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“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.8): Oh, Hell, Kitty

You guys. YOU GUYS! This week was a corker before the episode even started! As you may know, America’s Next Top Model‘s ratings have been, uh, generously stepping back so as not to intimidate the other shows on the CW lately.

You might think Tyra would try to solve that by, say, stopping the ridiculous, constant branding efforts and comedy skits with tooching and “Super Smize” and instead getting the show back to its magically stupid core of making beautiful, not always very bright young women endure deranged photo shoots and then watching them fight with each other when the pressure starts to get to them. Because let’s be honest: That was one genius modelscratching idea for a show.

But no. Instead Tyra decided to fire Mr. Jay, Miss J., and Nigel Barker. And, by all accounts, she did so rather abruptly — all three men, who have been around for 18 cycles, were just told that their contracts weren’t being renewed for Cycle 19. Tyra, in a warm and caring message to her old friends, explained that it was a “production decision.”

Though she did leave a sensitive and supportive message for them on her Facebook page. And, as you can see by her very next post, she was super broken up about it. So that’s going to add a little frisson for the rest of the season. We’ll be watching these guys grin their way through silly, lucrative jobs they think are secure for the next thousand years, but we here in their future know that they are Fired Men Walking.

And, wow. I’ll admit that I’ve never been a particular fan of Jay Manuel’s advice because he’s never learned or tried to actually help the models. If they’re already doing well, he tells them they’re gorgeous, and if they’re not, he yells at them that they’re choking and ruining everything and they’re going to get sent home. And then he gets involved in being theatrically disgusted for the camera instead of, say, trying to get the poor, flailing model out of her head and calm and focused on something else.

But he’s been a distinctive presence on the show and he has a pal-around chemistry with Miss J. And, really, after 18 “cycles” and nine years, that’s some pretty shabby treatment.

And Miss J. and Nigel have been around just as long and actually seemed to know what the hey they were talking about. They may be the only two people on the show who could reliably, if the situation were just right, give out some actual useful advice. I like Nigel’s pictures, and he’s pretty open about what drives a photographer up the walls. And say what you will about his silly lines and sillier outfits: Miss J. is known industrywide as someone who will fix a model’s walk, and fix it good.

Maybe they didn’t say “smize” enough.

But anyway, Tyra is done with them. The only excuse for this is if she brings back Janice Dickinson for a season of threats and madness and they both participate in every last one of the photo shoots.

Fingers crossed and eyes smized.

Anyway, it is a shameful and sad situation. But we will model through it.

Last week!

Kyle was sent home to make the exact same face she always does in a different setting. I’m sure she’ll find her very low-key bliss there, doing something.

Modelland!

Sophie‘s happy with her top photo, noting that she listened to Tyra, smized, and tooched all at once. The Brits celebrate over the Box of Treats That Must Not Be Shown. Seriously: It’s a huge gold or silver box each week with a big bow on it, and at some point in the production process it was clearly meant to be a big deal. It’s full of prizes on a competition show, for crying out loud. But the camera always zips past like someone’s afraid it’s the Ark of the Covenant or something. So many ideas that were stifled before they could bloom this season, as though there was a lot of fighting behind the scenes or someone just went totally bats midway through.

My God – is Janice already back on staff?

Laura is so happy that Kyle is off the show that she jumps up and down and does a victory dance and some football chanting. I know the producers want us to believe this is all from BearEarGate, but I suspect there is some Laura-Kyle footage from the cutting room floor that we would very much like to see. Anyway, Laura thinks Kyle was the last of the dead weight, and now it’s A game or nothing from here on out.

We see a shot of Sophie making a snack that seems to be hot sauce drizzled on a stalk of celery. Is that a thing? I’m calling it “fire ants on a log.” Alisha worries over being called too commercial — especially because in London she’s always called editorial — and is freaked about being in the bottom two. She’s woken up, on the warpath and calls herself a beast. The other girls calmly eat while Alisha finishes her mild flip-out.

Credits!

Still Modelland!

Alisha reaches up to put her hands on Sophie’s picture in order to isolate her eye makeup and notes that it enhances her smizing. [Personal to Tyra Banks: Have you noticed that this show’s ratings took a dive when you insisted on everyone treating “smize” like a real word? I’m just saying.]

Alisha’s feeling some pressure to provide for her family and feels grateful for all they’ve done for her. She mentions that her mom and dad each have three jobs. And need to have them in a country with nationalized health care too. Dang. I’m fond of Alisha. She seems to have her head on straight.

Tyra Mail!

“Hope by now you’ve hit your stride. The fashion elite awaits.” So just one member of the fashion elite? Good. That’s way less pressure. [Psst! Tyra! While you’re hiring and firing, you need America’s Current Perfectly Reasonable Copyeditor! Call me!]

Brand Futurist Martin Lindstrom is back! He hopes the models have been working on the lessons he gave them. It is at that point in my notes that you can see the word “WHAT?” Anyway, the ladies are going to a casting and need to make a good first impression.

He says Sophie is bubbly, but shouldn’t get too full of herself, Eboni should stick to her young vibe but not be arrogant. Boy does Eboni hate them harping on her to play little girl all the time. Can you blame her?

Seymone gets called “fiercely real” again (Ugh.), and Alisha has fierce determination, but gets crushed by harsh judging panels too easily. Which is an accurate description of Alisha as a human being, but has nothing to do with making a first impression with a casting. Martin, could you clarify?

Nope! I guess that’s all we have time for. Hope you didn’t need any brand guidance from the future, Laura and Annaliese!

The Beverly Hills Hotel!

Laura tells us that the hotel is elegant and extravagant and looks like it’s from another time. And they must like titles, because Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone is here. Oh, she was just a whisper away from being in time to meet Brand Futurist Martin Lindstrom. If you look up into the upper right-hand corner of your screen, you can see Cupid snap his bow in frustration.

Annaliese, finally getting a scrap of airtime in this episode, is concerned because Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone hates her. Well, yes. I’d call that a valid concern. Annaliese half-jokingly says that Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone doesn’t even want to like her, but I think she may have hit on an important truth.

LPRMKC says the Beverly Hills Hotel is internationally renowned and the home of the fashion elite and man, did someone drive a hard bargain, because we will be praising and celebrating this hotel and the others in its chain all night long.

Anyway, nice digs.

LPRMKC says the models are going to be seen by some of the industry’s most powerful and influential people, and they’ve heard that before, so it looks like they’re wisely holding back on the squee.

They’re also going to get to open a show! Maybe! Anyway, that’s apparently a big honor, so we get some surprised and happy reaction shots, which, uh, may have been recorded in several takes, and on demand.

Bronwyn Cosgrave, who I am immediately saddened to see is the Dorchester Collection Fashion Prize’s chairperson and not someone’s tragically lonely half-elf warrior Dungeons and Dragons character who was raised among humans and only finds true joy in the thick of battle, says the competition is esteemed and the judges are esteemed and the designers are esteemed and the prize is esteemed. The designers stand to win $40,000 and a showing in Paris Fashion Week, so don’t screw it up for them, models!

The models stand to win a night in one of the hotels that is owned by the Dorchester Collection, which was confusing me because I thought it was some fashion house’s clothing collection, but in fact it is a collection of hotels. OK, fine. The hotels are indeed lovely.

I am a wee bit suspicious of how prestigious this Fashion Prize is, though, mostly because the show keeps hammering in the message of how incredibly esteemed and prestigious it is. Take it down a notch, Dorchester Collection Fashion Prize. Do you see the Nobel Prize insecurely bragging about how great it is all the time? No. It’s very relaxed. That’s why Emmy and Oscar are both so hot for it as to be putty in its hands. (Oh, settle down. Everyone knows you don’t give out an internationally recognized collection of science prizes without a little experimenting.)

Anyway, blah blah huge prize elite elite huge deal huge. (Hey, wait a minute. This thing was only three years old this year. That is some rather precocious awarding of elite prestige, kids.) [Personal to Tyra Banks: Google exists.]

Anyway, the models who don’t get chosen to open will still walk, but we will all know their shame. Also they will be made to wear those collars the vet puts on your pet after surgery. OK, no, they won’t. But wouldn’t it be better if they were?

Catherine worries because they’re going to a casting with the designers and she didn’t get booked in Canada. Annaliese, who has realized that her skills as a TV narrator are valuable to the editors but not that they will get her kicked off the show, explains that the models are walking for the designers, and that the terrifying and surly LPRMKC is right there, but she, Annaliese, is just focusing on walking well.

There are eight million designers in this and they all have challenging names, so to save us all a little time we’re going to give their design houses handy pseudonyms. Anyway, the ladies from Bob’s Jewelry say that having good models is important.

LPRMKC is lurking around like the Phantom of the Opera and once again proving her savvy about maintaining a likable public image by constantly making that face you make when you assumed you were getting dill pickles on that sandwich but they turned out to be sweet.

Poor Catherine stumbles right in front of the Bob’s Jewelry ladies. Does she get any points for catching herself on a makeup table? Alas, no. The Bob’s Jewelry ladies say she seems nervous.

OK, we will learn one new name tonight, that of Sophia Sizzi, who is a designer for Bob’s Dresses. Which I’m sure is a very fulfilling job, but Sophia Sizzi is clearly meant to be an actress who is always just taking a sip of her cocktail in a chic movie from the early 1960s. Why does she try to escape the destiny of her name?

LPRMKC says Eboni makes a face that’s too stern and calls her “robots on OxyContin.” Yes, she used the plural. And then she threw away the index card from when she thought of that awesome burn while she was at the grocery store and wrote it down and put it in her purse to use whenever.

Another designer, for Bob’s More Brightly Colored Dresses, likes Annaliese. LPRMKC side coaches the models as they walk and tells Laura not to be so serious. “It’s not the end of the world. It’s only fashion.” Tell that to Nigel.

Sophie bonds with a designer for Bob’s Black, White, and Gray Dresses who lived in Oxford, where Sophie went to a girls’ school. Alisha says she’s seeing a lot of fakery and wishes people would stop acting and just be themselves. Oh, dear. On the other hand, this sequence is clearly cut together from about six different moments, so who knows who Alisha’s actually talking about?

This designer says “It’s very important that the models feel the vibe of my clothes,” but what he means is way less interesting than that sounds.

LPRMKC says, “We did not have what I call ‘a Slayer,'” which I hope means she has a secret love of heavy metal. Anyway, none of the models knock LPRMKC’s socks off. She makes that horse noise where they blow through their lips and (Surprise!) frowns again to make her point.

Commercials!

Say, Tampax, when you named your latest product “Tampax Radiant,” did you think about the fact that “radiant” means “emitting something in all directions from a central point?” Because I don’t think you thought about it quite enough.

Ten minutes until the opening girls are announced!

I have no idea why we’ve been given this arbitrary time stamp! LPRMKC scowls and gives the models some coaching after they have already walked for the designers. Thanks, show! She dislikes Eboni’s fierce face and makes Catherine feel bad for stumbling, because that is LPRMKC’s crabtastic mission in life.

She also says this: “I’ve probably produced over 700 fashion shows, easy. Maybe a thousand…” Oh, LPRMKC. Maybe read some of that advice up above for the Dorchester Prize?

LPRMKC says Seymone swings her arms when she walks and you can’t do that. Seymone is pissy about receiving criticism, this and all other, and the models call her on it. We get a montage of Seymone’s moods. Laura accurately points out that being a grumbleball around people who could hire you is dumb, and Annaliese says Seymone is hard work. All of this is true. But why does LPRMKC get a free pass?

LPRMKC makes the announcements! Alisha is opening for Bob’s Jewelry! Annaliese is opening for Bob’s More Brightly Colored Dresses! Sophie is opening for Bob’s Dresses and Bob’s Black, White, and Gray Dresses! The other girls won’t open for anyone, but they’ll walk with paper bags on their heads.

Two hours before the Big, Prestigious Prize! Seriously, why the time stamps?

There are 8 million judges and we shall not go into them here. Sophie says these people make supermodels and Annaliese runs through a few names. Laura tidily calls them the Fashion Mafia. Let’s leave it at that.

The judges say models are cast based on their character and you have to own your look. Thanks!

Alisha says she doesn’t want to screw things up for her designers, but then she’s in character and ready to rock. At first it looks like she’s been made to carry some sort of fascinating pet cage, but it turns out to be a suitcase that’s covered in square bits of mirror. I’m pretending it’s a disco ball that decided it was time to settle down, have some kids, and get a real job.

Catherine doesn’t fall! Sophie says she’s getting more confident and getting a Sophie Strut! She does look stunning for Bob’s Dresses, and Sophia Sizzi gives the game away and reveals she actually is from a chic ’60s movie by comparing Sophie to Twiggy.

Annaliese looks athletic and bad-ass and LPRMKC admits that she did well.

And the winner of the terribly ancient and prestigious prize goes to Bob’s Jewelry! Alisha wins the challenge! She’s psyched!

Tyra Mail!

“Who knew couture could be so purrrr-fect?” Criminy.

Alisha and Annaliese and Sophie all adorably try to do the tongue roll of the purr with a claw-hand motion. Laura hopes they’ll get to pose with lions or tigers.

Siren Studios!

Ooookay. The models will be posing in specially designed couture made from Hello Kitty products. Also the photographer is Ann He, who is 16 years old and was a finalist in a photography competition in Seventeen. You guys, do you think Tyra is trying for the youth market? I can’t tell.

The outfits are delightfully loonball, so it would be really nice if the CW had posted pictures of more than one of them. I’ll do my best.

Catherine is dressed in Hello Kitty dominoes on her bodice and snap bracelets all around her skirt. I can’t tell what her Elizebethan/Spacewoman collar is made out of. It looks like maybe two layers of pens. You heard me. Catherine likes the shoot because it’s weird and edgy. Jay likes Catherine’s regal jumping. Sophie looks a wee bit miffed at Jay’s happy coaching of someone who is not Sophie.

Alisha is wearing kind of a football (American football)/gladiator/dominatrix thing with Hello Kitty purses for shoulder pads and holy crap, why does Hello Kitty make an adorable pink whip?

“That’s totally embodying the persona of this garment,” says Jay, as Alisha nails her shoot. Oh, all right: I’m going to miss him. Alisha is riding high and says that Hurricane Alisha is coming.

Sophie has been dressed as a pincushion/carp kite in a bonnet. Her dress is bright red and puffy, with little Hello Kitties over it. I typed that sentence in deference to your delicate sensibilities, because I have concerns that she may just be dotted with Hello Kitty heads. Jay and the photographer aren’t into her. Nor is Alisha.

Annaliese is elegant and glowing even though she has kitty faces on her tits and a basket on her head. She also has a pink sheath dress with puffy Hello Kitty heads around the hem of the skirt, and I have no idea what is cascading from her shoulders. They are clearly meant to evoke scales or feathers, and they do a fine job of that, but I have no idea what the individual thingies actually are, or why they seem to have the ends of so many zip cuffs poking out of them.

Seymone has a ridiculous 2-foot-high Geisha wig and she is not amused. She immediately starts grousing, and Mr. Jay says, “In the world of fashion, nothing is ever comfortable.” Alisha says Seymone walks around with a face of death and Sophie agrees that Seymone had major ‘tude and was struggling. I believe I have just come to the realization that Seymone’s kimono collar is made out of flattened Hello Kitty makeup bags. Seymone’s kimonoish thing, in the fleeting glimpses we get of it, looks pretty cool. Why they also made her carry a lantern, we may never know. I hope it secretly has a light-up Hello Kitty skull in it. Jiminy Crickets, Laura has been dressed in lunchboxes and Pez dispensers in a kind of Flamenco dress. I think there might also be some keychains. For some reason, an editor has cut Laura’s lunchbox-and-Pez shoot in with a very serious interview about Laura trying to parent her parents and how much is at stake. She says she can’t let the hugeness of it push her over the edge.

Eboni’s head and shoulders are covered in stuffed animals and she’s got a ruffly skirt that I think is made up of more makeup bags. She still hates the “30-Never” thing, hates it, hates it, hates it, and I am fully in agreement with her on that. On the other hand, if you can’t look young when you are covered in stuffed cartoon kitty heads, when can you? Eboni says she grew up poor and, more to the point, grew up, so to hell with this little-girl Hello Kitty noise.

Jay does not care for her shoot, and, ever helpful, says, “Make a shape for me.” Then he sighs and mutters “The Judges are going to tear her alive. It’s terrible.” I swear to you on all the cuteness in Japan that I wrote my critique of Mr. Jay before I saw this. I swear it.

Panel!

Judges! Designer Georgina Chapman is a guest judge! Whatever, we’ve seen her for all of 30 seconds this episode. Ms. Chapman, I’m sure you’re a very nice and accomplished person, but I ignore thee. Seymone looks stiff. LPRMKC calls the angle of her body “disturbing.” Wow, the judges really take some time to mock her. I guess LPRMKC taught them that index card thing.

Laura is bendy. She looks good. Also looking good? Tyra’s cleavage as she leans over the judging table. Credit where credit is due.

Eboni looks weird and scared. The judges complain that she’s making a fierce face instead of “30-Never.” Eboni is so over this nonsense. Tyra says she should pretend she has Novocain in her entire face. So more drooling?

Catherine looks kind of great to met, but the judges aren’t sure about it. Alisha looks amazing and totally evokes Grace Jones. Everyone loves it, and Alisha is glowing because she knows she’s done well. Sophie looks freaky and good. Bleargh, LPRMKC really takes some time to craft what she thinks will be clever, devastating descriptors a lot. Of Sophie, she says, “I don’t know. It’s like if Debbie Harry left CBGB and ended up in Hello Kitty Land.” She says it like an insult, but in what context would that not be awesome? Also: current ANTM contestants, please raise your hand if you know who Debbie Harry is. I thought so.

Annaliese looks like she’s disengaging from gravity and lifting off to fly straight up into space, but Nigel doesn’t like the face she’s making. Nor does LPRMKC. She says, “It makes me want to say ‘Hasta la vista,'” which makes zero sense in context. None. I think there’s an editor out there fighting the good fight who wants to show how ridiculous her one-liners are.

Tyra says they’ll see who is a Hello Kitty and who is a Bye-Bye Kitty. Oy.

Deliberations!

Tyra talks about bad kitties and Nigel does a mad cat.

LPRMKC calls Catherine’s walk bad and hates Seymone’s walk too. LPRMKC also rats Seymone out for being rude about criticism. Nigel is thrilled with Alisha and Kelly calls her a superstar. They note that this is her first amazing picture.

Ugh, Laura looks great and has interesting angles again, so now the judges are bitching about how she always looks great and has interesting angles. You heard them, Laura! Stand ramrod straight and don’t look so good.

Nigel says it’s a cool shot, but he expects more. Kelly calls Laura a one-trick pony, what with the bending and looking good. Mind you: Laura’s not bending the same way each time. Not by a long shot. She’s just bending around in different ways to try to give them the interesting shapes and shots the judges ask for. Next they’re going to ding Laura for tooching.

The judges hilariously say that Eboni’s outfit is “wearing her.” You guys, her head is surrounded by kitty heads. Really? Also, LPRMKC bitches that Eboni was “dissing all of us by not wearing her pony tails” at the challenge. That is flat-out making something up to be offended by. Is that LPRMKC’s secret super power?

The judges don’t get Sophie’s face, but liked her walk in the show. Annaliese also gets props for walking well.

Decision Time!

Seven girls! Six photos!

Best photo:

Alisha! Annaliese applauds her as she goes up to collect it. Aww.

Runner up:

Sophie!

Next Catherine gets called, and then Laura. Laura tries to assert her determination to pose differently, but Tyra hustles her along. Annaliese skitters out of the dread Bottom Two stigma.

Bottom Two:

Eboni and Seymone. Tyra says they both lack respect. Seymone doesn’t appreciate her opportunity! The judges don’t think Eboni appreciates and respects her awesome forced branding persona! (They are correct! She hates it because it’s degrading and it sucks!)

This Week’s Discontinued Model:

Seymone Well, at least she doesn’t have to be polite when someone calls her “fiercely real” again. Whoops, except one more time: Seymone gets a condescending speech from Tyra about how she has to represent all “fiercely real” girls.

Seymone revs up the pissing and moaning machine. I wish she and LPRMKC had had time to stage a cranky-off. Seymone says that other people should have been eliminated instead because they were ready to walk out (Who? Kyle?) and asks if she can stop talking now, because she seriously wants to stop talking about it. And then she does.

Four Brits and two Americans remain! I am calling the top three as Sophie, Alisha, and Laura. But I could be wrong! Hit the comments and tell me why.

Next Week!

They’re going to Asia! That is extremely unspecific! And Jay tells them they’ll be wearing live silkworms. AWESOME. Meet you right back here, OK?

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