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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.01): We can’t help who we love

When last we left our intrepid homicide detective Jane Rizzoli and adept medical examiner Dr. Maura Isles things were — oh, let’s not beat about the bush — things were bad. Like deep doo-doo, there is no card from Hallmark that can fix this, I am sleeping on the couch until the next millennium bad. Or, as Jane succinctly puts it, “I just shot my best friend’s father.” I’d replace “best friend” with “lady lover whose lady bits I love to love,” but you know — semantics.

Right, so, status check: Things are bad, Jane is upset, Maura is upset and Papa Paddy Doyle is on a stretcher and, wait, did you see Maura’s boots? OK, OK, focus. Jane is fretting to Korsak that Maura hates her now. Korsak says she doesn’t and to please keep him out of their lover’s spats. Then Maura comes in all angry, squinty face and throws Jane’s blazer at her. Hm, do you think this has happened before? Say in an argument about the dishes?

Maura yells at Jane. And it’s hard not to note the hate when she spits out the term “boyfriend” while taking Jane to task about Agent Dean busting in to the operation. Jane yells at Maura. And it’s hard not to note the hurt when she calls Maura “naive or ignorant.” Can we please just fast forward to the kiss and make up phase, ladies? Korsak echoes all of fandom when he consoles Jane with a reassuring, “You guys will make up.”

Jane says they said the same thing about The Beatles. So does that make Agent Dean Yoko? Jane continues to fret and says they should never have let her precious Maura go undercover in the first place. And then Jane flashes back to putting the wire on her beforehand in a scene I lovingly like to call Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Groping. Because there’s a whole lot more than just “touching” going on there. I also call it proof that the Rizzoli & Isles writers love their lesbian fans and want us to be happy. Because, you know, come on.

To quote Willow Rosenberg Xander Harris, “Hands! Hands in new places!” Though, who are we kidding, those aren’t entirely new places for our ladies. Ahem. Based on the looks Jane and Maura were shooting each other during the TGTGG segment alone, if you slowed this scene down, hit mute and put on some Barry White it would be illegal in 14 states.

But even without the ridiculous hand placement to eye sex ratio, the banter between these two is clearly just coded bedroom talk. Third nipples, chunky flak jackets and Donnie Brasco role play — wow, that’s going to make for some very interesting, very smutty fanfic. Get on that, ladies.

Now that we’ve all recovered enough from the groping to use multi-syllabic words, Jane is being hassled by Internal Affairs about the whole sorted situation. How long has she known Paddy was Maura’s dad? How long has she known Agent Dean? Does she sleep with all of her colleagues? Hey, hey, hey, mister — what Jane and Maura do in their private time together is private. Don’t get all pervy just because it’s two hot chicks getting it on like randy bunnies. Sheesh. The nerve.

The interview is interrupted when Jane and Korsak have to investigate the shooting of a cop. On her way out, she runs into Agent Limpy, who is up and around after getting shot by Paddy in the leg. Jane says she betrayed him. Bella’s dad does his normal hang-dog thing. And then Jane gives him the what-for about messing up her relationship with Maura. Because we all know that’s what she’s really mad about. Shoot him in the other leg, Jane. We all know it’s totally justified.

At the scene of the cop shooting, our unbeloved Dr. Pike is there making us all miss Maura that much more. Jane goes for the flattery-will-get-you-everywhere approach, and indeed it does. She even feigns criticism of Maura’s “wishy washy approach” to crime scene investigation. Faux insulting her one and only in public? These are dark times indeed.

Maura meanwhile is confiding her feelings in Jane’s mom. She says she feels bad for biting Jane’s head off about Paddy. Angela reassures her saying, “We can’t help who we love.” Say hello to Mama Rizzoli, the biggest Rizzles shipper on the planet. Maura gets emotional and Mama R goes in for a hug. But Maura pushes her away saying she’s very reserved and not a hugger. Mama R says Jane and her have that in common. Yet Jane and Maura have absolutely no problem hugging each other. I’m just saying, photos don’t lie.

Maura tells Mama R she should go home. When she balks, Maura tells her she’s “used to being alone.” First she lies about the hugging. Now she lies about being alone. Maura, I have to say, I believe Jane’s been a bad influence on you — in the best way possible.

Speaking of Jane, she is rushing to the hospital to talk with Maura. She wants to talk with her about the Internal Affairs in investigation and get her to lie about what happened. Well, clearly that shouldn’t be a problem. Maura says, “I’m sorry too” as soon as she sees her. But Jane doesn’t have time and wants to talk about the IA investigation instead. Ouch, gotta take 25 Girlfriend Points away for you for that move, babe. This of course pisses Maura off more and then the investigators show up to question her. So will she still lie for Jane? Come on, does anyone actually believe Maura would flip on Jane? Wait, I just heard how that sounded out loud. Giggity.

The investigators keep razzing Maura about Paddy’s “book,” which supposedly has all the names of Boston’s dirty cops, and other officials, in it. Maura snaps back that, “Jane isn’t dirty.” Well, not in that way at least. Giggity giggity, giggity goo. Paddy wakes up just enough to grab the lead IA investigator’s arm angrily and then whisper, “The book will keep you safe” at Maura. Hey, I just solved this case. Good thing no one really cares about the crime stuff.

Back at the Isles Estates, Jane pokes her head in and asks Mama R if her honey is home. The coast is clear, so Jane skulks in all, “My girlfriend is angry at me, ma!” Mama R offers her some nice, soothing tea because we all know how much gay ladies love their tea. She says the tea gets its flavor from Pandas, to which Jane says that means it’s grown in panda poop. Hm, I always prefer mine brewed from tiger urine.

Mama R says she’ll fix Jane something else instead and asks her what she wants to eat. Jane replies, “people.” No, no, no, Jane — you mean “person.” As in one person. As in Maura. As in I really don’t think that’s something you should tell your mom no matter how close you two are.

Jane whines some more. And also complains about the “cheery” drawing in Maura’s place of a woman crying at a grave. Mama R says it was drawn by one of Mother Isles’ students. I’m with Jane, that’s not exactly something you hang in your house without a good reason. More on that later. Mama R, who was gets her second denied hug of the day, this time from Jane, asks to pat her daughter’s knee instead and then does so with great vigor. Gosh she’s cute. I want her to be my mama and cook me big Italian meals. But maybe not move in with my girlfriend — we have to draw the line somewhere.

Mama R tells Jane she and her father once went to see a marriage counselor. She says one thing that helped was when the doctor made them tell him the story of how they met. Jane replies, “Maura and I aren’t a couple, ma.” I know, Jane — it’s hard to admit the truth. But, believe me, once you admit to yourself and the world who you really are, life gets so much better. The closet is a terrible place to live, even if it is filled with many, many very butch pantsuits.

Mama R agrees and commits hug assault on Jane until she relents and agrees to tell the story of how she met Maura. Good job, ma, keeping our ‘ship alive. Jane says she was working undercover as a hooker in the drug unit. She was trying to buy coffee and a doughnut at the cafeteria without money or an ID. Maura walked in, gave those long, tall legs in fishnets one look and rushed over to pay for Jane’s food. But not before she pointedly put on a latex glove. No glove, no love, ladies. Safety first.

Maura then suggested given Jane’s apparent “night work” she might want to eat some plain yogurt and leafy greens instead. And then they bickered, because even right from their very first meeting Jane and Maura bickered like an old married couple. Not a couple my ass.

Maura walks in to them laughing at the memory of it and is even more miffed. She says Jane shouldn’t be there during the investigation. Jane asks her what she told investigators and Maura says she can’t say. So Jane tells her ma to pack her stuff because she’s not staying there. Mama R chastises her with a firm, “Jane Clementine Rizzoli.” And then everyone’s heads swivel. Clementine? To quote Det. Jane Clementine Rizzoli: Really? REALLY?!

Mama R reluctantly agrees to leave, but not before Maura gives her that creepy grave drawing because she’s “always hated it.” Mama R leaves saying, “You’re like my daughter, too.” God, is she like the best PFLAG mom or what? And then Maura finally gives her that hug because man, has that woman earned a hug for all she’d done to try to get those two kids to make up.

The next morning at Casa Rizzoli, Jane is sleeping and we see a female hand gently reach up and play with her hair. Well, now the Rizzoli & Isles writers are just teasing us. They know we’re dying for the post-coital morning-after make-up sex scene between Jane and Maura. But instead it’s just Mama R there to remind Jane who isn’t waking up next to her instead.

Later in the kitchen it’s a Rizzoli family reunion as Frankie is there to have his mama make him breakfast. Jane rushes off to work, but then there’s a knock at the door. It’s Agent Droopy Face with another bouquet of pink flowers. Jane promptly throws them in the garbage.

Then he tells her she’s being set up by someone inside the police department, but more importantly that he’s been ordered back to Washington. Jane gives him a peck on the cheek, which I can only assume is a thank you for no longer being a complication between her and Maura. And that’s the end of Agent Dean. Gosh, he will not be missed.

Later back in autopsy, Jane and Frost are trying to contain their contempt for Dr. Pike. Jane goes the flattery route again, to get him to give them the .44-caliber bullet that killed the cop. It works, and as they go to leave Maura stalks back into her office. Jane saunters over, all, “Oh, you’re back. I hardly noticed. Please love me.”

Then the butchiest/femmiest conversation ever happens.

Maura: Did you ever return my book “Soothing Paint Choices for the Home”? 

Jane: Yeah, a long time ago. So, you’re back.

Maura: That’s odd because I can’t seem to find it.

Jane: Did you ever return my Guns of the World digest?

Sheesh, they might as well have borrowed each other’s copies of “Who’s Your Daddy” and “Femme for All Seasons.” Pike walks in on them as they’re — you guessed it — bickering. Jane calls Maura “Poindexter the Know It All.” Maura calls Jane the “Hoi polloi” — ancient Greek for “The Great Unwashed.” This naturally escalates the argument, after Jane learns what it means, and then the insults really start flying. Jane says people laugh at Maura behind her back. Maura says they call Jane a bitch behind hers. Father insults get thrown. And then Jane pulls out the Snooki cards. Maura has apparently watched that show once “for ethnographic research.”

The chief breaks up their argument and then the lead IA investigator comes in and calls it a catfight. Jane — and all of womankind — whips around and says, “Did you really just call a disagreement between two female colleagues a catfight?” Yes, yes he did. Shoot him, Jane!

Investigator Douchenozzle demands Jane be put on leave. The chief transfers her from homicide to Evidence Management instead. Jane pleads her case to no avail. Then Pike asks what punishment will be meted out to Dr. Isles and she makes it easy for him. She hands in her letter of resignation. I think Jane and Maura’s faces here say all I need to say about what I think about this turn of events.

Maura returns to the Isles Estate, only to find her place has been tossed. Whoever broke into her townhouse was looking for Paddy’s “book,” filled with all of the city’s dirty cops, politicians and judges. Which is all fine and good, but what Korsak really wants to tell Maura when he gets there is that Jane didn’t know Agent Dean would be at the sting. Aw, gotta love Korsak for trying to get our girls back together. He’s a shipper, too.

Stuck in Evidence Management, Jane is miserable. Frost shows up to cheer her up with coffee and jokes about his penis size. Actually, for a dick joke it was actually pretty cute. They decide to shoot some of the seized guns for fun before they get melted down. Jane grabs a .44-caliber Desert Eagle and gets to firing. I could think of some non-biological phallus-shaped object humor I could use right now, but we keep things classy here. And, yes, I mean dildo jokes.

After blowing off some steam with a large caliber firearm, Jane retrieves the spent ammunition when she notices something familiar — that being the grooves on the bullet. Yes, she has a photographic memory for the nearly microscopic markings on bullets. Just go with it. They compare the bullets, it’s a match for the one that killed the cop. And, as we all already knew from 30 minutes ago, there’s a dirty cop in their ranks.

Turns out the dead cop was shot because he was on Paddy’s payroll. He was helping to get the crime boss seized weapons from the police. The detectives go into evidence to find the guns, but what they find instead is one of the dead IA investigators. Just then the lead IA investigator walks in because he has the best, most non-coincidental timing ever. Is it wrong that I really want Jane to use that gun on him?

They search for the missing guns and find them in Paddy Doyle’s old case evidence boxes. Jane also finds a picture that looks suspiciously like the drawing of the crying woman at the grave site from Maura’s place. So she rushes off because even in the midst of a major cop killing case and career-threatening IA investigation, the most important thing on Jane’s mind is Maura.

She compares the picture with the drawing and, yep, it’s the same lady. So then she rushes off to the hospital to confront Mother Isles, who is at Paddy’s bedside. The woman in the photo is indeed Maura’s biological mother. Paddy took art classes from Mother Isles at Harvard and that’s when he drew the picture. He told her he used to meet the mystery woman in the cemetery, because it was the only place safe from his father. Then one day he showed up at Mother Isles’ with a baby and said the mother had died. And he told his father the baby had died. Well, that’s one way to rush an adoption.

Jane and Mama R go to the cemetery and see the gravestone of “Baby Maura Doyle.” OK, that’s creepy. And then Jane finally relents and lets her mama hug her because even the thought of a world without Maura is too much for her to bear.

Then she gets an idea and digs a little in front of the gravestone. No, not that kind of idea. Sicko. She finds a bag and in it is the infamous “book.” So she brings it to the hospital to the lead IA investigator, but not before she took a peek inside. Yes, as we all realized ages ago, he is the dirty cop. He threatens Jane with the Dessert Eagle. See, I told her she should have shot him with it when she had the chance. But our Janey is one smart cop and took out the firing pin.

The good guys rush in, the bad guy is arrested. Maura comes in and asks Paddy is he would have shot Jane in the warehouse. He says hell yeah, she’s a cop. And thus The Great Deep Freeze of 2012 is ended. So Jane promptly tells her, “I’ve got something I’ve got to show you.” I know you do, detective, I know you do.

She takes Maura to her empty baby grave, which wasn’t exactly the romantic spot I was hoping for. Maura gets emotional and Jane asks if there’s anything she can do. Maura asks her to leave. We all groan at the make-up sex interrupts. But then she stop Jane as she’s walking away and tells her to, “Tell Pike I want my chair back.” And Jane leaves with a smile.

Maura’s back, and it’s just a matter of time before these two are eye sexing and TGTGTing each other like the LLBFFs that we all know and love that they are. Gosh, I’ve missed those two lovebirds.

Now, on to your #gayzzoli tweets. A short selection from the season premiere.

And finally a big congratulations for all you Rizzles Girls out there. You got #gayzzoli trending on the show’s very first night back. Look out, season 3 — it’s gonna be a gay gay gay year.

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