“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.10): Kung Fu Crying

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Last Week!

The models went to Macau! Catherine got kicked off! Drama ahead! 

Modelland East!

The ladies walk in to see Laura’s winning photo from last week. Go, Team LezBiModel! The producers have written “I Feel You” across the top in a ‘70s lipstick font that they took from a Donna Summer album. Why do they keep crapping up the photos like that? Doesn’t it make the photographers cranky? 

Laura is stoked to have her second winning photo and a challenge win to boot. She says Sophie is happy for her, but the others are wondering “When is this bitch going to fall?” Instead of the Box of Prizes that Must Not Be Named, Laura gets a prize that’s just for her and Eboni wonders if it’s cutthroat instead of teams now. Alisha interviews that she loves Eboni, but duh. 

Alisha also says things are getting intense and catty as Laura admires the clothes and jewelry from her gift bag. Alisha says Laura is not the biggest competition. Eboni begs to differ and says Laura is the girl to beat. And recalls that Laura hates her. 

Laura says that Eboni is obnoxious, spoiled, and vain, and that she’s not going to beat Laura in a rough childhood throwdown. Dang. We see a shot of Eboni fretting over Laura not liking her as Annaliese wisely says “If, she doesn’t like you, she doesn’t like you,” in a tone that gently suggests Eboni should move on and do anything, anything else. 

Eboni lists her accomplishments and says she’s going to win. Credits! 

Modelland East!

The ladies eat while Alisha says being in the bottom two doesn’t scare her while completely obsessing over it. She came in second in her season in Britain, so she’s not used to this whole bottom two thing. Alisha thinks Sophie should have been in the bottom two and says Laura should be a phone sex operator. We cut to an old clip of Laura saying “women definitely give me better orgasms” to AzMarie during Week One and the clip of her saying that really good sex makes her feel powerful from last week. We then get a confessional of Laura saying yes, she loves sex, because duh. 

Wow, Alisha is on quite the confessional rampage! She says Annaliese is a presenter, not a model, which is like invoking the angry spirit of Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone to come and smite someone. Alisha says she has the longest legs and the best body of any of them. 

Annaliese feels chipper because she’s in the Final Five and feels like she’s steadily getting better, noting that she has risen to a personal best of runner-up photo last time, while Alisha has been up and down throughout the competition. 

Tyra Mail!

As always, the message is capitalized by a madwoman and uses fonts that came bundled with your clip art in 1991. 

The World

Is Your Stage…

Knock ‘em dead! 

Fierce and Love,

Tyra 

Some models think it’s the acting challenge, but Alisha excitedly says she thinks they’ll be knocking someone out. What happened to her on the plane to Macau? Was there a lot of gamma radiation or what? 

Model Bus!

Laura wonders when she’s going to have sex again. Golly! Do you think the editors are just maybe possibly setting her up? Sophie says there’s not a challenge about having sex, and then says it’s getting stressful. Well, yes, because no one has the tension reliever of — oh. She means they’re getting down to the girls who are really ready to fight for the top spot. 

Hong Kong!

The models love the architecture. Sophie says it looks like childhood games were turned into buildings. Laura points out that skyscrapers are phallic, and Alisha goes overboard again and interprets that observation as sexual attraction. She says, “Now, that is just disgusting. How can you live life like that? You walk on the street, you want to hump a pole?” Oh, that’s not what she meant. Give it a rest, prudeball. 

Miss J. is here! He mentions Hong Kong’s thriving movie industry. We also meet actor/pop star Nicholas Tse. And some attackers! Suddenly everybody is kung fu fighting! It doesn’t even look a tiny bit real, but it’s charming enough. Miss J.’s terrible, overblown reaction shots are so bad that they may have been what got everyone fired. 

 

Laura thinks Nicholas Tse is cute. Miss J. plugs two of his (Tse’s) movies and mentions his Hong Kong film award. Sophie does a better job of giving perspective by explaining that Tse is a massive actor, on a par with Brad Pitt over here. Nicholas says that acting is “emotion, expression, devotion, coordination,” which also describes modeling. OK, fine. Nicholas announces that the girls will do a fight scene, and the winner gets to come back to Macau to do a music video. That is a good prize. 

Laura has never acted or done a fight scene, but she totally wants this one. She says she’ll do whatever she has to do to get this. The producers are jerkbirds, and might as well drop a flashing neon sign behind her saying “But does she really mean ANYTHING?!” 

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