“True Blood” Episode 501 Recap: “Turn! Turn! Turn!”

Papi – I’m sorry, I mean Luna – comes home with her cute little kid to find Sam naked on her porch. He warns them that the pack came for him and will definitely be coming for her, and she’s like, but this is a pack problem! Because I guess Alcide technically killed Marcus, but they think Sam is the one who did it. And since Sam is such a “nice guy,” he’s not going to rat out Alcide, much to Luna’s dismay. Hottie hair-bra wolf reappears and calls Luna a whore, which I personally feel crosses a line. Sam says he killed Marcus in order to protect Luna, and he is taken into wolf custody.  I guess I don’t really care what happens to Sam but I’m going to try to, for Papi’s sake. 

Steve, after glamouring his way into Jason’s house, comes out to him as a “gay vampire American.” I knew there was something different about the way he was wearing his lavender sweater. He pledges his love to Jason, who handles it pretty well. I’m always pleasantly surprised at how not-homophobic Jason Stackhouse is. But, you know, he’s still not gay, and that really pisses Steve off. His fangs come out, and he says, “Do not pity me! Love me!” which sounds like a bad lesbian breakup if I’ve ever heard one. Steve is about to angrily sink his “twin hard-on” fangs into Jason’s neck, when Jessica bursts through the door, looking like a sexy Valentine.

She says that Jason is hers, and throws Steve’s whiny baby gay butt out of there. She’s a perfect warrior princess. Seriously Jessica, you are the person on this show I am most attracted to, and I am thankful that your debut in this season involves this outfit:

Eric and Bill have been kidnapped. They are in the back of a car, spooning, with nasty silver chain link scabs on their faces. They easily think of a way to make the car explode, and make their escape. Then Eric sees the vampire who had been in the passenger seat of the kidnapping vehicle, and they have a slow-motion make out session. She’s his sister. But his vampire sister, meaning they have the same maker, which is slightly less weird than I thought it would be. This means Eric has a friend in a super high place, as she is the Chancellor to the Authority. She’s not really excited about what the Authority’s agenda is right now, revealing that there are factions within the Authority. In order for this all to be OK, Eric and Bill are going to have to leave forever and never return, no big deal. The three of them go to ground for the day in some metal storage unit on a dock.

Meanwhile, Sookie and Lafayette are cleaning up the bloody mess in Sookie’s kitchen, something she does quite a lot in this show. She tells Lafayette about how she killed Debbie because she wanted her to die, and I’m proud of her in a weird way. Then they go to clean up Jesus. But his body is gone! And there is creepy music. I bet he’s not dead. I bet he’s post-dead. Hopefully that means he and Lafayette can stay together. When Lafayette begins to cry in this scene, it really upset me. Like, these characters have to literally lose the people they love the most in the entire world, all the time! Enough already.

Now here’s a subplot I really don’t care about: Terry and Arlene are having family dinner with Terry’s old Army buddy. It’s kind of awkward because Terry doesn’t want to talk about the Army days and he’s being an asshole. Arlene is looking lovely. The Army buddy gets real weird when it comes up that their house burned down, and he and Terry have some intense eye contact over it.

Sookie takes a refreshing shower, during which she remembers Tara pulling bullies off of her in their childhood. She gazes out the window at the spot where maybe/hopefully Tara is turning into a vampire at that very moment. Then it’s Lafayette’s turn to wash the blood away. While in the bath he gazes forebodingly at Sookie’s disposable pink razor (he later comes downstairs with a shaved head, because we all know that when you’re contemplating suicide what you really need is a new haircut).

Then Alcide is at Sookie’s door, and she’s all perky and breathless like nothing is wrong. Since she just had a shower, this is pretty easy to pull off. There’s a nasty tooth on the floor that she kicks under the fridge. She maybe thinks that he is there because he knows about Debbie, but really, he came to tell her that f–king Russell Edgington is on the loose. Remember that asshole? I wish I didn’t.

Jason and Andy are eating lunch at Merlotte’s because there’s nowhere else to eat, and some judge or something talks Andy into getting him out of his speeding ticket. Jason tries to talk to his old friend Hoyt who he kind of stole Jessica from, but Hoyt’s not ready to forgive yet. Obviously! He’s sensitive. He calls Jason a “girlfriend-f–cker.” Which is slightly problematic because it implies that Jessica had no say in the matter. It’s also a huge oversight on Hoyt’s part because clearly Jessica is the Empress of sexual power and Jason was truly helpless to her wiles. I mean look at her.

Alcide tries to get Sookie to stay with him for protection, and she’s about to tell him about Debbie, when Lafayette comes down the stairs powered by his new haircut and makes Alcide leave. He says they are done with supernatural bullshit, and lists all the bad guys from the other seasons as examples of what he’s sick of. I guess we know that this can’t be true because then what would the show be about? Sorry Lafayette. They prepare to wait by Tara’s grave to see if she rises as a vampire.

Sam is meanwhile getting beat by werewolves who look like they are probably also meth addicts. They really want to know what he did with the body, and we meet Martha, who puts it to him in a way he understands – they have some rituals about honoring the body, and Martha says no harm will come to Luna or her baby. That’s a nice deal. He accepts.

Eric is having some really disgusting vertical sex with his “sister” while Bill waits outside making snide comments about the noise level. Eric’s phone rings, but that’s okay because his phone is untraceable. It’s Alcide to tell him that Russell Edgington is alive, which seems to be Alcide’s major role in this episode so far. Then there’s this quick flash of a body being dragged into a room and slaughtered, so that’s creepy.

While this is happening, Jessica is looking real hot in a long sleeve floral red dress. She’s having a house party while Bill is away, playing drinking games with college kids and having eye sex with some douche bag. Jason shows up, with hearts in his big brown eyes. It’s a tiny bit awkward because she doesn’t want a relationship and he’s clearly in love with her. She tries to get him to leave but he elbows his way in, freaking out the college students with his cop uniform. He takes it off; they party. Maybe Jessica should find a college girl to experiment with.

Terry is having a porch-chat with his Army buddy, who tells him that everyone in their Army group had their house burn down. Terry doesn’t want to hear it; they have some heated words and Arlene steps in and is the boss, telling Terry to cut the shit out. The Army buddy pushes him to the ground and yells in his face. I still don’t care about this.

Jessica’s house party is raging. They are playing that game – I think it is called Rock Band – and singing “Cherry Bomb.” She’s having sexual tension with everyone, especially that douche bag from earlier. They start making out, so Jason leaves with some random girl. He doesn’t want to have sex with her though because his heart hurts too much from being in love with Jessica. He drives her home. This is not the Jason we have come to know and love/hate, which speaks to the power of Jessica’s hotness. 

As night has fallen, Sookie and Lafayette are standing in wait by Tara’s grave.

Similarly, several werewolves are digging in the spot where Sam has said Marcus is buried. The wolves are kind of cute when they dig. They look just like my tiny poodle when she digs at the couch before lying down! Eventually they get to his gnarly face, and lift his body out. That’s when Alcide and Luna show up, and Alcide announces that he’s the one who killed their pack master. A couple of the wolves bow to him, because I guess that means that he’s the alpha now, but Martha is like, “you take that back!” Which is when we learn that she is none other than Marcus’s mommy. She starts howling, turns into a wolf, and then begins eating her son’s dead body. Several others begin to do the same. This is apparently what she meant by a “ritual” to “honor the dead. This was the gross-peak of the episode.

Bill, Eric, and Eric’s sister meet up with a hottie named Kat who is wearing a great dykey jacket with a hood and tons of zippers. She gives them new identities. Just as Eric goes to make out goodbye with his sister, the Authority shows up and guns everyone else down. Eric, Bill, and Sister are held at gun point and told, “do not f–king move.”

Sookie and Lafayette wonder when the last time they ate was. Just as Lafayette goes to fetch them some snacks, Pam’s hand pushes up through the dirt. There is dirt in her bra so she’s pissed off, and also she doesn’t know if Tara is a vampire. Sookie frantically digs and digs, like the werewolves. She reaches Tara’s head, which is miraculously in one piece, but looking very dead. I don’t know about you, but I thought that was a good sign! The wound is healed, so she’s on her way to vamp. But Sookie takes this to mean that it did not work, and is crying and crying. Lafayette comes out and hears her crying, and he also thinks it didn’t work. Pam is drinking a True Blood and not enjoying it; apparently it tastes like shit. THEN! In the final seconds of the episode! Tara bursts out of the ground at and zooms at Sookie, who screams Lafayette’s name just as the credits roll.

I think it’s pretty obvious that Pam could step in at any second and handle the shit out of baby vampire Tara, but will she? Does she even care? Maybe by creating a baby vampire, Pam will get in touch with her maternal side. But hopefully it won’t be too maternal, because then I’ll feel weird if she and Tara do it. 

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