“True Blood” Episode 409 Recap: Let’s Get Out of Here

 
 

Later on, Alcide goes to see Marcus.
He says he’s ready to do more for the pack, and Marcus asks what changed his
mind. Alcide says he’s doing it for Debbie, because the pack is important to
her and because he loves her and wants to make her happy. Obviously he’s determined
to try to get Sookie out of his life for good, and he thinks delving deeper
into werewolf culture is the way to do it.

Marcus says he can start by helping him
out with a little favor. There’s this Sam guy who’s been sniffing around his ex
wife and Marcus wants to try to scare him off. He’d like Alcide around for
extra muscle. Alcide says it’s not really his style to beat on someone he’s got
no beef with. But Marcus argues he won’t have to lift a finger, he just wants
him there to show off his big beefy muscles.

Meanwhile, Sam and Luna and Emma
have made camp in the great outdoors and are having a fine time of it. Emma is
carrying on about how badly she wants to pet a wild bunny, and Sam does that
creepy sarcastic voice he does whenever he speaks to her, all, “Let’s see if I
can wrastle up a bunny for you to pet.”

Then he goes behind the tent, and we
hear the distinctive sounds of a fly being unzipped and pants falling, and then
this fluffy bunny comes out from behind the tent and runs into Emma’s arms.
Emma’s all, “Isn’t he the cutest,” and Luna says, “Yes, he is,” all beaming
with happiness, because who wouldn’t at the sight of your daughter happily
stroking the naked body of your boyfriend even if he is suddenly a bunny.

Honestly, I don’t get how we’re
supposed to read this scene. Are we supposed to think, like Luna, that Sam’s
the sweetest guy in the world for doing something like this? Because to me this
whole thing is just too creepy and weird.

That night, when Emma is asleep,
Luna comes into the tent with Sam, and he’s all, “Um, seeing as we’re out in
the woods in a tent and all, would you mind trying something out that I’ve been
hankering to do? Specifically, can you shift into Jake Gyllenhaal and call me Ennis?”

Meanwhile, at Marcus’ garage, “Sam” shows up
for the rumble, although it’s obvious from the way he walks and talks that it’s
Tommy doing Sam. AKA the return of Tammy.

There’s more alpha-male glaring and
then it’s a pissing contest. Tammy smirks that Sam didn’t lay a finger on Luna,
but says that his brother did and bragged about how sweet it was. This sends
Marcus into a rage, and he starts beating on Tammy, with help from his thugs.

The beating, FYI, is artfully intercut
with scenes of the real Sam and Luna shtupping. How ironic and symbolic and
artful!

Anyway, the beating is pretty vicious,
and Alcide finally goes into good-guy mode and tries to put a stop to it. He
pulls them apart and then they see Tommy lying on the floor all bloody and
Marcus realizes he beat on the wrong Merlotte. Ha ha, Marcus! You been punk’d!

WTF Rating: 5. If it were only a matter of Tommy
shifting into Sam once again, this would be a 1. But that Sam shifting into the
bunny thing totally makes this a 5. WTF are he and Luna thinking?

CRASHING THE FESTIVAL OF (IN)TOLERANCE

After the foggy battle, Mantonia brings her new pet Eric back to
the shop to parade him around in front of her followers, all, “Isn’t he just
adorable? Let’s dress him up in a sweater set with matching booties then ply
him with treats.”

She barks at the followers that
they need to make a circle and cast a protection spell, but her followers are
suddenly not so interested in following. Tara as their leader
starts critiquing Mantonia’s refusal to take Bill’s olive branch and thrusting
them all into greater danger.

“I SAID JOIN HANDS AND MAKE A CIRCLE!!!”
Mantonia screams at them, like the meanest kindergarten teacher ever. Then
again, they’re sort of the suckiest students ever, so she has good reason to be
so pissy. (And can you just imagine what Tara
was like as a kindergartner? “Which one’s the f**king triangle? I don’t give a
sh*t! You pick out the f**king triangle, you crazy bitch.”)

Tara and most of the others
announce they’re leaving (all except for this one ass-kissy warlock named Roy).
Mantonia uses spooky magical powers to shut the doors and trap them in.

Meanwhile, over at King Bill’s, Jessica is sitting in front of his
desk sobbing bloody tears about how she’d just been dumped by both Hoyt and
Jason (this was earlier in the night, before she actually hooked up with
Jason).

She’s telling her troubles to Nan Flanagan, who responds that she’s
often thought of putting her career on hold and becoming a maker, but that
these several hours listening to Jessica have made her give up on that forever.
Heh! I loved this speech.

Wouldn’t it be great to see Nan as a maker? It would be like all those movies with Diane Keaton and Uma Thurman where high powered career women are stuck with terrible
babies and suck at it.

Bill finally comes back, and Nan is clearly not happy with him. She wonders why he
felt the need to go on TV and cover up Beulah’s
suicide, and he’s all, “Um, funny story. But first let’s all go down to the
basement and tie ourselves down with flesh-searing silver chains until it gets
dark.”

So we see the three of them lying on platforms in his basement,
chained with silver as their skin steams, like they’re relaxing in some S&M
themed day spa. Hilariously, Nan snarks, “What
else haven’t you told me.” And Bill sheepishly admits that Eric is missing.

Bill says that he thinks for
everybody’s safety, they should cancel the big “Festival of Tolerance” planned
for that very night. Nan refuses to consider
this, pointing out that there are already bloggers at the hotel, and lord knows
you don’t want to piss off bloggers!

Then she bitches about how
incompetent Bill’s turned out to be, saying he actually makes her miss the days
of Sophie Ann. He responds that Nan’s problem is that she can only see as far as the next
headline she’s chasing. But she has the final word … the festival will go on,
and he’s better be there for the cameras “in a festive and tolerant f**ing
mood.”

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