“True Blood” Episode 406 Recap: “I Wish I Was the Moon”

 
 

JASON ISN’T CAPABLE OF CHANGE

After Sookie is kicked out of Bill’s house after
he’d taken Eric prisoner, she goes in search of Jason to help her out.

She enters Jason’s house and
can hear him in the bedroom. Sounding panicked, Jason shouts out that she
should NOT COME IN under any circumstances whatsoever. Obviously he’s doing
something in there that he’s totally ashamed of, like playing with Jason Jr.,
or taking a dump, or reading a book.

She
opens the door and – neither to her surprise, nor yours nor mine – finds him
handcuffed to the bed. She figures it’s another sex thing with him, but he
snipes back that he’s scared he’s going to turn into a werepanther with that
night’s full moon.

Sookie
snickers over this, but Jason is deadly serious, explaining how his
“psycho ex-girlfriend” and her freaky kin tried to change him and he
thinks it worked. She assures him that she’ll help him through it. She also
points out something I was going to snark about – that if Jason does shift, the
panther paws will just slip through the cuffs. Although maybe panthers have
freakishly fat wrists? I’ll have to check that out next time I’m at the zoo.

Sookie’s way of helping Jason is getting
him outside and loaded on beers – because who wouldn’t want
to be in the close proximity of a violent, terrified, superstrong supernatural
animal that’s also lost all impulse control.

Jason
tells Sookie that if he changes she should just shoot him, and she’s all,
“Not gonna do it.” He wonders what she thought helping him meant,
“Changing my kitty litter?” Heh. (There are tons of Jason is a p–sy
jokes like that this episode and they’re all a riot.)

Sookie
gives him this after-school special, PSA, “It Gets Better” pep talk,
about how her own powers taught her that none of us is really normal, that we
all have something that makes us special. “Like me and sex and
shooting,” Jason asks. I’d say that and your abs. Don’t forget those abs.
They’re truly paranormal.

Sookie
advises that Jason find a way to embrace whatever it is that makes him
different. Then she excuses herself to get another beer for him, but when she
comes out, he’s gone. So she takes off into the moonlit woods looking for him.
And promptly runs into …

… Alcide and Debbie!

You see, earlier in the day, Alcide had
come home to hear Debbie recite three little words that would
typically be innocent but in her mouth become distressing signifiers of
impending misery: “You’re home early,” she says.

By her
side is that skeevy (but hot-skeevy) werewolf pack leader, Marcus, who Alcide got into that alpha-dog pissing contest with
last week. Marcus says that Debbie told him all about the trouble Alcide had
with his last pack (addicted to V, in thrall to a corrupt vampire king, etc.)
and that he understands why Alcide would be so suspicious of joining another
pack. But he says he’d love to have a big, strong bearish were like Alcide on
his team.

After he’s gone, Alcide chastises Debbie for
her so-called “rigorous honesty.” She defends herself by saying she
needs a community, that it’s good for her sobriety. I’m not sure he really buys
this, but he agrees to go with her to shift with the pack under the full moon …

… which
is what they’re on their way to do when they run into Sookie.

As long
as they’re there, Sookie figures they can give her a little lesson in Shifting
101. She wonders if biting someone could change them into a shifter. They deny
it, saying shifting is a condition, not a virus – and it’s hereditary.

Meanwhile, Jason is wandering the moonlit
woods himself. He hears some rustling in the distance and
cries out, “Stop! I’m an officer and a werepanther!” Out comes Jessica, who explains that she sensed
Jason’s fear on account of his having had her blood. “It’s like you’ve got
a little bit of me inside you,” she says, and Jason’s all, “Um,
usually I like being the one doing the inserting.”

She
figures out he’s afraid of becoming a werepanther – as he so clearly bellowed
out to the entire forest – and offers to help him through. She recalls how
afraid she was her first night as a vampire. When Jason asks if she has any
regrets about it, she says it’s not easy being a vamp but she’d never go back.

Jason
starts complaining that his heart is racing, and she talks him down by telling
him to focus on something that makes him happy, which in this case is a clear
and shameless close-up shot of her boobs. After he’s settled down, she says she
had experience with panic attacks from dealing with her mom. And panic attacks
are all that’s really going on with Jason, nothing supernatural.

By now,
Jason realizes he’s not going to change, griping that the idiots in Hot Shot
were too stupid to even get that right. 

Jessica
points out that he sounds sort of disappointed, and he admits that part of him
was always jealous of Sookie for being the special one. “But you’re
special,” Jessica says, as the two of them start making serious bedroom
eyes at each other and emitting overpowering pheromones.

But
Jason jumps up and says he’s got to be off, and that she should give regards to
Hoyt, his best friend. She suggests
they not mention any of this to Hoyt, and he agrees, walking off while Jessica
sits around NOT thinking about Hoyt and instead staring at Jason’s butt.

WTF Rating: 2. You
mean to tell me we all endured a year and a half of that Hot Shot crap and
Jason’s not even going to wind up a werepanther? Boooo! And yet I’m kind of
liking the Jessica-Jason vibe here, if only because it’s getting memories of Crystal
out of both our heads. And is there any chance a heartbroken Hoyt will find his
way to someone else recently jilted and lonely … say, Bill?

 

MEET BON TEMPS’ NEWEST COUPLE: ANDY &
HOLLY

Don’t
care.

WTF Rating: 0. See
above.

 

MARNIE AND ANTONIA GET CLOSER

Alone in her cell in Bill’s basement,
Marnie passes time by picking at a particularly nasty cuticle and
USING IT TO GOUGE BLOODY GASHES IN HER ARM. Gross. Then she takes the blood and
rubs it into her palm, muttering about calling on the spirits to give her
strength and/or come save her. This induces a flashback …

As you were expecting, it’s the Spanish
Inquisition. Marnie sees inside a cell, where the
dark-haired witch Antonia is being
fed on by Churchy Asshats. One of them tells his buddy, Luis (who we recognize as one of Bill’s sheriffs from last week) that
fear makes the blood tastier. So Luis starts raping Antonia – and seriously,
TB, enough with this already.

Then we cut to flashbacks illustrating
stuff we already heard about, which as a recapper I appreciate
tremendously since it means less work for me. We see all the witch backstory
stuff … Antonia at the stake … cursing … Churchy Asshat vampires under her
control and emerging into the daylight, etc.

Back in the present, Marnie opens her eyes. We
know something hinky’s going on because the winds of impending witchcraft have
started blowing through the cell. Then she hears a voice calling her name. And
there’s Antonia standing inside the cell with her. Yikes! Then Antonia’s spirit
enters Marnie’s body, a la Lafayette and Tio Luca. When Marnie opens her eyes,
she’s got the dark-eyed, pissed-off Antonia look.

She
glares up at the security camera. On the other end – what are the chances? – is
none other than Luis. He gets sort of freaked out that Marnie is staring up at
him like that. So he decides to get all macho about it and goes down into her
cell.

Once
inside, he recognizes that it’s actually Antonia who he’s dealing with. He
bares his fangs and says he’s going to make sure that this time she screams.
But Marnie as Antonia – Mantonia – just lifts up her hand and suddenly she’s
controlling him like a muppet. She points down, and down he goes, fangless and
on his knees before her. “You little f–k,” she says.

WTF Rating: 3. No
real surprises here – we all knew that at some point Marnie would fully become
Antonia. The question is what will happen next. At this point, our sympathies
are so stacked in favor of the witches over the vampires, it will be
interesting to see if that shifts at all now that Mantonia is so powerful.

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