VAMPS VS. WITCHES: ROUND THREE
Bill is sitting around his office doing
boring Vampire King stuff … like wondering if all his subjects
should kneel before him or just the hot ones.
comes a woman wearing all black with a heavy veil over her face. She removes
the veil and we see a terrifying rotting corpse of a face. Ack! It’s Michele Bachmann!
wait, it’s just Pam. Whew. Seeing
the whole veiled get-up, Bill snarks, “Oh good, the world needs more
bee-keepers” – a hilariously snarky line that’s so out of character I
wondered if Bill had hired the people who usually write for Lafayette.
permission to torture and kill Marnie, calling her an “uppity Wiccan
[horrible, horrible word that shouldn't ever be uses so we'll all just think of
puppies instead].” Pam is in rare form in this scene, offering these immortal words to live by: “You f–k with
my face and it’s time to die.”
blathers on about how the Authority won’t allow vampires to attack humans. But
he says he’ll see if there’s anything he can do. In the meantime, he suggests
she use more lipstick. She demonstrates the problem with that idea, tearing off
a hunk of her lip with this sad little un-Pam-like whimper. Poor Pam. Maybe try
Botox? It seems to work for all those rotting Real Housewives corpses.
Meanwhile, Sookie is doing a little witchy
investigating herself, paying a visit to the Moon Goddess
Emporium to see if she can get any info about the spell put on Eric. Given how
well things are going with Eric and how much action she’s looking to soon be
getting in the shower, I’m surprised she’d want to reverse the spell, but we’ll
just go with it.
introduces herself to Marnie and asks if she can have a Tarot reading. Marnie
isn’t keen on it, but Sookie demonstrates her interest in witches by talking
about how much she used to love Charmed
and Sabrina, not to mention the
musical Wicked and being an avid watcher of The View.
agrees and sits to do the reading. This is actually one of my favorite
non-naked scenes ever on this show. First Marnie starts hearing Sookie’s Gran speaking
to her from the spirit world and reporting back what she hears. But since
Sookie can hear inside Marnie’s head, she then starts hearing Gran’s voice
cautions that if Sookie thinks she’s falling in love she’d better cool it
because it’s only temporary and not going to work out. Then she says that Marnie
is highly dangerous and Sookie better run. And run she does, telling Marnie,
“Lady, when my Gran says run, I listen.” Smart.
Later on, Marnie has a visit from Katie, the
sexy-librarian Wiccan who’s also a super-spy for Bill. Marnie tells Katie there’s
no need for the witches to worry, since they’ve now got a powerful protector
who will keep them safe. Katie’s all, “Yeah, not so much,” as she
calls in Bill’s goons to abduct Marnie.
Inside Bill’s mansion, Marnie is thrown in
a cushy interrogation room. She responds to the stress by flashbacking
the Spanish Inquisition! Nobody expects the … actually, this time I was totally
is in an old-timey jail cell that, if I’m not mistaken, is part of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride (if you
squint, in the corner you can see a basset hound holding a set of keys in its
as a couple of Churchy Asshats enter the cell. A group of women – including the
dark-haired, dead-eyed woman we’ve seen before – are in the cell and start
screaming. The Churchy Asshats grab one woman and put her down, and you think
they’re going to kill her or burn her or do an exorcism. Instead, the Churchy
Asshats bare fangs and start feeding. Goodness, I did not expect that!
Meanwhile, Bill and Pam watch Marnie on
closed circuit TV, like they’re playing at Riff
Raff and Magenta in their own
private Rocky Horror singalong. Pam
again wants him to just torture and kill Marnie already, but Bill says he’s
going to go talk to her.
“talk” he means “glamour.” He puts Marnie under a trance
and asks her about the spells she put on Eric and Pam. She is clear that she
has no idea how she cast those spells, and Bill looks up at the closed circuit
camera and gives Pam this “told ya so” look.
Later on, Bill and Pam and his remaining
sheriffs meet to talk about what to do with this situation. One of
the sherrifs, it turns out, was around during the Spanish massacre. He talks
about how back then the vampires disguised themselves as priests.
surprises some of the younger vamps in the room, but Bill explains that
vampires have a long history of allaying suspicion by hiding themselves inside the
most powerful human institutions. Back then it was the Church, today it’s Google,
Fox News, and websites owned by Logo.
sheriff remembers how back then, this powerful witch, Antonia, was being burned at the stake. But she used necromancy to
raise the churchy vampires from their slumber and force them out – into the sunlight.
that this could happen in the present day understandably freaks out the vamps.
Then Pam lets slip that the witches are so powerful they even wiped Eric’s
all, “What now?” Pam had claimed she had no idea where Eric was, and Bill
is not happy at all to hear otherwise. Bill gets all threatening and demands
she tell him where Eric is. Surprisingly intimidated by him, she admits he’s at
Sookie’s. This sends Bill into a rage and he goes tearing out of the room,
presumably to Sookie’s place.
you may remember she and Eric are happily making out. Uh oh.
WTF Rating: 4. Major
progress this week on the witches’ backstory, which is proving to be really
interesting. And talk about a great cliffhanger! WTF will Bill do when he sees
Eric and Sookie mid-nookie?