“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.7): Kyle Butts In


Last Week: AzMarie got kicked off! You feeling sad about that, AzMarie?

Four Brits and four Americans (including one member of Team LezBiModel) remain! Goodness gracious, it’s tied again! Is anyone surprised by that? Infants? Plankton? Anyone? Good.

The girls come back and this week the big Box of Product Placement That Fell Through is for the Brits.

Alisha is able to break her one-show strike and chat out loud to the camera because she won Best Picture (or really, Best Person in Team Video) last week. Oh, cobblebollocks, that means no more new swear words.

There is a big shopping bag with a Union Jack on it, and one of the other items is a phone box teapot. To clarify: Tyra and the producers seem to have gotten the Brits cheesy souvenirs from their own homeland as a prize. OK.

Because she is a TV presenter, Anneliese sums up and says that the UK girls are here to win, and they are real models. Thanks for that intriguing color commentary, Annaliese. It’s nothing you didn’t know, but she says it with enthusiasm while looking good and nonthreatening. I think Annaliese has a real future on E!

Kyle and Seymone have what they call a “potato party,” which is the two of them hunched over a single Tupperware container. Who among us has not had a potato party at some point? The two have decided they’re pals now because the other models gang up on them. OK, that’s one way to look at it. They also seem to be the most difficult to deal with on a day-to-day or even minute-to-minute basis. So maybe there’s something in that? Or maybe the editors just hate them. We’ll never know for sure. We just know that the right carbs can solve a lot in the short run.

Also: When Kyle says the other models are ganging up on them, she uses finger quotes. Kyle, do you know how finger quotes work? You have just called your own story into question. I feel like I have so much to teach these girls, and so little time.

Kyle also says the haters should keep hating, because she’s not going to go home. I don’t know why anyone would think hating would make her go home, except for the part where she nearly went home after focus group people loved her and her fellow models pointed out that the consumers loved Kyle in spite of Kyle’s extended suckage, thus giving Kyle a sad.

So, yes, evidence suggests that criticism from her fellow models could, in fact, make Kyle go home, as demonstrated by the past actions of Kyle. I feel like Kyle has memorized a lot of cool-sounding phrases to use on reality shows, but hasn’t really studied up on how and when to deploy them.

Laura and Sophie and a couple of the other Brits talk about the fact that AzMarie was a better model than Kyle, which is a bit of an understatement. Still: Wow, does Laura hate Kyle. “I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her skinny ass,” she says. I kind of want to go to one of those all-day summer barbecues with Laura, the kind where by about four o’ clock everyone is so hot and tired and full that you don’t care if you just breathed in a gnat again because everyone is too busy lazily saying exactly what’s in their heads. I bet Laura is fun at those.

Anyway, Laura reads a few items from her detailed Why Kyle Sucks Excel spreadsheet and accompanying PowerPoint presentation and then says that everyone is ready for Kyle to go home.

Credits! Tyra Mail!

“Beauty Is
In The
The Beholder.”

Somewhere, the entire staff of the Chicago Manual of Style lies weeping.

And, wow, Top Model is really pushing the patented Tyraphrases this year. Is there some sort of late-night infomercial home modeling kit in our future or what?

Sophie thinks it will be a shoot with crazy eye makeup, which is actually a really good guess. Laura thinks they will have to show their own self-worth.

And just when you thought she was descending into nothing but cast-iron hatred for Kyle, Laura says she’s going to work on her own weaknesses, then gives a practical and considered list of what modeling skills she’s lagging on so she can focus her efforts. She reminds us (and herself) that she can’t lose herself in other people, and needs to be working on her own weak points. Good on you, Laura. Make Team LezBiModel proud. You’re our only hope.

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