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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.03): When zombie boners attack!

Maura is unveiling a very special present in the police station lobby. No, get your heads out of the gutter. Not that special of a present. Plus she only does that for Jane, and in private. Instead she’s unveiling an original, um uh — let’s just call it a sculpture. Jane astutely notes that the piece looks like “a decomposing Pinto.” Well, she’s not wrong. Jane says for the money she spent on her piece she could have bought a Ted Williams original. Maura says she doesn’t know that artist. Just in case you didn’t know these characters already, here is a reminder, folks. Meet Det. Jane Rizzoli. Likes: Baseball, beer and Dr. Maura Isles. Meet Dr. Maura Isles. Likes: decomposing Pinto art, wine and Det. Jane Rizzoli.

Jane gets saved by the bell, or more like her vibrating cellphone, and they’re off on a case. But not before Maura gives her hand a little slap for spinning a, um uh — I’ll go with fan on the Pinto piece, and gets scolded, “Don’t touch!” So what does Jane do next? Touches it, three times, on purpose. I kind of love it when Jane turns into a disobedient 6 year old. On the way to the scene of a homeless Iraq War veteran who was murdered, Jane and Maura bicker over graffiti. Is it powerful street art or felony vandalism? Frost is busy with an artist who heard the commotion in his alley. It’s actually his powerful street art/felony vandalism, he says. Jane is less than impressed with this wannabe Bansky and threatens to arrest him if she catches him putting up his posters.

Just then Rondo, her homeless confidential informant, comes running up. Aw, I kind of missed him. Though mostly I missed the way he calls her “Vanilla.” He leads her to another homeless vet who says he saw the killer. But he’s pretty wacked out and gives them a synthesizer keyboard filled with “classified intel” instead. Jane gives Rondo his CI cash and Rondo gives it to the vet. See, I told you there was a reason I missed Rondo.

Back at the autopsy room, Jane and Maura are examining the victim’s wounds. Jane thinks they could be from a tactical tomahawk. But then another fresh corpse is rolled into the room in a body bag. The guy apparently croaked in a cab. Maura unzips him — because never mind the exposed dead guy on the other table already — and it’s Eddie Cibrian. Jane declares him “kind of hot, for a dead guy.” Oh, Janey, you accidentally included the word “dead” in that sentence.

Then, in a moment that stretches not only credulity but the laws of nature, the dead guy rises. Well, one particular part of him rises. And as it rises it even makes a cartoony creaking up, up, up sound. Because when you’re a very special guest star, even your penis gets sound effects. Jane is, naturally, horrified. Because who wouldn’t be horrified by a zombie boner? Well, unfortunately, Maura isn’t. Because her reaction is to grab it. With her hand. In front of Jane. OK, OK, that’s like negative 100 girlfriend points right there. No eye (or any other kind of) sex for her tonight. To make the whole situation even more horrifying, the zombie boner has a pulse. The victim isn’t dead, just has an obstruction in his airway.

Maura performs an emergency cricothyrotomy to save him, which in non-medical terms means she jams a pen barrel into his throat. It works, the dead guy comes to and smiles at Maura. He even grabs her hand. Um, how long was he without oxygen in that body bag? Because only someone with severe brain damage would try of flirting with Dr. Isles in front of Det. Rizzoli. As the EMTs cart him off, Maura asks if she and Jane “should bump fists?” Man, what is up with you ladies and your adding/leaving out of important words today? You should definitely bump something together, but not fists. Maura says, “it is nice to save someone that handsome.” Jane looks all hurt and asks if he was ugly would Maura have let him die. But we all know that’s just code for, “More handsome than me?” No, Jane, not more handsome than you. Dude may have a zombie boner, but you have the Ponytail of Righteous Justice and also your face. Have you seen your face? It’s a very nice face.

Upstairs the boys are already chuckling about how Zombie Boner Dude has risen “hard and fast.” Jane chides them and asks, “Does the fascination with your ding-a-lings ever end?” And they reply, “Nope.” See, any dude can obsess about his johnson anywhere he wants, but a female legislator can’t even say the word “vagina” in the Michigan House of Representatives without being officially silence. To quote Det. Jane Rizzoli, “Really? REALLY?!” The victim’s widow comes in and tells them about his severe PTSD after coming home and an outreach center where he went briefly for help. Jane and Korsak go to visit and who should they find there but none other than Lt. Col. Beard Force. He’s been back from his secret mission for months and hasn’t bothered to call Jane. Because he’s her beard, not her boyfriend. Jane acts all hurt, because even a beard should probably call after being away for so long. But he’s all “things have changed” and “I’ve been very busy.” Well, since that time Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell also has been repealed. So maybe he decided he was just tired of living a lie.

Back in Maura’s office she’s opening a card that came with a bouquet of orchids. When Jane walks in she tells her they’re from the cute boy with the erection who is about to be discharged from the hospital. Really, writers? Making Maura say “cute boy,” “erection” and “discharge” all in the same sentence? Stop torturing the lesbians. Jane is in no mood for Maura’s wang talk, she has her own wang to worry about. She tells Maura about Lt. Col. Beard Force’s return. Maura asks if Jane liked Casey more than Dean, which is kind of obvious. If you’re going to have a beard, make it the most macho beard possible. In a macho off, a Lt. Col. beats a FBI agent easily. Jane tells her how she got the brush off instead and Maura says, “Oh, that’s not good” which solicits a pillow hit. It’s so natural and unsurprising. Something tells me these two hit each other playfully with pillows in bed all the time. Or at least Jane hits Maura. And then Maura complains about the thread count in Jane’s pillows. And then they laugh and focus their attention on an entirely different kinds of pillows. Ahem. Maura tells her to distract herself from heartbreak with work. Jane agrees, because the whole “It Has Risen” thing with Zombie Boner Dude was pretty unsettling. She says if she doesn’t she’ll end up curled up in the fetal position on Maura’s couch, and her couch “blows.” To translate into Rizzles Language, that means “your couch is incredibly uncomfortable when we try to have a quickie afternoon delight together.”

Later the detectives find the other homeless marine also murdered by a tactical tomahawk. Back in autopsy, Jane is distracted. Maura says she’s fixated on Lt. Col. Beard Force and should call him. Jane says she would rather juggle Maura’s scalpels. Again with the misplaced words. Please replace “scalpels” with “pillows” — Maura’s pillows. Look, she’s thinking about them now. Ahem. Just then Zombie Boner Dude pops up to thank the ladies in person. Jane echoes lesbian sentiments everywhere when she says, “I’m keeping my distance. I’m afraid of that erection.” So say we all. They find him in the lobby admiring the decaying Pinto. And then he promptly grabs Maura and hugs her. Jane teases that she’s checking for a pulse. As she’s being manhandled, Maura gives a worried look back to Jane. You can only torment your girlfriend so much with the boy baiting.

Then Zombie Boner Dude goes in for a hug with Jane and Jane is all “Whoa!” “Back Up!” “Boy Cooties!” “Ew gross!” He thanks them for the pen in my throat thing and they’re all whatever. And then he tries to impress Maura with his knowledge of the decaying Pinto piece. Jane’s not impressed. Maura, however, sees her chance to make Jane even more jealous.

Rondo comes to save Jane from her torment. He’s brought more news. But the big news may actually be about him. Seems he used to be Boston’s Barry White who could “sing the panties right off ya.” Mama Rizzoli bustles in to agree about the panties and say one of the Rizzoli brothers was conceived to his singing. Oh, Mama R, how I love you. Rondo brings in another “CI” with some loopy intel of his own, but he also asks Jane to check out the classified intel in the synthesizer. She says she will but only if he promises to sing for her. But he refuses and tried to back out of everything. Rondo’s got a backstory. Interesting.

Well, at least more interesting than Zombie Boner Dude. He’s with Maura in her office now and gives her a thank-you present. It is hand. Let me get this straight, the dude who had the zombie boner which Maura grabbed just gave her a hand? Well, that’s certainly a literal way to thank someone for a life-saving hand job. Turns out he’s also the artist, but really he is a motivational speaker. And he gives talks about unleashing your inner real winning self. I’m about to unleash something on him, and he won’t feel like he’s winning. And then he gets even more insufferable and asks Maura out. She agrees, but only if he won’t die on her again. Well, you’d better hope Jane doesn’t find out then because she will definitely kill him.

As Zombie Boner Dude leaves, Mama R walks in with some fresh Italian puff pastry out of the oven. She says something ridiculous about wishing Jane could meet a tall drink of water like him. Mama, mama, mama — she has Maura. It’s like a having a gorgeous bottle of Dom PĂ©rignon. Who needs dumb old water? Maura then mentions Jane and Casey and Mama R ounces. Maura! Don’t tell your mother-in-law about your girlfriend’s beard problems. That’s private. Don’t be bribed by pastry. Now on their “date,” Zombie Boner Dude has taken Maura to the food trucks. She says it reminds her of an agora and gets impressed again when he knows that’s an ancient Greek marketplace. And then he less than impresses her by offering to buy her a chilidog. Dr. Maura Isles does not eat the gonads, intestines and eyeballs of hoofed animals.

If you thought chilidogs were as cheesy as it was going to get, he tells Maura, “You have exceptional hands. I would love to sculpt them.” But wait, it’s like those late-night informercials where they promising one more thing, there’s even more cheesiness. He asks her, “What’s the wildest, most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” Maura has to think. With Jane? Hm. That time in a moving squad car was pretty wild. And that time in the interrogation room was pretty outrageous. Look, she’s thinking about it now. But Maura has the good sense to keep those wild, outrageous things with Jane to herself. She knows those confessions might get Zombie Boner Dude too excited and then she’d have to resuscitate his member again. And nobody wants that. So she tells him that she rode nude on a horse at an equine dressage event. Of course, this being Maura the nudity had a purpose. She was protesting cuts to her college equestrian team. Yeah, not unlike the time I protested boredom and skipped my econ class for a week.

But ZBD (I’m just getting tired of writing “boner” over and over) wants his own wild and outrageous moment with Maura. So he pulls down the fire escape and takes her to the roof. And on the roof he finds some spray paint cans and asks her to be her look out. Now, Maura may like art that looks like the innards of an old jalopy, but she’s not about the break the law because she is the chief medical examiner of the commonwealth of Massachusetts. ZBD says “art is not a crime,” and then physically grabs her hand and does it for her. Everyone’s so handy, cut it out!

Just then, Frankie drives up to save the day. He catches Maura and Zombie in the act and is none too pleased with his sister-in-law. Now that’s what I call a good brother. Way to cockblock Maura for Jane. Back at the office, Mama R is distracting Jane from her Maura Lt. Col. Beard Force problems. She looks deep into Jane’s big baby browns and says, “I wish you would confide in me. I’m right here.” Jane takes a deep breath, looks at her mother and says, “I’m gay and in love with Maura.” Wait, no, sorry — there was a problem with my audio. She really says some nonsense about becoming a nun. See, this is what you’re driven to when your girlfriend goes out with a cocky street artist/motivational speaker. And then Mama R gives her a long hug because we all know Jane really meant to say the gay thing.

The next morning Jane busts into Maura’s office with nary a knock. She’s all, “Why did you tell ma about Beard Force? Are you going to tell her about the vibrator we bought together too?” That’s paraphrasing, but really that’s what she said. No kidding. But Maura is too busy fretting over the ticket Frankie gave her for tagging. And then she tells Jane she liked breaking the law. Dr. Maura Isles: Lawbreaker. Yeah, we’re as shocked as you are, Jane. Jane calls her a lovesick, blabbermouth tagger instead. Speaking of taggers, medical results show the victim had spray paint in his lungs and was probably a tagger too. Jane wonders if she had a street beef and Maura wonders if that’s a food truck. OK, that’s the geeky Maura we know and love. Jane is sufficiently re-smitten and runs off to fix Frankie’s ticket. He reassures her it’s bogus and she gave it to her to keep her and her zombie boyfriend off the streets. Or, more accurately, away from each other.

Sadly, back at Casa Isles, Maura and her zombie are back with each other. She’s talking about her love of fine cheeses. And then, dammit, if ZBD doesn’t go and do the cheesiest thing ever. He’s naked — yes, naked — when Maura turns around. He’s there to sculpt her — nude, apparently — and says he only felt it was right he was nude, too. Maura gets flustered, makes a crack about his good circulation and then downs a whole glass of wine. I know, it’s difficult sometimes with straight experiences. Lots of people need to get drunk first. And then he sculpts her and she puts back on her dress and he puts back on his pants and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS.

The next day Maura and Jane are checking out the hot-tub boiled body of a graffiti documentarian Frankie and Frost found the other day. Maura teases Jane with tales of his nudity. Jane’s face says, “No!” but her mouth covers with, “I want to hear everything.” Maura continues to fret about what her punishment will be, and the color of her court-mandated uniform. Jane finally let’s her off the hook and tells her it was a fake. Maura is all, “Bad girlfriend, no eye sex.” And then Jane tells her she did it to, “scare her straight.” Again, leaving out words ladies. Scare her “away from” the straights! Sheesh. Everybody needs syntax and elocution lessons today.

Jane and company bust the bad guy thanks to a memory card hidden in the synthesizer. It was the artist who was taking credit for the victim’s artwork. Whew, now that we have the silly “crime plot” out of the way, Jane goes to confront Lt. Col. Beard Force. He says he has nothing to offer her and the only people he has room in his life for are the wounded vets. Jane is all, but you were the best beard ever and then leaves. Beard Force looks pensive, then we see his laptop wallpaper is a snapshot of him with Jane. So he still wants to beard for her, but reveals he was injured and has braces on his leg. Aw, Beardy. Jane doesn’t care about that. A wounded war veteran is an even better beard yet. Hey, don’t judge — you know it’s true. Maura is waiting for Jane, because you always take your girlfriend to visit your beard. Jane’s all weepy because it’s hard when you let a good fake boyfriend get away. She tells Maura, “Let’s do something crazy.” And then they do a whole lot more than just sculpt together in the nude.

Now for your disappointed #gayzzoli tweets of the week. It’s hard to get it up with so much boner talk, isn’t it, girls?

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