“True Blood” Recap (5.11): “They can keep their laws off my body”

 
 

Lucky for your tender little heart, this week’s episode of True Blood was brought to you by queer women – specifically, by Jessica Clark‘s naked lesbian body and Angela Robinsons lesbian writer brain.

We open with Lilith appearing to Bill to let him know that he’s the chosen one. I was immediately suspicious of this decision because obviously Bill is the worst. Lilith is covered in what looks like period blood and urges Bill to drink all of it. She then smears some blood on the glass that showcases her blood vial. And I have officially come to the conclusion that she is the only person in the world who could look hot in head-to-toe blood makeup.

Nora, meanwhile, is having some second thoughts about following Lilith’s boobs into heaven. Nothing says “this was a bad idea” like watching a vampire goddess tear the head off of your maker, so … Even though Nora is having second thoughts, she manages to distract Salome from catching on by kissing her on the lips and staring deeply into her eyes. I wonder if they are doing it and why we don’t get to see it.

Poor Jessica tries to use Bill’s phone to call Jason to warn him about the gay vampires coming to drink him/violate his body. What she hadn’t taken into account is that Bill is totally fine with whatever happening to Jason because he’s out of fucks to give regarding humans. Then Jessica tries to lie and say that maybe she could turn Jason into a vampire, but parents always know when you’re lying and Jessica can’t put her foot in her fangy mouth fast enough to take it back. And so Bill sends her to Bon Temps, with a security detail, to turn Jason. Eek!

Nora runs to Eric’s big Viking arms, and with some meaningful eye contact and then some pelvic thrusts, manages to communicate that she’s changed her mind about the whole Lilith thing. Siblings really have such an intimate way of communicating, you know? Her head looks so much tinier than his while they do it. Also I feel like there are so many people on this show that I would like to see having sex that we really don’t have time to waste with redundant sex scenes.

The American government shows up to the Authority, because apparently Roman and some General used to get together and jerk each other off about mainstreaming. The General knows that the vampires bombed the Tru-Blood factories and warns them about fancy weaponry and Pentagon talks about eradicating vampires. Unfortunately, the Authority warns him right back, and it’s all very tense. The government has video of Russell and Steve killing everyone at a frat party, so that might be a bad thing soon. But as he is leaving, Eric decides to break his neck.  So that’s going to be an even worse thing.

But before it gets terrible, Eric and Nora use it as an excuse to leave the Authority and embark on a glamouring campaign. But it’s really just an excuse to escape and fly off into the night together. That was easy!

Jessica arrives in Bon Temps with her two supervisors and pretends to turn Jason. It’s unclear if he understands the secret plan or not, but then as the two goons are burying them, he pops up and shoots ‘em. Once again, killing vampires sometimes looks very simple. Jessica warns him that Russell is coming for Sookie, and he runs off to warn her.

Meanwhile at Fangtasia, Pam and Tara discuss vampire politics, as Pam tells Tara about the Authority. Tara feels strongly that “they can keep their laws off my body,” but Pam tells her that they can actually do whatever they want. I used to have a t-shirt that said “Keep your laws off my body,” because I, like Tara, am a big homo.

Jessica shows up and begs Pam to hide her. Pam initially says that she’s not a halfway house for wayward baby vamps, but Jessica knows where Eric is. Pam agrees to hide her in exchange for answers.

Sookie seeks help for her Warlow problem from the elder fairy, who is the eldest in all the land. Since she’s so old and has existed in so many abstract dimensions and been so many different beautiful things, she has a hard time focusing, and dances around while quizzing Sookie about pop culture. Can you tell a queer wrote this? She tells Sookie that there is a reason she sluts her heart out to vampires (she DOES do that!!). Unfortunately, just as the elder is about to tell Sookie about Warlow, Jason comes to the fairy tent to warn them about Russell. Inspired by an impassioned speech from Sookie, the fairies decide to unite to fight him.

In werewolf country, Alcide is showing his dad his pectorals when a wolf friend stops by to warn them about gangs of baby vampires coming their way. We learn that Alcide’s dad stole money from the pack and that’s why they kicked him out. Later that night, a scary gang of baby vampires do indeed show up, and it’s my worst nightmare. Alcide goes after them with a gun and his big, big, fists, and his daddy shows up to lend a crossbow to the effort.

Meanwhile, Andy is super excited to commit to his witchy girlfriend Holly, which is great timing for a very pregnant Morella to roll up and demand he take responsibility for the bun in her oven. He swore upon the light by touching her lit up finger, which is why she shared his flesh, and to deny that is like an act of war or something really extreme like that. That’s a good point and you should all remember it for the next time you are having a monogamy conversation.

Back at Fangtasia, Pam tells Tara and Jessica about nest behavior – when vampires live together they become sadistic. I totally forgot about that! But yeah, the Authority is totally a nest. When she leaves, Jessica asks Tara if she and Pam are into each other and Tara looks like she is throwing up in her mouth. I think she doth protest too much. Jessica doesn’t know anyone of the “gay persuasion,” which is why she is asking about it, and maybe her earnest curiosity is indicative of a deeper curiosity if you know what I mean. Also she doesn’t have any friends! Sad!! Tara says she’ll bring her a fang banger. And later, when Tara’s back at the bar, she and Pam totally have eye sex. The build up of this might actually kill me.

Sadly, into Fangtasia walks the Authority member who was the maker of the sheriff that Tara killed. She can smell his blood on Tara, but Pam takes the blame. She’s so brave. Pam is arrested and taken to the Authority, while Tara flares her nostrils nervously. Then Jessica is spotted and taken into custody as well. I can’t take this.

Lilith appears to Bill once again, repeating that she has chosen him. She has such a sexy voice! This time she smears the blood on his lips. But then he happens upon another Chancellor who claims to have been chosen by Lilith and so he smites him. Then Lilith appears to Salome and tells her that she’s the chosen one, so now it’s clear that Lilith’s plan is to pick the chosen one by having them all try to kill each other. Great!

Sam and Luna finally find Emma within the Authority, only to be caught by guards. That hot dyke guard from last week comes to request someone’s breakfast, and Sam volunteers to be the meal. I hope he has a plan. As he is guided out, he passes by Pam. He asks her to help Luna but clearly she has no idea who Luna is.

As planned, Jason waits for Russell and Steve out on Sookie’s porch. When they show up, they glamour him into guiding them to the fairies – which is probably what they planned. Russell and Steve are driven into an orgasmic fury by the smell of the fairies in the field. As Sookie urges them to leave the secret tent and fight him, the elder decides that the plan has changed. She goes out into the field by herself to battle him, but she accidentally hits Jason with her turbo-charged fairy light instead of Russell. And then he grabs her and drinks all of her blood until she disappears into a fairy dust cloud! Which gives him the power to see the fairy’s hiding spot. Terrifying!

You guys, next week is the season finale. I need to know all of your feelings and predictions about it immediately. My number one feeling is that if there isn’t lesbian sex, I’m going to stop believing in vampires.

 
 

Tags: , , , ,