“True Blood” Episode 409 Recap: Let’s Get Out of Here

 
 

Jesus goes inside and realizes pretty quickly
that Lafayette
isn’t the man he used to be. Jesus then announces he’s a brujo and can use magic to help Mavette, explaining that he thinks
she’s a ghost hovering around due to tragic unfinished business, and now she’s
gone ahead and possessed his boyfriend.

Mavette is startled to hear the word
“boyfriend” and when she checks in the crotch region lets out a shriek, because
they’re nothing more terrifying than finding a penis someplace you didn’t
expect it. This is pretty conclusive evidence supporting Jesus’ claims, and
Mavette allows him to try to help her.

So he lights some incense and casts a
spell and is all, “Tell me the last thing you remember.” And she’s all,
“OOOUUUUCCCCHHH!” And he’s all, “Um, maybe the second to last thing you
remember,” and she’s all, “Oh, it’s a white guy coming at me with a knife.”

They piece together how the white
asshat buried her baby before she even got a chance to hold him one last time
and then murdered her. Jesus says this is also something he can use magic to
help out with.

So Jesus and Mavette leave the house,
and Mavette has this charming moment where she shyly apologzies for all the
fuss. Terry, hilariously, AWESOMELY, says, “These things happen.” And then
making me fall in love with him just a bit, he adds, “We still love you
Lafayette.”

Later on, Mavette leads them to the corner
of the yard, where they start digging. They unearth two corpses, one of Mavis,
and the other her baby.

Jesus says that now she’s reunited with
her child it’s time to depart. “I need my Lafayette
back,” he says, and it’s oddly romantic and moving.

Jesus touches Mavette and recites an
incantation. We see Mavis’ spirit leave Lafayette’s
body, in cheesy, glowy Xanadu style,
and then she hovers around holding her ghost baby. She thanks them for helping,
and in classic Lafayette
fashion, he responds, “You got it, bitch.”

Then she floats away. And lucky for Lafayette that everybody
else saw this little episode of Touched
By An Angel
,
otherwise they’d be carting him off to the loony bin to double
up with his Mama.

WTF Rating: 2. After so much build up with this
terrific storyline, its resolution seems too fast and too goofy for my taste,
especially since Mikey now seems totally innocent. I was hoping we were going
for The Omen, and instead we’ve all
been sucked into an episode of The Gay
Ghost Whisperer
.

MONSTER BOX

After all the excitement with Mavette, Jason and Hoyt head
back inside Hoyt’s so Jason can help him fix the broken door. Jason notices
that Hoyt’s been collecting all of Jessica’s
stuff in a box he’s helpfully labeled “For You, Monster.” (And if I’m not
mistaken, among Jessica’s stuff is a copy of Twilight, which is totally hilarious.)

Jason tries to talk some sense into
Hoyt, that Jessica isn’t a monster and did love him and these things just
happen. But Hoyt is still too hurt and emotional to listen to this and says he
just wants her sh*t out of his house and never to see her again. He asks Jason
as his friend to take the stuff to her, and Jason reluctantly agrees.

Jason finds Jessica at King Bill’s house,
and in an absolutely adorable touch, he’s taken the time to scratch out the
word “Monster” on the box before giving it to her.

He explains that Hoyt asked him to
bring her stuff back to her because he wanted her to have those mementos, and
she snarks, “Yeah, I’m sure that’s how he put it.” And Jason – in one of the
best Jason-isms we’ve ever heard on this show – says, “I was parrot phrasing.”
Ha! Sorry Jason, that’s not technically parrot phrasing, this is: “Hoyt said to
bring you your — SQUAWK! SQUAWK! Polly wants
a cracker!
– things.”

Jason says he’d better mosey on along,
but Jessica gives him serious “let’s do it” eyes, so he doesn’t mosey on
anywhere. Then they’re like, “Say, even though we’ve got this huge, gorgeous
mansion filled with stunning bedrooms, each with a satin-sheet-covered king
sized bed in it, let’s go do it in the back of a grimy pick-up truck next to a
couple of mud-covered shovels and a chain saw.”

WTF Rating: 2. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that
Jason’s loyalty to Hoyt didn’t last more than a day. But this means we’re
heading for a Hoyt-Jason blow out, and that’s something I just don’t want to
see. Hoyt’s too much of a sweetheart for this.

SHIFTY BUSINESS

Debbie Pelt is sitting up in bed
but when she hears noise in the house she gets into bed and pretends to be
asleep. Then Michelangelo’s Statue of
David
comes into the bedroom and strides across the room and into bed next
to her. Wait, it’s not the Statue of David – it’s something even more
breathtakingly statuesque. It’s naked Alcide! I think I might need to take a
little break here before I can even continue describing this scene.

Okay, so naked Alcide climbs into bed
and spoons Debbie from behind, gently kissing her back, the universal
television code for “I’ve done something I feel guilty about but I really love
you and hope you won’t notice.”

But Debbie is playing possum, and she
opens her eyes and, what do ya know? They’re all wolfy and glowy.

Meanwhile, Luna comes into her living room to tell Sam
that she finally got Emma to bed,
after all the excitement of her psycho ex showing up. She’s worried he might
come back, and Sam suggests they wake Emma up and go on a camping trip.

Luna says she doesn’t want to teach
Emma to run away from her problems, and Sam is all, “It’s not running away!
It’s just quietly packing up our things in the dead of night and driving 100
miles to the middle of nowhere.” She agrees to do it.

Meanwhile, Tommy is at Merlotte’s,
writing Sam a brotherly “Dear John” letter about how he’s leaving forever and
hopes Sam can someday forgive him. At that moment, Marcus – the skeevy (but hot-skeevy) Shreveport pack leader, also Luna’s psycho ex
–comes in and says he’s looking for Sam.

Tommy senses the guy is bad news, and
the two of them get into an alpha male glare-off before Marcus leaves his card
and tells Tommy to tell Sam to meet him at that address. Ha! Don’t you just
love thugs who have calling cards? Like why not tape it to a candy cane while
you’re at it and you two can be Secret Santas.

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