“True Blood” Recap (5.07): “In The Beginning”

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I feel like in general I have a pretty high tolerance for grossness. But then Sunday night rolls around and someone’s lips are sown together on True Blood and it’s like, actually I just can’t look at that. And yet! Can’t look away. It’s a good thing I’m about to stay up late recapping, because if I tried to go to sleep right now I’m pretty sure I’d just see bloody ligaments as soon as I closed my eyes. And maybe Lilith… which wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Oh hey this week we met Lilith! She was as naked as she was evil. And played by none other than Jessica Clark, out lesbian model/actress and former vlogger (Lesbian Love) for this very website.

But before that, some shit went down. Let me tell you about it.

Russell Edgington killed the Guardian of the Authority last week, and so we pick up in the immediate, chaotic aftermath. Security is called, the lights are flashing and Bill is screaming for Eric. Russell is quickly captured in a silver net and when the chaos subsides, dear sweet Eric is found stapled to a marble column by his neck, which makes Bill’s tender heart ache with worry. If these two don’t make out soon I’m going to be upset on behalf of the people who watch this show for its “hot guys.”

With some quick conversational detective work, Bill and Eric determine that Russell was probably not actually given silver in his blood and that means someone on the inside was helping him. As we’ve all predicted, it was indeed Salome.

So Bill and Eric are taken to have a chat with Nora, Salome and Russell. Russell tries to offer an Eric an olive branch. If you recall, Russell murdered Eric’s entire family, and so approximately one thousand years later, Eric killed Russell’s boyfriend. Vikings can really hold a grudge. But Russell is willing to put all that behind them in honor of Lilith. Russell was the only vampire Salome could think of to kill Russell, which is why she dug him up. She couldn’t kill him herself because that’s like sacrilege or something but if she got someone else do it, she could still live with herself. They ask Bill and Eric to join them, and Eric calls them the c-word (why’d he have to bring vaginas into it?) and Bill also says no thank you, but in a more respectful way.

Bill and Eric still have to attend the Lilith ceremony, though. At the ceremony, they all drink the blood of Lilith, which has somehow been preserved. I don’t know, wouldn’t it like, dry up or go bad or something? Well, something is up with her blood, because it seems more like they all just dropped acid. Also, it makes them really mean! They take a stroll through New Orleans, terrorizing everyone in their way.

They end up at some sort of family event and proceed to drain all of the people. Then! A drop of glittering blood falls from the sky, and when it lands, Lilith rises up from the ground. What??

It’s unclear to me if this is a hallucination caused by drinking ancient blood or if Lilith actually materializes. Especially considering how perfect and put together she looks. I mean for someone who just rose from a puddle of blood after a few thousand years, she looks like she just came from the spa. But vampires do have naturally superior bikini lines, did you know? She breathes some bloody breath onto Nora’s face, and they all go back to hungrily munching on humans. But then Godric appears! He’s so lovely. And he tells Eric that what he’s doing is wrong, and that Eric knows it’s wrong but Nora obviously does not. Eric’s eyes widen with recognition and horror.

Meanwhile, Rikki is training Alcide for their alpha battle. I know that there is supposed to be some sexual tension happening, but I can’t look past Alcide’s enormous headband long enough to notice it. Grandma Meth-Face shows up to interrupt their make out session and give Alcide a werewolf history lesson. She doesn’t think that pack master JD is taking V. Denial is powerful.

Shortly thereafter, Grandma Meth-Face catches JD giving a vial of V to Emma. She gets really upset, which makes me feel like maybe she is good after all! Because my priority here is the baby werepup and anyone who wants to keep that perfect creature safe is fine by me.

Still in the fairy club, the fairies are testing out Sookie’s luminescence by sending fairy light through her tiny body and reading its success. The fairies tell her that she is depleting, and Jason’s like, can’t you just charge her? Unfortunately Apple has yet to make the iFairy and so that won’t work. It’s actually really good news to Sookie that she could run out of magic, because recently she’s been thinking a lot about how nice it would be to be a real human girl.

The next morning, Jason brings her breakfast in bed and tells her that it’s not her fault their parents were killed by a vampire because of her irresistible bloody Band-Aid. I’m sorry, I just have to say this: does anyone else sometimes feel like there are romantic vibes that cross a brother/sister line happening here? Every time they have a heart-to-heart while sitting on a bed, it makes me think things.

Jason goes to visit Jessica for some real talk. He’s been drinking but so has she (from some dude’s nasty thigh). Jessica tries to tell him that not all vampires are the same, to make him feel better about his parents being dead. They make out but then he tastes blood on her mouth and has a temper tantrum, even though they are in an open relationship. Then he shoots her in the head. She’s fine, but still. Uncalled for.

Sookie, after remembering a montage of people asking her what she is, decides to use up all of her fairy powers because she’s over it. So she starts zapping and zapping with her sparkle paws. The Stackhouse kids are really not doing well right now. I miss Gran.

Last week, Andy and Sam killed that weapon-selling douche bag with a crossbow, so now there’s an investigation of his store. Coroner Spencer arrives late because he was doing it, which he describes, and that’s nasty. Sam sniffs around the store, and also rubs his whole body on the dirty ground, in order to locate the box of Obama masks that were worn by the people shooting shifters. Did anyone else not realize that these are Obama masks until Sam said so? So f–ked up. Sam later uses his nose to locate one of the shooters at the hospital where Papi is recovering from her bullet wound.

The douche bags in the Hate Club have successfully recruited Hoyt to their ranks, and all it took was some light sympathy – and maybe the fact that Hoyt just had his blood drunk and is now drinking alcohol helped a little. I feel like that combination would make a person really impressionable.

Lafayette takes a road trip to visit Jesus’ uncle at his magic shack in the country, where he has been saving Jesus’ decapitated head with his mouth sewn up on a large blue hand chair. Next thing we know, Lafayette is tied to a chair with his mouth sewn up in the same fashion. Not a good look for anyone. The uncle tells Lafayette that he stole the family brujo magic from Jesus, and he’s going to get it back for his baby by carving up Lafayette’s beautiful forehead. He wants to feed his pregnant wife the blood from his brain, but luckily she stabs the shit out of him just in time. You go girl! Oh and then she takes the stitches off of Lafayette’s lips, but is oddly aggressive about it. And afterwards he just looks so sad and so scared. Oy.

Tara has stopped bartending and starting stripping, much to Pam’s obvious arousal. She’s totally decked out in a vampire bondage getup, and is a pretty talented pole dancer. If I wasn’t so upset about the fact that she’s still enslaved by Pam, maybe that would have been fun to watch.  Anyway, her pole dancing routine is a perfect time for Tara’s horrible terrible worst mother to show up and ask her how Tara could do that to her. Tara totally stands up to her, and when her mom is like, I came to say goodbye, she’s like, no you’ll be seeing me again, and the fangs come out. Pam is listening to the whole thing with an eyebrow raised.

Tara goes into Pam’s office for a good cry, and Pam comforts her for like one second. Tara’s abs are out of control perfect. Anyway this is a really emotional scene and Pam tells Tara that in a hundred years, she won’t even remember her mom. She goes in for the comforting hand touch but Tara goes in for the long hug, so that’s awkward. Also there is an exposed zipper that goes straight down the crotch of Tara’s leather underwear. That can’t be comfortable. I’m upset that Tara and Pam only got a few minutes in this episode, and every time we see them their storyline only moves forward a tiny bit. Huge things could be happening between them. At any moment. And yet we are only given glimpses.

I really root for True Blood, but sometimes it feels like it’s always about to jump the shark. Things were definitely pretty crazy this week, and I honestly had a good laugh when Lilith rose from the blood puddle. So what did you all think of this episode? Tell me your hopes, your fears.

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