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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.02): Is there a doctor in the family?

Jane is cooking in the kitchen while the men watch sports. That is the most wrong sentence I’ve ever typed in the history of wrong. But, alas, these are the things our Det. Jane Rizzoli must do now that she is on the outs with Dr. Maura Isles. It’s like the entire balance of the universe is off. Up is down, white is black, butch is femme — you get the picture.

Seeing as this is not the natural order of things, Jane has a little kitchen mishap and drops a hot pan filled with the burgers meant for her and her brothers, Frankie and Tommy. Or perhaps that’s Jane’s way of trying to right the natural order of the universe by butching up and saying, “Screw you, potholders, I am Det. Sexy McBadass and I fear no third-degree burns!” Either way, it doesn’t exactly work out because Jo Friday ends up with the burgers and the Rizzoli siblings end up with a knock at the door. But instead of being a miraculous pizza delivery, it’s Papa Rizzoli. Amazingly he’s even more greasy than any pizza could ever be.

Frost and Korsak are with Maura at the crime scene of the college co-ed who chose the creepiest place possible to do yoga. But the detectives are gossiping about Jane and Maura’s lover’s spat instead of the case. In fact, so is all of Boston as the news of the rugged homicide detective and stylish medical examiner’s falling out has made the media. Really, really Boston Crime Post, you ran a headline with the word “Frenemies?” I can guarantee you that is not in the Associated Press Stylebook.

Maura, who it should be noted is wearing a kicky red leather jacket I openly covet, is unleashing her Fun Facts barrage on Korsak instead of her usual Fun Facts sounding board Jane. Korsak tells Frost, “They should just apologize for whatever they said to each other in that catfight.” Yep, the C-word again. Frost, who apparently took a Women’s Studies 101 class in college, corrects him, “Catfight? Women hate that expression.” True fact.

Back at Casa Rizzoli, Papa and the boys are putting a dent in Jane’s couch and chip supply. Jane has had enough of being the little woman (another term us lady folk hate, by the way), and demands to know why her dearly disappearing dad has suddenly reappeared. He hands them all a wedding invitation. He plans to marry his new honey (again, another one we hate though mostly only when called it on first reference by a stranger) in the church. How does he plan to accomplish this as a divorced Catholic? An annulment, of course. Say hello to the three bastard Rizzoli kids, everyone.

Jane escapes to the peace and tranquility of the crime scene. Frost brings her up to speed, but for the technical stuff tells her to talk to, and then trails off. It’s so cute how everyone is on egg shells around them, like what actually happens when a co-worker couple breaks up but still has to work together. There’s so much office politics are play. Like who gets custody of the water cooler area and who gets the vending machine area?

Jane says she’ll ask “Dr. Isles” herself. When she walks up on Maura telling Korsak yet another Fun Fact, she gets greeted with an icy, “Hello, Det. Rizzoli.” Oh, so they’re on a strictly professional title basis now? That’s both cold and hot at the same time.

Things remain icy as Jane and Maura discuss the victim, which is no small feat considering they’re in the humid steam tunnels. Jane says she was strangled by a garrote and Maura corrects her pronunciation. Jane says she’d love a history lesson on the [insert guttural noise and crossed eyes here] and Maura gives her one because that’s what Maura does even when passively aggressively insulting her LLBFF.

Speaking of passive aggressive insults, Maura saves her best for last. When Frost asks what the red patches on the victim’s torso are, Maura says “urticaria.” When Jane questions what that means, Maura says, “Maybe you’ll know what this means. The yucky red stuff is a rash.” And then Jane and Maura engage in what can only be accurately described as intense hate eye sex.

Frost and Jane leave, but Maura snaps, “You stay!” at Korsak. And while I’m sure that the good detective desperately wants to flee the scene of such tension and never-ending Fun Facts, he stays because when Dr. Maura snaps, “You stay,” you stay. In fact, if Dr. Maura Isles snapped, “You — anything,” I’d do that thing. Happily. Obediently. With so much pleasure.

Jane and Frost are at the victim’s apartment, interviewing her roomie and checking out her room. They find cruelty free cotton tops and vegan shoes in her closet. Jane calls the latter “vugly” and Frost replies, “Says the woman who has been wearing the same boots for the last two years.” Oh, snap! Wait, do the kids today still say, “Oh, snap?” Well, at least Jane does. Twice.

Seems Frost has a lot of experience with women “of all sizes.” See, fellas, knowing the feminist basics will definitely get you laid. The detectives find a bag of white powder among her belongings, which they assume is cocaine. Is cocaine vegan?

The victim’s parents come in for questioning. Jane sleuths out that they’re separated. This of course sets off sympathy bells in Jane’s head, given her own predicament, and she tells them to honor their daughter by “being kind to one another.” Awww, someone misses her sweet Maura.

Someone else who misses sweet Maura, or at least her relationship with cranky Jane, is Tommy who asks his sister if they’ve kissed and made up yet. Jane says she doesn’t know if they’ll ever be “friends” again and that each time they see each other they make it worse. And then things get worse when Frankie tells her their pop is marrying a 28-year-old. And even worse still pop shows up with the annulment papers and Ma Rizzoli is having none of it.

Speaking of unconscionable Rizzoli men, Tommy is dressed in a suit and tie in Maura’s office. His fancy duds, however, are just for picking up dead dudes (and dudettes) as he has landed a job in a funeral home. Tommy wants some advice from Maura. Like, maybe, how best to get into her pants? Maura tells him Jane and her are as not as “close” as they used to be. Tommy calls it a good thing that Jane and Maura aren’t talking. And Maura says, no, it’s “awful.” But Tommy is undeterred and says now that they’re not “talking” — because even the sleazy brother who hits on his sister’s girlfriend knows they do a lot more than just “talk” — maybe they can start “talking” instead. Maura laughs it off, because once you’ve had Jane Rizzoli, no other Rizzoli or Jane or person will do.

Tommy then proceeds to up his sleazoid credentials by saying he knows his dad’s new 28-year-old fiancĂ© in the biblical sense. But just the once. And then proceeds to ask whether it’s wrong and he should tell his dad. Yeah, Maura definitely has the better Rizzoli and she knows it.

Back in the autopsy room, Maura is noting that the victim’s lower extremities are well muscularized. Been a little while, hasn’t it, dear? Jane walks in and also notes that the victim is “really fit.” Yeah, it’s been a long time for both of them. Senior Criminalist Susie Chang comes in to tell them she’s discovered what the white powder was. And then in an awkward and tense game of telephone, we learn it wasn’t cocaine but baking soda, which the victim used to wash her hair to be environmentally friendly.

Maura notes some past injuries on the victim’s body and Jane says she’d love to know why they’re relevant, if only Maura would guess. Maura tells her she’s in luck because it’s National Guessing Day. Is that a real day? That should be a real day. Let’s all guess how long the make-up sex between these two will last. A day, two days, a week? Maura tells Jane the injuries are the result of some terms I can’t pronounce let alone spell. Jane says she knows those are yoga terms. Because her girlfriend does yoga, and she pays very close attention to everything her girlfriend does. Then she asks for the “yucky rash lingo” of what caused the yucky rashes, it turns out it is from being submerged in “icky stuff.” You know Maura is off, she has now said both the words “yucky” and “icky” in one day in a scientific context.

And then Maura does something even more out of character. As Jane storms off, Maura notices she has a toilet paper coming from the back of her pants. And she says nothing. And then giggles. Oh, man — I know you two are fighting but letting your LLBFF walk out with a TP tail is just mean.

After Jane takes care of her tail, the detectives figure out the victim has been spending big bucks at a nearby yoga studio. So Korsak and Jane go to investigate…undercover…as a couple. Please pardon me while I hold my stomach in a fit of laughter. In fact, let’s all take a chuckle break. Shall we?

To keep the happily chuckley feeling going, I’m going to skip the scene where both Tommy and Frost puke at the crime scene of a floater they pulled from the water. Seems Jane and Frankie really are the only Rizzolis who can look death in the face — and not lose their lunch.

Someone who can definitely look death in the face is doing just that as Maura notes an apparent skull fracture on the new victim’s body. Frankie gets excited and says it’s his first murder. And then Maura chides him about jumping to conclusions, using gut instinct, shooting her father and not apologizing for her actions and, wait, I think she’s yelling at the wrong Rizzoli.

The trip to the yoga studio didn’t yield much on its sensei, but the detectives find out his studio has bought a lot of protected land in western Massachusetts using its religious exemption. Maura arrives to say what icky stuff caused the yucky rash. It’s chemicals from a polluted freshwater lake and, Maura being Maura, she has already narrowed it down to a few in western Mass.

Jane says her Sprout troop used to have sleepovers at those lakes and Maura is incredulous that Jane was ever a “kind, friendly, generous” Sprout trooper. Jane tells her she was so sweet and kind she won the Sweetest Camper Award, two years in a row. And then Maura asks, “Was anyone else there?” Everyone looks at everyone else in a silent yet very loud exclamation of OH NO SHE DI’INT.

Even Maura realizes that was probably a little too much and adds, weakly, at the end “…to watch you accept your award.” Yeah, nice not even close to a save. Jane says she’s going to investigate the yoga retreat and Maura says she’s going to take water samples. This gives Frost and Korsak, two of the biggest Rizzles shippers around, an idea. Why not make our two lovebirds drive out to the area together? They decline, but Korsak is not deterred. He has both their cars towed, yes towed, so they’ll have to go together.

Then the World’s No. 1 Rizzles Shipper Mama Rizzoli comes in and closes the deal. She has packed mortadella sandwiches (hello, yum!) for the ladies to take on their road trip. Jane asks if Korsak put her up to it and Mama R has had enough, saying the ladies should at least be civil. When Jane protests more Mama R snaps saying to both women, “If you’re such a grown-up then act like one and stop this!” If the wrath of Mama R and her yummy sandwiches can’t fix this, what can?

Frost pulls up, conveniently, with his car and the ladies relent for environmental reasons. But Jane says she gets to drive because she’s the cop and the top and, well, just get in the car, Maura. But they both refuse to listen to each other’s music in the car. Though, side note, how exactly does Jane know Maura listens to Yo-Yo Ma in the Jacuzzi? Exactly.

The roadtrip goes as one might expect. Maura give her geeky longitude and latitude directions. Jane farts and blames it on Maura. Mama R calls to see if her daughters are getting along and tells them to pop in the self-help relationship audiobook she packed in the cooler. It’s something like What to Do When You and Your LLBFF Can’t Be LLBFFs, but snarky Maura reads it as What to Do When Your Former LLBFF is a Bitch. There two need to go visit couples therapist Earth Rain Song Womyn immediately and get some healing relationship crystals or something.

The Not So Adorable Bickersons pull up to a guard booth at the yoga retreat and try to bluff their way inside. And by “bluff” I mean they act like a couple, engage in a little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching and say they’ve just ascended. Ascended, is that what they’re calling it these days? Well this being Pride Month, there’s a whole lot of ascending going on between ladies all over the country — you know what I mean?

They sneak out to the lake and Maura takes her water samples but notices some suspicious looking equipment and even more suspicious looking muscle hanging around the lake. Maura says they’re in danger and need to leave pronto. As they drive out Maura tells Jane the victim definitely swam in that lake and the equipment was for fracking, an environmentally hazardous way of extracting natural gas. Jane pieces together that the victim, who was studying geology, probably uncovered the fracking which got her killed.

And then, BAM, a truck rams their car. OK, can we just take a moment, please. Are lesbians (or virtual lesbians, semantics) in car accidents the new pregnant lesbians? Jane and Maura on Rizzoli & Isles. Quinn on Glee. Callie and Arizona on Grey’s Anatomy. Cat on Lip Service. Stay out of and away from cars, ladies who (potentially) love other ladies. They are extremely hazardous to your health and the health of your lesbian fans. So ends this very important public service announcement.

But there’s no time to fret about the unhealthy percentage of traumatic televised lesbian car accidents. Jane and Maura are in danger, girl. They’re being shot at in the car. Maura’s leg is stuck, making it hard to get out of and Jane returns fire while trying to protect her. They manage to scamper out and flee. Though not before Jane gets in little butt grab while helping Maura up the hill. Hand placement is everything.

At the office, the detectives are piecing together a link between the dead floater, who was a hydrology professor, and the victim, who was a geology student. They realize they were in contact and trying to blow the cover on the yoga studio’s illegal fracking. Korsak is also trying to reach Jane. Frost theorizes it’s because they’re “yelling so loud they can’t hear their phones.” Yeah, he’s thinking about their epic future make-up sex session, too.

Back in the woods the ladies are still trying to escape. But Maura is barely limping along and has to stop. She gets Jane to remove her boot (like that hasn’t happened before), but what’s underneath is hard and smells like a dead body. I definitely hope that hasn’t happened before. Maura says Jane will have to perform emergency surgery on her or she’ll lose her leg. And then they bicker about that because even in limb-threatening situations, they can’t help but act like an old married couple.

Maura breaks the glass on Jane’s water-logged cellphone to use it as a scalpel. But before she has her start, she has the presence of mind to tell Jane to “take off your shirt.” Because even in limb-threatening situations, she wants to get Jane shirtless.

Jane says she can’t do it. She’s too freaked out. But Maura says “I really like my leg,” meaning “you also really like my leg” and so she finds the courage and starts. Jane makes the incision and Maura is OK until she’s not OK. And then passes out. I know this is a very serious situation and all, but when taken totally, totally out of context this shot could potentially be very sexy. I know, I know — inappropriate. But, um, sexy.

Jane cradles Maura in her lap, begging her to wake up. I love how her tenderness only comes out with Maura. That woman is her Achilles Heel and when hurt, she crumbles. A delirious Maura says she dreamt they were at camp, and she voted for Jane who won the Sweetest Camper Award again. And then the bad guys emerge. But so does Fierce Maura Protector Jane. Tank Top. Pointed gun. Cradled Maura. I’ll be in my bunk.

The baddies, with the very bad sensei, capture them and explain they’ve been mining the area for its natural resources. The sensei is an ex Army Ranger and Blackwater guy. So he doesn’t care about love and light, just cash and profits. It’s one of those, if it weren’t for those pesky kids we’d have gotten away with it Scooby Doo kind of plots. But good thing we don’t really care about things like plot.

He ties Jane and Maura into their car, and unleashed the reservoir water on them so they’ll drown in the spillway. I never knew yoga was this hazardous. As the water starts to fill their car, Jane fights to get out. Note to Director: Thank you, thank you for putting Jane in that white tank top and making her struggle against her seat belt. Just saying, as long as we’re being inappropriate.

Jane pulls out her phone and Maura tells her to call her mom and “tell her we’re friends again.” Oh my God, our girls made up! But there’s no time for make-up sex now because of the whole life-threatening scenario and all. Jane begins to humor her, but then sees her phone is working again — to a point. She can only text signals. Loopy Maura — who I rather enjoy except for the whole about to die thing — tells her to text a series of numbers and beep, beep, bops. Jane realizes it’s Morse Code and, in a quiet moment of relief and gratitude, chokes out a, “Good job, Maura.”

Korsak, who went out searching for them, gets the code and gets there just in time. As he pulls Maura out, he commends Jane for staying with her. Jane replies, “I wouldn’t leave her.” That’s it, group hug time, Rizzles Girls. Our girls are back together. First round at the Dirty Robber is on me.

Back at the Isles Estate, the whole Rizzoli clan (minus Pop, ugh, pop) is there to greet Maura when she gets back from the hospital. Jane helps her into the house still in her dirty tank top, all proud and relieved her lady is OK. Tommy, being the doofus he is, brings up his having boinked his dad’s fiancĂ© problem again to Maura. Way to focus on what’s important, dude.

Maura tells them her surgeon was impressed by Jane’s incisions. And it’s Mama R’s turn to be all proud and tells Jane she always wanted a doctor in the family. Jane tells her she’s out of luck because she only got two cops and an undertaker. Then Jane reconsiders and says, “I think you got a doctor, too.” And smiles and sits next to her Maura. Because Maura is family. This is a family. Love makes a family. WHO HAS SOME KLEENEX?

Happy Mama/Mama-in-Law Rizzoli says they should apologize to each other. Simultaneously they tell her to butt out. But then, Maura says she’s sorry if Jane is sorry, with a little soft arm punch for emphasis. Jane says she’s sorry too, but a little less sorry. Always gotta be the top, don’t you Jane? But then confesses they were both jerks. Mama R corrects them saying, “You were both assholes.” Who else can a mama talk to like that other than her daughter and daughter-in-law? No one, that’s who.

Jane confesses she didn’t really win the Sweetest Camper Award. And Maura confesses she missed her. And they hug. Boy, do they ever hug.

Jane nestles her face into Maura’s soft, soft hair, drinks in the familiar smell and, wow — look at the time. Clear out Rizzoli clan, these ladies have some serious make-up sexing to do.

And now to your hilarious #gayzzoli tweets of the week:

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