“True Blood” Episode 406 Recap: “I Wish I Was the Moon”

 
 

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO, PART 2

So Jesus and Lafayette are still down in
Mexico doing what everybody does on Mexican vacations – getting
too much sun, drinking too much tequila, and living in deathly fear of unwashed
fruit.

Actually,
they’re sitting down to a nice meal with Pop
Pop Brujo and his way-too-young-for-him pregnant wife. Something is put on
a plate in front of him and Lafayette
says, “Goat tongue … for breakfast.” Oh Lafayette, if you knew what part of the goat
that really was you’d be begging for the tongue.

Pop Pop
Brujo and Jesus talk in subtitles (which is totally rude), and Pop Pop Brujo
basically says Jesus is a wimp for coming cowering back for help after all this
time away. He says Jesus should bring him a sacrifice and he’ll think about
offering his aid.

So Jesus and Lafayette go outside and
try to drum up a decent blood sacrifice. Lafayette
remarks they’ve let a bunch of bunnies and mice and other cute, tame critters
go, why not just get it over with and pick one of them. Jesus responds that
they’ve got to wait for a willing volunteer.

Lafayette
wonders why they’re doing all this for a guy Jesus hates who is probably full
of crap to boot. Jesus says that if there’s any chance it will help him keep Lafayette safe he’s
willing to risk it. Awwww. Then he reaches down and grabs a rattlesnake. Yeesh!
Why did it have to be snakes?

Inside the house, Jesus gives Pop Pop Brujo
the snake. Pop Pop cuts himself saying that the Bon Temps
witch is doing this sort of blood-letting too. Jesus says he never saw Marnie messing with those sort of dark
powers, and besides, she’s not their problem, the vampires are.

Pop Pop
cackles that Jesus doesn’t know what his problem really is. Then his face
morphs into this freaky death-mask sort of thing as he pokes Jesus’ face with
the snake, which promptly bites him. Worst. Grandpa. Ever.

Pop Pop
hightails it out of the room, telling Lafayette
he should “protect” Jesus. Lafayette
wonders what he’s supposed to do, as he embraces and tries to comfort Jesus in
the midst of some serious venom poisoning. Then Lafayette has a sort of a
vision of another guy, presumably a dead relative of Jesus’ named Tio Luca, whose spirit enters
Lafayette, as men typically do, though his mouth.

Suddenly
Lafayette is
fluent in Spanish, so we know he’s been possessed. And his possessed self
somehow manages to cure Jesus.

WTF Rating: 3. Pop
Pop Brujo really creeps me out. But I love that Jesus and Lafayette are getting
magical witchy powers. How many weeks ’til they’ve gone full on Dark Willow?

 

SAVE MY (DEVIL) BABY! SAVE MY (DEVIL) BABY!

Arlene and Terry are lying around in bed when
Arlene takes a sniff and says, “Hey, something’s flaming!” Terry
tells her, “No worries. It’s just that guy who recaps us.” But Arlene
sits up in bed, observing that da roof is on fire.

Their
house is well on its way to being a model home in the fiery pits of hell. Terry
goes to help the big kids escape, while Arlene searches for adorable baby Mikey … to no avail. The cute little
tyke is nowhere to be found, so Terry drags Arlene outside just as da roof, on
fire, collapses.

Arlene
screams, wailing that Mikey was inside. Then her older kids are like, “Um,
actually, he’s right here. We found him when we got outside. And hey, look,
he’s clutching Chuckie! Isn’t that
cute?”

Terry
wonders how Mikey could have gotten out all by himself, but Arlene just
embraces him. Over her shoulder, Mikey spies a mysterious woman in old-timey
dress off in the distance. The ghostly woman smiles at him and waves, and he
smiles back. But when Arlene turns around, there’s no one there.

WTF Rating: 5. I have
no clue what’s going on with this storyline or where any of this is going, do
you?

 

TOMMY MAKES A BIG CHANGE

Dealing with the fiery wreckage of his
rental homes – Arlene was his tenant, as was Holly whose house is also damaged – Sam calls Tommy to ask him to open Merlotte’s for him.

But
Tommy is all mopey, either because of the whole patricide thing or because he
forgot to record Glee. So after he
hangs up with Sam, he looks in the mirror, doesn’t like what he sees, then
starts pounding away on his own head. When he removes his hands, he sees Sam’s
face staring back.

At first
I thought this was a total artsy symbolic shot meant to show us Tommy’s
declining mental state. But it quickly becomes clear he’s actually gone ahead
and shifted into Sam. That means we get to see Sam Trammell doing the bit where he has to adopt another actor’s
movements, like Helena Bonham Carter
doing Hermione doing the Bellatrix thing. He’s pretty good at it
too.

Tommy as Sammy – Tammy, if you will –
proceeds to act just like you’d expect Tommy to, which is be a
total d–k.

First
Sookie comes in and apologizes for being late. So he out and out fires her,
pointing out that she’s always late and even when she’s there she sucks – to
the delight, I’m sure, of many of you who are, like Tommy, committed
Sookie-haters.

Later on, Tammy receives a visit from Luna, who
throws herself at him, thinking it’s Sam. Tammy half-heartedly resists, with
all the enthusiasm of Willy Wonka
trying to caution Augustus Gloop
away from the chocolate river. “Wait … no … stop … eh, go right
ahead.” Then Luna takes her shirt off and they’re real and they’re
spectacular. And that’s all she wrote … Tammy is in it to win it.

Post-nookie, they lie in bed and Luna
remarks that it was different than she was expecting, I’m guessing
because the less-experienced Tommy turned it into a sort of lightning round for
himself. Plus wouldn’t you think with all her shifter powers that Luna would
notice Sam smelled more trashy and pimply than usual? But Luna just says
it felt like making love with a stranger, but in a fun, exciting kind of way.

Tammy
tells her it’s been fun but now it’s time for her to get the eff out, although
maybe she could whip him up a quick breakfast on the way out. She thinks he’s
joking, but when it becomes clear he’s not, she leaves in a snit with an
“FU … you’re the worst!” And Tammy cries out after her, “Call
me?”

Then he
falls to the ground and Voila! He’s
back to being twerpy Tommy. Then he barfs.

Later
on, Sam rushes in to find him unconscious and can’t seem to revive him.

WTF Rating: 3. What
Tommy does to Luna here is yet another disturbing sexual violation on this show
– and I really wish they’d lay off those for a while. Also, I want to go on
record as saying I officially hate
all doppelganger storylines, probably dating back to when The Bionic Woman and Dynasty
pulled similar stunts that lasted for what felt like entire seasons. It’s just
agony to me watching someone’s double mess with a characters’ life, and it
always takes forever for anybody to figure it out.

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