The next day, Hanna and Aria stake out Jenna’s house, waiting for her to leave for her 4:15 ear-plug appointment. She tells Aria about the Radley debacle from last night, with Lucas acting like a squirrel hopped up on blow and Caleb crossing his arms and furrowing his brow and disapproving of every little life-threatening thing. Hanna’s like, “You know, next time I get a chance to ask a culprit a direction question, I’m going to do it!” Aria rolls her eyes, because she is so sure. When have they ever engaged in that kind of proactive behavior? They don’t have time to squabble, though, because a taxi arrives to pick-up Jenna. The car chase is on!
Spencer, meanwhile, is trying to get the skinny on Melissa’s hospital stay in DC. She calls the hospital and asks if they could please tell her the times and dates of Melissa’s most recent medical procedure, and they sure would be happy to do that if Melissa had ever visited their hospital. Next, Spencer calls the resort where Melissa was staying and the concierge is like, “I don’t think you left here to have a miscarriage, Ms. Hastings, unless you found time to do it between spa-ing and luau-ing with your mother.”
Emily decides to accompany Ella to the vice principal’s office to let him know Ella only cheated on her behalf because she’s a conduit of deceptive energy and everyone in her path ends up Lying and getting murdered. Ella goes, “Sweetheart, I know you don’t know what it’s like to have parents, but this is what it feels like. Being loved and protected and sheltered from the shitstorm of your daily existence.” It’s a really wonderful scene and you get the feeling they’re going to hold hands and take the fall together, but somehow Ezra saves the day by … I’m not sure, actually. He probably just grinned that side-grin at the vice-principal and made him forget even his own name. It’d work on me.
Aria and Hanna summon Spencer and Emily to Jenna’s secret appointment and Spencer — gaying it up in a buttondown, a vest, and a ponytail — literally goes, “A gun store?! What is she doing at a fffffffuuuuuricking gun store?!” Planning to save your asses, probably. In the eye abides the heart, in the gun abides the bullets. Jenna gets in her car and Hanna decides enough is goddamn enough. She marches over, slaps her hands against the hood and says, “What a sight for sore eyes!”
I’m running out of time, but here’s what I want to say about this scene in the alley: PLL has been hiding its villains’ lights under a bushel, and I’m so glad they’ve decided to let ’em shine. I mean, Janel Parrish owns this episode, but Tammin Sursok is inspired in this scene. For starters, Jenna won’t look at any of the Liars in the face. She’s hanging onto her blind mannerisms. And for seconders, she pings from indignation (she’s being hunted too!) to empathy (she actually saved Emily that night!) to outrage (they have to keep her secret because they owe her!) to pleading (don’t they?). It’s good. So good. The Liars don’t even know what to do with her. It’s like they thought they were catching a trout, but instead they hooked the friendliest, saddest shark!
Caleb visits Mona at Radley to see if she’s as flawless as he’s heard — and yep, she is! She yammers on about solitaire for a while before he accuses her of laughing at everyone inside her hyperreality. He tries to turn the tables by saying, “Well, joke’s on you, bitch, because I get to leave this place.” So she flips the table (literally!) on him and starts screaming in his face like a banshee. But not before she tells him he’s a crappy kisser.
Hastings House of Horrors. Taking a page from Hanna’s book, Spencer comes right out and asks her mom if Melissa was faking her pregnancy. Veronica is like, “Yeah, pretty much. You want a snack before bed?”
At Rear Window, we get to know more and more about the real Ezra Fitz. Namely, he really does love teaching and he really does care about his students. Emily’s still working out that anger part of her grief cycle, but she’s on her way up. She tells “Mr. Fitz” that she’s done, right now, as of this moment, just absolutely finished with people feeling sorry for her. Two of her girlfriends have died, yes. Someone once poisoned her with her own sports cream. A doll came to life in the back seat of her car. Shit happens fast and hard in her life, but she’s a survivor. Ezra is like, “I know. That’s why I made you a new test. Same subject, different questions, no PTSD.” He even remembers what coffee she drinks.
At Radley, Mona clutches the Queen of Hearts in her hand and sings “In the Eye Abides the Heart” like the Rachel Berry of God’s own choir, and the Risen Mitten pours herself a drink and ices down her bottle of vodka next to the frozen skull of Alison DiLaurentis.
If you’re looking for your #BooRadleyVanCullen tweets, they’ve got their own post now!