“True Blood” Episode 412 Finale Recap: “And When I Die”



Jason, being Jason, decides that the best
time to tell Hoyt
about him doing it with Jessica is while Hoyt
has a FREAKING CHAINSAW in his hands. That’s right, he shows up at Hoyt’s
construction site to tell him the cheery news that he slept with the love of
his life.

Hoyt puts down the chainsaw. Then when Jason brings up memories of old times,
they do this little dude-love handshake thing that involves a fist pump and a
high five and the casual stroking of each other’s scrotums.

Jason mentions that he kind of sort of had sex with Jessica. Stunned, Hoyt
asks, “How,” and Jason responds, “First missionary, then doggie
style, then something I like to call the Siamese Twin, before winding down with
a few purple nurples. But nothing kinky!”

So Hoyt
clocks him a good one. When Jason tries to explain that he’d had Jessica’s
blood and couldn’t help himself — and besides which weren’t the two of them on
a break anyway? — Hoyt clocks him again. Then for good measure he snarks that
Jason will never have what he and Jessica had, because a fundamental part of
Jason is missing.

Later that night, Jason is nursing his
by holding an ice pop against the bruise. There’s a knock
at the door and little red riding hood is standing there, or at least Jessica
in her Halloween costume. And she’s all, “My, what a big $@&# you
have!” and he responds, “All the better to %#@$ you with my dear.”
And %#@$ they do, in the episode’s
requisite hetero sex scene.

After, Jason lies around with his privates
hidden behind a Miller Lite pillow
(because of course Jason would
have a Miller Lite pillow). Jessica says that even though the sex was great, she’s
not interested in having a BF right now and just wants to be f–k buddies for a
while, if that’s OK. Oh, and also she’d like to try oral, since Hoyt was
freaked out about it on account of the fangs. I’d say that when you think about
it that way, Hoyt had good reason to be freaked out, but Jason seems unfazed.

only worried that there’s a part of him missing, and Jessica sort of teases
that it’s funny seeing Jason being all sensitive. But then she sees he’s
serious and tells him how amazing his hip bones are and how she wants to go out
and feed off someone else because it’s too intimate to do with Jason right now.
He cheers up at this, all, “Oh, just like prostitutes and kisses!”
Then she runs out of their as fast as her hooded cape can carry her.

WTF Rating: 1. Oh
dear. I’m officially bored by Jason and Jessica as a couple, but it looks like
more of this ahead next season.


Even though, as you can tell, I found much
of the episode
in the end I wound up really liking it and thinking it was a strong finale. The
reason is the final 10 minutes or so and the bats–t crazy cliffhangers that
came up …

First, we see Eric and Bill – having been
dumped by Sookie – naturally hanging out together.
before they can find solace in one another’s firm embrace, Nan comes in to ruin the party, trailed by three goons who Eric
calls “gay stormtroopers,” although nothing about those outfits
particularly screams gay to me. It’s not like they’re wearing ascots.

announces that she’s left the Authority, and Bill corrects, “You mean got
fired.” She’s all, “tomato, tomahto, the point is the Authority
sucks. They wanted you both to meet the true death, but instead I’ve decided to
grace you with my loving presence so we can form an alliance and take them
down. And by the way, I figured out that Sookie is a fairy, and you two are
pathetic for being such dopey little puppies around her.”

when Eric, in one fell swoop, beheads all three stormtroopers. Then Bill leaps
up and stakes Nan, turning her into a blood geyser. Holy Crap! And buh-bye,
Nan. I liked you and will miss you.

Meanwhile, Alcide gets a call from one of
his construction workers
who seems to have been glamoured by a

construction guy brings Alcide to a piece of concrete that mysteriously appears
all broken up, with a silver chain and handcuffs in the rubble. Say, it’s
almost as if some long-buried vampire king had suddenly burst forth from it.
Holy crap! Russell Edgington lives! Can’t wait!

And finally, Sookie is puttering around her
when she hears something behind her. She turns around, and
it’s freaking Debbie Pelt. With a
shotgun. Aimed at her.

then, Tara comes in and runs in front of Sookie while Debbie fires. The side of
Tara’s head splatters, and there’s broken glass everywhere as the bullet goes
through the window.

overpowers Debbie and points the shotgun at her throat. Debbie starts begging
for mercy but Sookie is sort of “Oops,” as she pulls the trigger and
goes blammo to Debbie.

she runs over to cradle Tara’s bloody head, crying out, “Somebody please
help us!” Holy crap! Is anybody left on this show?

WTF Rating: 10.

this was an entertaining season with a more sustained narrative drive than last
year, although it lacked the all-out crazy highs of a head-turning Lorena or
spine-ripping Russell. But these last few minutes definitely have got me stoked
for more. So until next season … farewell, and fangs for reading.

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