We begin with Bill, Eric, Sookie, and Alcide as they battle Russell Edgington and his rowdy band of loyal werewolf pals. Sookie zaps Russell with her sparkle hands after he calls her a “tree fairy vixen,” clearly taking a stand against sexual harassment on behalf of women everywhere. Also, it’s now apparent that they are the same height, which officially explains why he’s been so pissed off all this time.
Eric tries to kill Russell, which would mean certain death for both he and Bill. Bill understands that Eric is probably just bored after being alive for 1,000 years, but really it’s not up to him to decide Bill’s fate. Then the Authority troops swoop in and take Russell into custody like it’s no big deal. Also the vampire leading the Authority troops is one of the council members, and he forces Bill and Eric to glamour Sookie and Alcide. Bill and Sookie have what maybe is supposed to be a tender moment as he pretends to glamour her and tells her that she should go live her life as a human with other humans in the sun. But honestly Bill and Sookie used up all of their tender moments several seasons ago, so this was pretty bland. Eric, that sly fox, glamours Alcide into never wanting to hump Sookie again. (When Sookie and Alcide return to Sookie’s house, she quickly undoes this, because goddess forbid someone not be attracted to her.) And then the Authority council member kills all the humans they saved from Russell. Scary!
The Authority throw Bill and Eric a cocktail party with a theme of royal blue furniture in honor of their success. The same cute lesbian who attached their death harnesses kindly removes them – I noticed from your comments that many of you are familiar with this adorable person, which made me happy for her! She’s so cute, she deserves that. Look at her cute slouchy skinny pants! Roman tells Eric that he is “too cool for school to admit you believe in something other than yourself,” which is probably the best description of Eric’s character I’ve ever heard. It’s decided that Russell will be executed that night, despite Salome’s super suspicious protests. Eric goes to visit his sister Nora and realizes that it wasn’t her who freed Russell. Also, she’s really pleased that the execution is going to happen that night, because apparently that was God’s plan made manifest by Lillith. What? How is that the plan? Where’s Lillith?
Well, it’s the plan in that Russell probably wasn’t given any intravenous silver and as Roman is about to execute him, turns the tables and stakes him, saying, “Peace is for pussies.” As someone who likes both peace and pussy, I don’t disagree with Russell on this one. Salome cries a single bloody tear, in that way where she feels bad that Roman died but not really that bad because the whole thing was probably her idea.
Sookie goes back to the land of humans for just a few minutes to work a shift, but doesn’t seem to clock much time in before Jason shows up and tells her what Hadley told him about their parents getting killed by vampires. Doesn’t she have bills to pay? Remember the days when Sookie had time to have a job and also work on her tan in a lawn chair while Gran made lemonade? I barely do. Anyway, Jason has just had a dream about his father, so he’s feeling extra nostalgic and motivated to get this under control. Jason takes Sookie to the field where the fairy nightclub is, and they enter together through a magic door in the air to another dimension (obviously).
Sookie, Hadley, and Jason have a family reunion while professional dancers do a well-choreographed burlesque routine in the background. Sookie meets the fairy who helped her escape fairyland last season, and he tells her that fairies conform to the standard of beauty in whatever dimension they are in – is that supposed to mean that Sookie is the most beautiful creature in all the land? Has he even seen Jessica? Oh that’s right, she wanted to smell him that one time in the dress store. It turns out that these fairies don’t believe in harvesting humans, so they are good fairies. (Can anyone tell me why fairies would want to harvest humans in the first place?) Sookie and Jason try to find out who killed their parents, but all the fairies know is that a vampire ambushed their parents on a bridge because of Sookie’s old bloody Band-Aid in the car. Nothing grosses me out quite like finding a used Band-Aid. Sookie seems to feel the same way, because she whips out her sparkle paws and then she and Jason get blasted out of the club.
Tara and Jessica, meanwhile, get a few solid seconds of throwing each other around Fangtasia before Pam steps in and puts it on hold. Jessica says some crap along the lines of, “I guess that whole friendship thing’s on hold,” and Tara’s like, “What did you expect if you come into my house and f–k with me?” I guess Jessica is referring to Hoyt and Tara is referring to Jessica attacking her over Hoyt. Also though would Tara really be this much stronger than Jessica, what with their difference in vampire age? She totally would have won the fight if Pam hadn’t interfered. Pam drags Tara backwards by her hair and oh god I can’t even watch this part, she throws her against the wall and tells her that it’s not her house, she just works there, and she’s proud of her like a human is proud of a dog. This is so problematic I can’t even deal with it. Like, really? Angela Robinson, where are you? If Tara isn’t liberated by next week’s episode, I’m going to Bon Temps and having words with Pam (oh, that moment when Feelings overpower Reality).
Hoyt tells Jessica that she’s not over him, and offers to let her to all kinds of kinky vampire things to him. Maybe she isn’t over him. Who cares. I’m upset that she and Tara broke up after only being together for one evening. So then Hoyt finds himself in an ally getting his blood sucked by some dude vampire, when those assholes in masks who have been shooting the shifters show up and kill the vampire. It was just in time, because Hoyt was about to die and seemed to be OK with it. The masked douche bags schlep Hoyt into their sketchy van and drive away.
Oh! And! Papi didn’t die! And Baby Werepup ran to Grandma Meth-Face for safety. Can you imagine opening up your front door to a baby werewolf? I would pick it up and never put it down. Which is pretty much what Grandma Meth-Face plans on doing. Maybe she’s also involved with the people who shot at them so that she can keep Emma forever. Also, Sam gives Andy a speech about how he doesn’t understand what it’s like to have people want to kill you just because of what you are. Is the shifter population the new allegory for the gay agenda, since no one feels bad for vampires anymore? Then he and Andy figure out that one of the people who shot at them was that creeper who owns the kill-a-supernatural shop, and while interrogating him, Sam shoots a bow and arrow thing throw his heart. One down.
Also, Terry leaves Arlene once and for all, in order to protect her from the “uh-freet” that he is cursed with. Good riddance.
At some point during all this, Lafayette takes a trip to visit his mother in the psychiatric ward, who apparently sees all kinds of things and not all of them in a mentally ill person way. Example: they had a shared vision of Jesus’ decapitated head with his mouth shown shut. His mom says that Jesus is with an evil man who made him drink goat blood, and Lafayette has to go save him. Then she kisses him on the lips and says that Jesus loves him even if he’s an abomination. How…tender?