“True Blood” Episode 412 Finale Recap: “And When I Die”

 
 

But Alcide isn’t the only one ruminating on
Sookie’s love life.
There’s a terrific little scene in this episode
when Pam – having been banished by
Eric – is crying on the shoulder of Fangtasia waitress Ginger (dressed as a naughty nurse, of course). Pam wails,
wondering what is it about Sookie and her “precious fairy vagina”
that gets Eric all so hot, bothered, and stupid?

Pam
wonders how it’s possible that Eric has seduced supermodels and princesses and
spit out their bones, but then loses it all over someone with the most stupid
name imaginable. (I’d point out to Pam that if you remember that Sookie’s name
comes courtesy of someone named “Charlaine,”
it’s not all that tough to see how that happened.)

Anyway, after all that chatter about
Sookie’s love life, this episode bring some closure of sorts.
After
Eric and Bill were fried crispy on the pyre, they retire inside and snack on
Sookie to revive themselves.

She’s
got one on one arm, and one on the other, and after they’ve had a nice long
suck, she closes down the tap. Hilariously, they both pick their fangs, like
they’ve got some of those pesky platelets stuck between teeth and forgot to
bring floss.

Naturally
both vampires wonder who Sookie is now going to reward with a post-pyre
boinking.

Sookie
tells Bill that she loves him and forgives him for betraying her, since she
realizes he was trying to protect her and there’s been plenty of lying going
around for all. Eric is all, “Yes! I’m in,” except Sookie is all,
“Not so fast stud. I love you too, but we can’t be together.”

Then
she dumps both of them, explaining that there are at least three other hot guys
on this show who she hasn’t worked her way through yet, and asking if anybody
knows how to get to Hoyt’s place.

WTF Rating: 3. So
Sookie is back on the market and will obviously end up with Alcide next season.
But I’m much more curious to see who Eric will turn to for his rebound
“suck and f–k.”

THE WOLVES AT SAM’S DOOR

Sam goes to Tommy’s grave and has a sweet
moment with Maxine
who has brought flowers and a casserole. Maxine
tells Sam that since she considered Tommy family, Sam should feel free to call
her “Mama” from now on – a deal he should totally take her up on,
since Maxine to me is an absolute gem (except for the creepy doll obsession).
But the woman makes casseroles out of pork rinds! What’s not to love?

Luna and Emma show up as well. And as if it’s not weird enough to go to the
funeral of the guy who shifted into your boyfriend just so he could sleep with
you, Luna apparently figured why not also bring along her daughter and dress
up, if I’m not mistaken, in matching mother-daughter outfits to boot.

Later
on, Luna and Sam are making out, and Luna proves to follow my own way of
thinking in that she believes one should never tempt fate by admitting to being
happy about anything ever. Sam tells her that, yes, life is cruel and terrible
but they should therefore grab happiness while they can.

Then
they kiss again, and Luna gets into her car and is barely down the driveway
when a snarling wolf shows up to growl at Sam menacingly.

WTF Rating: 2. With
Marcus dead, who’s left to be pissed at Sam? And more importantly, who cares?

HEY, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, SCOTT FOLEY

Zombie Terry is working at Merlotte’s when
an old friend comes in to see him. Terry spots the guy and is all, “Hey,
if it isn’t Felicity‘s dorm R.A., Noel! How ya doing, man?”

And
Scott Foley‘s all, “Um, I’m not Noel! I’m your old Army buddy who you
thought was dead but now I’m back,” and Terry responds, “No, I’m
pretty sure you’re just a college R.A. I mean, look at you … can you even shave
yet?”

Meanwhile, out back, Zombie Arlene is
taking out the trash
when she hears a voice behind her going,
“Hello dere, cher!” And
Arlene snipes back, “Just who are you calling Cher? Can’t you tell I’m supposed to be a zombie? Cher was last
year!”

She
turns around and sees the ghost of Rene,
because now that his other show Terriers
is cancelled he’s free to show up here and haunt people for real instead of
some Cajun Ghost Lady doing it for
him.

But
sadly Rene isn’t back here to take over demonic tutoring of devil-baby Mikey. Instead, he sees it as his duty
as Evil Hubby #1 to warn Arlene that Hubby #2 just might be going the way of
evil as well. He warns her that some crazy s–t is going to go down and she
should run while the running’s good.

WTF Rating: 3.
Obviously this is setting up a major storyline for next season. And while Scott
Foley is always a welcome presence to me, I’m not so sure I want to see Terry
lose it in some PTSD frenzy. I like Terry as the voice of reason to Arlene’s Lucille Ball-like lunacy.

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