If you’re just tuning in to The Glee Project, here’s what you missed: We started last week with 14 contestants who are vying for a part-time gig on next season’s Glee. Each episode runs in a remarkably and probably unnecessarily complex fashion, like so:
1. Kids perform a “homework” song.
2. Kids perform another song, which they practice longer for, and which they get mentorship from on dancing (from Zach) and singing (from Nikki).
3. They make a video.
4. After the video, they choose the bottom three performers, who each then perform a specifically assigned song.
5. Then Ryan Murphy comes in and gets to say “You lose!” in a half-nurturing half-condescending way to one of them.
6. I’m sure there are even more parts to it I’m missing.
7. I mean, it’s simple.
Also, I want to mention that I know Tuesday nights are the gay-TV-parties of the summer, but if you’re already busy watching Pretty Little Liars and Rizzoli and Isles, never fear! The Glee Project episodes are free to watch on Oxygen’s website as well as Hulu.
So right off I’m going to start this recap with a bit of complaining. Yay! In that charmingly quick-spoken “Here’s what you missed!” recap of last episode they start with, just as in Glee, the narrator summarizes the new contestants by saying, “There’s pretty girls in all sizes – small, medium, and large!” while panning to girls they respectively consider small, medium, and large. Gross. Way to objectify women based on their body size, or on what you deem to be their body size! I bet that made them feel great. But thank God they are pretty!
They then point out the diversity in the rest of the cast in similarly blunt ways, like, “There’s a transgender dude and a blind black dude and a punky Asian dude and a girl in a wheelchair!” Gross. “Look at all our token casting! All you need to know about them is how they’re different from the rest of the people, which you would have of course found out by just watching the show, but we needed to point it out to you beforehand anyway!” They then describe Our Girl Dani as someone who “looks like Justin Bieber, but is ACTUALLY a girl!” Wow. Swell. ALSO, there are “lots of smart guys who are CUTE, too!” OMG I totally didn’t know that could even happen! I’m, like, so glad there are so many smart-cute people of all sizes on this show!
Aside from these massive superficial stereotypes the show has already boxed these contestants into for us, let me say that they are mostly actually quite charming and interesting. So let’s see what they’re up to this week.
Robert, Glee casting director and mentor and judge for these Glee Project kiddos, gathers everyone around for the reveal of this week’s theme. Oh, there are themes, too! This week it’s Dance-ability! Which you already know from the title of this recap. Oops. Sorry for the spoiler letdown. Our Girl Dani says she’s “not the best of dancers.” Uh oh.
And now the homework song: “We Got the Beat” by the Go-Go’s. I approve of this selection!
As they’re splitting up who will sing each line amongst themselves, we see the first signs of CONFLICT! Yes! Last week everyone was all sweet and hugging each other and stuff, and who wants to see that each week? Boooring. But this week, Sweet Ali was all “I’d love to take this line!” and Mario From Maryland was all “No you ain’t, that’s my line and IT WILL BE MINE.” (Paraphrasing.)
Mario then further explains that it would be too predictable to have the person in the wheelchair – Sweet Ali – sing the “’round and ’round part” of the song while she wheels around. Which is, well, a really good point there, Mario.
So they bicker for a while about choreography and practice a bit and then “Never Lived With Strangers” Taryn goes into the girls’ dorm room and calls her mom and cries. Whoa, wait! This isn’t the time for this to happen! The episode like, just started! All you’ve done is practice a song! It’s probably still morning! I don’t think anyone’s even yelled at you! The time to call your mom and cry is when it’s late and you’re exhausted and everyone’s being mean to you! You clearly did not read your Reality TV Show handbook.
And then, bam. Peace out, bitches! We’re told Taryn has left the competition. After 1.15 episodes. Well. That was weird and not that exciting. We knew from last episode that Taryn felt uneasy about the whole thing, but to go through the whole process of casting, you would think one would have steeled oneself for the harsh realities of reality TV life. Plus, I liked her; she had good sass and a unique voice. Nice not-getting-to-know-you, Taryn. I do really hope you get to do good things.
We also sadly don’t get a dramatic wheeling-your-suitcase-away-through-the-door goodbye scene, because apparently Taryn left quietly without anyone knowing. So we get a Robert-breaking-the-news scene with lots of weepy background music, which is a decent second option. Everyone is shocked and sad. Robert then asks if they can pull themselves through this and, if they can, try their hardest to “still focus on Dance-ability.” Hahaha, saying “Dance-ability” while the emo music is playing and everyone still has their Shocked-Sad faces on is so amazing and hilarious! Probably because it’s not actually a word.
So moving on! Let’s meet our Famous Person Mentor for the week! Yeah, there’s also one of those. See, I knew I was missing stuff. They started off big last week with Lea Michele. This week we have the newest cast member of Glee, and the winner of last year’s Glee Project, Samuel Larson.
Samuel Larson seems like a genuinely great guy. Listen though, when is Naya coming? I just want it to be Naya. Always. Come soon, Naya. We need your face.
But Pumped About the Hot Guys Aylin is REALLY PUMPED about Samuel, y’all. Because he is “SO HOT.” I love Aylin.
Performance time for “We Got the Beat.” I feel like performing these homework songs must be super awkward for them because they’re just performing it for Robert and whatever Famous Person Mentor there is, who both just sort of stand in the corner of the room. Performing for a crowd = exhilarating! Performing for two people = Oh Lord, the worst.
Still, the dancing and overall vibe of this song seems really energetic and fun and great. Although if you’re trying out for a show like Glee and you can’t make “We Got the Beat” energetic and fun, you fail. So, good job not failing, kids! The most exciting part, though, was for the first time we really got to hear Our Girl Dani belt it out. When she sings “Everybody get up on your feet,” it’s so strong and has a little growl for a second and is just good and I wanted to shout “Yeah, girl!” (because remember, she is actually a girl, not Justin Bieber; I know it’s so easy to get confused).
Oh, and apparently Sweet Ali must have won in the end because she did indeed sing the “round and round” part. Sorry, Mario from Maryland. Keep voicing your good ideas anyway.
Robert and Samuel are also real excited about the song! Robert says it may be the best homework assignment they’ve ever seen! Aww. Samuel highlights a few kids who did a great job, and then selects Abraham With the Red Hair as the winner of this section. Abraham is obviously excited but in a very humble-but-not-annoying way, like, “Me, really?” Abraham is cute. I like Abraham.
Which now brings us to the announcement of the Actual Important Song for the Episode: LMFAO‘s “Party Rock Anthem.” Some of the kids scream and jump up and down. Are you really that excited for a song we’ve all heard a million gajillion times? I mean, I’m glad if you are, I guess. I would’ve been OK with some more Go-Go’s, but, I’ll get over it.
Concept for the Video for the Important Song (yeah, there are concepts, too): high school house party. Oh yeah, this won’t be any fun at all.
Zach the Choreographer introduces the idea of spin the bottle for the video; everyone giggles. Does anyone even play spin the bottle at high school house parties? I guess everyone getting drunk and acting stupid wouldn’t have been as camera friendly.
I’ve never actually played spin the bottle, and although I’m sure it does occur, I always picture it as being one of those legendary teenager myths that only occur in books and movies. Maybe after they play spin the bottle, they’ll write in their slam books!
So during the filming, it’s sort of strange because first of all only half the people are in the spin the bottle circle (why were half of them left out?), and they actually make them kiss and stuff. Not that I’m offended by watching people make-out (come on), but it seems a bit voyeuristic of the show since the whole thing is just for filming-a-video purposes. You could have filmed the spinning bottle and people’s laughing faces and it would have been fine.
Anyway, but Pumped About the Hot Guys Aylin gets to make out with everybody, so she’s happy. She and Charlie from Chicago have previously been doing this flirty thing on a couch which I didn’t mention because it was boring. Except for this quote from Charlie, which I found somewhat entertaining: “She’s sexy and has hella swagger. I mean, talent is a real turn on for me.” Right, which is why you mentioned absolutely nothing about talent in that first sentence. Oh Charlie.
But so Aylin makes out with Blake during spin the bottle and Charlie gets pouty and jealous, so then Aylin makes out with him, too. A word of advice, dear Aylin: Making out with boys just so they won’t feel bad is not a path you want to go down.
We also see in a quick clip later that she also apparently kissed Competitive Lily! Which is sort of funny since I think they hate each other.
Moving past spin the bottle, they finish the video, albeit painfully. Everybody hates everything! The judges tell them everything is horrible! They all feel dispirited! Yay! And the video really is sort of an awkward mess.
Here’s the thing, though: this was a horrible song choice. “Party Rock” is not a good song to showcase talented young singers’ voices. I mean, LMFAO doesn’t even sound great in that song! It’s catchy as hell, which is why we keep hearing it, but it’s a damn horrible song to sing. Who chose this song? Awful.
The one bright spot in the video is that Nellie and Dani have a little dancing part and I suddenly realized that I really, really wanted them to fall in love with each other and make out.
Sadly, after the “Party Rock” horror show was over, the bottom three were selected: Competitive Lily (she gets super defensive!), Tyler (for the second time in a row, ouch!), and Our Girl Dani. Sad face.
This was Nellie and Dani trying to defend their dance moves, saying “We practiced them, we had them down, we swear, it just fell apart!” Were you really practicing them, or did it fall apart because you actually spent the whole time making out instead? I hope so.
In critique of her part in the video, Ryan Murphy tells Dani: “You looked like you were at a house party waiting for your ride.” In your defense, Dani, that house party sucked. I would have been waiting for my ride, too.
I also have to make mention of Lily’s critique, since I agreed with the judges on her dance moves, which they hated. Back in the original dance rehearsals, Zach the Choreographer told them to stay away from “wedding moves,” the goofy flailings that people do at weddings to make people laugh. And then Lily did this Beyonce-esque-boob-shaking thing that was pretty much just that. And she proceeded to do that same exact thing for the whole episode. She even said, “I know this is what he said not to do, but I like making people laugh. It’s what I do.”
I cringed. I don’t want to assume I know Lily too well, but this is too often the case with anyone who worries that their appearance might not fit in: they decide their role is to make people laugh. The thinking seems to go, “I’m fat so I can’t dance so I’ll just be ridiculous instead.” No. You’re fat and you can dance and you are beautiful. I’m not saying you can’t be funny, but you can be sexy, too. The fault for this line of thinking of course doesn’t rest with Lily, but I still hate seeing it.
But when Lily sang her bottom-three song for Ryan Murphy (“Man, I Feel Like a Woman”), she danced all around the stage and was sassy and didn’t have to do that ridiculous chest-pumping thing once. She owned it. That’s what I mean, Lily. Keep that attitude. Tone it down on all the obnoxious defensiveness, though.
Dani got to sing Fleetwood Mac‘s “Landslide,” which fit her voice quite well and she did a great job with it. You could tell she was having all the Feels. (Sort of impossible not to do with this song.)
Tyler sang Elton John‘s “Daniel,” which he was much more pleased about than his assignment of “ABC” last week, and I thought he also killed it. A word about Tyler, too: I feel like the judges might be playing up the transitioning-into-his-body thing. If he wants to talk about his struggles as he transitions to his “new” male body, of course, it’s fascinating to hear. But they keep talking about how he’s stiff and uncomfortable and won’t let himself be free because of his transition. But the thing is, he looks fine to me! Maybe it’s just me, but in my eye he looks just as comfortable dancing and singing and performing as anyone else up there.
That said, I did still like Ryan Murphy telling him that he’s brave. “Think of the people who will be inspired by you. Because those kids need role models.”
His words to Dani, however, were a combo compliment-insult. “I think you’re an artist, but I don’t know if you’re a performer.” Ouch. This seems to be the general refrain with all the judges: her talent is undeniable! It’s not even that she doesn’t have stage presence; she does. But she’s too mellow, will never be “perky.” But have they seen her smile? She has a killer smile! She seems pretty happy to me!
So after crying it out in the back room, Robert comes in and tells them the results have been posted. Robert is so sincere with the kids; I really like him. So Dani, Tyler, and Lily walk out to hear the bad news as a united front, linked arm in arm. And maybe I’m just really tired ,but this actually teared me up a bit. Oh, show.
I knew it wouldn’t be Tyler, because despite being in the bottom twice now, his performance was really solid. I was hoping it would be Lily. Although I actually really didn’t like any of the choices in this bottom three – I feel like there were other people who definitely could have been in the bottom instead – I wanted it to be Lily.
It was Dani.
Heartbreak.
Our girl didn’t even get a real chance. Getting kicked off on the second episode of a reality show is the worst; I feel like it’s even worse than being the first one to go. The first episode, everyone is freaked out and frantic; everything is uncertain. But now, you’ve made it past the first round, so you’re granted that slippery, sometimes deceiving, sometimes glorious notion: hope.
I also have questions about how exactly the judging works. While Robert, Zach, and Nikki definitely discuss their own thoughts about the bottom three performers, it seems like Ryan Murphy then says, “IT SHALL BE THIS ONE.” And the other three then don a serious, grim face with maybe a quiet nod, like, “Yeah,” and that seems to be it. Can they argue? Or is Ryan Murphy the end-all-be-all? I reject your fascism, Glee Project!
Anyway. In truth, Dani shouldn’t feel that bad about herself at all. Every criticism was never about her talent; it was about her not being Glee enough. And lady, not being Glee enough isn’t something you should feel bad about. The bottom line: someone give this girl a damn recording contract so she can stop torturing herself on these reality TV shows.
Although these reality TV shows have shown you to the world, Dani, and AfterEllen.com can tell you that the world is excited!
So, as Avril says, keep holding on.
What did you think? Will you keep watching The Glee Project now that Dani’s gone?
Aside from not being able to quit things I’ve gotten sucked into, I still personally want to see how Tyler and Mario and Aylin and all the rest of them end up faring throughout the rest of the season.
Plus, in the preview for next week’s show, we got to hear a preview of some golden lines such as: “They used to call me a crack baby,” and, after a girl gets thrown on the ground, “What you gonna do, bitch?” Draaaaama! Gold! I am there.
