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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.07) — Codename: Crazy

If you spent last week looking for my Pretty Little Liars recap, I’ll bet you felt confused and betrayed, huh? All those clues led you to believe it’d be here shortly, but it never showed up. I wanted you to know what it feels like to be an Emily Fields in real life, is all. Just kidding! I had some medical complications last week that kept me in a Vicodin coma for nearly six full days. I’m sorry I didn’t get around to recapping “Remains of the ‘A.'” Not only because I missed your commentary, but also because it was a Norman Buckley-directed episode, which means it was gorgeous, and I like to talk about that. But I did make a photo recap of the episode so we can get caught up together.

(Click on the magnifying glass to enter the full-size lightbox to scroll through the photos.)

Now, onto “Crazy!”

Ashley Marin has taken her first trip to Out of Town this season, probably to get some toner for her fax machine and also to rob some little old ladies – but on the phone in the light of day with no zombies or flashbacks in sight, Hanna’s feeling pretty good. She chats merrily with her mom on the phone, assuring her that no dead teenage girls have been found in her absence, no therapists have been buried alive. But the day’s forecast goes from Sunny to Mostly Cloudy With A Chance Of Doom when Detective Snape comes a-knockin. The blood on that anklet was not Garrett’s, but it was O-negative – same as Hanna’s – so he wants her to come on down to the courthouse and give up a blood sample.

During their morning debrief, Hanna presents this new conundrum to the Liars. She’s afraid her blood might be on that anklet because “A” is always doing evidence voodoo behind their backs, but Aria goes, “Come on, Han. It’s not like ‘A’ could siphon off your plasma without you knowing.” But Hanna’s like, “Let me introduce you to a little thing called Adrenalized hyper-fucking-reality, Aria. Case in point: Emily Fields, right here. She disappeared for two hours one night and woke up in 1954 without an inkling about how she got there. I mean, maybe she took a ride with Jenna, or your kung fu hobbit buddy with the shrinking heart, or maybe she even robbed Ali’s grave. And girl doesn’t remember a damn thing.”

Frustrated by the fact that the Liars still won’t acknowledge that “A” is literally capable of all the things, Hanna bounces.

There is a surprise waiting for the Liars at Rear Window and that surprise is Alison DiLaurentis’ doppelganger, CeCe Drake or the Cape May Drakes. Aria goes, “Excuse me, stranger, but has anyone ever mentioned you look just like the dead girl that keeps dying in this town like Groundhog Day?” CeCe Drake gives Aria an up-down, sniffs, says, “Unicorn-skin boots, inside-out jeans, vintage coffee can as a purse, literal pixie dust as perfume. You must be Aria Montgomery.” She introduces herself as Ali’s long lost friend, the one with whom she shared that “intense” summer before she was killed, and presumably also the one she abandoned Spencer for in last week’s flashback. Apparently she’s working at a new boutique in town, and the Liars are free to shoplift there any old time they want. “It’s the friend-of-a-friend five-finger discount,” CeCe says, winking and whisking herself out the door.

Aria’s like, “I mean, even their posture and mannerisms are the same.” Emily agrees. “I got the feeling from her that I sometimes got from Ali, that she was looking straight through my shirt and perving on my tits.”

Rosewood High. Aria breezes into her mother’s class, but pulls up short when she sees a cocktail dress on display. Ella explains that she’s got a date, some fellow she met on that sex offenders database Rosewood uses as a dating website. She thinks of asking Aria for some fashion advice, but then remember that she’s Aria, so she smiles sweetly and tells her to scram.

Out in front of the school, in plain view of the hundreds of students that are whizzing to and fro on their way to class, Spencer is constructing an elaborate 3D Matrix of Ali’s whole entire world. Like, yearbook pictures, Facebook posts, candid shots taken with a telephoto lens, polaroids from childhood vacations, newspaper clippings, a grainy photo of Ali the fetus inside her mother’s womb. Lines criss-crossing willy-nilly, connecting photos to events and events to A’s lair. Maps of Hilton Head, Philadelphia, the airfield where she used to take flying lessons, and now Cape May. You want to know what it would look like if Christopher Langan was a stalker? Just like this.

Toby slides up next to her and goes, “Maybe I should become a suspect in Ali’s murder again. Maybe then you’d pay some attention to me.” Probably, actually. Sorry, little Boo.

Nate’s still in play, I guess, trolling all over town collecting every bit of information he can about that social-est of social butterflies, Maya St. Germain. Today’s surprising relationship tidbit: When Maya was alive, sometimes she and Jenna liked to hang out after school, ride around town, share an ice cream cone, shop for snow globes. Emily is like, “Look, go out with her if you want, but you should know that all of her senses operate at like eleven. If she smells fear on you, she will kill you with a single deathblow to the neck.”

Aria walks Hanna home from school to try to calm her down about how Detective Snape is petitioning for a court order for her blood, but there’s nothing comforting about the Ouija Board sitting on Hanna’s kitchen counter when they walk in the door. Hanna lunges for the planchette despite Aria’s most ardent protests and is rewarded with a gouged finger because of course “A” has wrapped the thing up in rusty barbed wire. And a note: “See how easy it is for me to get your blood?” Hanna flips out, zooms around the room rattling every door and window trying to figure out if “A” forced her way in or if she has a key.

Aria’s like, “Calm down, Hanna. What’s the big deal? So your pen pal “A” wants to play a board game with you. Sounds like fun!” Hanna explains the shit show of their very existence to her for like the billionth time and also reveals that the Ouija planchette is the thing she buried with Ali because she is a worse gift giver than Nate St. Gerfraudstalker. And then, a flashback:

Mona and Hanna are playing Ouija in the dark in a thunderstorm, which honestly is probably Mona’s idea of a really romantic afternoon. Hanna wants to know if no-knob Sean is still a virgin, but Mona shoots down that inquiry because duh. She’s like, “Maybe instead we can ask it about whether or not your best friend Alison has indeed been the victim of a heinous murder, or is simply enjoying a leisurely flight around the world a la Amelia Earhart. She took flying lessons, you know.” They ask what the deal is with Ali, and the board spells out A-L-I-V-E. As if that wasn’t creepy enough, thunder cracks and lightning smacks and Alison is standing on Hanna’s back porch, staring in with that face she has.

I’ve never screamed while watching TV before, but when I saw this preview clip last week, I yelped and jumped up from my computer.

Aria snaps Hanna out of her reverie by accusing Mona of already being “A” by then, and just dicking around with Hanna. But also she realizes Hanna and Mona are the only people who knew about this Ouija thing, so they need to road trip it up to the asylum and ask who else she told so they can narrow down their suspects. Aria is doing the full Gryffindor today, I’m telling you. She says she’ll scale the wall at Radley she has to, because she’s sick and damn tired of watching her friends get tortured.

Spencer’s still working on her One Stalker Map to Rule Them All when Jason jogs by in an angry huff. When Spencer stops to ask what’s wrong, he goes, “Well, I guess I just can’t do anything right in my dad’s eyes. After the anklet debacle, he’s decided to fly to Rosewood and look for clues by himself!” Spencer goes, “Well, if he finds anything you don’t like, I’ve got about a 70 percent success rate of destroying evidence, so just let me know. Usually it ends up as ash. Sometimes it ends up at a church rummage sale, but that’s pretty rare.” Jason thanks her and also confirms that he did have a relationship with CeCe Drake one summer. An intense relationship, one supposes, due to the very nature of CeCe’s person.

Nate drags Emily to CeCe’s boutique to buy a first date gift for Jenna. She notices that Emily’s not really feeling the gift-giving, so she assumes Emily’s into Nate. Emily’s like, “No, girl. It’s not even like that. He’s my dead lover’s cousin and I’m just worried about his safety because I one time blinded the girl he’s going out with and she grew a brand new pair of eyeballs. Something ain’t right about that, you know?” CeCe regognizes her then as Emily, the girl who was madly in love with Alison. Emily’s like, “Well, ‘madly’ is a bit much, but yeah, we watched Beyonce music videos together and I’ve kissed her ghost at least twice now.”

Nate interrupts their girl-talk to point out a pair of earrings Maya used to own. Indeed, they were a gift from Emily which she bestowed upon her beloved one week before her death, which means Nate saw her verrrrry near the time she died because his story about seeing the earrings in a photo smacks of stupidity. He tries to cover up his murder confession by hitting on Emily. “Too bad you don’t like wangs, or I could be taking you out tonight instead of Jenna.” Emily throws up on his shoes.

Ella shows up early for her date at Rear Window and gets her flirt on with the barista who suddenly looks shockingly like Leo from Charmed. Just when things are starting to get good, Ella’s date shows up, and her date is Pastor Ted, and now he’s a full suspect too, because why is he trying to date every Liar mom in town? At best, Ella and Ashley are both nine levels out of his league. At worst, he is also a murderer of Alison DiLaurentis. He takes her to the park and tries to charm her with talk of his worldwide travel exploits, same as he did with Ashley. By the end of it, Ella wants a bottle of wine more than even Ashley did, which, as you know, is saying something.

Radley Sanitorium. Before the nurse will allow Aria in to see Mona, she makes her strip down out of all her animal fang accessories. Two hours later, she is admitted to the visiting room where Mona is somehow still looking gorgeous in her grandma’s cardigan. She offers Aria a chair at her table and asks her if she wants to play a game. The answer to which question is always yes. Even if it results in your death, for a moment you had the glory of being played by Mona Vanderwaal. I’d let her hit me with a car for a single round of checkers.

At an outdoor cafe, Spencer is still doing her map when Hanna wanders up and asks if her mom got that court order for her blood blocked. Spencer is like, “You can’t get a court order blocked in an afternoon. Only arrest warrants, search and seizure certificates, and shovel violations get issued that fast.” But she assures her that “trying” is the same as “succeeding” when your last name is Hastings. Hanna sees Allison’s dad emerge from Jason’s car just over Spencer’s shoulder, so she slinks down in her chair and covers her face with a menu.

At Rear Window, Emily is trying to explain to Nate the marvel that is Jenna Marshall, but what words are powerful enough? Raped her brother, yes. Victim of a horrific attack in which her eyelids caught fire, sure. Maybe saved Emily’s life, maybe still holds the answer to Page Five of the autopsy report. Aria’s brother once stole her crafts. She owns a gun. Oh, also she dated the guy who is now in jail for the death of Maya. Nate goes, “Whoa! She could have been his next victim!” Emily is like, “Probably the other way around, to be honest, but OK.”

Hanna decides to bite the bullet and talk to Ali’s dad. She strides right up to him on the street and goes, “Mr. DiLaurentis, I am sorry about that horrible thing I did that has never been mentioned on this show before, but I want you to know it has always haunted me due to its tragical effects on you and your family.” He glowers at her for a minute, finally says, “Not forgiven!” Then he turns on his heel and marches away.

At Radley, Mona is teaching Aria how to build a card house/stay alive, but Aria grows impatient, so she invokes the name of Hanna Marin, hoping to get some kind of coherent answer from Mona about the Ouija thing. Mona sends her nurse away for some meds, hisses, “You have 25 seconds to tell me what the hell is happening to Hanna. 25, 24, 23 …” Aria explains about how all of the shoddy prezzies they buried with Ali are being returned to them one-by-one.” She whisper violently, “I swear, Mona, if you are still trying to hurt Hanna…” Mona whispers back, just as aggressively, “You’ll never love Hanna like I love Hanna. It’s not me.” Then visiting hours are over.

Hanna meets Aria outside of Radley and they immediately decide to break back into the asylum to question Mona without a nurse nosing around. Aria goes, “She said she was sorry, if that’s any consolation. It kind of makes me wonder if she’s really behind any of those shitty things that keep happening to y’all.”

Emily runs into CeCe in the town square, and they get their flirt on something fierce. CeCe’s tries to make small talk about Nate, but Emily’s as bored of him as I am. She yawns. CeCe yawns. They giggle. Apropos of nothing, CeCe goes, “Hey, that reminds me, let me get your number.” Emily, who has still never seen an episode of her own show, willingly hands over her phone to a stranger. CeCe does get her number, and also CeCe calls Jenna and threatens to gouge out her eyeballs if she goes anywhere near “her boyfriend” Nate again. When she hangs up, Emily is like, “Dude, that girl was literally blind for years.” CeCe’s like, “LOL, that makes it even funnier.”

Back at Radley, Mona is super stoked to see Hanna again, but her joy is short lived when Aria joins her for an interrogation. She’s like, “OK, sure, I’ll be happy to tell you all about that Ouija trinket so long as you don’t mind me telling Aria about that horrible thing you did that one time that Ali’s dad has never forgive you for.” Hanna decides to spill the secret herself, and she and Aria fall into a flashback like Harry Potter falling into Dumbledore’s Pensieve. Like him, they land with a thunk.

It’s a couple of years ago, and Mona and Hana are strolling down the sidewalk hand in hand. Mona wants to think of new ways to call people whores without them knowing, so she works out a code where she says a phrase and all Hanna has to do is shake out the first letter of each word. “She Lives Under Trees. SLUT. Got it?” But Hanna is distracted by Mr. DiLaurentis galloping toward her on a war horse without a jousting stick in his hand. “You did a horrible thing,” he shouts, “and I will never forgive you for it!” The horrible thing, obviously, was that when Hanna saw Allison on her back porch during the witchcraft storm, she called and told Mrs. DiLaurentis. Three days later, Ali’s body showed up.

When Hanna and Aria hop out of the Pensieve, Mona has escaped.

They find her down in an old-fashioned children’s ward with porcelain-faced dolls and electrocution racks and stuff. She’s just brushing the dolls’ hair and smiling wanly. Hanna starts grabbing shit and throwing it around, but Mona keeps her composure, repeating three phrases over and over: “Miss Aria, You’re a Killer, Not Ezra’s Wife.” And: “Where were we? Maya’s Away, Sleeping Sweet. Until Garrett’s All Rosy, Count On Me.” And: “No One To Save Ali From Evil.” This writing and acting and directing and costume design and set design and sound design and editing and all the things is just fantastic. I mean, it’s a full day later and I’ve still got chills running up and down my spine just thinking about it.

The nurses come and drag her away and if you have keen gay-vision, you might have noticed that one of them was Julie Goldman.

After their creepy-ass day of dolls and bewitched board games, Aria and Hanna hunker down in a cuddle pile and try to think about anything besides getting murdered. Luckily, they’re distracted by a call from Ella, who tells them she’s on her second date of the night, this time with the purveyor of Rosewood’s second culinary establishment, Rear Window Brew, and he’s got pastries. Aria wants to know what happened to the first guy, and Ella says, “Your father is so vile that I can’t even stand to be in the presence of a person who eats ice cream like him.”

When they finally get spooned-up and comfortable, Hanna remembers how Mona taught her a code one time.

“A code?!??” Spencer says, when they convene their midnight meeting. They realize that Mona was trying to tell them that Maya Knew, first of all. Second of all, she’s set up a website at www.massugar.com that presumably gives up the identity of Maya’s killer. And thirdly: Not Safe.

The Risen Mitten scales the wall of Radley and slithers down to the children’s ward. S/he rips the head off a doll to reveal a recorder. When she presses play, it’s just Mona’s voice: “Miss Aria, You’re A Killer, Not Ezra’s Wife.” Miss Aria, You’re a Killer, Not Ezra’s Wife.” And: “Where were we? Maya’s Away, Sleeping Sweet. Until Garrett’s All Rosy, Count On Me.” “No One To Save Ali From Evil.”

Is that the scariest shit you have ever heard in your life, or what? Who the hell is after these girls that even Mona Vanderwaal can’t stop them? Honestly, even *I* don’t feel safe at this point.

Next week: Paige is back, and she’ll be in every episode until the end of the season!

A humongous thank you to my new screencapping partner, Maggie. She’s responsible for these gorgeous HD screencaps and, frankly, for saving me an hour and a half every Wednesday. Follow her on Twitter and give her some love: @margaretrosey. And also a humongous thank you for allowing me a week to recover from my medical drama. I really do believe we have the finest community of Pretty Little Liars fans on this wide internet, and I’m honored every week to be a part of it.

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