Warning: If you’re not caught up with Lip Service and Pretty Little Liars and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The L Word and, well, All The Lesbian Things past and present, this post might spoil you about character deaths. Proceed with caution!
It’s been a full week since Cat was plowed down by a car while engaging in the dangerous business of being a lesbian on TV texting while walking on Lip Service. Every time a lesbian character dies, it stirs up lots of Feelings inside of us because we’ve seen about 10 bajillion lesbian characters meet their maker over the years. If there’s one thing gay ladies know it’s that the best way to deal with Feelings is to process Feelings, so we’ve decided to rank some of the most buzzed about lesbian character deaths on a scale of one to five Crying Santana Lopezes — which is, of course, the saddest measure of sadness in all the land.
Cat MacKenzie, Lip Service
Yeah, yeah, Laura Fraser moved to Los Angeles for American acting opportunities and Harriet Braun had to find some way to explain her absence from the show, but did that explanation have to include Cat getting run right the f–k over by a car on her birthday?! The shock gave way to DS Sam Murray sobbing her gorgeous eyeballs out and Frankie Alan crawling around in grave dirt. No amount of tea — metaphorical or otherwise — is going to be able to mend our emotional wounds!
Trauma Verdict: Four Crying Santana Lopezs
Tara Maclay, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Take the most lovable character on one of the best-written shows in the history of TV and introduce a lady love into her life. Sprinkle with actual magic. Break them up. Get them back together. Make them and us and the whole wide world believe in Happy Ever After — and then immediately shoot the lady love in the chest with a gun. ‘Cause that won’t break our hearts into ten billion pieces or anything.
Trauma Verdict: Five Crying Santana Lopezes
Paulie, Lost and Delirious
Lost and Delirious is to lesbian love what Old Yeller is to adorable animals. They’re just about the sweetest stories of affection and loyalty you’ve ever seen — so long as you turn them off after 45 minutes. If you insist on watching them all the way through, the dog gets shot when it gets rabies and the lesbian hurls herself off a roof when she gets outed.
Trauma Verdict: Three Crying Sanatana Lopezes