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Great LezBritain: “Lip Service” Recap – Season 2, Episode 6

Well this is an episode that will find itself on the “Most Watched” section of the iPlayer for the next four years or until it stops being sexy and funny and sad and tense and wondrous, which we’d wager will be never. It’s also the last one, which is upsetting because it feels like we’ve all just got settled in together and kicked our shoes off and we no longer feel the need to wear make-up around each other or pretend to like jazz so we seem interesting.

Anyway, we do go on a bit, let’s get started.

Sam is having a wash in the bathroom, which is good, because hygiene is good, but also she’s topless. As she splashes her face, she looks at herself for a long time in the mirror, searching for something, searching for herself. It’s the opening night of Uncle Vanya and Tess can’t believe it’s already here. Much like the nation of Lip Servants who are currently retracing their steps from the last six weeks asking themselves how they can be watching the final episode of Lip Service already.

She tells Sadie and Lexy at the breakfast table that she’s had “the dream.” The one where she’s onstage naked and everyone can see her ladygarden. Ed arrives and Sadie drily tells him that Tess is having a breakdown. To Tess’s utter joy, Lexy gives her an opening night gift which is enclosed in a pink box.

Lee: Is this just a pink box. Or should we be reading this as a metaphor for what will happen between Lexy and Tess later? Sarah: I would need to see the inside of the pink box before commenting.

Tess is eager beaver to dive straight into Lexy’s pink box, but Lexy says, no, wait until later, and Tess cutely does as she’s told because darn it she loves Lexy.

Through a mouthful of cereal Sadie demands her ticket for the play. Tess hands them out saying all of their names like a schoolteacher, until she has one left and does an awkward “Saaa.” Ed asks if anyone has heard from Saaaam, but no, the fraught cop has not been answering anyone’s calls.

Tess heads for the shower — another good example of hygiene — and Ed asks if anyone has someone they’d like to bring on the extra ticket. Lexy absentmindedly says yes, and then no that they wouldn’t want a ticket when Ed asks who the lady might be.

Sadie: No offence, but seeing how I’m the only one who’s likely to be getting any later – (Takes the ticket.)
Sadie leaves and the camera stays on Lexy’s face looking thoughtful. We definitely think she’s thinking of Sam. This is probably what you’re thinking too. But we said it first. Some of you probably think she’s thinking about Tess, but we think you’re wrong. A few porn shots of Glasgow later and Tess is trying to decide what to wear to the party after the play that night. She calls on Lexy and holds up a gorgeous gold dress — honestly the Lip Service wardrobe lady should get an award for Tess’s clothes, they’re so wicked.
Tess: What do you think about this, I don’t think I’ve got the legs? Lexy: Are you kidding? You’ve got great legs.
Lexy gets ready to leave for work and Tess looks like a girl who has just been told she has great legs by the girl she’s besotted with.
Tess: Listen, thanks for all your support and everything, it means a lot. Lexy: That’s alright. Tess: I just hope I don’t make a tit of myself. Lexy: (affectionately) You’re always making a tit of yourself.
Lexy goes if for a kiss on the cheeks but somehow it turns into a very, very slight snog. They both pull away awkwardly.
Tess: That’s a really nice lip balm you’re wearing. What is it? Lexy: It’s a medicated Chapstick. Tess: (joking) Super sexy.
The awkwardness has passed and Lexy pats Tess on the arm and leaves for work promising to get the drinks in that night.

Ed and Tess are drinking tea in the flat while Tess is worrying about what Lexy will think of her performance in the play, all the time, tap, tap tapping on Lexy’s pink box. Now that he’s out of Nasty Nora-land, Ed finally realises that Tess has a massive crush on Lexy. Tess tells him she just can’t be sure if Lexy likes her or not. Ed fuels a positive interpretation by telling her that Lexy mentioned that there was someone she liked who didn’t need a ticket to the show. He thinks this could be Tess, because she’s in the show and wouldn’t need a ticket. They celebrate this thought by finally opening the box which contains a mini bottle of champagne for after the performance and some Imodium tablets for before the performance. Lee: So the box is open wide, what say you? Sarah: I say this is a friendship box, not a sexy box. It’s not a gesture, like a piece of wood. Lee: Why are you bringing up that piece of wood? It’s still too painful for everyone.

Sam is walking down the street looking very clean. She meets Lexy and greets her with a charming, “What do you want?”

Lexy: Not the warmest welcome I’ve ever had. Sam: Well I’m late. (Tries to walk past.) Lexy: I won’t hold you up. I just need you to know that you were wrong. Sam: There’s nothing new there. (Tries to walk past again) Lexy: I really didn’t know about Cat and Frankie. Sam: You want an apology, is that why you’re here? I’m very sorry, OK? (She says this likes she’s not sorry at all, it’s important you know this or the next line won’t make sense.) Lexy: You might want to work on the whole apology thing. That level of sincerity, it’s a bit overpowering. (See?)
Sam just stares are Lexy.
Lexy: Look I get it; you want to deal with this on your own. I understand, I’ll leave you alone.
Sam clenches her jaw and says nothing
Lexy: But if you ever need someone, you’ve got my number
Sam watches Lexy walk away with a hint of regret before her face slips back into its hard mask.

Lee: Now that felt more like a gesture Sarah: That could still just be friendship. Lee: No, I really think she loves her. I can feel it.

Lexy arrives at work and receives a text from Tess saying “Bring Valium! I’m going in!!!!” It’s entirely perfect that Tess would use five exclamation marks in one text. Lexy replies “You don’t need drugs. You’ll nail it.” It’s entirely perfect that Lexy is a girl that uses no exclamation marks. Lexy gives the phone a little look of adoration.

Sam arrives at work and steps into a busy police room. Ryder gives her a nod before telling everyone that a drugs raid called “Operation Beehive” is about to begin. This makes us giggle as we imagine the cops rounding up suspects at a 60s disco for crimes to hairstyles.

Ryder hands over to Sam to outline the plan for the raid and to describe the assortment of Alice Bands, Bumpits and tins of hairspray they should try to recover at the scene. Sam speaks in an unsteady voice and looks like she has another panic attack brewing. She pauses and Ryder picks the flow back up. When the others are dismissed, Ryder comes back into the room.

Ryder: Are you all right? Sam: I’m here, aren’t I? Ryder: We need to present a united front today, for the team’s sake. Can we do that? Sam: Of course.
At the gallery, Jo Glass and Lauren are having a fight about something Lauren said Jo didn’t tell her, but Jo says she did weeks ago. We all know how this one goes. At one point one of you will have to be the bigger person and just back the hell down and pretend you do remember and hope your girlfriend won’t ask for details or what kind of intonation she used when she told you. The Artful dodgeress listens in. As Lauren leaves she gives Sadie’s hand a stroke and whispers that she’ll see her at 3 p.m. Tess is at the theatre. She unpacks her bag at the side of the stage but jumps when the voice of Nora enunciates “Morning” from behind her. Nora is sitting alone in the middle of the front row seats like a queen. Or a wicked witch. She beckons to Tess and tells her that she wants to clear the air about Ed. She tells Tess that she hopes Ed is coping with her dumping him because basically he couldn’t deal with a real woman. Tess chokes on her water and tells Nora that he’s bearing up.

Tess goes into the dressing room to tell Hipflask what’s just happened, and more importantly that Lexy said she had great legs, but Hipflask just sits with his back to her not saying a word until he interrupts her with a flat, “Maggie wants a divorce.” A lot more grumbling happens in this scene from Hipflask about what an arse Thomas Delaware is and Tess is very lovely to him. But we have a lot to get through here and we’re not having Hipflask take up too much episode finale recap time, so that’s enough for now. We will just mention that Hipflask is again drinking from his Hipflask and if he ruins this play for Tess we’ll be so wrathful.

Lexy is now scrubbed up and Gay Stud welcomes her with a “Hello skiver” to which she replies “F–k off, I went to see Sam.” She angstily tells the stud that Sam didn’t want to know and asks him why she always gets sucked in.

Lexy: What was I thinking? I was imagining there was some kind of connection between us — when her girlfriend had just died! I’m such an idiot. Gay Stud: Listen, you’re not going to waste any more energy over her. You should go for Tess. She’s funny, she’s hot. The two of you get along great.
Lexy listens and considers this.
Lexy: Maybe I will. I’m sick of falling into the same old patterns. I find someone damaged. I put them back together and when they’re all mended – Gay Stud: – they f–k off. Lexy: How about someone actually wanting me for a change?
At Operation Beehive, Ryder and Sam are doing a duet of “A Hard Day’s Night” while the rest of the force have casual sex, smoke marijuana and paint CND signs on the wall. Except really they’re testing radios and looking out for signs of a drug deal. Sam feels the onset of an attack and goes out to a stairwell for some air. Ryder follows her and asks what’s wrong again.
Sam: Nothing. F—ing hell, why does there always have to be something wrong? Ryder: Sam, there is something wrong. Look I think maybe you should go home. Sam: I’m going nowhere.
Sadie is at the gallery while some posh bird circles a vase talking about going to Aspen on her mobile.
Posh bird: I like that; it’s a very vivid vase. It’s a really pleasing shape too. It really follows you around the room.
Sadie looks bemused and then starts to circle the vase Artful Dodgeress stylee and with an excellent interpretation of the posh bird’s voice she agrees that the vase is indeed following her here, there and everywhere. She tells the posh bird that it’s £35,000 and gives her a brochure with more information, which disturbingly the woman decides to take to the bathroom to peruse. Lee: Ew, that’s a bit weird. I hate it when you go to someone’s house and they have a pile of magazines by the toilet in preparation. Sarah: But no one can deny it’s sometimes handy

Hipflask has just read that his ex and Thomas Delaware are getting married in a celebrity magazine. He takes this really well, calmly admitting that he ought to just move on. Except of course he doesn’t, he goes radio rental and disrupts the play’s run-through. Tess is dispatched to deal with him and he tells her he’s having an epiphany. Tess says what we’re all thinking; that there’s no time for this. Hugh’s epiphany is that he’s going to get Maggie back.

Sadie goes to the bathroom and lo and behold, the posh bird has left her posh Rolex by the sink. So of course she puts it on her own wrist.

Gay Stud wants Lexy to take an injured child to Sexray for him because he’s sick of being ignored by him. Lexy says absolutely no way, but then proceeds to do it for him. This is just Lexy all over; she’s just a bloody good egg. She has entered our laminated list of top 1- lesbian characters of all time.

Team Mur-Der is still at the drugs bust. Sam radios Ryder to say that vehicle A is approaching. Everyone is springing into action, but Sam is still fighting her panic attack hitting full thrust. She shakes it off and they intercept the drugs gang. There’s lots of handcuffs and truncheons and mounting of bodies until they have all of the baddies under control.

Lexy enters Sexray’s office.

Lexy: (about the child outside) He’s broken his Fibea. And my friend fancies you. But you probably already knew that Sexray: Probably. Lexy: And so you don’t fancy Declan back? OK, whatever. But he’s really funny and great company, he’s not that bad a guy actually underneath all the bravado. Can you please just put him out of his misery, because no offence, but I’m f—ing sick of hearing about you.
The bad guys are being bundled into a van, when suddenly Sam hears Ryder calling for her over the radio, needing help. She tries to go to him but the panic attack comes full pelt and she’s left gasping and helpless as Ryder screams through the radio. At the hospital, Gay Stud jumps into a cupboard to avoid Sexray who is walking down the corridor towards him. Sexray enters after him.
Sexray: Are you avoiding me? Gay Stud: Oh no, not at all – I was just getting myself an enema bag. Sexray: Listen I don’t take kindly to being cruised at work. Gay Stud: That’s a bit presumptuous. Sexray: You might have just asked me for dinner instead of expecting me to follow you into the nearest toilet. Having said that, I am free tonight, I might let you buy me dinner if you promise to behave like a grown up. Gay Stud: Well it’s a bit short notice; I might need to check my diary. Yes I’ll be there.
Lee: Be where? How does he know where to go? It really bothers me when proper arrangements aren’t made on TV shows.

Sam rushes down some stairs to find Ryder badly beaten up and orders an ambulance. The atmosphere goes a bit slo-mo and we get a few shots of Glasgow looking a little bit more “No mean City” than it normally does on Lip Service.

Ed enters the Theatre with a massive bunch of flowers. Nora meets him in the corridor and assumes they are for her.

Nora: it’s going to take more than a bunch of flowers – Ed: They’re for Tess.
Sarah: Awkward!
Nora: That’s very sweet of you. Of course, it is a very big opportunity for her. I mean, who knows if she’ll ever get another part. Ed: I think she’s very talented, actually. But what would I know; I’m just a geek, right? Nora: Ri-ight. How is your book going? Ed: Good. I’ve changed the lead character to an evil, self-obsessed hobbit. It wasn’t a very big rewrite.

Nora: Oh don’t worry. It’s only wank material for geeky teenage boys after all. Still it gives you something to do in the evenings.
Lee: Sinead Keenan is most fabulous at being a bitch.
Ed: Oh don’t worry about me. Tess and I have always got our darts tournaments to look forward to. Speaking of which, have you got any of those signed photos left? I’d be glad to take them off your hands.
Sadie and Lauren are having their 3 p.m. rendezvous in bed. And this feels a lot different from their normal meetings. There are no fairy wands, no bondage, no leather, just some really nice, passionate missionary sex. Lauren tells Sadie she looks beautiful — but with real meaning, and Sadie looks the most content and natural we’ve ever seen her. We suddenly want this one to work out. Even though it obviously can’t, because there’s a nice gallery owning wife and employer at home. Why must we want so much all the time when we’re just going to get hurt?

Our feelings are echoed by a really gorgeous song choice at this moment by Paper Aeroplanes.

Lexy is in the hospital canteen looking thoughtful. She picks up her phone and dials tentatively but smiles when the call is answered.

Lexy: Ah hey, how’s it goin? Tess: Hey there, pretty nuts. Listen, thank you for my awesome present. Love champagne, and the Imodium’s come in pretty useful, actually – not that I’ve got the runs or anything.
Sadie and Lauren are in bed post-coitally holding hands and just looking at each other.
Sadie: I’ve got something for you. Close your eyes. Hold out your hands. Lauren: OK. Sadie: Ta-da..
And she’s only gone and given Lauren the watch that she tea-leafed from the posh bird in the bathroom earlier. Lauren says she loves it but Sadie can’t afford it, but Sadie just looks so happy to have given her something and puts it on her wrist.
Sadie: And a ticket to the play tonight.
Lauren doesn’t say anything and looks like you would if your wife was expecting you home but you really wanted to be with your artful dodgeress at a play instead.
Sadie: Aw, come on, no one needs to know we’re together. Lauren: OK, yeah.
Sadie looks insanely happy by this and, again, our hearts sink because it’s really nice to see Sadie looking so smiley. Sarah: She’s like a child, Sadie. Her moral compass is all topsy turvy and her pleasures are just so basic. Lee: Maybe she could come and live with us and we can look after her and lock her in her room when she’s in danger of the moral compass choices f–king her life up or someone else’s? Sarah: OK, I’ll make a bed up.

The Lip Service hospital is getting a lot of action this series, and here is Sam again pounding down the corridor with someone else she loves in a critical condition. Ryder is all bloody and Sam is told to wait outside.

At rehearsal, Hipflask’s wife has called and a message is passed on that he is in breach of his restraining order and to stop contacting her. The director tells everyone how fantastic they have been and wishes them luck for the opening show. As Tess tries to leave the stage, Nora grabs her in a tightly gripped hug and tells her to break a leg — like she really means it. Tess says thank you but doesn’t see Nora then march across the stage to pour vinegar into a decanter that we assume Tess will need to drink from during the show.

Lee: Do you think she breast-pumped that vinegar directly from her own tits?

Sadie arrives at the theatre wearing yet another pair of f–king fabulous shoes, just as Ed and Lexy walk up. She comments that Lexy has made an effort and indeed Lexy does look spiffing in a red dress and leather jacket. Sadie reminds Ed and Lexy that they have to remember Lauren is her aunt when she arrives. Ed and Lexy leave Sadie to wait on her aunty Lauren.

Sam is in the hospital bathroom washing her hands because cleanliness is next to godliness. She looks at herself in the mirror again and she has such, sad, sad eyes. It’s heartbreaking and we’re ready for Sam to have a little bit of sugar sometime soon because these performances from Heather are excellent but distressing.

Sarah: I find it really weird that some of the comments about Sam dealing with Cat have been along the lines of she should just be over it as they hadn’t been dating very long. Lee: I know, if the exact same thing had happened to me, I would have been like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. Just rampaging into McDonald’s with a machine gun demanding a cheeseburger. Sarah: So by that comparison, Sam’s decline has been very tame. Lee: Not even on the same Richter scale as my madness.

Sam picks up her phone and dials a number.

Lee: Please tell me she’s calling the doctor Sarah: Doctor Who? Lee: We are not keeping that joke in. Tess looks just perfect in her period costume. She would have been an amazing girlfriend for Nan King. She knocks on Hipflask’s door to tell him that they’ve had their call, but the absolute fool of a man doesn’t answer.

Sadie is outside still waiting for Lauren, who we all knew wasn’t going to show up. We all knew that didn’t we? Because she’s got a wife and it’s not that simple, silly Sadie – go to your room!

The play has begun, but Tess is having kittens at the side of the stage as Hipflask still hasn’t arrived and has missed his cue. Just as the audience start to get twitchy, there he is.

Sadie gives up and gives her tickets to a couple outside. As she walks across the street, she is watched with a rather knowing expression through a window by the blonde girl with the tremendous hair that Frankie failed to shag in episode one. What is the significance of her return, we wonder?

The play is still on and Tess sneaks a little look at Ed and Lexy, or probably just Lexy. She takes a drink of Nora’s mammary juices and grimaces. Nora looks delighted, but Tess manages to keep it together and get the next line out.

Lauren is at home checking her “hot” watch and looking out the window. Jo Glass comes into the room with a bottle of champagne.

Lauren: They’re late! Jo: Well you know Cath. Whatever you wanted to do at the office can wait. I mean, can’t you just forget about work for one bloody night Lauren.
Just then “Cath” and her missus arrive – and would you Adam and Eve it? “Cath” is only the posh bird from the gallery and she immediately eye spies Lauren’s watch.

Sam enters Ryder’s hospital room. She rubs his arm and says she’s sorry but Ryder looks away and says nothing.

Sam: I couldn’t get there in time. You were right, I’m so sorry. Ryder: Forget it. (In a way that suggests he won’t)
The play is still on. Tess is acting her little socks off while Hipflask has his back to the audience while texting. We are about ready to march into that theatre and punch Hipflask’s face. If he ruins this play for Tess, he’ll be number two on our fictional TV character s–t-list — just one place behind Bad Girls‘ Jim Fenner. Oh it makes us spitting angry even typing his name. And now Nora’s stuck a sexy picture into one of Tess’s props. We bite our thumbs at them all. But Tess is a trooper and delivers the last line of the first half with aplomb and Lexy claps beaming at her from the audience.

In the theatre bar, Lexy and Ed are getting a drink.

Ed: It’s quite long isn’t it?
Sarah: Ha, that’s what you say at a ballet Lee: It’s true; I can only watch so much prancing around. They’re at it for hours.
Ed: Are you enjoying it? Lexy: Tess is great. Ed: I wonder where Sadie got to? Lexy: Maybe her aunt took her for some tea?
She pronounces the “tea” in a way that makes it obvious that Lexy has actually stolen our joke, and by tea she means sex. This is awkward; get your own jokes Lexy.

Lexy looks at her phone and sees she has a missed call. She listens to the message and it’s a stuttery Sam asking if she’s at the hospital and then apologising for calling saying that it’s nothing. Lexy is wide eyed. We know there are lots of Lexy/Tess shippers out there, but Sam’s effect on Lexy is just palpable. Sarah: You can see she’s trying with Tess, but that doesn’t work. Lee: It can’t be controlled – you feel it or you don’t. It doesn’t grow; it’s there as soon as you meet. Sarah: Yep, even though Tess would be the saner option right now, Sam just makes her feel the thing.

Ed sneaks backstage — sack the theatre security — Tess is complaining about Nora and overdoing the white make-up until Ed asks if she dies in the next act. We chuckle and realise we’ve missed all of the Ed/Tess scenes this series. Ed tells Tess that Lexy said she was great and can’t keep her eyes off her. To be fair, the whole audience can’t really keep their eyes off her because she’s in front of them doing a play and they are all watching the play. But Ed is being sweet and Tess looks really excited.

She wouldn’t look so excited if she could see Lexy downing beer and calling Sam back with a determination in her eyes in the bar. It clicks onto an answermachine. A voice announces the second half is about to begin and Lexy makes her decision. The decision is to go to Sam. We’re sorry, Texy shippers, but it’s always been Sam for Lexy.

Hipflask is still on his phone in the wings and Tess snaps, wrestling it from him with a little help from Nora. And the second half begins.

Sadie is hailing a cab. We suspect this cab is taking her to a place called pain. Sadie, get to your room!

Hipflask is back on the phone in the wings spitting vile bits of news into his ex-wife’s answer machine. He hangs up and, defeated, admits it’s over. Tess nods sadly and rubs his arm, which just shows how lovely she is, because really she should have his selfish face in a headlock.

Sam arrives home and looks around the half empty bottles and debris sadly. Lexy is walking and walking and walking to get to her. Ed looks at the empty seat beside him and Tess also notices the absence of Lexy from the stage.

Lauren is at the dinner party from hell as posh bird questions where she got her watch and Jo Glass stares glacial icebergs across the room at her. Lauren’s phone beeps and it’s another text message from Sadie telling her she’s outside. Lauren says its work and rushes out before Sadie comes in.

Tess is delivering some lines in the play that make us feel all wobbly because it’s all about how she’s never noticed and someone else always shines more brightly than she. We are obviously paraphrasing; these are not Chekhov’s exact words.

Outside Lauren’s house Sadie is demanding to know why Lauren stood her up. Oh Sadie, you do know why, don’t you? Don’t you? Go. To. Your. Room!

Lauren: Just what exactly are you f–king playing at?

Sadie: What? Lauren: And you stole this watch, yeah? Did you know that it belonged to an important client of Jo’s did you? Sadie: I didn’t steal it, I found it. Lauren: Oh well, I don’t give a s–t. (Thrusts watch back at her.)
Lee:That’s a mistake because how she going to explain where it’s gone?
Lauren: I’ve just had the most excruciating night of my life. I should have known Sadie: You said you liked the watch.
Lee & Sarah: Oh Sadie!
Sadie: I can barely pay the rent. Lauren: You’re f—ed up. You are so f—ed up. You’re living in a fantasy world, aren’t you? Sadie: I’ll make it up to you. Lauren: No, no. Sadie: I’m sorry. Lauren: What was I thinking? You stay away from me and my wife, OK?
Sarah: A better time to deliver this line would have been right about the time when Sadie started working with your wife.

Sadie is left crying in the street and we feel awful for her, even though she is indeed a bit f—ed up and living in a fantasy world. It’s just that this world of hers seems quite a lot of fun. Until you’re left crying in the street with a stolen watch in your hands.

Tess is waiting in the wings of the play, Lexy is still walking and walking, Sam is pouring herself a whisky and Sadie is smoking in the street. What will become of our four heroines?

Lexy arrives at Sam’s door.

Sam: I thought you were out. Lexy: It doesn’t matter.
Lee & Sarah: Oooooh.

The play has ended. As the cast clap for each of the actors at the curtain call, the very loudest cheer is reserved for our Tess. The audience love her and she looks glowingly happy. Her moment has finally arrived. Dressing up as an orange can and auditioning for shit face cream ads is all a distant memory. Sam is telling Lexy about the happenings of the day. She tells her that Ryder was right and she should have gone home, but Lexy reassures her that it wasn’t her fault. Sam tells her that she’s always had good instincts about things, could always tell when a suspect was lying and she always listened to her instincts.

Sam: Somehow deep down I always knew about Cat. Lexy: You have to stop this. Sam: I knew when Cat was thinking about her. I didn’t want to believe it so I put it to the back of my mind. The same way I ignored Ryder today. God, every choice I make is f—ed. Lexy: Your instincts are good. You have to trust yourself. Sam: I can’t trust myself anymore. I can’t trust anyone. Lexy: You can trust me.
They look at each other for a moment and then Sam touches her face and they kiss. At first tentatively and then deeply. And then they are holding each other tightly, kissing and breathing deeply and undressing. Tess arrives at the aftershow party looking gorgeous in her gold dress and everyone is queuing up to tell her how wonderful she was. Yay. Everyone, but Nora who sidles up to Tess and tells her she did OK, there were a few hiccups but she just about got away with it.

Tess: Who do you think you are? Dame Helen Mirren? Judi Dench? What is your problem, or are you just one of those women who hates other women? Can you not feel good about yourself unless you’re making someone else feel shit? Are you that insecure?
Nora splutters and stutters and with a definitive “Yeah,” Tess picks up her champagne and saunters off leaving Nora to melt away into her own boots.

Lee: Go Tess. Sarah: Nora has been great, though. I’ll miss her – like Moira from the call centre.

Tess sits down with Ed and he tells her how amazing she was and how gorgeous she is. Why can’t Ed be a lesbian? But Tess is feeling down in the dumps about Lexy and pessimistically says that it’s taken her 29 years to get this role and it’ll probably take 29 for the next. She spots a text message from the absent Lexy. It says she’s sorry, but she had to go because the hospital called. This technically is true.

Ed: Listen, it must be a nightmare going out with a doctor. All those long hours, germs – Tess: It’d be great going out with Lexy.
Lee & Sarah: Awwww Tess.

Lexy and Sam are very naked and very making love. For everyone who has been complaining about the lack of nookie this series, you’ll agree that all the fireworks have been saved for this scene. It’s a very beautifully lit, very real portrayal of two women having tender, orgasmic sex. It’s also an extremely brave scene for both actresses to have taken on and given so much to.

Sadie arrives at Jo Glass’s gallery, and is strangely still being watched by the blonde bombshell that is now in a car. Why is Sadie so easy to follow? It’s like when Frankie managed to trail her around Glasgow in series one. Are Frankie and Blondie professional trackers or does Sadie just give off a very high-pitched siren call that only edgy blonde lesbians can hear?

Always prepared, like a good girl guide, Sadie breaks into the gallery using the cheese knife swiped from her days in the restaurant. The alarm goes off but she calmly enters the code to switch it off, and then uses the safe code to swipe all of its cash contents. The blonde enters the gallery behind her.

Blondie: This doesn’t look very good does it? Sadie: Janicccccce. (with a sneer) Didn’t know you were back. Janice: Good job, I am. Looks like you’ll be needing a lift. Sadie: What? So you can piss off with my money again? Janice: It didn’t say your name on it.
Janice spots the vase that the posh bird likes and it turns out she also likes it and asks Sadie if she can have it.
Sadie: No. Janice: Why not?
Sadie calmly and very deliberately knocks the vase over.
Sadie: It’s broken.
They both laugh like the couple of crazy ladies that they are and stride out of the gallery together into Janice’s waiting Mercedes Benz, which looks like it may also have been half-inched fairly recently. Has the Artful Dodgeress finally found her Nancy?

Tess arrives home and goes to Lexy’s room. Her bed is empty, because Lexy is in bed with Sam spooning. She gets up to answer her ringing phone, looks nervous, but tries to keep it breezy.

Lexy: Hey, Tess how’s it going? Tess: Fine. Lexy: Look Tess I’m really sorry – Tess: No, no don’t be silly, duty calls and all that. Are you still at the hospital? Lexy: (Screws her face up:) Yeah, yeah. Tess: Oh well, I won’t keep you
Lexy looks pained by this conversation, but soon looks content again as she enters the bedroom and gets back into bed with Sam. She leans over her, just looking at her and strokes her face as she sleeps. Tess is still in Lexy’s room. She sits on her bed and holds her pillow to her chest. Kisses it, sighs then lays down. And the end.

The actual end of Lip Service: The Sequel.

The fact that it hasn’t already been recommissioned is an actual crime. The kind we should get DS Murray to investigate. But as she isn’t real then we suggest you join us in making @BBCThree aware of how much you love this show and perhaps let them know that you’ve read their diversity study, you appreciated their statement of commitment to making the gays more visible on television and now you’d like them to put it into practice. Otherwise it’s just another study. And no; one off lesbian period dramas aren’t good enough. And we don’t say this lightly, because you all know how much we love a lady in a petticoat and sometimes a tuxedo.

If you don’t want to wait that long for some answers then get yourself to Glasgow for the first official Lip Service Fan event on July 15. Harriet Braun, Heather Peace, Fiona Button and Anna Skellern will all be there, with more to be announced.

Until next time, Lip Servants.

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