Your regular recapper is off getting married so I am here to tell you what happened on The Glee Project this week.
Blake and Michael are bros because they’re so much alike. I can’t tell them apart for that same reason.
“Dude, like, we’re the same.”
Everyone thinks it’s quiet without Charlie but Aylin said it makes her more determined to win. It also makes her more determined to be a bitch because she’s rolling her eyes a lot and bitching about Lily while they are putting together their first assignment for this week’s theme of Theatricality. The song is “I Hope I Get It” from A Chorus Line, which excites Ali because she’s amazing at overacting.
The guest of the week is Glee‘s Grant Gustin, aka the smarmiest smarm Warbler there ever was. He tells them that theatricality is “living at heightened emotion, where song and dance is the only way you can express how you feel at that moment.” Which means when people tell me I’m being dramatic, from now on I will correct them: “No, I’m being theatrical.”
The group does a great rendition of one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite musicals. Michael, Blake and Nellie all kind of sink into the background. Shanna does fabulous, per usual. Ali does a good job because it’s not a pop song. Grant’s a musical theater man so he picks Ali for the winner. Then the group finds out they will be channeling pop icons in their music video for the week, which is to the Pussycat Dolls‘ “When I Grow up.”
Nellie doesn’t like that she has to be Britney Spears because she thinks there are “less bold choices that would fit a little better.” I instantly cringe when she complains because if you’re on Glee, you probably want to be Britney. Who wants to be “less bold”? No one on Glee, that’s for sure! I fear Nellie is on the same path she’s been for the last few weeks, seen as not wanting it enough because she acts like she’s so put out by what she has to do to get the job. Whoa, Nellie. (I had to.)
At choregoraphy time with Zach, Lily thinks Cyndi Lauper dance moves are going to be hard. Oh, to be young again. Lily needs to watch some classic music videos immediately. Modern day Cyndi isn’t so dancey, I suppose.
When they get into the studio, Abraham breaks down when Nikki asks if he sees himself as androgynous when he performs. And for someone who is playing David Bowie this week, he seems to take it as a negative thing. “I consider myself free,” Honest Abe says. “Oh please, no!” Nikki says. Abraham says he was teased for being feminine so he doesn’t want to embrace that andro appeal he so clearly has.
Meanwhile Shannon is Lady Gaga in a meatdress. She pulls it off much better than Ali does Katy Perry or even Nellie in her Britney braids and school girl uniform. Surprisingly, Blake looks a lot like his Boy George, which is probably because, as he tells the camera, “I’m not going to go to the stereotypical way of playing a gay man. I have a homosexual brother so I know it’s not all about being sassy.” You’re right, Blake — it’s only 99 percent about being sassy! And now I will know which one Blake is because he is the one with the gay brother that lacks sass.
Aylin is Madonna because “she’s super sexy” (her own words) and isn’t that interesting in the video. Lily’s Cyndi Lauper is basically Lily in an orange wig. Michael as Elvis is just hokey. And poor Nellie acts like everything is so tough, which Zach notes. “It’s like she’ll fight it all the way.” Last week it was a sexy swimming pool exit; this week it was leaning back on fruit. Question: What does Nellie like to do? She seemed to like bagging groceries in the video.
Shanna wants to puke while wearing a bunch of meat. She says it smells terrible and is super heavy, but she works it out. And when Abraham does Bowie with his hip rolling, I’m thinking “He is so free.” And androgynous.
When it comes to who makes it to next week, Ali gets picked first. Aylin, Shanna and Blake also move on. Michael is scolded for lack of confidence yet again. Nellie, similarly, is still hiding in the shadows. Abraham cries about being bullied for his femininity and the judges remind him that most awesome musicians are androgynous. (Duh.) And Lily says blasphemous things like “Cyndi Lauper is not a pop icon.” So the final three that have to perform are Lily, Abraham and Nellie. Michael is safe with his bro Blake for another week.
Lily is so excited she gets Adele‘s “Someone Like You” she collapses on the floor. Abraham says, “You gave it to her!?” He’s stuck with a Gym Class Heroes song.
Nellie takes the stage for her lesbian swan song, “I’m the Only One” by Melissa Etheridge, or Mel Eth as I affectionately call her. The song is great for Nellie’s range but she’s got some of that Dani Shay syndrome: Being a good singer and performer, but not so much a Glee character. Ryan Murphy sees her indecision as lack of passion.
“But I sang Melissa Etheridge.”
Ryan Murphy thinks Abraham is a lot like Bowie but that Abe thinks everything is a “sexual threat.” And if you’re going to be on Glee, you better be ready for sex, threats and sexual threats. Lucky for Abe, he nails “Stereo Hearts,” which is a pretty boring song otherwise. He’s got some choreography going on and nail polish that matches his jeans. He professes his love for Ryan and Ryan’s “beautiful little hat.” Ryan tells him to drop the diva, and I prepare for a diva-off, but Abraham has shaped up. He embraced his inner-Bowie this week and is not going to let fear hold him back. “Stop being afraid,” Ryan says. “He’s lovely when he’s real!” So that flattery about the beautiful little hat did work, Abraham. Keep it up.
Lily takes on Adele and makes Zach cry. The thing with this song, though, is even the piano line can bring someone to tears. She nailed it nonetheless. I like Lily so much better when she’s not doing her trademark move of hitting herself in the face with her boobs. “I think I’m just confused on what I’m portraying,” Lily says and I’m like “Here is the diva off I was waiting for.” She says she was given conflicting directions and Zach wipes the tears off his face to defend his choreography choices. Ryan is over the excuses and Lily says she has to fight for what she wants. “I’m as good as every other girl here, just because I’m 240 pounds, I can act my way out of a f—ing box!” “Forget the ‘yes, but’ if you come back,” Ryan said. His beautiful little hat agrees.
I just realized Nellie’s arm is being attacked by some big black taffeta monster. It must be an omen.
So who goes home? It’s Nellie. Cue the lesbian sobs!
OK, yes, Nellie is adorable but she’s also super green and needs to act a little more like she wants to be on Glee. Just saying it isn’t enough sometimes. Just singing Melissa Etheridge isn’t enough sometimes. Melissa Etheridge can’t always save you. She couldn’t save Tammy Lynn Michaels from herself, and she couldn’t save your ass on The Glee Project.
Nellie, we enjoyed watching you hate most things you were made to do on the show but you would probably not stack up well against the Lea Micheles of the world. If only you could have borrowed some of Abraham’s diva.