THE THREESOME NOBODY ASKED FOR
Lafayette and Jesus are lying around in bed talking about all sorts of things that don’t tempt fate in the slightest, all how happy they are to be rid of Marnie, and how Jesus shouldn’t feel guilty about it because she was asking for it and he got to save a bunch of people, so no worries at all.
And then they’re all, “Good night!” “Night!” “Sleep tight!” “You too sweetie!” And just as Lafayette’s eyes are about to close and he’s about to drift off to happy dreams of leopard print head scarves and hot demon-head boyfriends, he looks up at the ceiling and sees …
MARNIE’S F–KING GHOST HOVERING OVER THE BED!!! He gasps, and she takes advantage of his open mouth to down chuck herself right inside. Holy crap!
WTF Rating: 5.
I so did not expect this at all! We’ve gone from Mantonia to Maryette, and it makes me very afraid for Lafayette’s future on this show.
WERE WAR II
Guess what? Other stuff happened this episode …
Remember how Alcide brought Sam to Marcus’ garage so Sam could beat up on Marcus’ Number Two? Well that’s still going on.
Sam is demanding to know where Marcus is, and #2 is all, “He’s in Disneyland! I mean Disney World! … Actually, I get them mixed up. Which one’s got Animal Kingdom?”
Just then, Luna comes running in, screeching at #2 that he’d better tell her where Marcus is, because he went and kidnapped their daughter at school. Then she sees Sam is there and is all, “Um what are you doing here?” And he’s all, “Oh, Marcus killed my brother. Quite a coinkydink seeing you here at the same time, no?”
Then Luna’s phone rings and she’s all happy that it’s her daughter, and Alcide sees the phone and is all, “Hey, that’s my home number! Huh, what are the odds? Talk about your coinkydinks.”
Meanwhile, Marcus and Debbie are having a heart to heart where he keeps begging her to come away with him.
She’s all, “Sorry, not interested. And to show you just how not interested I am, let’s discuss it for awhile sitting on my bed half-naked.”
He says that he knows she loves Alcide but that Alcide can’t give her the one thing that will keep her off the V and make her feel whole again, and she’s all, “You mean my own reality show?” And he says, “No, I mean a kid! Specifically, mine. Now that I snatched her, I have no clue how to actually take care of her. You think you could whip up some mac ‘n cheese and maybe swing by the next PTA meeting?”
Just then, Alcide and Sam come storming in. Sam challenges Marcus to a gentlemanly duel, no shifting allowed. Marcus says with pleasure, and they proceed to kick the crap out of each other while Debbie and Alcide watch, all, “You think you might take this outside and not destroy our bedroom quite so much?”
Sam quickly gets on top but decides to get all honorable and not actually go through with killing Marcus, leaving him to live with the knowledge of how little Sam thinks of him (yeah, I’m sure that will just devastate the guy).
But then Marcus leaps up and gets a gun and starts taking shots. So Alcide tackles him and then goes ahead and kills him anyway.
While Sam goes off to tell Luna the happy news, Alcide tells Debbie he’s done. “I will no longer see you,” he says, beginning the vows that designate werewolf divorce. “No!” she cries. “I will no longer hunt with you,” he says. “No!” she cries. “And I will no longer play Bananagrams with you,” he finishes off. “Nooooooooooo!!!!!”
WTF Rating: 2.
This storyline ended the exact way we all knew it would. I’m just hoping we still get the Debbie-Sookie showdown that I’ve been looking forward to all season.
STOPPING IN THE WOODS FOR A FAIRY QUICKIE
After weeks of this show having severely fractured storylines, this week was primarily devoted to the witches and Sam-Marcus stories … with one intriguing exception.
After Terry ditched him as part of his rather unconventional rehab therapy, Andy is walking through the woods muttering to himself Mantonia-style. At that point, I figured some kind soul should just put him and Mantonia in a room together, because at least then it would look like two people talking to each other in conversation rather than two lunatics yammering to themselves.
Suddenly we see the glowing lights of impending fairy visits. Then a hot chick in a flowy gown and dangly earrings crosses Andy’s path, with her palm up in “Stop In the Name of Love” style as she shoots out glowy goodness all over his face.
He goes crashing to the ground and she straddles him. She explains she thought he was a vampire but realizes it’s just because of the vampire blood he’d ingested.
Then she says she’d like to make love to him, but first he needs to swear to protect her. He says he swears, and she pulls out an E.T. glowing “Ouch” finger to sign off on the deal.
WTF Rating: 5.
They’re baaaaack! Looks like the fairies aren’t done with Bon Temps just yet. I’m guessing this is a set up for more to come in season 5. From what we saw of the fairies at the start of this season, they’re totally badass so that should be interesting.