“True Blood” recap (6.5): God wants me to f–k you

Previously on True Blood, the government kidnapped Pam.  I mean, whatever, other stuff happened too—Ben was Warlow, Alcide was a dick, and Jessica accidentally massacred fairies—but mostly: the bastards got Pam.  And, much as it pains me to say so, I’m not sure she’s going to make it out of this one.

jess

We open this week in the immediate aftermath of Jessica’s fairy binge.  She’s racked with guilt, but also higher than a space station. So high in fact, that she breaks the Cardinal Rule and tries to kiss Bill.  He pushes her away, thank god, and tells her to sleep it off.  Then, completely unmoved by the bodies of the dead teenage fairies decorating his living room, he rushes off to find another source for their precious blood. Of course, this quest leads him to Sookie’s place, where she’s continuing to channel the spirit of feminism.

Warlow: But I love you! We’re destined for each other!

Sookie: Jesus. GET A NEW LINE, VAMPIRES.

Warlow:  But…my abs?

Sookie: Oh, sweetie. (Whips out picture of Alcide.)

Warlow: Fuuuuuuuck.

The fact that Warlow killed Sookie’s parents is just one of many dealbreakers in this scenario, but he insists he only killed them to save her; that they, in fact were about to murder her.  They don’t have time to discuss this possibility, though, because Bill marches in.  It seems he’s made a connection: since Lilith was Warlow’s maker and Bill is now Bilith, he has the ability to order Warlow around.  The whole concept of  “as your maker I command you” is very central to this episode.  Anyway, this arrangement leads to some of the most comically awful flashbacks in the show’s history.  Come close my children, and hark to Tale of Borelow.

So apparently, back in 3500 B.C., folks were just living every day like it was the first day of a jam band festival.  Clothing was optional, everything was slightly blurry, and no one stunk from the lack of showers yet.  Young Warlow stepped away from this paradise for a brief beer run when he ran into the predictably naked Lilith.  She jumped his bones instantly (seriously, I’m not like, super much of an expert in the mechanics of straight sex, but I’m pretty sure you need at least two solid seconds of foreplay). After this brief coitus, she turns him into the world’s onlyest fairy/vamp hybrid. But like any relationship in which sex occurs before names are exchanged, this one sours quickly.

However, when Borelow returns to his fairy commune, he carries his newfound hunger with him, and accidentally massacres his entire village, with the exception of Sookie’s Grandpa. Racked with guilt, he travels to Lilith’s cave (coughFreudiancough) and uses his fairy lasers to blast a hole in the roof. Lilith reacts the same way my girlfriend does when I open the curtains in the morning, and instantly bursts into flames.  Borelow splits, and I guess someone comes in right after him to collect what remains of her blood.

While Billow (their ship name, get on board) flashbacks, Andy shows up and finds the bodies of his daughters.  Not very surprisingly, one has survived.  He rushes off to feed her some vampire blood and hopefully name her, finally.

This week in Everything Anna Camp Does Is Perfect: Sarah Newlin tries to convince Governor Burrell that they should make a little bigot of their very own. He tells her he’s kind of more focused on imprisoning his existing daughter right now, and her hair droops like a puppy’s ears. Seeking solace/someone to appreciate her lingerie, she goes off in search of Jason Stackhouse.  She woos him with the immortal line “I truly believe God wants me to fuck you,” and Jason, reluctant to disobey the will of the Almighty, complies.  What follows is a sex scene made even more egregious by the fact that you and I are still living off of one measly Pam/Tara kiss.

After they do the deed, Jessica shows up, still remorseful and still tripping balls. What Jason and I both love about Jessica is that she’s the only vampire on this show who truly values life, a subject about to be explored further by Pam.  But Sarah Newlin is not so much interested in that as she is in the fact that she just slept with a man who sleeps with vampires. She has Jessica arrested and storms off, howling about how her body is a “fucking temple.”

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