TV Alert: “Gossip Girl” returns tonight

 
 

When we left the Upper East Side last spring, Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass were canoodling on the streets of Manhattan to the zippity clappity sounds of the Shiny Toy Guns‘ "Seasons of Love."

Tonight, after a too-long summer away, Gossip Girl is finally coming back to us. Can’t you just feel the crackle of destruction in the air? I can! I am so excited!

If you’re on the fence about this season’s Gossip Girl — and really, who can blame you? We all remember what happened when the O.C. and Dawson’s Creek kids went off to college — perhaps I can entice you with CW’s just-released, absolutely ridiculous Glamour Shots for the coming season.

I mean, seriously, this is the kind of thing that goes down with BFFs at suburban malls all the time — when you’re 12. After posing for this photo, Blair and Serena shared a soft pretzel, tried on skirts at Forever 21 and bought a ticket to a PG movie, but sneaked into something rated R.

This, of course, is the album cover for Brooklyn’s latest indie sensation, Humphrey and the Thundercats. Their first single, "Ho!," is going to blow your mind.

If that doesn’t get you, I’ve LOLed some season three screen captures to whet your appetite for the impending insanity.

Here’s the beauty of Gossip Girl: it’s so far removed from reality that you can cackle while the world burns down, and no one will think any less of you! The other beauty of Gossip Girl, of course, is the delicious subtext between Serena and Blair. Lesbians are thin on the ground on TV this fall; we’ve got to take our romance where we can find it.

Also, this season: Chuck’s going gay! Georgina is moving in with Blair! Hilary Duff is moving in with Vanessa! Kelly Rutherford had her baby, so we can see Lily’s whole body again! Tyra Banks is guest starring! And that’s only in the first five episodes!

Oh, and there’s this:

You’re right: I made that up. And I’ll keep making it up if you’ll join me for a whole season’s worth of implausible drama!

Gossip Girl is coming at you tonight on The CW. Gossip Girl recaps are coming to you tomorrow, right here! Who’s with me?

 
 

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