the rest of the episode on top of her squeaky wheel, getting her to squeak even louder.

And finally, mercifully, the episode ends, but not without a final “bang your head on the nearest hard surface” moment.

Ladies, I know you have feelings. Go to town!

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