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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.01) — Show me your boobs

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, demigod Alison DiLaurentis harnessed the power of the elements to bestow four unique spells upon four Little Liars. For Hanna Marin, Hobo Revelio, an incantation meant for tracking down and eliminating peepers and creepers. Hanna, however, used her magic to find true love with a computer hacking vagabond. For Spencer Hastings, Suscipio Wackopedismarts, a charm to summon the collective knowledge of the internet and infuse it into one’s own brain parts. Alison intended Spencer to amass her wisdom and build an arsenal of nuclear weapons for Alison’s own personal disposal. Instead, Spencer sought straight As and perfect SAT scores. For Aria Montgomery, Bestia Conquestus, an enchantment to give its caster control over the minds of animals. It was an army of monsters Alison wanted, but it was fanged and folklorian jewelry Aria created.

And finally, for Emily Fields, Sappho Incendio, a hex to destroy the eyeballs or organs of any girl on earth. But Emily Fields’ heart was too pure to power such sorcery, and so in her graceful benevolence she created a counter-conjure, which she cast into the night under the light of a harvest moon – and lo, the hearts of women did catch fire! But the flames were affection! The blazes were passion! The embers were devotion! An entire generation of extradimensionally attractive women lit up with lesbonic urges! And they, each and every one, set out on a pilgrimage to Rosewood, PA to win the heart of young Miss Fields.

Some have lived. Some have died. Still, they journey on.

But Alison DilLaurentis knew us all in our hearts before the creation of the world. She knew the four Liars would betray her. In her foresight, she also crafted magical friendship bracelets. Four for the Liars, a half dozen spares for the Gatsby pawn shop, none for Gretchen Weiners. And one friendship bracelet to rule them all, one friendship bracelet to find them, one friendship bracelet to bring them all, and in mortal peril bind them!

The Precious was bestowed upon Mona Vandwerwaal. For season upon season, Mona sojurned In Town – and then, as the prophecies foretold, she cloaked herself in a black hoodie and struck back against Alison’s betrayers. “Game on, bitches!” was her battle cry, and the game, indeed, was on. She poisoned, she blackmailed, she baked cupcakes, she drowned hobbits. She sacrificed herself on the altar of a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA.

And now she sits in Radley Sanitorium, where once again … she lies in wait.

It has been five months since Garrett was arrested for killing Alison and Mona was carted off to Radley Sanitorium, looking inexplicably sexier than ever. Despite the fact that Peter Hastings is a pyromaniac and also the fact that shit just explodes in Rosewood on the regular, that barn in Spencer’s yard it still standing. And a lightning storm is surrounding the barn like always. Like William Carlos Williams is in there channeling Ali’s spirit.

The Liars are catching up after a summer of torture-free bliss. Spencer used a Time-Turner to earn her master’s degree from Hollis College in three months; Aria hosted her first photography exhibit, a series of black and white portraits of lovers with paper bags superimposed over their faces, which the The Rosewood Gazette called, “frankly fucking terrifying”; Hanna bought one of those “Word of the Day” books to read while watching her soaps; and Emily built houses in Haiti and tried to come to grips with the axe-murder of yet another girl she loved. Emily’s drunker than a peach orchard boar, and when the Liars try to curb her liquor intake, she shuts them down by snapping, “You can tell me how much to drink when Toby and Ezra and Caleb get hit by a meteor and mauled by a rhinoceros and sniped by a serial killer, respectively.” It’s Rosewood, so that might happen tomorrow, but in the meantime, they let her seek comfort in the open arms of her flask.

This whole thing is purposefully, awesomely pilot flashback-y, and so of course the Liars wake up in the middle of the night to find that the thunder has consumed another one of their number. This time it’s Emily. But don’t worry – she didn’t sneaky-creep up to the kissing rock to dry hump Ian; she just wandered on down to Rosewood Cemetery to dig up Ali’s grave with her bare hands.

Theme song! Secret, keep it, wocket, pocket, grave. You know the drill.

The Liars track down Emily in the graveyard hovering over Ali’s empty – empty, I said! – grave with a shovel and a smirk, and Spencer Spencers into action: “Wipe the prints! Bury the shovel! Man the battle stations! Steady the lesbian!” Unfortunately there are only two people on this show who can be trusted to destroy criminal evidence and Aria and Hanna are neither of them. They walk about four steps away from the grave, sprinkle some leaves on top of the shovel, dust off their hands, and call it a day.

Back at the Hastings’, Spencer seriously goes, “Emily, undress for me.” And Emily tugs at her shirt and goes, “All of it?” And Spencer says, “All of it.” I’m not making that up. I promise. That’s what happens. And then #BooRadleyVanCullen’s collective brain explodes. Then Emily throws her shirt onto the fire and #BooRadleyVanCullen’s collective heart explodes. Sure, Emily’s going to dilly-dally with a boy for a minute in an upcoming episode or two, but that’s life, man. She’s seventeen years old. She’s grieving. Cut her some slack with that. Her real crime against lesbianism is destroying a plaid button-up. It hurts me to see that checkered tartan go up in flames. It hurts me in my soul.

On their way back from the graveyard, Hanna and Aria spy Lucas be-bopping around the town square in the middle of the night, no doubt harboring ill will toward the Liars, and probably his shoes are covered in mud too. The scoundrel! By the time they arrive back at Spencer’s, she’s got all their shit packed up and for one glorious minute I thought she was going to be like, “That’s it. We’re leaving this town forever and moving to Oregon to start our own lesbian commune in honor of Maya St. Germain.” But no, she just wants to hotfoot it up to the lake house so their midnight alibi will be as far away from Ali’s empty grave as possible.

The Liars spend the night on Nana’s fornication couch and when Spencer’s mom calls in the morning to break the news that Alison’s body has been stolen, Spencer’s like, “That is brand new information! By chance, did anyone see us in the graveyard last night wearing hard hats and brandishing pickaxes and driving bulldozers? No? Well, of course they didn’t; we’ve been here all night!” They tighten up their story, agree to stick together, and continue to overlook the very real possibility that Mona cut off her own hand and boiled it with Maya’s heart and Noel Kahn’s scalp and one of those horcrux dolls to reunite Alison’s broken soul with her teenage body.

Emily is in that doom spiral where you get f–ked up and then feel guilty about getting f–ked up so you get f–ked some more which makes you feel even more guilty which makes you get even more f–ked up until it’s like vodka in your Cheerios and ambien for lunch and next thing you know you’re complimenting Aria on her accessories.

Back in Rosewood, Ezbian and Aria are napping and reading, which is literally my favorite thing in the world to do on a date. Like, when my girlfriend and I first started chatting to each other, I was all, “Basically, my deal is books and TV and sleeping and eating dinner at 4:30. Sometimes I play shuffleboard with the other retirees in my old folks home.” And my girlfriend was like, “That sounds perfect.” And I knew we were meant to be. Just like these two lesbians knew they were meant to be that fateful day one year ago when they bullshitted each other about Ulysses before doing it on the sink in the bathroom of a restaurant that never existed after the pilot. Ezra makes my favorite joke this show has ever done. Aria goes, “You still haven’t finished that book?” And he goes, “No one has.” It’s funny because it’s true. They agree to celebrate their anniversary instead of the anniversary of Alison’s death. Because every day is a Deathday Party for Ali, and even the most patient guy in the world needs a break from that shit once a year.

Ashley thinks taking Hanna shopping will be just the thing to get her mind off the anniversary of Ali’s death/the exhumation of Ali’s body. She sizes up a few dresses and asks for Hanna’s input. Basically, she wants something that says “casual sex” without saying “slutty,” which grosses Hanna out so bad. Ashley’s like, “Mama needs to get laid, and not in that hooker-y way that keeps your ass out of jail, OK?” Veronica Hastings has the same idea about retail therapy, which gives her and Ashley a chance to talk over the latest federal offense their children may or may not have committed: “We’re still sure our kids aren’t running some kind of teenage criminal mastermind mob, right? This grave-robbing thing was all Garrett?” “Yes, of course. They were together at your lake house eating Marshmallows and reading the Bible.”

Spencer wants to catch a movie to shut off her brain, like that’s a thing that could ever possibly happen. Like you could flip a switch and turn off the sun. But Hanna has an appointment with Dr. Sullivan.

Baloney! Hanna’s got an appointment with Mona Vanderperfection! Mona perfectly stares at the wall with her perfect face and doesn’t blink and doesn’t intimate that she senses Hanna’s presence and doesn’t move and doesn’t talk. So Hanna has a seat and reads a J. Crew catalog out loud to her. It’s one of those things that’s kind of sweet and kind of hilarious, that Hanna would take the time to do that exact Hanna thing for/with Mona, but I think you miss the larger picture if you don’t focus on the dialogue. To wit: “You cannot find a top this season without feathers on it.” Translation: “Aria has won.”

Seriously, though, Hanna grappling with Mona’s betrayal is, to me, the most heart-wrenching thing this show has ever done, and I think maybe that’s because I can’t relate to losing a girlfriend to axe-murder, but I can relate to that child-of-divorce Messiah complex about holding your whole world together with your tiny Hufflepuff hands and blaming yourself for all eternity if anyone you love ever slips free. Hanna tells Mona she keeps visiting because she needs to know what she did wrong, and it’s horrible and it’s perfect and Hanna’s always going to be the one who carries her arch-enemies from burning buildings. And Hanna’s always going to be the one who sees the Jean Grey love of her life inside that telepathic, sociopathic, solar-system-melting Phoenix shell.

Speaking of omega-level mutants, Dr. Wren is working the Radley Sanitorium beat today. A couple of eyeball transplants at Rosewood General in the morning, physical therapy for patients with glass in their hair in the afternoon, and some electroshock therapy at Radley in the evening. Just another day at the office for Rosewood’s only practicing medical professional. He tells Hanna she’s never going to get answers from a mentally ill person, and Mona watches from the crack in the door, and is perfect.

Emily’s been carrying that scarf Maya gave her around Haiti all summer long. She unpacks it and wraps it around a framed photo of them in happier/live-er times and wishes Maya had left some of her weed behind. It’s a sad, sad state of affairs, made totally worse by Pam (hi, Pam!) stopping by to let her know some reporters are camped out on the porch if/when she feels like talking about the murder of either of her girlfriends.

One of the reasons I’m the worst AfterEllen employee ever is that I always choose the wrong photos for our annual Hot 100 because I think girls look the sexiest in t-shirts and messy ponytails. So, hey there, Troian Bellisario, Hot 100 winner of my heart.

Spencer tries to get Toby to do the sex with her and he’s like, “Nah.” Which: Hahaha! I am so sure! Spencer keeps ignoring calls from unknown numbers and acting squirrely when anyone asks her who’s calling. She’s got secrets! Hanna’s got secrets! Lucas has got secrets!

Yeah, at school the next day, Lucas skulks around and scowls and growls and tries to bite off the fingers of anyone who reaches out to pet his furry wittle head. It’s registration day. Hanna signs up for AP English because of her new love of vocabulary. Aria signs up for Photography because Jenna has scarred her from every trying her hand at Pottery again. Spencer signs up for Everything because she’s still got that Time-Turner. And Emily looks on sadly from the courtyard and thinks she should probably stop loving the Liars so much lest they find themselves cursed by her affection like Maya, and Allison before her. “No more bodies in no more barns,” Emily promises herself.

I haven’t mentioned how fantastic Aria’s hair looks this season, but it looks so good and I got so mad watching this episode because that Jane By Design logo was taking up half the screen and covering it up! Anyway, you’ve seen this scene ten thousand times by now. Aria has a panic attack when she spies a black hoodie through the bathroom stall and the Liars come running and hug her and calm her down and Hanna says “jubilation” and I love her so much right now I’m about to burst with it.

This is the part of the show where the Liars all wander off and do their own things. This week that means Aria and Ella expositing about how they’ve finally come to terms with Byron’s horribleness and a divorce is in the works. Aria’s like, “I can’t go a full scene without talking about Ezra, so is this divorce Ezra’s fault?” Ella says no, of course not; it’s Mike’s fault. And oh, they giggle and then of course talk about The Empty Grave some more. Hanna and Caleb cook dinner and act adorable until Wren calls to say that Mona is making progress and also he hasn’t made out with any drunk teenagers in a while, so how’s about bringing some scotch up to the loony bin for some British therapy and French kissing. Emily and Toby meet in Rosewood’s first-ever other restaurant to see whose sad face is the saddest. (Toby’s by default, Emily’s by murder proximity.) And Spencer – Jesus Christ, Hastings. Where the hell are you going? Back to the Lost Woods Resort all by yourself? Of course you are. Spencer’s trying to recreate A’s lair with her mind.

Ezra has installed a tracking chip into one of Aria’s molars like how you can get a homing device put into your dog’s tail in case they run away. On anyone else, this would be creepy, but when Aria made the decision to fly around town in a tin can airplane with imaginary Vivian Darkbloom’s imaginary boyfriend, she brought it upon herself. Anyway, the chip alerts Ezra that Aria’s been carted off to jail again, so down to the station he goes, and Ella punches him right in the vagina, like always when this scenario happens. He’s like, “Love, love, love.” And she’s like, “Look, I’ll explain it to you once more: When Aria inevitably is tried before a jury of her peers, it’s going to be a big enough PR nightmare without your statutory shenanigans on full historical display.” The three of them go to dinner to celebrate Aria and Ezra’s first scissoring anniversary.

Emily’s out for a jog – Shay Mitchell, you are gorgeous! – when she sees a car that looks like the car JennaBot drove to meet the person she gave the gun to in the season finale. That sentence is a mess, but you know what I mean. Emily has a flashback that makes me think JennaBot got her hands on some CIA-caliber hallucinogens, kidnapped Emily, and put her fingerprints on every murder weapon in the tri-state area or something. But maybe Emily’s flashing back to that blackout night she mentioned to Toby from when she was in Haiti. God, please don’t let her be roofied and pregnant. I will jump out of a damn window.

As she’s flashing on her MDMA-fuelled kidnapping, she gets a text talking about, “Hey, girl! Remember me?” So she goes running to the Liars to explain her lies. It is at this time that Hanna also confesses to her lies. And so does Spencer. She drags the Liars’ asses way the hell up to the Lost Woods resorts and they go, “Ems, we have to tell you something that’s going to make you go off the rails even more than right the way you’re going off the rails right now. When we came up here to clean out A’s lair the night Maya died and Mona went to jail? Well, someone had already taken all the things.” Emily’s like, “Who? Who took them? The police? Batman? Alison’s zombie corpse?”

No one knows the answer to this question, but before Spencer can just pull someone out of the air at random and latch onto that theory like a dog with a bone, her car alarm goes off. The Liars run outside and find all the doors open and the hatch open and every single surface covered with photos of them standing around Ali’s empty grave. Their phones ding, one by one, and then they read aloud in unison because God does exist and he loves us very much: “Mona played with dolls, I play with body parts. Game on, Bitches. – A”

Show, you are the light of my life. Never leave me again. 

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