Previously on True Blood, Pam finally tracked down Eric only to find that he was infected with Hep-V, Tara’s mom started touching hot stoves and juggling knives and teasing hippopotamuses trying to get injured enough to score some more vampire blood, much of the town’s womenfolk was still in the clutches of the Hep-Vamps, the remaining townsfolk rebelled against all supernatural creatures, and Sookie ran over to Bill’s in the middle of the night because she has a quota to hit for putting her life in danger at least once every six hours.
This week begins in far-off Los Angeles, where a bunch of pretty people are doing yoga while this guru yells at them, “YOU ARE THE ONLY CREATURE THAT EXISTS. YOU ARE A UNIVERSE UNTO YOURSELF.” It appeals to their sense of narcissism and tightens their asses, so it’s really the perfect LA exercise. Here is one of my main beefs with this season: in Louisiana it’s anarchy in the streets; entire towns have disappeared without a trace and the situation is increasingly apocalyptic. But meanwhile, people are going about being naked and sexy in France, and new age and obnoxious in LA, and opinionated and out of touch in Washington D.C. So what exactly is the scale of this disaster, and why aren’t more people talking about it? In a show where I expect a certain degree of logical inconsistency, this is pushing me just a little too far. But I can’t really stay mad, because one of the people in this yoga class is none other than my favorite evangelical stiletto-stabber, Sarah Newlin, currently going by the name Noomi. I knew that Anna Camp was coming back this season, and I suppose it makes perfect sense that this is the next stop on her Tour of World Religions.
After the title sequence (which is already making me a little misty in anticipation of seeing it for the last time) we jump back to the Rhone Valley, where Pam is very upset with Eric both for getting infected with a deadly disease and making her track him all over the world. But the Eric we see now seems completely apathetic and immune to pleasure or pain.
She tells him of Tara’s death, and he doesn’t even react. Pam asks if this is all about Sylvie (everyone in the bar: “who is Sylvie?”) and he replies that it’s about all the loves he has lost: Godric, Nora, and this mysterious Sylvie person. With that we flashback to 1986, when Eric was dressing like the cover of a romance novel, and wooing the aforementioned Sylvie, a human woman with breasts. These qualities are meant to indicate that he loved her really and truly, and we are treated to a scene of them humping wildly in a moonlit vineyard. Their tender coitus is interrupted by the arrival of none other than Nan Flanagan, HBIC of the Authority, and one of True Blood’s many dead lesbian characters. Nan Flanagan, I have missed you like crazy.
Nan Flanagan (one must always call her by her full name because it is so much fun to say) is there to yell and Eric and Pam for failing to pay their taxes and sucking on humans right out in the open, and generally refusing to play by the Authority’s rules. She and Pam have the following, perfect exchange.
Pam: I don’t like you.
Nan Flanagan: That’s not fair, Ms. De Beaufort. Were the circumstances of our meeting different, I think you and I could have been friends. (Her mouth says “friends” but her eyes say “naked friends.”)
Pam: I can see it. What size shoes do you wear?
Guys, I would be totally down for a spinoff called Eric and Pam and Their Respective Haircuts Fuck Their Way Across Europe.
Nan Flanagan tells our duo about the coming arrival of Tru Blood and mainstreaming, meaning that in the meantime, vampires have to be very careful to keep a low profile. Pam agrees to toe the line, but Eric refuses to bow to any authority other than his own rapacious desires. After Nan Flanagan leaves, promising vengeance, Pam warns Eric that they need to GTFO of France, but Eric promises to protect both her and Sylvie. I have a feeling that doesn’t work out very well for anyone.
When we return to the present day, Alcide hops out of the shower to find Sookie missing. He traces her scent to Bill’s house and runs there topless, as a favor to straight women and gay men. But Sookie and Bill are nowhere to be found.
That would be because they have run off together because Sookie has a Brilliant Plan that involves her blood connection to Bill. There’s just one problem, and it is the dumbest plot device in the history of the world. Bill and Sookie are no longer linked by blood, because when Bill let all of Vamp Camp feed on him, he was drained of every drop that made him a manipulative, heartless egomaniac. Conveniently, this means
1. He can’t be blamed for the actions of this past self, even though he is vewy, vewy sowwy.
2. Sookie has to drink more of his blood now and have sex dreams about him, probably.
While he was explaining this whole situation, the bartender pouring my beer hissed “that is just so typical of a guy.” Anyway, Sookie starts sucking his wrist while saying that she has a boyfriend. Just when you think the show has exhausted every bit of blowjob/bloodsucking imagery, it pulls one more out of the hat.
In the Bon Temps jail, Adilyn and Wade almost kiss, but Jessica rescues them at the last second, thank god. Together, they and Andy break free of the jail and go out to confront the crazed and heavily armed Bon Tempians.
In the church, Sam and Reverend Daniels talk about death and frozen pizza and I don’t care and then Lettie Mae comes in still hallucinating Tara and I don’t care some more.
Sam and Matt the vampire (who nearly saved Terry’s life last season) skedaddle but are roadblocked by the Redneck Goon Squad, led by Alt-Mayor Vince and Maxine Hortenberry. Vince shoots Matt into smithereens (R.I.P. yet another gay character) and is about to do the same to Sam, but Sam transforms into an owl and flies away.
OK, so remember last week in St. Alice when Andy started talking about how the most important thing in a man’s life is family, and Jason’s eyes did that shiny thing they do when he swallows someone else’s ideology hook, line, and sinker (something he and Sarah Newlin have in common, actually)? Well, those chickens are coming home to roost this week, because he asks if Violet would be interested in raising a passel of children with him. She accuses him of being nothing like the thoughtless, emotionless warrior she fell in love with, and he refuses to apologize for thinking and feeling. Their long-overdue breakup is postponed by the arrival of Andy, Jessica, and company, who warn him that Sookie might be in danger from the band of roving yokels. (Of course, they’re really all in danger, but for some reason all their concern centers on Sookie). The grownups go off in search of Sook, leaving Adilyn and Wade to deflower each other even though Bailey Noble is 24 and Noah Matthews is 18, so it looks kind of weird when their faces are together.
One thing to be grateful for in season seven is that the writers have finally figured out that Lafayette is the reason half of True Blood’s audience still watches this show. So they treat us to a long shot of him dancing around his bong collection, before being interrupted by Hollister James, who is here too bum some more weed. Lafayette asks him why he wants his consciousness altered, and James starts in to complaining about his relationship with Jessica. Apparently it’s all “Adilyn this” and “Adilyn that” and “Oh God I killed all her sisters how will she ever love me now.” I can believe it, but it might have been nice to actually see their relationship dissolving, rather than devoting so much time to irrelevant flashbacks. Anyway, in an effort to get them both high, Lafayette mixes a handful of pills and offers James his intoxicating blood. I think this is the clearest sign yet of how bad Lafayette’s state of mind is, since a veteran drug dealer like him knows that mixing pharmaceuticals is one of the easiest ways to end up dead.
Speaking of the soon-to-be-deceased, the Hep-Vamps at Fangtasia decide to go hunting and bring Holly along with them as “trail mix.”