“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.01): We can’t help who we love

When last we left our intrepid homicide detective Jane Rizzoli and adept medical examiner Dr. Maura Isles things were – oh, let’s not beat about the bush – things were bad. Like deep doo-doo, there is no card from Hallmark that can fix this, I am sleeping on the couch until the next millennium bad. Or, as Jane succinctly puts it, “I just shot my best friend’s father.” I’d replace “best friend” with “lady lover whose lady bits I love to love,” but you know – semantics.

Right, so, status check: Things are bad, Jane is upset, Maura is upset and Papa Paddy Doyle is on a stretcher and, wait, did you see Maura’s boots? OK, OK, focus. Jane is fretting to Korsak that Maura hates her now. Korsak says she doesn’t and to please keep him out of their lover’s spats. Then Maura comes in all angry, squinty face and throws Jane’s blazer at her. Hm, do you think this has happened before? Say in an argument about the dishes?

Maura yells at Jane. And it’s hard not to note the hate when she spits out the term “boyfriend” while taking Jane to task about Agent Dean busting in to the operation. Jane yells at Maura. And it’s hard not to note the hurt when she calls Maura “naive or ignorant.” Can we please just fast forward to the kiss and make up phase, ladies? Korsak echoes all of fandom when he consoles Jane with a reassuring, “You guys will make up.”

Jane says they said the same thing about The Beatles. So does that make Agent Dean Yoko? Jane continues to fret and says they should never have let her precious Maura go undercover in the first place. And then Jane flashes back to putting the wire on her beforehand in a scene I lovingly like to call Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Groping. Because there’s a whole lot more than just “touching” going on there. I also call it proof that the Rizzoli & Isles writers love their lesbian fans and want us to be happy. Because, you know, come on.

To quote Willow Rosenberg Xander Harris, “Hands! Hands in new places!” Though, who are we kidding, those aren’t entirely new places for our ladies. Ahem. Based on the looks Jane and Maura were shooting each other during the TGTGG segment alone, if you slowed this scene down, hit mute and put on some Barry White it would be illegal in 14 states.

But even without the ridiculous hand placement to eye sex ratio, the banter between these two is clearly just coded bedroom talk. Third nipples, chunky flak jackets and Donnie Brasco role play – wow, that’s going to make for some very interesting, very smutty fanfic. Get on that, ladies.

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