“True Blood” Episode 501 Recap: “Turn! Turn! Turn!”


I’ve been so excited about True Blood’s season premiere that I almost forgot how nasty this show gets. Really my life was going just fine without seeing people’s insides getting ripped out and eaten every Sunday.

Ugh, what am I saying? My life was not fine without True Blood. I take it back! I’m sorry!

And so, it has begun – exactly where we left off, thank goddess. There were about seven million different cliffhangers in the season finale, and I’ve been really hoping that this shit gets handled. As one could have guessed, the shit that got handled got replaced by more shit. Does anyone remember when this show was primarily funny? Now it’s just weird-scary and dramatic, and a little bit funny. I guess I laughed a couple of times, but it was a nervous laughter.

So, we open to see Eric very efficiently speed-cleaning the bloody mess he and Bill made when they killed Nan in the season finale, after she warned them that the Authority was coming for them. I would really like to hire a vampire to clean my room. Bill is in the foreground leaving Jessica a message saying that he’ll BRB and his palace is her palace, etc.

And then for what ever reason, that horrible final scene in which Debbie “J is for Jealous” Werewolf breaks into Sookie’s house, shoots half of Tara’s face off, and then is killed by Sookie is replayed. I really didn’t need to relive this. But this time we get to see that the reason neither Bill nor Eric stepped in to help is because their manly vampire feelings were hurt. Yes, Sookie solved their love triangle by choosing to be with neither party last season, and they returned her really emotionally mature decision with a sound “f–k you.” I mean, OK, I guess at the last moment of several moments of sensing something bad happening to Sookie, Bill was going to do something. But representatives of the Authority showed up and threw a silver chain link blanket thing on he and Eric as soon as they stepped outside. So it doesn’t count.

Lafayette and Sookie hold Tara’s lifeless, bleeding body in their arms. This has been a particularly bad day for dear Lafayette because at the end of last season he killed his boo, Jesus, while possessed by a witch. And now his favorite lesbo cousin is about to die. Too much! This was also upsetting during the season finale because it felt like HBO was playing a mean game of “smear the queer” to my favorite characters.

Then in zooms Pam. Pam! Hey girl I missed you! Pam’s a hot mess because she’s looking for Eric, and really needs to say sorry about the way she mishandled that whole witch situation. Lafayette has the brilliant idea that in order to keep Tara as a character on this show after she’s been shot in the head, she needs to become a vampire, and Pam is just the dead lady to turn her. Pam’s like, “I don’t even like her.” And then she and Sookie barter for it, feminist commune style. Pam mentions Sookie’s “super snatch” as something she would like to barter for, and Sookie is down (that is an approximation of their deal). So Pam is going to turn Tara, even though she’s not sure that with Tara’s head half-missing she won’t rise out of the ground completely “f–ktarded.”

I would just like to point out the absence of consent here, as we ponder how Tara will feel upon waking up a vampire.

If you recall, during the season finale, our simple friend Jason Stackhouse accidentally opened his door to that twink reverend, Steve, from a few seasons back. I thought he was dead, but now he’s a vampire! Great. He has a lovely button up plaid shirt on, with a lavender sweater tied around his shoulders in the French way. Did he always look so gay? Jason, who I guess I just realized is naked, calls Steve’s fangs “twin hard-ons.” I’m super grossed out by that thought, especially since fangs emerge from the mouth.

While we are all recovering from that image, let’s go visit Sam. At the conclusion of last season, Sam and Alcide killed Marcus, the werewolf pack leader, because Marcus killed Sam’s brother who had skin-walked as Sam — Marcus thought the brother was Sam, and Sam is sleeping with Marcus’s ex. Drama-rama! Now werewolves surround Sam, the leader of which transforms into an angry-hot lady with long flowing hair just barely covering her boobs. It’s amazing to me that she managed to turn back into a human and have her hair-bra in place perfectly. I feel like that would be difficult. So, she’s looking for Marcus, and is pretty sure that Sam killed him. Sam luckily turns into a bird and flies away to avoid conflict. And other life skills I wish I could develop!

Sookie and Lafayette are busy burying Tara and Pam in her backyard so that Pam can be there when Tara hopefully wakes up as a vampire. Pam has changed into an all-yellow Wal-Mart sweat suit for team spirit and she actually looks kind of cute. Sookie wants to know if Pam is supposed to hold Tara, and now I’m wondering if maybe eventually Pam and Tara will end up holding each other, in a sexy way? Maybe that wouldn’t work though, because I honestly don’t know who the top would be, right?

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