TV Alert: “Glee” returns tonight and we talk rest of the season

It’s back, it’s really back. After only 125 breaking into spontaneous song-and-dance free days, Glee returns tonight from its long winter’s nap. Damn, kids, took you long enough.

Yesterday our very own Heather Hogan gave you all a quick refresher on all the key relationships on the show. But now it’s time to talk expectations. As the final nine episodes of the season unfurl, what can we expect from the New Directions gang? What songs will be sung? How many hands will be jazzed? How many track suits will Sue Sylvester wear? When will the lesbian cheerleaders be lesbian?

Tonight’s episode, titled “Hell-O,” has the glee club on a high after winning sectionals. So, you know, that won’t last long. Let the mighty Jane Lynch explain what’s to come (Note: Spoilerish, but come on, we’re talking Sue Sylvester here!)

Oh, Sue. Don’t ever change. Tonight will also introduce rival Vocal Adrenaline choir director Shelby Corcoran, played by Broadway veteran Idina Menzel. She calls Shelby “ambitious,” “bold” and “strong.” Also, you get to hear Idina say “lipstick lesbian.” You know you want to click now.

Next week the much ballyhooed Madonna episode will air. TV Guide caught up with the cast for a cover shoot to promote the Material Girl theme. Jane Lynch in a cone bra makes everything right with the world.

Yesterday the cast finished filming its Lady Gaga episode. Chris Colfer, who plays Kurt, tweeted that he was nervous about dancing 10-inch heels. Later he reported that he only fell three times, which he called a “Monster Ball miracle.” Here he is in costume with Jenna Ushkowitz as Tina, who is rocking the bubble dress. These kids are so darn cute.

Then — as if we needed any more confirmation — Naya Rivera (who plays Santana) confirmed for the last hold-outs that Brittana is indeed real. In a Maxim interview, the actress posed for some pictures and explained the “Sex is not dating” scene.

The whole relationship between Santana and her sidekick, Brittany, is hilarious. In the last episode before we went to break, I said, “Sex is not dating,” and Brittany says, “If it were, Santana and I would be dating.” I asked director, Brad Falchuk, “Are we doing this because she doesn’t know what sex means, or did we in fact hook up?” He said, “Oh, no, you hooked up!” I was like, “OK!”

Let’s just hope they hook up again, and make it official. Also, holy sexting, Santana. Um, so I guess she does wear something other than that Cheerio uniform. And by “something,” I mean less.

Oh, Glee, don’t ever leave us for that long again. We need your all-singing, all-dancing, super-gay magic in our lives. Also, we need more Jane in a cone bra.

So, on a scale of one to ZOMGZOMGZOMG, how excited are you that Glee is back tonight? And, don’t forget, it starts at the weirdo time of 9:28 p.m. We wouldn’t want you to bust a window because you missed a minute.

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