“True Blood” mini-cap 3.3: “It Hurts Me, Too”

Tara is behind the bar at Merlotte’s and gets a call that Egg’s funeral is happening. She rushes to the cemetary and finds no mourners there. She’s the only one to remember him — until Sookie steps out from behind a tree. Why the hell was she hiding? It’s not like Tara was going to see her and go "Aw hell no!" Sookie might have helped Eggs remember he was a murderer, but Tara will forgive her someday — especially since Sookie paid for the casket.

We travel back in time, suddenly, to the 1800s when Bill returns to visit his wife and children after having gone missing. He, of course, is a vampire now, but his wife doesn’t know it at first. It’s been three years! Her name is Caroline, and it just doesn’t have the same ring to it that "Sookeh" does.

His son, Thomas, died from the pox and he is laid to rest in their living room. Their daughter has been sent to Tennessee in order to stay quarantined. This is so sad it makes Bill cry — tears of blood!

Caroline freaks out. "Are you afflicted?" She shoots him and learns vampires are pretty quick to repair themselves. She freaks out yet again.

And then, like a good neighbor, Lorena is there. She wants to kill Caroline, who says she wants to die anyway, now. "I can’t bear this anymore!" I bet that together they were the most dramatic couple ever, with their own soliloquies and overabundance of emotion. I smell a spin-off.

Bill wakes up — it was just a dream. Since it was in the 1800s, it’s fair to assume she’s definitely dead by now anyway.

Someone else is dreaming, too: Jason showed up for his exam without pants on. When he goes to turn his jibberish-looking paper in, we get a glimpse of his ass and his classmates laughing at him.

Naked man-butt count: 2.

Lafayette wakes him up. They’re at work and Jason had dozed off in his truck. They hear Hoyt screaming from the ditch he’s working in: There’s a headless body in it. It’s Jessica’s missing body, but nobody there knows it. The sheriff quits, upset that there are dead bodies showing up all over the place. This might be Jason’s time after all!

Sookie is trying to clean the were blood off her porch when she hears someone coming behind her. He’s thinking "This must be her." She runs inside and he follows, telling her Eric sent him. "I’m Alcide. I’m going to look after you."

Alcide tests Sookie’s mind-reading by asking her questions in his head. She answers them matter-of-factly while sipping some tea. She sure showed him.

Alcide shares that he is in debt to Eric for helping his dad out with a loan. He also tells her knows the pack she’ll be up against in Jackson. His ex is "banging" their leader. Ouch.

Bill’s back to dreaming: He glamours Caroline, making her forget he was ever there. "Go on, you brought this upon her," Lorena says, adding he cannot see her again — ever. She’s always been in control of Bill. No wonder she’s anti-Sookie.

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