Previously on True Blood, Terry died and it was sad, Governor Burrell died and it was spectacular, and Nora died and it was mostly gross. Jessica decided that if she was already doomed to be a monster then she might as well go all out, so she lost her V-V-card to Abercrombie James. And Bill was convinced that the only way to save his brethren from the sun was to make out with Warlow. It was a really good plan, okay? The only problem was that Sookie had him tied to a gravestone and hadn’t decided if she wanted to wander the earth as his vampire bride or just keep him there as a sex toy.
So Eric is still mourning Nora even though it has been, like, five whole minutes, which is enough time for some Bon Temps residents to find and lose love several times over.
Bilith: Come on, bro. Let’s saddle up and find us a fairy. Whoa, that sounded gayer than I meant it.
Eric: Are you kidding me with this shit right now? My sister’s entrails are still warm.
Bilith: Well, not to be a grammar Nazi or whatever but wouldn’t her viscera be cold?
Eric: GET OOOOOOOUT.
Eric leaves to deal with his grief in his own way and Bill resolves to continue is his power-induced mania alone.
Back at Camp Werewolf (OMG imagine if it were really a camp! Arts and crafts would be “designing your own breakaway Carhartts!”) Alcide is learning a hard lesson. That lesson is: when you engage in a threesome with two women, you run the risk that they will form a twosome to which you are not invited. There are whole movies dedicated to the subject, and that is what happened with Rikki and Danielle, who have discovered the joys of boobs and would like to turn this pack into more of a matriarchy. Rikki challenges Alcide for packmaster, knowing he’s bigger and stronger, but counting on the fact that he’s too nice to kill her. She’s right, and Alcide leaves the pack with Nicole and Nicole’s mom in tow, which is probably the best outcome for everybody.
In Vamp Camp (a real camp but the bad kind), Pam and Jessica emerge from their respective hookups. Pam describes her tumble with her therapist as “oozy but productive,” which, even in light of later events, is the most traumatic part of this episode. Elsewhere, everyone is nervously trying to figure out what Violet’s deal is. Jason, for one, is not sure how he feels about being her property forever. On the one hand, she is hot in a Slytherin kind of way, and she’s protecting him from all the other lady vamps, but on the other hand, “forever” is an awfully long time.
Also facing this conundrum is Sookie, who is weighing her wish to keep her vampire friends alive against spending her life with Warlow, who is the Worstlow. He makes marriame a condition of his blood donation, to which Sookie adorably says, “fucking eternity? It’s like all men are incapable of just wanting to date me.”
She leaves Instagram to mull it over, but Eric sees her portal and tries to find a way through. He has it in for Warlow, because he’s still at that “anger” stage of grief.
Back at Vamp Camp, the contaminated Tru Blood is finally hitting the shelves, even though the doctors said it would be ready in fifteen minutes TWO EPISODES AGO. Pam arrives back in gen pop and she and Tara exchange some meaningful eye contact about not drinking the koolaid, and that’s it. I mean, maybe they want to downplay their connection so they aren’t forced into a gladiator type situation, but that is my extremely generous interpretation. (My less generous one is that the writers decided Tara wouldn’t get to do anything this season except advise other vampires.) Without the Tru Blood, the lady vamps are getting a bit peckish, and specifically would like permission to peck at Jason. At Tara’s behest, Pam asks if they can all have a turn, but Violet says no because she doesn’t believe in sharing her toys. Over in the boys’ section, Steve Newlin shares his school bullying stories, and it’s sad enough to convince James that his life is worth saving, so he tells him not to drink the blood. Like. A. Moron. Jessica certainly has a type.
Remember how last week Sam and Alcide shocked us all by doing the right thing? Well, that was way too good to last. When Alcide “returns” Nicole and Mother–like they are Sam’s fucking chain wallet that he dropped–Sam notices something odd when he smells Nicole. That something is that she is pregnant, but he decides not to inform her of this as he gets drunk with Alcide. The next day, he says he loves her and will she please stay with him in Certain Death, Louisiana despite the fact that he still hasn’t told her she’s pregnant. But she’s declares that she loves him too, despite the fact that she probably doesn’t even know his middle name.
Now is a really good moment to bring up the subject of time on True Blood. I am hardly the first person to notice how much seems to happen in a Bon Temps week, or to remind you that whole seasons frequently take place over the course of a few days. That makes sense in terms of momentum, but not emotion. Sam being “in love” with Nicole just days after Luna died in his arms is bullshit. There’s a difference between pulling my leg and ripping it out of its socket, and the timelines of this show do the latter. Yet another case in point is Sookie just now noticing that Niall has been missing for days, and rather than investigating, choosing to down some Southern Comfort. It’s not even the drinking I take issue with; it’s that she doesn’t add a mixer.
The next day, Sookie goes to Bill’s house to hear the Grand Master Plan.
Bilith: So I’m gonna sneak into the concentration camp, like, I’ll be disguised somehow, and carry Warlow with me in a bag or something and break into the sun room and then feed all the vampires his magic blood AND THEN sneak out before anyone notices. IT’S FOOLPROOF.
Sookie: But why not just go at night and rescue them?
Bilith: OHMYME SOOKIE, try and keep up. Here, would you like some Lilith blood or some Adderall?
Sookie: I have to marry Worstlow if I do this, so excuse me for needing to hash out the details. Do you not even care about my nuptials?
Bilith: NO. I HAVE STOPPED PRETENDING TO BE NICE. AGAIN: KEEP UP.
Sookie next travels to Merlotte’s, where she interrupts Nicole’s mom desperately trying to talk her daughter out of being “in love” with Sam. While Nicole tries to explain compressed Bon Temps time, Sookie commits an act of desperation.
Sookie: Hey, remember how you were always in love with me and I was always blowing you off? Well, this is my last stop before going all Corpse Bride, so are you still in? I could blow the last of my fairy light and we could be a normal couple!
Sam: As what, your fallback? God, I feel so Hermione at the Yule Ball right now.
Sookie: So Nicole is your Krum?
Sam: No, she’s my Fleur. Now piss off.
Sookie pisses off to the graveyard, where she gives a speech that can only be understood by people who know the special sort of pain of losing a loved one twice. The first time is the physical loss, to death or distance or addiction, and the second is finding out something about them that makes you feel you never really knew them at all. To have a person ripped from your life is hard, but to have your love and respect taken as well can be unbearable. It is unbearable to Sookie, who is so disgusted by being the inheritor of her parent’s legacy, that she wants to disown them by becoming the thing they hated. Her decision to go to Warlow, then, is not about Warlow at all. Which is the only way it could ever make sense to me, so good job, writers.
And some of the best scenes of the episode are Terry’s funeral scenes, but they don’t further the plot, so I will just say that Arlene (Carrie Preston) is amazing, and I’m glad she’s getting some long-overdue recognition.
This week in Anna Camp: (who is the best camp, even better than summer camp) she tortures Steve for information by making him run on a giant hamster wheel, which is priceless. When she learns that all our favorite vampires know about the poisoned Tru Blood, she has them all isolated in the now-infamous sun room. Then Ms. Suzuki of the Tru Blood Suzukis shows up, all “you assholes are poisoning my customers.” What follows is the best, bloodiest scene of this season, and I really didn’t think anything could top Bill beheading the governor.
First off, Anna tries to appeal to Suzuki’s sense of glass ceiling-breaking sisterhood. But Suzuki recognizes this bullshit tactic and is like “Bitch, please. Just because we can both rock a power suit does not mean we share the same ideals.” AND THEN SHE KNEES HER IN THE VAGINA AND STORMS THE CONCENTRATION CAMP.
But the thing about prisons is: they are hard to get out of. Suzuki runs through the camp, getting more and more lost and more and more horrified, with Newlin close behind. They can only run so fast because: heels! And indeed, it is these very stilettos that spell doom for the good-intentioned Ms. Suzuki. First she breaks her ankle, then Sarah stabs her to death with a heel, and finally the vampires drain her dry even though she was Just Trying To Help. And across the nation, butch-leaning lesbians clutch their girlfriends’ arms and cry “See? This is why we don’t wear heels. Shit like this.”
Finally this week, Sookie goes to her Black Wedding in the merry olde land of Instagram, only to find that Eric has already been there. He drank some of Adilyn’s blood (in an intensely problematic rapey scene), for the purpose of breaking into Instagram and slitting Warlow’s throat, presumably just so he could deny Bill the pleasure. God, Eric, enough with the grief thing. It’s been a whole day.
So next week Pam and Tara are trapped in a room together, about to face their doom. So they have to talk, right? Yeah, I’m not getting my hopes up either.