“True Blood” Episode 409 Recap: Let’s Get Out of Here

 
 

Did you know that True
Blood
is just like Gossip Girl?

It’s true! One has deathly pale, sexually voracious, soulless bloodsuckers. And
the other one has vampires.

Also, as this week’s episode
demonstrates, both shows like to build to some big social event that
intertwines various characters’ fates. Every Gossip Girl episode leads up to some museum gala, or fashion show,
or cotillion, or Bat Mitzvah. In a similar vein, this week’s True Blood culminates in Bon Temps’
premier social gathering, the totally A-list, super-classy Festival of
Tolerance.

Sookie naturally crashes the big soiree. Does
she wind up with Dan, or Chuck, or maybe even Blair? Let’s find out …

EENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE

Picking up right where we left off, we see Alcide
running through the foggy forest with a just-been-shot Sookie draped in his
arms. Suddenly Bill – like Homer Simpson with the last pork chop –
snatches her right out from under him, all, “Yoink! Dibs!”

Pissed, Alcide looks after him, his
eyes all wolfy and glowy. Get used to this effect, because they repeat it about
18 times this episode. It’s like the special effects guys got a new toy and
they can’t help but keep showing it off.

Bill brings Sookie to her place
and places her on the couch, all, “Sookie, can you hear me?” Alcide comes in
behind him, and snits that Bill should have kept Sookie out of his business.
Bill is all, “STFU, werewolf,” but then they both observe Sookie is in a bad
way, given she won’t even take Bill’s blood to heal.

Bill suggests they pray, and Alcide
wonders, what with a vampire and werewolf in the room, “Who would listen?” Bill
replies, “That I do not know … Also, I am completely unable to use contractions
and this is irritating to those of you recapping this show.”

Post credits (so the more brain dead among the TV
audience might think for a few minutes more that she’s actually going to kick
the bucket), Sookie flutters her eyes open to see Bill and Alcide hovering
above her.

She’s all, “I had the strangest dream!
And you were there, and you … and you were both naked and doing unspeakable
things to each other.” And Bill’s all, “Um, yeah, a dream, right,” as Alcide
zips his fly up and says, “Yep, nothing but a dream. How ya feeling?”

All Sookie cares about is how Eric’s doing and she wants Bill to send
somebody to find him. Alcide is pissed at this, because fangers nearly got
Sookie killed and yet vamps are still all she can worry about. He announces
he’s done with her and storms out.

Bill, obviously realizing that the best
way to win Sookie back is by sucking up to her every urge until she realizes
how bad a boyfriend Eric is and comes running back to him, tells her he’ll help
find Eric. She thanks him for the blood infusion.

The next day, Sookie is napping on the couch,
but we all know by now it’s going to be a dream sequence, what with her having
just had Bill’s V. This dream seems to have a whole swinging 60s sex kittenish
vibe to it, with Sookie looking totally hot in this red negligee ensemble from
Bon Temp’s answer to Victoria’s Secret – “Big Bertha’s House of Purdy
Undergarmets and Bait Shop.”

She goes to answer the door and it’s
dream-Eric, standing in sunlight, and he comes in and they start making out on
the dining table. (Goodness, what would Gran
say about that?). Then Bill pops up
next to them, and Eric’s all, “Hey, what’s his chocolate bar doing in your
peanut butter? … I mean, what’s he doing in our dream sequence?” Bill answers
that he’s in the dream because Sookie still loves him.

So Bill and Eric get into an alpha-male
glare-off, sitting at opposite ends of the table, with Sookie lying between
then, snarling, “She’s mine!” “No mine!” “I’m 10 times older than you!” “Well,
I love her 20 times more than you!” “Well my Eric Jr. is a thousand times more
potent than—”

And Sookie’s all, “You can stop with
that. Let’s just say neither of you are winning any prizes in that department.”

She then announces to the two of them
that this is her dream and she wants to have a little chat with them on the
couch. Seriously? Who has a racy dream sequence and decides to spend it on some
boring old conversation? What’s next? A game of dream Boggle?

Sookie tells the two of them that she’s
been thinking about how she has to make a choice. And she chooses … both of
them. They’re strangely unenthusiastic about this, and Sookie elaborates that
everybody thinks she’s this good girl who does what’s expected, but she wants
to defy expectations. Also, it’s an annoying double standard that society
thinks two women with a guy is totally hot but still has issues if a woman
chooses to be with two guys.

Then she takes off her negligee, all
the better to seduce them with. They quickly come to terms with her indecent
proposal, and lean in and both start kissing her neck. Then she grabs their
heads and starts moving them closer together, and it totally looks like she’s
going to get them to make out with each other, a la Y Tu Mama Tambien (I love that movie.) But instead they move in and
bite her neck and then she wakes up. Boooo!

WTF Rating: 1. If Sookie actually proposes this
threesome arrangement for real at some point, I’ll upgrade this to a 5. But for
teasing all of us with this in a mere dream sequence and then cutting out
before we even get to the bedroom, I’m punishing this storyline with a 1.

TOUCHED BY AN ANGELIC DEVIL-BABY

Lafayette, still possessed by Cajun Ghost Lady (who
we learn is named “Mavis,” so when
Lafayette channels her, he’s obviously “Mavette”)
and still holding baby Mikey enters
this house all, “We home, bebe,” as she sings her haunting ghostly Cajun
lullaby, “Rockabye crawfish on the bayou.”

The only trouble is that the house
Mavette thinks is hers is actually poor Hoyt’s.
Who is at home that very minute. Not wearing pants. He’s surprised by the
visit, to say the least, and is all, “Lafayette? Why do you have Arlene’s
baby?”

Mavette points the gun at him, all,
“This my home! This my bebe!”

So Hoyt runs outside in terror and
calls in reinforcements. Reinforcements being the Bon Temps Keystone Cops,
meaning Jason and Andy.

Andy is totally hopped up on V. This
makes him especially inept and hilarious, as he bangs away on the door only to
have Mavette say, “Go away white man,” to which he takes great offense calling
Lafayette a racist and a she-male.

So then he storms the house only to
have Mavette take a few shots at him before Jason can drag him back to safety.
That’s when Arlene and Terry show up, Arlene crying out, “Why
are you doing this Lafayette?” and met with the bewildering (to them) response,
“My name is Mavis.”

Arlene has also called in Jesus, thinking maybe he can talk some
sense into his boyfriend. But first Jesus has to answer to Jason’s crackpot
theory, as Jason wonders, “When you guys, er, roleplay, does Lafayette ever turn into a woman named
Mavis?” And Jesus rolls his eyes and snarks back, “No. When we roleplay, he’s
Alcide and I’m Bill, and now we’re looking for an Eric. You want in?”

So then all these numbskulls put their
heads together and try to come up with a strategy. Andy’s all, “I’m a police
officer, let’s go in guns a blazing!” And Terry all, “I’m a combat veteran,
let’s use these Navy SEAL maneuvers to raid the place.” But then Jesus is all,
“I’m a nurse! Let me handle this,” and they’re all, “Sure, makes sense.”

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