Previously on True Blood, Alcide and Wereverly Hillbillies kidnapped Emma and beat up Sam and Lafayette, which I didn’t mention in the last recap for Artistic Reasons, and not because I Forgot About It. Also, humanity passed some awfully Draconian anti-vampire laws, and all the vampires were like, shocked that anybody had a problem with them draining their precious bodily fluids.
This week begins at the Louisiana governor’s mansion, in dumb, pointless Baton Rouge. Eric is just about to murder the governor’s daughter, out of a mixture of hunger and vengeance, when she offers to tell him about her father’s experiments. Curious, Eric decides to take this meal to go and kidnaps her to Fangtasia. Pam and Tara are none too pleased with this decision, but Eric does that thing where he totally ignores their protests and orders them to pack their things, because they are leaving Fangtasia for good. They trudge off like sulky teenagers while Willa Burrell spills the beans on her daddy. It’s mostly stuff we already know, which is that Governor Burrell is committed to destroying the vampire race. Tara and Pam come back with their belongings (only one velvet painting, Pam? Really?) and say goodbye to Fangtasia, both as their home and as a symbol of human/vampire coexistence. Over Pam’s protests, they bring Willa along as a hostage/snack. They wind up hiding out with former bartender Ginger, one of my favorite supporting characters, where Willa comes on to Eric and reveals that her mom actually had an affair with a vampire.
Remember that bell jar in Harry Potter and The Order of The Pheonix where the life cycle of a hummingbird was endlessly repeated (just one of about a dozen brilliant ideas J.K. Rowling crammed into the Department of Mysteries, the big showoff)? Sookie’s house is like that, but instead, it is the life cycle of a catastrophe. So when Grandpa Niall berates her for not being more alarmed about Warlow, she is like, “I’ve lived through five seasons of this shit, and if I started panicking every time I find out that an immortal creature thinks I’m his property, I wouldn’t have any adrenaline left.” Anyway, she is more concerned about Jason, whose repeated concussions are starting to damage on his already compromised brain. I love it when shows do that, by the way; tell us that seasons of action take a toll on a person’s body and heart and mind.
Speaking of concussions, Sam and Lafayette awaken from theirs to find beautiful veela activist lady taking care of them.
Nicole: I hope the fact that I’m caring for you mitigates the fact that I was spying on you.
Asshat: I was there too. I’m her boyfriend.
Nicole: (Rolls eyes.)
Asshat: So you guys got your asses kicked pretty good by those werewolves. Any chance you could score me an interview with them? You have to tell me because I’m a filmmaker.
Lafayette: Any chance you could pull your head out from your rectum and give me some feedback as to how “hunty” is working as a bitchy term of endearment?
Nicole: Well, despite my chosen profession as shit-starter, I am really not into confrontation, so I guess I’ll be going.
Asshat: Yeah. With me. Her boyfriend.
Nicole: (Mimes hanging self.)
After they leave, Lafayette offers his help to Sam’s cause, which is great, I guess, except I wish he could have his own storyline instead of just being the funny gay sidekick.
Over at Bill’s mansion, Bilith has had a revelation, which is: since he hallucinated talking to Lilith in the sunshine, that must mean he is immune to sunlight! Jessica tries to talk him out of testing this theory, but he has the confidence of someone who just dropped ten hits of acid and is ready to take flight with a pair of homemade wings.
He lets the dawn wash over him, holding his arms apart in a gesture of unbelievable grandiosity, even for him, and BURSTS INTO FLAME. At which point, the bar where I watch True Blood BURSTS INTO APPLAUSE. Led by me, obviously.
At the Thibodeaux Field Fairy Club, Niall finds that all the fairies have been massacred by an extremely powerful vampire. Outside the club he meets Ben of the Unfortunate Facial Hair, and starts blurting his entire life story to him, which is exactly what he made fun of Jason for doing. And, in case you’ve never watched TV before, Ben is Warlow. Warlow is Ben. My evidence is as follows.
-We have only ever seen Warlow in a hat and beard which could easily be covering a Ben.
-Even the fairies Warlow massacred didn’t initially recognize him as a vampire.
-His feasting on fairy blood would account for his ability to hang out in the sunlight.
-I don’t like Ben and this is the only way he could possibly be interesting.
-Sookie does like Ben and, as we all know, Sookie only likes vampires.