Last week!
Seymone got kicked off! Only two Americans left! Which would be a big deal if anyone in the viewing audience were rooting for a nation instead of for individual models! I have my suspicions about whether or not that is the case!
This week!
Live silkworms! A great big box of live silkworms! Hooray!
Modelland!
Alisha came out on top last week, which means the Brits have grabbing rights to the Giant Box of Hidden Treats of Shame. It is almost completely ignored. To hell with you, Hidden Treats of Shame! We don’t know what we ever saw in you!
Eboni is relieved to still be in Modelland after last week’s close call. “I really have to redeem myself,” she says in voiceover, and then we cut to her saying, “I just have to wear pony tails.” A good redemption tip for us all!
Did we know that Laura and Eboni are not pals, or did this just start? It seems like something that maybe was there but got edited out of earlier episodes and now we have to regroup. Anyway, Laura is not so much into Eboni and — Whoa! — says so right in front of her when Alisha asks about it. And then says it directly to Eboni. “You seem so vain sometimes it’s, like, sickening,” Laura elaborates. Well, that’s certainly a refreshing change. Say what you will, you cannot accuse Laura of talking behind Eboni’s back.
…Or at least not of exclusively talking behind Eboni’s back. Laura also imitates Eboni’s constant posing in the mirror for an interview, and then it looks like she sits down right next to Eboni and does a tight five minutes on the subject of Eboni’s vanity. Eboni calmly says she needs an example of her behavior, and Laura says she carries herself like she’s better than everyone else.
Annaliesie looks shocked by this in person (or at least the edit makes her look shocked — she could be reacting to anything) but agrees in an interview that Eboni spends quite a bit of quality time with the mirror. Annaliese does not, however, whip out the helpful infographics and flip charts that Laura seems to have prepared.
Nigel Arrives!
He has Chinese takeout! Annaliese runs lightly down the stairs with her arms straight at her sides and hands pointed out with her palms down. It’s somewhere between graceful fairy princess and super freaky. She also seems to be wearing something balanced on top of her eyelashes. Little white squares, one on each eyelid. Maybe she’s been collating papers and got some little sticky tabs stuck up there? I have no idea.
Nigel tells the models it’s all about the eyes (But is it about little thingies on the eyelids?) and Eboni says she likes hanging out with him. Laura says they’re all starting to bond with Nigel, and then he hands out giant fortune cookies and the models smash them on the table. Oh, snap — these are not random giant fortune cookies.
Catherine: “Beauty is ageless but not timeless.” Wait, isn’t that the reverse of what they’ve been saying about Catherine? Maybe it works better if you use the “in bed” rule.
Sophie: “Keep your friends close and the envious closer.” Sophie tries to figure out who is envious. As do we all. Alisha says nobody envies Sophie, because who wants to be stuck with pink hair? She does admit that Sophie seems to get a lot of great feedback, but believes that her time will come.
Annaliese: “You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?” Ooh, burn. Only on Top Model is this a controversy: Can an experienced television presenter possibly become a real model!?!
Laura: “A hard edge makes for smooth sailing.” I guess one of the producers likes Laura stirring things up. Or they were out of ideas, pot, and Fritos all at the same time.
Alisha: “It’s a long fall from the top.” Have we successfully rattled her? Yes. Sophie acknowledges that Alisha’s fortune cookie sucks.
Eboni: “For what you lack in maturity, you make up in youth.” Eboni punctuates this by sticking her tongue out.
Jeez. I guess it’s good that the producers got a chance to passive-aggressively vent their feelings. Maybe try journaling and hitting pillows with tennis rackets? Laura thinks Eboni’s fortune is funny because Eboni is immature. And then she smoothly sails off at about Mach 2.
But who cares about the buzzkill? They’re going to Macau! FREAKOUT! They’re going right now! (Well, “right” “now.”) Nigel yells at them to pack, pack, pack!
Sophie says they may like her look in Asia because she has big eyes. OK. I’m hoping Sophie knows things about the Asian fashion market that I don’t. Because otherwise I’m a little concerned that she doesn’t know that anime is a) not Chinese and b) not real. Sophie is too excited to pack and rolls around on the floor instead.
Catherine mentions that she came second in her season back in Britain. She hopes to do well and revitalize her career. Eboni is not thrilled about being trapped for 15 hours with a plane with those other girls. She also notes that she doesn’t get along with Laura, and hopes to get to Macau so she can prove herself.
Credits! Plane! Macau! That was fast!
We see the traditional shot of the models waving from a cartoon plane. It’s pretty cute. I’ll be honest: We rush around a lot in this episode and a lot gets done, but other than the scenery, none of it is very interesting. Still, they’re in Macau! Alisha is happy and Laura feels blessed. All the models feel appropriately psyched and grateful about getting to go to such an amazing place and gawk out the windows of their little van like they should.
Laura mentions wanting to be an example for her alcoholic parents. Eboni says she had a rough childhood and lived in he grandmother’s attic. She got a full scholarship to the University of Washington and put it on hold to do Top Model. Let’s all take a moment to not judge that choice. Oh, hell, she’s 18. Do it now, Eboni. There’s plenty of time for sober decision making later in life.
Lest we think Eboni is the only one who has had to bust her hump, Sophie says she has worked hard as a model, waitress, and hostess to support herself, and she’s glad she did. So there.
The MGM Macau hotel!
Dang, this place is pretty amazing. The models are welcomed with drums! And dragons! And, wait, Vegas showgirl/Brazilian Carnivale dancers? OK, fine. At some point, the models are made to put on hilarious showgirl headdresses.
A very slick singer sings their welcome to Macau, and then we discover that Mister Jay is here and speaks Cantonese! He says, “Welcome to Macau!” Then we hear from some very nice executives from the hotel and from the Macau tourism board. I hope the models get welcomed to Macau again. Hey, wait, they do!
The models go to their nuttastic hotel room. Their photos are in it! And also one million photos of Tyra to break things up. I want to harrumph at the models for jumping on the beds, but I can’t — it looks like an excellent idea. The models note that ten people could take a shower in their stall at a time (Fingers crossed!) and then Annaliese asks if anyone has “established” the view. The models are appropriately wowed.
Annaliese is boggled that she’s still in it the competition and mentions — You fool! — that at home she’s more of a TV presenter. Somewhere, Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone pulls the knitting needle out of her neck and sits straight up.
There is a pointless fight that we’re supposed to think is drama between the Brits, but is clearly entirely the result of everyone just having spent 15 hours on a plane and being massively cranky. Apparently Sophie messed with Alisha’s stuff and dropped a dress on the floor because she had dressed up as Alisha and left it there? Or something? Sophie creeps around in a bathrobe in the next room, listening. Alisha keeps talking and Sophiegate goes on for forever. Annaliese says Alisha gets on her high horse sometimes and thinks she’s in charge. Everyone is making Airplane Crankyface. We should let this go.
Tyra Mail!
“Your FACE is your fortune. Can you change your destiny? Fierce and love, Tyra”
The models walk into the Chee Hon Monastery. For a moment I am extremely concerned about who they will be bothering and worry that they will be forcing Buddhist monks to tooch.
But no, Miss J. is there! And also Clement Chan, a Chinese Astrologer. Miss J. counts off as Chan lists the five elements of Chinese astrology: Fire, Wood, Water, Earth, and Metal. I’m hoping that the models will either be made up as or forced to burst through each of these elements, but no such luck.
Instead, each model gets her horoscope done and her face and aura read. The models are sitting right there, but apparently Chan reads their auras by looking at their pictures. It’s… It’s super boring, you guys. We hear which element each model is, but not what that is supposed to mean. And we hear what colors some of them “need.”
And then Chan does what looks a lot like a skilled cold reading from a psychic at a carnival — lots of very general stuff (Laura is emotional, but tries to be strong!) that was maybe just a leeetle bit helped by the producers (Alisha is close to her mom and misses her!).
Alisha is blown away and J. says it’s scary. Alisha may have to make work/family sacrifices! She needs black, gray, and blue! Also, she will meet her true love riding on the back of a wild boar. Sorry, just trying to liven things up. Alisha’s element is cut. We will never know it.
Laura is metal and needs water. And, presumably, and oil can. Sophie is destined to be famous, but people might be jealous. She needs fire. Catherine needs wood. Do NOT order them on the same Room Service tray!
Annaliese is an entertainer, the class clown, likes to talk, and she is wood. Whoa, Catherine needs her! Eboni is — wait for it — youthful. Wow, the producers are monsters sometimes. Chan says her childhood was a mess, but things will get better for her family.
Now that they know what they need, it’s time to create a whole new aura and rejigger their luck and fortune …with Cover Girl makeup! Because makeup can and should do that! And, wow, they’re really going for it. Apparently a skilled enough makeup job changes your inner being and your very destiny. Well. I certainly misspent that adolescence.
The models dive into racks of what seems to be scarf-based clothing. Laura goes with a less-is-more approach and Sophie acknowledges that Laura is her toughest competition. (Team LezBiModel does not play around this cycle. It does not care for butt enhancers, but it does not play around.) Sophie wants the final two to be her and Laura battling it out.
One of the Brits (I think Sophie?) paws through the makeup and asks “Is this all Cover Girl?” and then, apparently to make up for the tone of voice in which that question was asked, remarks on how good the lip gloss tastes.
Catherine can’t figure out “how you’re supposed to wear these stupid little scarf things,” and it’s true, they don’t seem to have been given much of a tutorial.
Second impression! How are their new auras?
Alisha picked grey, because Master Chan said it was one of her special colors. Get used to this solid line of reasoning. Laura picked simple and looks pretty great in a black scarf. Chan already senses changes in her energy! Sophie went bohemian and red for added fire and passion. Catherine went green, including, oh, dear, greenish lipstick. (Why was that an available choice?) Alisha went black and green for water and wood, and Eboni went with fire red and purple. They all did great!
Laura wins it! She’s going to get a professional spa treatment! And then, because she is her only remaining teammate, they make Laura take Eboni with her. Awesome. Laura good-naturedly hugs Eboni and Alisha crankily points out that Laura hates Eboni’s guts. I’m assuming that Laura is just trying to make the best of it because, seriously: Luxury spa treatment in Macau.
The spa looks amazing. Laura says they’re not going to be friends, but she might as well be cordial. Eboni confirms that hitting the spa with Laura is uncomfortable, but it’s not like they have to massage each other. They get massages separated by a little barrier. It must be super relaxing to have that camera crew there!
Laura and Eboni lounge next to each other in what is supposed to be a post-massage time of tea-drinking bliss. Laura is still going for cordial, but Eboni is hilariously uncomfortable and is pretending to read the boxes of things. “Would you like any more tea?” “Uh, sure.”
Tyra Mail!
“Prepare to meet some smooth operators.” Tyra Mail writers, you have WEEKS AND WEEKS to think of things. I’m just saying.
Jay is back! Time for a shoot in silk gowns! With live silkworms! The models are briefly grossed out, but it becomes apparent to everyone pretty quickly that the worms are really caterpillars and nobody’s going to melt down over them. Aw, nuts. Alisha wisely tries to get used to one of her silkworms. She names it Edwin. Sophie tells Edwin to smize. Hee.
(Did you know that silkmoths don’t appear in the wild? They have been bred so specifically and for so long that they are completely dependent on humans for reproduction. That just suddenly seemed relevant to this show. I can’t think why.)
Jay says fashion is about pushing the limits and creating daring imagery. He wants to see some real emotion. I’m sure he has thoroughly vetted this plan with the judging panel. Paul Tsang is their photographer! Barney Cheng is their designer! The couture silk dresses are pretty amazing.
Annaliese works to prove she’s not just smiley and commercial. She does not care for the spidery feel of the silkworms (What?) and freaks out just a bit as one is placed near her cleavage, but pulls it together. Good woman. Jay says her emotion is too pantomime and not genuine, but she takes direction well.
Laura loves bugs and she digs her silkworms. She also looks pretty great in her Louise Brooks wig. Jay asks Laura what makes her feel powerful and she says “Really good sex.” Jay rolls with it (duh) and tells Laura to go for her best orgasm. Laura does some sultry sighing and trembling. Alisha thinks Laura is too sexual and accuses her of being turned on by silkworms. Did she miss the conversation with Jay or what? Laura goes awkward and bizarre (in a good way) and puts a silkworm right up by her mouth. Jays says she’s genius.
Eboni is in baby pink and trying to be a good sport about the terrible 30-Never thing. At least she’s being smart about it. Jay calls her middle-of-the road. Sophie says the silkworms are cool, and posh as creatures go. Her eyes look great. Laura names Sophie as her biggest competition. It’s on!
Catherine says she looks witchy in her dark hair. Jay gets her into deep sadness and she goes too deep, thinking about someone dying, and just starts crying. That’s a big emotional risk, but Catherine gets exactly zero credit for being willing to go there. Jay says she’s too emotional and also stiff. Alisha notes that Catherine crumbling can only benefit her as a rival model.
Alisha wants another best picture. Jay doesn’t know what she’s doing and wants more raw emotion. He says she’s too pose-y and makes fun of Alisha when she says she’s in the zone. Wow, he really does drive me up the walls during these shoots. I know it’s a moot point since everyone is fired, but wouldn’t a good creative director be skilled at getting the best possible performances out of models? No? Just pissing and moaning when things aren’t magically perfect? Fine. Annaliese says it’s not coming together and Alisha may be going home
Modelland East!
The Tyra Mail of Doom arrives, and holy trade agreements, Laura is wearing the shortest plaid shorts ever created. Maybe the silkworms are still working on them? The ladies lounge around in bathrobes being nervous. Catherine hopes she’s not going home, but says at least she tried. Eboni chats with Laura, who is still hoping really hard that Eboni will go home.
Alisha lies on the couch patting her head and saying that she’s not weak and wonders why she’s questioning herself. She thinks she was tested in this shoot.
Panel!
Tyra is wearing a garment that is a high-fashion gown and an elementary school desk. Two can play at that game: Laura is wearing crazy homemade stockings with patterns of big holes in them. They’re actually pretty cool. But can you write an essay on or store Elmer’s glue in them? No. Point: Tyra. Tyra calls Laura a pirate for reasons unknown. We don’t care, though, because Laura’s photo looks incredible. Barney Cheng says Laura gets the tension between the hard and the soft. Nobody tell Alisha.
Eboni, still no dummy, wears her pony tails to panel. In her photo, she’s covering herself in a sort of frightened way and Nigel loves her body language. I am a little bit not cool with that. Tyra says Eboni has no waist and no shoulders. Uh oh.
Catherine’s photo is so mediocre you can almost hear a slide whistle when it goes up. The judges tell her to be wistful rather than in mourning when she goes for sad emotions. Golly, I wonder if Mr. Jay could have said such a thing during the actual shoot.
Alisha has a Union Jack flower on her shoulder. Tyra says she looks like a singing modelgram and sings a perky birthday telegram in a British accent. I wish human words could fully explain how weird that moment is. The judges like the top half of Alisha’s photo, but complain that she isn’t selling the dress.
Annaliese looks good, sleek, and bendy, but Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says she doesn’t get why her hand is on her head. Because Jay has been directing them to suck, that’s why. During the shoot, Annaliese was thinking, “He doesn’t love me,” and about walking in and finding her man with another woman. Which either gave her a headache or Annaliese keeps a knife tucked behind her ear.
I think Sophie looks gorgeous in her photo, but Nigel doesn’t like her emotion. (That Jay directed her to have!) Tyra says she looks like an actress who’s nervous about being in a fashion magazine. The note of contempt in Tyra’s voice when she says “actress” is worth all the uncomfortable post-massage tea in China.
Deliberations!
The judges love Laura and her vertebrae. “Incredible neck!” says Nigel, and Tyra adds “It’s all about the neck when you’re modeling!” But 40 minutes ago Nigel told us it was all about the eyes! We’re getting some mixed modeling messages tonight.
The judges say the exact same thing about Eboni that they said earlier: Interesting body language, not enough neck. Hey, judges, can we talk about the fact that you all think a woman posing as though she is covering herself in fear would be just awesome for a fashion spread and that’s a little bit creepy? No time? Fine.
Oh, dear, they really don’t care for Catherine’s photo. And LPRMKC still hates her walk from last week. Tyra remembers Catherine’s video performance and says she has something special. Alisha is not selling the dress. Annaliese did great, but LPRMKC says she’s a TV host, not a model. I think LPRMKC was frightened by a TV host as a child. They call Sophie average but admit that the dress looks great.
Best Photo: Laura! Go, Team LezBiModel!
Runner Up: Annaliese.
Sophie third! Eboni fourth! Two girls left! Alisha made her dress look bad! Catherine was weak! Catherine has been crying for quite some time now.
This Week’s Obsolete Model:
Catherine
Aw, sorry, Catherine. You played well and seemed to be a good and decent person. Catherine says she’s proud of herself and has no regrets.
Next Week:
Hong Kong! Martial Arts! The models pose hundreds of feet in the air! Oh, hang on, Eboni says Laura’s sleeping her way to the top! I think a certain model is about to put the “bi” in “ambidextrous beating.” See you there!
