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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 301 – “Apples and Oranges”

Hola! Welcome to yet another Season of The Real L Word, the greatest sociological experiment involving real life lesbians in the twenty first century. It is the greatest, because it is the only sociological experiment involving real life lesbians on television, and if you can’t have the one you love (because it is a figment of your imagination and would never get greenlit anyway), love the one you have! Love every forced orgasm, drunken mishap, and wresting match in squishy food that can be easily consumed by babies and the elderly — because without The Real L Word, we would have nothing.

I will be recapping this season. Don’t look so confused. This isn’t Dara. I’m the other Asian on the staff – the one based in New York. But don’t worry – Claire is nowhere to be seen, so neither one of us is in danger.

So let’s grab some dental dams and love it long time!

This season, professional lesbian Whitney returns with her dreads in tow – along with two of her former lovers who have now transitioned to full-fledged cast members: Romi and Sara. See, if you let Whitney into your underpants, you could get a promotion! The amazing sperm hunting couple, Corci, returns as well.

Two more guinea pigs have been added to the Los Angeles cast: east coast transplants Lauren and Amanda. They are two very very blonde guinea pigs who have been described in previews as “friends with benefits.” Amanda is in the process of moving from New York to live with Lauren, and we all know that hooking up with your best friend and roommate is a great idea – in the world of reality television and only in the world of reality television, that is – so don’t try this at home. We don’t know why Amanda has decided to move to Los Angeles. Even if the move is completely inexplicable, it is a vast improvement from last season, where the producers tried to convince everyone that New York City didn’t have internet service so in order to start a website, one must move to Los Angeles.

Speaking of New York City, the Big Apple has been tossed into the pussy petri dish as well. Let’s hope it doesn’t rot. Joining the cast this season are Brooklyn residents Kiyomi, Somer, Veronica and Laura, otherwise known as the all girl punk rock band Hunter Valentine. They wear a lot of black and hair product. And they’re going to make it big – or die trying.

The episode opens with Romi telling us all that she is still sober and that she is madly in love. The camera cuts to Whitney, who tells us that she has been making appearances all over the country and that she – too – is madly in love. Whitney has moved out of the house she shared with her BFF Alyssa – and in with her boo. We don’t know who her boo is at this point, but the camera keeps cutting back and forth between her and Romi, and while we cross our fingers hoping that it isn’t Romi because that would just be a disaster, we know that all of the other alternatives – and there are a lot of them – would be equally disastrous, so really, Romi will do. “I’m driving home, baby,” purrs Whitney into her cell phone.

“I’m driving home, too,” says an unidentified voice, which may or may not belong to Romi, but definitely belongs to a disaster waiting to happen.

Romi pulls up to her house and immediately strips down to a thong that appears to be constructed of dental floss. At this point, I’d suggest that she not bother with going through the motions of wearing underwear. Just go commando. It is easier on your sphincter, and if you are indeed attempting to have a monogamous relationship with Whitney, you should try to make the rest of your life easier and more comfortable. Romi goes upstairs and waits seductively for her lover to appear. Whitney pulls up at a house in a brand new Lexus. Either those Real L Word appearances have been lucrative, or she became BFFs with Oprah. Whitney runs up the stairs…

…into Sara‘s arms. Cut to Romi, who is canoodling in bed with Jay, her ex-boyfriend who is now her boyfriend again. Romi has gone back to the land of the weenies. Surprise! Sara and Whitney proceed to have vocal shower sex. I don’t know whose hand is buried in whose vadge, because I can’t tell which tattoos belong to whom — the scene is just one confusing hot mess of ink and steam, but someone’s hand is definitely up in thurr. Ah, The Real L Word. How we have missed ye. Meanwhile, in a dusty practice room somewhere in the bowels of Manhattan, Kiyomi, Laura and Veronica are gearing up for their show at South by Southwest, where they will introduce their new lineup and new songs. Unfortunately, their newest member, keyboardist Somer, is nowhere to be found. “Where the f-ck is Somer?” asks Kiyomi to no one in particular.

Somer is still in Brooklyn. Why bother showing up to practice when you would rather take a leisurely walk with your new wife in complementary gray outfits while walking your little gray dogs? Eventually, Somer’s wife Donna tells her that perhaps she should show up for practice. Somer shows up an hour and a half late, much to Kiyomi’s annoyance. They are two days away from their tour, and Kiyomi feels like she is herding cats. Herding cats. Herding lesbians. Pretty much the same thing. Meow. Sucks to be you.

Back in Los Angeles, we discover that Cory and Kaci‘s epic scavenger hunt for sperm has been a success. They are in the ultrasound room, where they are about to find out the sex of mini Corci. It’s a girl! And they cry tears of joy, probably because they already picked her name, and choosing a boy name would take two more trimesters of nitpicking and processing. Cut to Whitney and Sara. Both seem to have mended their wild ways and are trying to make their relationship work. They clink wine glasses, and Sara stares intently at Whitney. While the blind appears to be leading the blind here, even a blind squirrel occasionally stumbles upon a nut — so maybe there’s a chance for these crazy lovebirds, although I don’t know who is the squirrel, and who is the nut. Actually they’re probably both nuts.

Next we meet Lauren, who is a jewelry designer. She has just launched her line of high end jewelry and is showcasing some pieces at an event. Whitney and Sara roll in, and we find out that Lauren dated Kelsey for two seconds after Kelsey and Romi broke up, and that is how she knows Whitney. Lauren has already encountered haterade from Romi’s general direction due to her flirtation with Kelsey. Just 10 months into the Los Angeles scene, and Lauren can already play the game of One Degree of Whitney Mixter, which is like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except it might involve a panicked trip or two to the clinic. About Lauren, Whitney says, “She seems to be a wild one.” Maybe she is wild enough wrestle in one of your kiddie pools filled with squishy food. We can only hope.

Lauren calls the L.A. scene “juvenile” and “petty” and full of unnecessary drama, so she cannot wait for her best friend Amanda, with whom she has always had sexual tension, to move in with her. Lauren defines their relationship as “friends with benefits.” So back up. In order to simplify her life and avoid drama, Lauren is going to import her best friend from New York with whom she has set no boundaries, move her into her house and start hooking up with her, hoping that things will miraculously stay hunky dory. As Aristotle said, “Youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope.”

Meanwhile, in Brooklyn, Amanda is being regaled by the worst freestyle rap ever as she gets ready to move to Los Angeles. But since we are in the white people part of Brooklyn — and it doesn’t look like we will ever leave the white people part of Brooklyn this season, maybe we should call it excruciatingly awful slam poetry or spoken word. Also in Brooklyn, we meet Kiyomi’s de facto girlfriend Ali. Ali was supposed to be a one night stand, but months later, perplexingly, she is still around. This is how 99% of all lesbian relationships for 20-somethings progress, so congratulations, Kiyomi and Ali – you’re normal. Kiyomi claims they are not in a relationship, but they talk every day, give each other cute little presents and when they are in the same city, appear to spend all of their free time together. Listen, if it looks like and duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck. Ali wishes that Kiyomi would simply just call the duck a duck, but Kiyomi is too busy ducking the topic. Back in LA, Romi falls into a house full of Whitney’s exes to kvetch. Ex #1 Jaq and Ex #2 Rachel and Whitney’s BFF Alyssa now live together. They all have something in common – Whitney and their mutual dislike of Sara.

Says Jaq, “Sara is like scabies. You can never totally get rid of her.”

Kind of like this show. It just keeps coming back, season after season, no matter what. Romi blames her falling out with Whitney on Sara, telling the group that Sara has corrupted Whitney’s mind. She then moves on and tells everyone she is back together with her ex boyfriend. At first you could hear a pin drop, but eventually, everyone peels their jaws off the floor and the girls say they are cool with it.

Next we find out Cory and Kaci’s baby’s name: Charlie Monroe, which could be either a girl’s name or a boy’s name. How clever. I guess it didn’t matter if Charlie was a he or a she after all.

Armed with new information about Romi, Alyssa calls Whitney to gossip, telling Whitney that Romi is back with Jay. Whitney’s reaction is a yawn — Romi was never exclusive with the ladies. Alyssa tells Whitney that Romi is afraid that the community will cast her out for dating a man.

“Why would anyone cast her out for that reason?” quips Whitney. “There are so many more to choose from!”

Ooooh, snap!

Then Whitney turns around and tells Sara about Romi and Jay, to which Sara responds that Romi does everything for attention – whatever it takes to keep the spotlight on her, people talking about her. Girl, you signed up to be on the Real L Word. Isn’t this the pot calling the kettle black?

Back in Brooklyn, Hunter Valentine is chillin’ at Metropolitan, their favorite haunt. Somer voices concerns about touring and being away from home, and Kiyomi tells her she doesn’t give a crap about her emotional issues. They both agree that the upcoming tour will be a trial run to see whether Somer is a good fit for the band. Then Ali sidles up to Kiyomi and picks a fight with her, telling her that she is going to have sex with other people, because being casual and non-monogamous was Kiyomi’s idea. They bicker back and forth, causing Laura to roll her eyes. Laura tells us that Kiyomi’s middle name should be “drama.” Kiyomi’s solution to end the squabble is simple. She tells Ali, “Let’s go have sex,” because as you will see over the course of the episode, it is the only way to make Ali shut up.

Meanwhile, Kelsey is farting around on Facebook, otherwise known as the Santa Ana winds that fuel the wildfires of lesbian drama, and she discovers that Romi has gotten back together with Jay. Her response can be summed up thusly: “Ew.” Sara gets coffee with her friend Brandi, whose eyebrows as just as intense as hers. It is like watching four angry black caterpillars gesture at one another. To describe her relationship with Whitney, Sara says, “I threw in the towel, and now I’m stuck in the vagina,” which could possibly be the best line of the show, even if it doesn’t entirely make sense.

Whitney tells Alyssa that she wants to propose to Sara. Yep. Whitney wants to put a ring on it. Alyssa tries to hold down her vomit as she says, diplomatically, “You’re my best friend, so I support whatever decision you are making, even if I think it is insane.” But in her head, she’s all, “I still want to cut that bitch, and if I have to be a bridesmaid, the party favors better include Xanax and a flask full of bourbon, ‘cuz homegirl done lost her mind.” Romi is about to go to an LGBT fundraiser, and she intends to bring Jay as her date. She is afraid of what people will think of her. She tells us that she and Jay met because Jay spotted her on the street, noting that she looked a lot like his girlfriend at the time. They actually look like identical twins. No, not creepy at all, Jay. Not at all.

Next, we meet up with Hunter Valentine at their first show with their new lineup, where Kiyomi sings a song she wrote about Ali. “This song goes out all the stubborn bitches out there!” yells Kiyomi. “That’s rude,” says Laura. Cut to Ali, looking uncomfortable. The song is about how both she and Ali are stubborn and fight all the time. Nope, not awkward at all. After the show, Ali waits for Kiyomi outside. As Kiyomi approaches, Ali says, “Hey babe! What’s up!” Instead of responding, Kiyomi scoots by her, pushing equipment. Ali complains that Kiyomi didn’t even stop to say hi to her. This sparks a fight that lasts the rest of the episode. Kiyomi has a theory that Ali starts fights just so they can have make up sex. They cannot get home quickly enough. Finally, the two climb into the shower together, and Kiyomi exasperatedly reaches for Ali’s off button. And behind the shower curtain, she finally finds it, and it’s all quiet on the Eastern front.

The episode closes with Whitney shopping for rings. While commitment is a new thing for her, she says “I will never look back and say, ‘I wish I hooked up more!'” That’s because, numerically speaking, it would be impossible. Girl ran out of option in LA, so she started using LAX to supply her with a fresh slew of tattooed brunettes from out of town. Drop one off at one gate, pick one up at another, kind of like Netflix for lesbians. And now she has canceled her subscription. Good for her. Previews for the rest of the season include a lot of fighting, a lot of crying, and enough tattoos to rival that of the sideshow performers at Coney Island. To tune in to the circus, flip on Showtime every Thursday at 10 p.m. If I have to watch this show, so do you. Now hop to it.

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